Living with the Cards I was Dealt

Berkey Water System

2011-02-18T09:40:00.002-06:00

As part of my push to be healthy I would like to change how we drink water. We have been using a Pur water filter, but I have not been happy with it. I don't think it filters out enough stuff (I'm particularly worried about flouride, chlorine, and prescription drugs) and I am constantly having to fill it (we have a counter top version). I have been eyeing a Berkey system for some time now and one of my favorite blogs, Keeper of the Home, is running a give away! I am so excited!!!! Check out the Berkey if you are interested in good drinking water!

Reviving the Blog

2011-01-15T22:25:00.002-06:00

Hello friends. I am reviving this blog with a little different focus. I find that I need to process my experiences with trying to lose weight and blog posts have been coming to mind. So, I am back in the blog sphere as a contributor again. Welcome to my little corner of the web.

From Infertile to Happy Mom

2008-11-12T13:48:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone. I'm sorry I have been such a bad blogger. I have heard other women talk about how time consuming having a newborn is, but I never fully understood the depth of that consumption until I had a newborn of my own. Baby is now 6 weeks old and finally in a sort-of predictable eating and sleeping pattern. Hopefully he keeps the predictability going as I need to return to work in a week and a half.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with this blog over the past few months. I started this blog because of the desparation and despair I felt over experiencing infertility. I needed a place to unload and also to connect with other people who could relate to my experience. I have been very blessed by the infertile blogging community! I consider myself a much better person for knowing you all. Thank you so much for your support and empathy! I still pray for all of you and hope you are all blessed with a child.

Thankfully, I am no longer in that place of desparation and despair. For the first time in my life I feel perfectly happy. I'm not saying that my life is perfect. We do live in a fallen world. However, I have been feeling a deep sense of joy and peace. I am genuinely happy. It is such a nice change of pace and I am very grateful for the experience.

Since I feel like a different person than the woman who started this blog, I have decided not to add any more posts to this blog (at least for a while). I do have another blog that I will continue to keep current. I use my real name in my other blog so I do not want to just post the link here. If you are interested in following my other blog, please email me and I will be glad to share the link with you. If you would rather not follow my other blog I do understand. I will continue to pray for all of you and carry hope that your prayers for expanding your family are answered.

Thank you again for your support!
God bless you!

He's Here

2008-10-03T15:59:00.004-05:00

Thank you Justme for posting a comment that Baby had arrived. I don't have time to tell the story of all 36 hours of labor (eek!) but let's just say it took 2 trips to the hospital, 2 doulas, 2 soaks in the tub, 30 hours without medical intervention, 5 hours at 90% effacement and dialated to 9 before finally agreeing to an epidural (heaven sent drug that let me sleep!!), a couple hours on pitocin, an hour off the epidural to begin feeling contractions to push effectively, 15 minutes of pushing, and arrival of the baby 5 minutes before the doctor arrived to "catch."

*Whew*

Here are a couple pictures. The first is fairly soon after he was born and right after hubby put on his first diaper. The hat does not do justice to the *major* cone head he was sporting. The second picture was taken this morning just after he ate. Hubby took some short video clips of his facial expression exercises this morning too. I'll ask hubby to save a copy on my computer so I can post one or two for those who are interested.

Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

2008-09-29T11:39:00.002-05:00

If you whine, things will happen... My water broke at 1:26am this morning. I then had contractions every 4 minutes for about 45 minutes. Then they got really intense but slowed to be 20 minutes apart for a few hours. I did manage to sleep from about 4-8am, on and off between contractions. Now, the contractions are sporadic in time and intensity. I did go for a walk, but it is now too warm outside to be comfortable. My next trick is to do laps around my house to hopefully get things moving along. Please pray that things go smoothly and that this baby arrives safe and sound. I'll try to update when I return from the hospital. If nothing else, I'll have a real life friend post a comment to this entry.

Thanks in advance for the prayers!

Waiting

2008-09-28T21:59:00.003-05:00

I am 38w2d and I am ready for this baby to come. Periodically I still have some cramping and contractions, but it has slowed down since my 36th week. =( I have to say I am quite annoyed about that! Just when I hit "full term" baby decided to hunker down for what seems to be the long haul. Hubby and I have been doing *things* to try and encourage real labor to begin. Unfortunately, any contractions that result usually peeter off after about 30 minutes...

I don't mean to be whiny. I'm still ecstatic to be pregnant with a live and seemingly healthy baby! I have really had a pretty good pregnancy! I have only gained 20 pounds (metformin had a lot to do with that, I'm sure!) and I'm not even swollen like I would have expected. My heart hasn't had any episodes lately and my platelets seem to be stable. It's not that I am so miserable being pregnant that I can't wait to get it over with. I have had a good pregnancy. I'm just very eager to meet my baby. Also, there is another selfish reason that I am a little ashamed to admit. I have been having some frustrating experiences with one of the ladies I supervise at work and I really need a break from her...

However, I really don't want my baby to come if he's not quite ready. The most important thing to me is that we both are healthy. I am not asking to be induced or anything. I am going to wait until baby decides he's ready (unless I reach 42 weeks and then my doctor will induce). I really hope he comes soon though. It feels like this pregnancy has been dragging on for too long. Why does gestation have to take so long? I think I might have a talk with God about that...

In the mean-time, the carseat is installed, the baby's bed is put together and clothes are washed and put in drawers. We still haven't put the mural up in the baby's room, but we are waiting until my mom comes (Oct. 21st) to visit because she has hung wall paper before. I have had 3 baby showers and people have been very generous. I think we have all the basics that we need. We will probably need some more clothes, but I can buy those as we need them. I think we've got enough to get started. We also have *lots* of blankets. So many that we are probably going to give some of them to a cousin who is due a couple weeks after us.

Anyway, that's the short update. I will try to take a picture of my belly soon. Baby has dropped (which is encouraging) so you can really tell I am pg.

I hope everyone is doing well! Take Care!

Full Term

2008-09-19T16:06:00.005-05:00

Today I reached 37 weeks. It is nice to hit this milestone! For the past week I have been taking it easier and working from home half the day because my pre-labor symptoms increased throughout the week. I know it is possible for me to have these pre-labor symptoms for weeks, but I also didn't want to go into pre-term labor. My cramps and contractions would increase when I was standing or walking around. So, I tried to sit or lie down much of the day... or at least not be standing for too long. Of course, the contractions eased up yesterday, just when I was about to enter the "non-danger zone." Today I haven't really had any contractions, just some gas... Go figure.

Anyway, I had a check up today. The good news is that I tested negative for group b strep. I was glad because it would be a hastle to *have* to be connected to an IV during labor to receive antibiotics. Now we don't have to worry about it. =) The other 2 tests I had done today were a blood draw to check my platelets and an u/s to check the size and position of the baby. My doc couldn't tell for sure if he was head down so he wanted to double check. Baby is weighing in at about 6.3 pounds (31st percentile). Hopefully that means that he will be fairly easy to give birth to...

So, now for your viewing pleasure I can share a picture of my son's face. For those of you who have a hard time distinguishing these pictures, his face is on the right-hand side of the picture, with his chin smack-dab in the middle of the picture. you can see the shadows of 2 eyes, his nostrils, and his mouth which seems to be a little open. =)

MIA Update

2008-09-14T19:02:00.006-05:00

Sorry for the long period of MIA. Kathy V, thanks for checking in on me! I'm sorry I worried you. I am doing well. I am 36 weeks along and have been very healthy. I am now seeing my OB weekly. Hubby and I took a Lamaze class last weekend and have had our final prep meeting with our doula. Supposedly we are ready for labor/birth. I feel pretty good, but am tired most of the time. For a while now (over a month) I have been feeling like my baby will come early. I think I was right. Over the weekend I started to have some pre-labor symptoms (menstral crampy feelings, braxton hicks contractions, and baby lowering into my pelvis). I haven't lost my mucus plug or had regular contractions, so I am not considered to be in actual labor yet. However, I do kind of expect to go into labor within the next couple weeks. I have to admit, I hope that I do go into labor shortly after I pass 37 weeks... I'm tired of being this pregnant and all the awkwardness that goes along with it. However, I am proud that I have only gained 20 pounds and that my ankles still look normal. For some reason that feels like an accomplishment... Here's a fairly recent picture:

The above picture is from the baby shower my friends threw for me over labor day weekend. I am the huge one on the left. I was 34 weeks at the time. I'm bigger now... The woman to the left of me is due about a month after I am. The third woman on the right is not pregnant. She is "filling in" for our friend who wasn't able to be at the shower and is a couple weeks ahead of me but who looks like she just had Thanksgiving dinner. There was a lot of laughter while this picture was being taken...

It is getting late so I am going to sign off for now. I will try to be a better blogger. I will let you know when my baby arrives and post some pictures. Thank you to all of you who are still checking in on me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

28w Pictures

2008-07-19T23:23:00.004-05:00

My "girls" outgrew the green shirt, so I decided to switch outfits. I think this one will last until my kid shows...

Oh, and I'm officially in the 3rd trimester now! =D

Identity Shift

2008-07-19T20:04:00.010-05:00

Lately I have been reflecting on how I have formed my identity as a bodily person. Included in that is how I feel about my body and it's ability to perform (both basic tasks and more complicated proceedings). It's kind of weird to reflect on your relationship with your own body. I think I have had a kind of love-hate relationship for much of my life. As a child I went through several periods of poor health, of varying degrees. Fortunately, these periods were separated by times of pretty good health, so I did have some experience of having a body that worked the way it was "supposed" to (at least in certain aspects).

I have been chubby for much of my life, which I hate, and have consequently not felt very attractive during certain periods. However, I have also been on the weight loss/gain yo-yo so there have been periods where I felt confident in my own skin and reasonably attractive. It was also during those "lighter" periods where I felt more confident in my body's abilities. For example, about 6 years ago I was practicing yoga on a regular basis. I lost a lot of weight and was in great shape. I was also pretty strong and flexible. This was a time during which I felt capable... of anything...

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last. I moved jobs and states and experienced the most stressful year of my life. I gained more weight than ever and quit taking care of myself. That year was pretty rough on my self esteem too. The capable strength I had developed the previous year was erroded away. I had some health issues and was very lonely. It was a difficult time. Even though I lost (and gained) weight a few more times in the years to follow I don't think I ever fully recovered.

Fast forward to 2005 when I realized how badly my reproductive system was messed up. Even before I got married I suspected I would have fertility troubles. I have always had bad cramps. In grad school (2002-2005) I had some problems with anovulatory cycles and unusual amounts of bleeding. Add to that the stories my mom told me about the troubles conceiving and maintaining a pregnancy she and my aunt had and you can see why I started to identify with IF women, even before I started officially trying and had trouble. I tried to be proactive and get my difficulties diagnosed early so I could "combat" them before I had to experience years of trouble... After I passed the year mark ttc, I think the pipe dream I had of being the "exception" who could circumvent the "troubles" died. After my first m/c the last sliver of my pipe dream of beating the odds died. It was the final "evidence" that, even on progesterone and carefully monitored care, my body was a failure when it came to procreation... My identity as a failure as a woman was secured.

My identity as a failure stayed with me despite a BFP, despite reaching the 2nd trimester, despite seeing a healthy baby at my 18w u/s. I am tired of feeling like a failure!

The book on healing I read on retreat a couple months ago really helped me pray for healing and find some peace. There were some experiences in my past that really needed Jesus' healing. I had been walking around with the weight of that pain for many years. I now feel a good deal of peace having given over the pain and invited Jesus into those experiences. This new-found peace has lead me to slowly start to change the way I experience life in the here and now. It has also affected how I view myself and how I approach some situations.

Add to my new-found healed self the research I have been doing on labor and birthing options and you get a shift in identity. After watching the movie "The Bu.siness of Being B.orn" I figured out that there were a lot more decisions than I had realized that needed to be made about my labor. I am a nerd so, obviously, I went into major research mode. I started reading up on doulas and various natural birth methods. I especially like the books from the Sears Parenting Library. I have learned a lot about my options... MUCH more than I was told today at my all day "birthing" class at the hospital. I am still researching, but I'm feeling much more confident about knowing my options when my labor comes.

What does all my research have to do with my self-reflection? Reading all these books and talking to doulas has had an unexpected side-effect. The natural birthing culture (if you can call it a culture) is VERY supportive of a woman's ability to do what her body is made to do... to give birth. I have been inundated with a lot of positive, uplifting messages. It's starting to sink in.

Lately I have been feeling empowered and strong. I'm tired of feeling like an IF victim. I like feeling like a normal healthy pregnant woman. I like feeling empowered. I really think that my positive outlook can only be good for my baby. I know that, at the very least, too much anxiety can negatively affect my baby. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue to choose to be positive with my thoughts and behave like a "normal" and healthy pregnant woman.

There is more to blog about on this topic, but I'm tired and this post is already too long. Look for part 2 to come soon.

26w Belly Shot

2008-07-05T10:32:00.004-05:00

Here is the latest picture. I definitely think I have grown since my last picture. I've been trying to wear the same shirt for easier comparison. I might not be able to wear this shirt for much longer, though, because my girls are starting to fall out of it... I think I mentioned my problem with my growing "melons" (as Kathy V. calls them)? Well, let's just say it's still a problem.

Other than that, things are looking good. I think the baby has moved up a bit because I haven't had as much pressure lately. That has been nice! I did have some pain around my belly button for a few days (which I think might have been from diastasis) but I have been more careful about how I move and what positions I sit in and the pain has subsided. I have also been doing some breathing exercizes that I read about on a midwifery site. They have actually helped a lot!

I know there are more tidbits from life to update on, but I am really tired. I'm going to take advantage of the long weekend and go take a nap... =)

GTT Results

2008-07-02T21:14:00.003-05:00

I have been waiting for the results of my glucose tolerance test since last Friday. Finally today I got tired of waiting and called my doc's office. The nurse said that my results were normal and everything was fine. That's good! I would have been really worried if I hadn't passed because I am already taking met...

Mural Decisions

2008-07-02T12:06:00.005-05:00

I know it's been a while since I discussed the baby's room mural. After I posted the poll with 3 options my mom heard back about the original idea of the mural I had as a kid. So, we were waiting to see if anything came of that. Apparently, the mural company contacted the artist (Stewart Moskowitz) to see if he would be interested in signing a new contract to allow his picture to be used in a mural again. I guess he agreed, but they are still (as of July 2nd) waiting for him to sign the contract. I looked at the picture on Moskowitz's website and I do like it. The colors are more vibrant than they appeared on the 25 year-old box cut out picture... However, at this point hubby and I are getting anxious about having enough time left to get the room together...

The other part of the story is that I didn't fully love any of the 3 options that I posted for the poll. I loved everything about "Noah's Ark" except the eyes on the animals, which just make them look crazed. I don't really want my baby to dream about crazed animals... I like "Noah and the Rainbow" except for the pink sky and the pastel colors in the rainbow. I wish the sky were more blue and the rainbow was made with more primary colors. I've decided that I don't really like "Two by Two" any more, although I DO like the concept of having the fish and animals visible. Hubby was never fully 100% happy with any of those 3 options either, so we went back to the drawing board (so-to-speak).

Stewart Moskowitz has some other great images (I really liked his Noah Submarine), but he doesn't offer murals through his site and I don't even know if he is actually going to sign a contract for the 1st image, let alone other images. However, I think we found another option that we both like. It doesn't show land animals, but the ocean looks really cool (like you could just dive into the picture and swim with the sea creatures) and it includes the boat, rainbow and dove parts of the Noah story so it would be good for story telling. Here is the link and picture:

Ocean Noah

What do you think? Do you like it?

It's all Good

2008-06-26T20:25:00.005-05:00

The short story is that even though I still feel the same pressure and periodic pain of the past few days, I have been taken off bedrest. Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of me and praying for me! If you want to know the longer story keep reading.

Yesterday when I talked to the nurse she told me to rest for the day and call back in the morning with an update. Well, this morning's update was that I still felt the same symptoms. So, the doc's office scheduled me for 1:30. I contacted work and took another day off... [I only have 2 days to roll-over to next year, but my anniversary date is in July so hopefully I'll get to keep those for maternity leave!] Then I hung out on the couch until it was time to leave.

Once at the doctor's they combined this appointment with the stuff (GTT test, u/s to check on placenta placement, regular 25/26w check-in) they were going to do on Tuesday. It's nice I don't have to go back next week!

As for the results, I find out about the GTT either tomorrow or Monday. I didn't really feel that weird after drinking the orange stuff... I don't know if that's a good thing or not... I'm still taking metformin so if my blood sugar is off I am in real trouble! I have gained 10 pounds total this pg. Doc said he would be fine if I didn't gain any more weight, or if I even lost some (but I'm not supposed to TRY to loose weight). Not sure how I feel about the weight gain issue...

The baby weighs 1.9 pounds and is in the 84th percentile. (Hubby and I are both shorter so I don't know where he gets it!) As for the other stuff, the answer to everything is "4." My cervix measured 4cm. (It got longer!!!! It was 3.65 last time!) My placenta is 4cm away from my cervix. (Yay!!!! That means I can have a vaginal delivery without worrying about bleeding to death!) You may be wondering where the cervical pressure is coming from... Baby has decided that it is time to put his head right up against my cervix. He's very impatient I guess. Apparently this is not all that uncommon. And, he could still change positions multiple times before it's "time."

I left feeling mostly encouraged. I'm VERY glad to know that baby is doing well and that my cervix is in good shape. I was shocked that it has actually gotten longer! I didn't know that happened at this stage in the game. However, I'll take it (especially over the alternative)!! I felt kind of silly that the nurse put me on bedrest when I am fine and I know so many others who are dealing with much more serious conditions and are on bedrest. When it's your first time this far along in pg, it's really hard to know what is a normal ache or pain and what is something to worry about. My doc said that the feelings I've been having are basically going to be considered my new "normal." So, unless the pressure/pain drastically change or get much worse, I shouldn't worry. I guess I just get to be one of those lucky pg ladies who is uncomfortable for a long time... BUT, I'm not complaining! As long as baby is doing well and staying put, I am happy!!!!

In other more frivolous news, the baby still isn't cooperating in having his profile picture taken. He definitely takes after his dad--he apparently doesn't like to have his picture taken. The u/s tech did get a 3/4 face shot that looks pretty cool and not quite so skeleton like...

OK. That's the update. Thanks again for checking in on me!

1930's Wife?

2008-06-25T18:44:00.001-05:00

Well, apparently I would make a good 1930's wife... To be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Superior

Take the test!

Bed Rest

2008-06-25T12:24:00.003-05:00

Sorry for the silence lately. I did warn you that I tend to post in spurts... I have been reading and commenting, but haven't been up to thinking up a whole post.

So, I am on bedrest today. I have been experiencing some pressure on my cervix and pain in my abdomen. The pain I think is mostly rlp and I'm not that concerned about it. The pressure (which can get painful if I stand for too long) I am a little more concerned about. 2 days ago the baby moved to the lower half of my uterus (I only feel movement below my belly button, my belly is only firm below my belly button, and when I use the doppler the baby's heart is very low below my belly button as well) and I started feeling a lot of pressure on my cervix. It could be that the baby just decided to sit on my cervix. However, I am more worried that my cervix is dilating or that the baby has started to "engage," which scares me. 24w is way too early for that! I know I was excited to reach 24w because the baby is possibly viable, but the odds are still not in my favor. When I talked to the nurse this morning she told me she wanted me to stay home and rest today because I have had cervical pressure before (around 21w) and because my placenta is pretty close to the cervix. The plan is for me to see how I feel in the morning and call to check in. If I am feeling better I might be able to go back to work (if I wear a maternity support belt, which I already started wearing yesterday). If I feel the same or worse, I am supposed to go in to the doc's office. My doc does his hospital rounds/surgeries on Wed's so he's not in the office today anyway. He'll be in tomorrow.

Here is the encouraging news:
1. the pressure does improve (although doesn't disappear) when I sit and even more when I lie down
2. I haven't seen any blood
3. I haven't seen anything that I thought was my mucus plug
4. baby is VERY active throughout the day and seems to be doing well

I have to admit, I didn't expect the nurse to suggest I stay home on bedrest. I wasn't really scared until she said that. I cried after I hung up. Hubby is very worried. He is the one who actually convinced me to call the nurse. I really hope that things improve. I am scheduled for my regular check up and GTT test next week on Tuesday. That's only 6 days away. At that time I am also scheduled to have an u/s to check on the position of my placenta. I was hoping I would be able to just wait until that appointment.

OK. I'm really tired right now. I haven't been sleeping well lately so maybe I just need to catch up on sleep.

The Bus.iness of Being Bo.rn

2008-06-15T22:39:00.004-05:00

Has anyone seen this movie ("The Bus.iness of Being Bo.rn")? We watched it tonight. I have been thinking about how we will approach the birth of this little one for a while now. I was already leaning toward trying to go all natural and even considering using a doula. Now, hubby and I have decided that we will for sure try to hire a doula. I think the part of the movie that stayed with me the most is how one intervention (e.g. giving an epidural) can have a snowball effect that requires more interventions (e.g. pitocin) and possibily lead to a higher c-section rate. The movie spent a lot of time on covering home births. I'm not really convinced that I want to give birth at home... I do like my doc (although, I am not guaranteed that he will be the one on call when I deliver) and I feel comfortable with the hospital I am supposed to use. However, I definitely see the benefits of having a professional labor assistant who can stay with me during my whole labor. I feel like I will have a better shot at having no or little intervention if I have soemone there who can help me understand what is happening and what options I have for dealing with it.

Anyway, I would recommend watching the movie if you are pg if, for no other reason, to get another view of how labor can happen.

22w5d Belly Shot

2008-06-11T21:31:00.003-05:00

Here is my latest belly shot. I didn't think I had really grown that much in the last 2 weeks, but I can see a difference between this shot and my 20w4d shot. So, it looks like the baby is growing. Yay! =)

Friendship...

2008-06-10T23:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I finally heard back from my friend. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. Let's just say her reaction didn't immediately make me feel better. She did apologize, but she also gave some excuses and basically told me that she didn't have time/energy to put much more into our friendship (although she really values the time we spent together in grad school and the support I gave to her in her time of need).

I don't know. I think I need some more time to process... I still feel much of the hurt and bitterness I felt before. I don't know if it is something I can work through and be friends with her, or if it is just too much for me. I don't know.

Coincidence?

2008-06-10T11:07:00.002-05:00

I woke up with a headache this morning. Well, in truth, I first woke up at 4am and spent about 2 hours awake catching up on blogs, then I went back for a nap and woke up at 9am with a headache. So, what is the coincidence? I have to go to work today after 2 nights of great sleep and 2 glorious days off. It's weird because I don't hate my job. Besides the stress that goes with it, I actually like my job. I think it's important work, I feel reasonably competent at it, and many of the people I work with are great (there are always pains-in-the-*** anywhere you go, but you know what I mean). All last week I was feeling kind of headachey too but this weekend I felt great.

So, there are a few options:
1. Hubby is starting to come down with something and he passed it on to me (he has been headachey the last couple days).
2. I have "selective" allergies that flare up only when I'm not completely relaxed.
3. I am surpressing my feelings again and unaware of how I really feel about work.
4. I really want to stay home with the baby (and can't right away for financial reasons) and am internalizing stress symptoms before the baby is even viable.

I don't know if there are any more options, but those are the ones I can think of off the top of my achey head...

Baby Austin is Here!

2008-06-10T05:27:00.001-05:00

Head on over to Farah's site and congratulate her! Baby Austin came into the world at 12:02am!

The Promised Update

2008-06-08T22:09:00.006-05:00

**This post is all about Baby. Feel free to skip if you need to.

Three posts in one day! I'm on a role... I guess my quiet phase is over...

Last weekend we got a new printer/scanner/fax all-in-one so I thought I would take advantage of the new equipment. Here is a picture of our 19 week u/s. The baby wasn't in a good position for a profile shot, but here is an "above" shot of my little skeleton baby. Cute, huh!?!

I went to the doc on Tuesday. Last weekend I had some cramping that got progressively worse, including a cramping/stretching in my cervix area. I wasn't bleeding so I figured I would sleep it off. Monday morning it was improved, but got worse throughout the day. So, Monday afternoon I talked to one of the nurses at my doc's office and she said she thought it was probably normal pregnancy pains, but that I should come in just to check me out.

The good news is that my BP was back down (100/68)! It was such a big change that the nurse actually did a double take when she went to write it in my chart... However, my doc didn't seem phased. I guess the retreat really did help me relax. =) I hadn't gained any weight, which was good. They also did another very quick u/s to check my cervix. Everything checked out ok. My cervix measured 3.65, so that was good. While the u/s was in there (yes, I was reaquainted with the dil.do cam) we found the culprit... 2 little feet kept kicking my cervix! The baby was breech. He must have been completely streched out because I had been feeling movement very low (obviously) and just above my belly button (the top of my uterus) for a couple weeks. I guess he decided that he wanted to stretch out while there was still some room. Little stinker. Thankfully, I think he has rotated some. The other day I felt some little feet off to the side. I was actually glad about that. I don't really want a little foot to kick through my mucus plug. I know that probably doesn't happen, but my imagination can come up with all kinds of crazy things!

I had the day off today (YAY!!!!) so we decided to go to BRU and register. It was kind of a weird experience because we were both just wandering around looking at everything and saying, "I have NO idea what we need!" In the end we decided on some safety stuff (e.g. outlet covers), a stroller and carseat, a co-sleeper, some bath supplies, a glider chair and ottoman, some pacifiers, and a swing/bounce seat. For big stuff we still need a pack 'n play, a dresser, and possibly a crib (we haven't decided if we want a crib or if we will just use the pack 'n play). I think I need to go back with a friend who is an experienced mom so she can help me figure out what I will really need. I also decided, after a lot of research and agonizing, what kind of baby carrier I want to use. I think it will be a good combo of sling and more structured carrier. I'm hoping that it will be a good match/fit for me. I don't want to be one of those people who orders 5 different kinds of carriers before finding the right one (I have a friend who did this).

I also got one of those pg lady back support girdle things. I think it will be good for days I have to stand for long periods of time. I tried wearing it for a couple hours tonight and I could definitely feel the back support. However, I don't think I will wear it all day (at least for now) because I usually end up sitting much of the day. The back support part is kind of itchy and pokes slightly in a couple places when I'm sitting. However, I think it was a good purchase. Now, I just need to find a bra that will work for me. I have already outgrown all of the bras I currently own and I'm only 22 weeks... I think I'm a size F right now, but I keep growing. I'm scared what will happen when my milk comes in! I'm also not sure what to do about my bra problem. I don't want to buy too many bras now that I will only wear for a couple months... especially since most of the bras that will fit me need to be special ordered and are expensive! I found a couple online ordering sites, so I will look more closely at them. However, if you know of any good large lady nursing bra sites you can pass on, I would gladly take suggestions.

OK, that's enough rambling for now.

Child's Room Wall Mural

2008-06-08T21:33:00.007-05:00

Well, we are trying to narrow down the options for the baby's room decoration. We definitely want to do a wall mural. It doesn't look like the mural I had as a kid can be located so we are looking at other options. We need the mural to be gender neutral so we can re-use the space for (hopefully) more children in the future... (This is an example of the positive thinking I am trying to adopt.) Hubby and I both like the idea of animals and of fish in the ocean. We also like Noah's Ark. We were trying to combine them somehow and found a few murals that seemed to do that. I am including 3 options below. You can click on the title to see a better picture. Please give me some feedback. Do you like them? Do you have a favorite? Or, do you think we should keep looking? I'll post a poll to the side too, but comments will be very helpful. Thanks for your input!

Two by Two:

Noah's Ark:

Noah and the Rainbow:

Show and Tell

2008-06-08T19:32:00.006-05:00

Here is my latest entry for Mel's Show and Tell:

This was my FAVORITE book growing up. If you look closely you can tell that the book cover is well-worn and held together at the top and bottom with clear packing tape. My mom used to read this book with an Irish accent and reeeaaaaaallly emphasize the phrase "Leprechauns never lie!," which is repeated often in the book.

**SPOILER ALERT** The following 2 paragraphs are a summary of the story. Skip if you don't want to know the story.

The book is about a VERY lazy girl, Ninny Nanny, who lives with her ailing Gram and the house is falling apart because never does her chores. The girl finds a leprechaun (who never lies) and tries to convince him to tell her where his pot of gold is. The leprechaun very cunningly tells her all the places his gold USED to be and in the process of her looking for the gold she ends up doing her chores (sorting the wood pile, filling the water barrel, thatching the roof with straw from the pile, digging up the potatoes in the potato patch). Finally Ninny Nanny is so tired from all the work and so frustrated with the leprechaun she decides to let him go.

The good news is that now she and Gram have a warm house and food in their belly. Unfortunately, Ninny Nanny was still too lazy because she left 1 potato plant in the garden. Late that night the leprechaun returned and dug up the remaining potato plant, picked up his pot of gold and rushed off to find a new hiding spot.

*************

As a soon-to-be parent I really like the message of the book. As a kid I thought the book was funny and I would yell at the girl about where the gold really was. I have many good memories of reading this book with my mom. I highly recommend this book for any parents who are looking for good books to read to their children. I looked at Bar.nes and Nobl.es' website and it looks like the book was re-released, with a new cover. If you decide to get the book, let me know what you think. =)

What's in a Friendship? -Updated-

2008-06-05T19:58:00.007-05:00

I'm sorry for the silence lately. Sometimes I feel full of words that I have to get out (hence, I started the blog). Sometimes I feel very quiet and just go into "take-it-in" mode. I've been feeling quiet lately... However, I feel like I need some feed-back about something.

I just wrote a "Dear Jane" type of email. Have you ever been in a friendship where you each have different needs/expectations for the relationship? In this instance I had a friend who I was pretty close to during 3 years of grad school. During that time we talked daily, prayed together, and supported each other during hard times. She struggled with infertility for a year before conceiving her oldest daughter (who is now 3 & 1/2). Then, her pregnancy was very high risk and she was on bedrest for 6 months. I visited her almost daily and helped her stay connected with the rest of our classmates.

After graduation we talked on the phone periodically and we have seen each other 2 times, both of which were nice and seemed to go well. The trouble came once I started experiencing my own infertility. I thought she would be a great friend to me. Afterall, she knew how it felt to want a baby so badly and have your body fail you... The last time we saw each other was just after my surgery and the misdiagnosis of male infertility last spring. During the visit she was very supportive and a good listener (even as she held her 3 month old baby...). At that point I was entering into the darkest part of my journey.

The next 9 months were a rollercoaster ride through hell for me. I didn't have extra energy to reach out to her. I could barely take care of myself and my husband. I needed her to reach out to me. She didn't. I got a message in August from her and didn't call her back because she said she would try me again the next day. She didn't call. She did leave another message about a month later apologizing for not contacting me while she was in town for a wedding (she lives several states away) and, again, said she would call me back. She didn't. I did call her back a couple days later and left her a VM. She didn't call me back. When I had my first 1st m/c in September she called again and left me another VM and, again, promised to call me. At that point I was NOT up to calling her. And, I was already feeling very hurt and let down by her, not to mention that I was grief-stricken at loosing my first baby. She never called me back and I haven't heard from her since, until today.

Yesterday I sent an email to all of my grad school classmates (it was a small class and we were pretty close) and told them that I was pg and almost 22 weeks. She replied to my email. She congratulated me, said she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and gave me a small update on her family. She also said she was going to try and call me...

I wrote her back and thanked her the prayers and congratulations but told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to call me. I explained how hurt I have been that, obviously, our friendship wasn't as important to her as it was to me. I told her how hurt I was that she hadn't reached out to me more, even though she should know how painful things have been for me, and especially since I was there for her during her difficult time.

I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation right now. I have been carrying around that hurt for a long time. I'm sad to loose the friendship I thought we had during grad school. However, it's only a friendship if it's a 2-way street. I don't know. What would you have done in this situation? Would you have tried to talk it out with her? Would you have just not responded? Or, do you think I did the right thing by sending the honest email? I'm starting to second guess myself... Thanks for your feedback!

I'll have an update and some pictures in my next post. =)

=====================================

Update:
Three days later: I still haven't heard from my friend. Her silence is deafening.

Trish's Baby UPDATED

2008-05-31T10:50:00.003-05:00

Please pray for Trish. She came down with pre-eclampsia and is having a c-section at 26w2d. She is scared and asking for prayers.

God please protect Trish and Baby C ("Tater") today and in the months to come. Keep them safe and healthy and help Tater grow big and strong.

St. Gerard, please lift up Trish and Tater in your prayers and intercede on their behalf.

********************************************

UPDATE:
Trish gave birth to Robert Michael C. at 11:22am and he is doing very well! Yeah! Please click over to her blog to give support and to see pictures of a beautiful (and tiny) baby boy!

A New Day UPDATED

2008-05-28T22:53:00.006-05:00

On Thursday, May 29, please click on Allison's blog, Our Own Creation, and help replace that post with whatever is currently up on her blog that day. Everyone needs to visit on the same day--May 29th--because if we simply click throughout the week, it won't bump the day she lost Zoë from that section of the dashboard. I am writing this now to give us time to spread the word. Take the graphic I created and place it on your own blog. Don't worry--I'll remind you to click that day.We need 2,350 people to visit Our Own Creation on May 29th. We need 1,785 people visit Sweet Zoë.

The day that Allison lost Zoë is forever marked her "best day ever" on Wordpress because it is the day that the most people visited her blog. For her own emotional well-being, she needs this post to be taken off her blog dashboard. The way to do that is to create a new record for visits to her blog.

**************************************************************

UPDATE:

Mission accomplished! Allison more than met her goal! Yeah!

Back from Retreating

2008-05-27T10:12:00.006-05:00

**p-word talk below**

I'm back in the land of activity. My retreat was very nice and peaceful. I was definitely able to relax and to even catch up on some sleep. There was a lot of opportunity to pray and listen, which I really needed. One of the books I was reading during the retreat is called "healing the hidden self." It is about how we can ask Jesus to heal our younger selves so that we can move on from the pain/effects in our adult life. The author says some interesting things about possible traumas that people can inherit from stresses the mom feels during pregnancy and about the trauma children may feel during the birthing process. I started to think about some things from my childhood that I may still be carrying around. It also made me think about how I am approaching this pg and how I plan to approach the upcoming birth. One thing that I think will be important is that I try to avoid (or at least deal with better) undue stress. Also, I have decided that I will have a positive attitude about this pg from here on in. I can't give any more energy to being scared or worried that this baby isn't going to come out alive and well. I still realize that something may happen, but I am choosing not to spend energy worrying about "what if" anymore. The baby is still kicking away, so that is helping with my new attitude...

I took my first set of belly pics. This weekend I noticed that my stomach really seemed to pop out. At about18 weeks I felt like I didn't have a waist anymore, but now I really feel like my stomach is starting to stick out. Of course, there's fat on top of the baby, so I think that many people, if they didn't know me, would just think I was fat... especially when I'm not wearing a maternity shirt. I am wearing my favorite maternity shirt in the pic so I look more pg than in other shirts. I am looking forward to just looking pg, without people being confused if I've just gained a few pounds... This is the first time in my life where I don't mind my stomach getting bigger. In fact, I was actually kind of excited that it was expanding! Passing 20w was good for me.

Thanks to all of you who have been commenting! I signed up to be a part of NaComLeavMo and I am in the process of figuring out how to put the icon in my sidebar. I will be around the blogsphere, but it will take me a little while to get caught up on reading all the posts from the weekend.

Retreat Weekend

2008-05-22T17:41:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to let all you out in blogland know that I will be away for the weekend. I am going on a much needed retreat. The only bad part of the weekend is that my husband was not able to come with me =(. In my hormonal moody pg state, I am actually really sad about being away from him! The retreat house is very close to my house, so I might just sneak away for a bit and come home to snuggle a little. Hubby is also sad about the separation, but he is very supportive of me going on retreat. At least he has Monday off so we can spend some time together then. I really am looking forward to the actual retreat. It is a silent retreat. I've never been on one, but I think being forced to shut up and listen to God can only be good for me.

In other news, I will be 20w tomorrow. It feels good to hit the half-way mile stone. Now, I'm trying to hold on until 24w. My next u/s is during week 24 too, so that should be a good week (hopefully). Baby is still doing well. Yesterday Baby was kicking up a storm most of the day, so that was encouraging.

I'll be back on Sunday night. Hopefully I'll be well-rested and peaceful too. =)

Late to the Party

2008-05-20T10:10:00.004-05:00

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you may remember that I am sometimes slow to react to things emotionally. Apparently, this trend goes beyond emotions... I got my first bout of morning sickness on Sunday. I had some food aversions in the first trimester, but I never had any real nausea (only "mini" nausea) or vomiting. At 19w2d I lost my breakfast. I noticed the eggs I was cooking smelled weird to me. However, I had just purchased them, they had an expiration date sometime in June, and they were the expensive all natural, organic, free range eggs. I just figured that I was being a little picky pg lady and ignored my feelings. I had a very healthy meal (scrambled eggs, cantaloupe, english muffin, and OJ). Then, I went to brush my teeth. Then, I saw all of my breakfast again. I do tend to have an overactive gag reflex while brushing my teeth, but this was uncalled for!

Frankly, I was really taken off guard. On the authority of MANY sources, I thought morning sickness wasn't a problem after the 1st tri was over... Monday I had another food aversion warning as I was fixing my breakfast. This time, I heeded the warning and ate something different (and very plain!). I still felt a little queasy, but I didn't loose anything. I had another food smell aversion at dinner time last night and, again, chose something plain instead. This morning I didn't notice any aversions, so hopefully I won't have to look at my breakfast again.

If this problem continues, I will ask my doc about it. Is this normal? I haven't heard of any stories of morning sickness showing up for the first time in the 2nd tri. I guess someone has to be the exception, I'm just not sure I'm happy being that person...

In other news, baby is still alive and kicking. Life is still good. =)

Show and Tell

2008-05-17T11:13:00.009-05:00

This was the wallpaper mural in my room when I was between 3-12 years old.

I mentioned to my mom that, in thinking about how to decorate my baby's room I was thinking about that mural and wondered if I could find it or something similar. I was working off of my memory of the wall. I have many fond memories of looking at the wall and using my imagination. I thought it was the coolest room on the planet! I also had wonderful yellow walls that I loved. The only reason I moved out of that room is when I hit junior high I wanted to be farther away from my parents, so I moved into the biggest bedroom in the house, which happened to be in the basement. My childhood room remained yellow with the great wallpaper. In fact, even when my parents sold the house they just freshened up the paint and kept the wallpaper so that another kid could enjoy the room.

Anyway, when I mentioned to my mom that I was thinking about that mural, she said she had some ideas about where I might find it. Next thing I know, my dad has pulled out this box from the garage... The same box they received the original mural in! There are even some left over pieces of wall paper still in the box! Frankly, I was speechless... until I started laughing my butt off! I couldn't believe my mom kept it, even through a major move! She said that she hadn't planned on keeping it at the time (28 years ago!) but that I loved the wall paper so much as a kid she decided to hold onto it "just in case..." The picture up above is from the side of the box so I guess it came in handy... =)

So, now that we have the box we know the company that originally made the mural (although the artist's name isn't anywhere on the box). My mom contacted the company to see if they still carried this mural. They don't. However, my mom seems to have made a friend with one of the secretaries at the company (Wanda). Wanda, apparently, is trying to track down a copy of this for me (even if it is just a poster). Honestly, I never expected my innocent wondering about that mural to have had such a big reaction! If Wanda does manage to find a way to get this as a mural I basically have to buy it because she went above and beyond.

I do still like the mural, but not as much as I thought I would. I remembered it having more colors. I have looked through a lot of kid room murals lately (in the search for this particular one) so I have seen a lot of really great options. I like the idea of putting a solar system mural on the ceiling. Hubby suggested doing a kind of layered effect where we would have under the sea (at the bottom), above the water (in the middle), sky (on top) and solar system (on the ceiling). I do kind of like the idea of that. We have 10ft ceilings so we have some height on the wall to work with. This would all only be on one wall so hopefully it wouldn't be too overwhelming. Of course, we would need to find the right murals to work with so they would flow together somewhat. I guess we'll just have to see what happens. In any case, now you know what my childhood bedroom looked like.

It's a...

2008-05-16T13:27:00.007-05:00

Very healthy baby!!!! The baby is measuring right on track, has all his organs, plenty of amniotic fluid, weighs about .7 pounds and has a heart beat of 149. I only gained 2 pounds since my last apt 5 weeks ago. YEAH! Also, WHEW! I had kind of gotten myself worked up a little last night. It was bad enough that I woke up after 4.5 hours with my head spinning and wasn't able to go back to sleep for a couple hours. I was just very anxious that something would come up in the u/s to ruin what, so far, has been a pretty good pg. The worst news is that I have to have another u/s in 4 weeks because the placenta is a little too close to the cervix still. (Darn! I have to look at the baby again!) They like to see the placenta at least 3 cm away from the cervix and mine is only 1 cm away. They didn't seem too worried about it because I still have a lot of growing to do and it is making progress. At my last u/s at 10w the placenta was completely covering the cervix. So, it is definitely moving in the right direction and I'm not too worried about it.

The second piece of not great news is that my blood pressure was quite a bit higher. Normally I am around 110/65. Today I was 138/82. I told the doc that I have been stressed and haven't been sleeping well. He told me I needed to take it easy and I shouldn't be working overtime. I told him that my schedule should be better now and that I shouldn't need to work overtime for a while. Hopefully that will help. I think hubby is finally on board to come walk with me in the mornings. I think that will also help us with staying healthy and feeling like we have some time to spend together. If my bp is still high at the next apt I will start to worry about it more. In the mean-time, I will just try to do more "healthy" things to help myself.

Overall I am feeling very happy and relieved. Our DVD worked in the machine this time so hopefully I will be able to figure out how to get some u/s pictures to post here. Hubby is working on trying to get the DVD to play in something. In the meantime, I think I might take a nap. Thank you to everyone who prayed for us and for all the supportive comments over the last few weeks. I know I have been kind of chica negativa lately. I think my attitude will be improved from now on. My schedule has finally let up some and I am feeling a lot more confident about this pg. Life is good! =)

The Worst News I can Imagine

2008-05-15T19:39:00.003-05:00

Please go over to Beautiful Curve and give her some support. She just lost her second baby at 23w. She lost her first baby at 22w. Murphy must hate her. My heart breaks for her!

Nervous

2008-05-15T19:24:00.003-05:00

Well, I am 18w6d today. Tomorrow is the big u/s. I am pretty nervous. I have been having some odd aches in my cervical area. The paranoid part of my brain has been worried that it is thinning and dialating.... I am definitely asking my doc to check it tomorrow! I'm really looking forward to seeing the baby, but I'm also nervous about what we will see. I just want all the organs to be present, accounted for, and growing on target. Hubby wants to find out the gender. I feel ambivilent about the gender. I just really want a healthy baby!!! My heart breaks every time I hear about someone who looses their baby in tragic circumstances late in their pg. I know this is really selfish, but I really don't want to join that club! I have been pretty stressed out for at least a month. My heart palpatations have returned.

I know I sound crazy, but I would really appreciate prayers, good wishes, etc. sent my way. Tomorrow, after everything is ok, I will pull out of this self-centered paranoid crap.

Just to end on a more positive note, I felt the baby move "for sure" yesterday. I have had some experiences that "might" have been the baby for a few weeks, but yesterday was definitely the baby. I was sitting at work typing something. All of a sudden it felt like bubbles were brushing up against the inside of my belly. It happened about 4-5 times. It was a beautiful, wonderful, happy moment! I have been checking in on the baby about every other day with the doppler (holding steady at 150 beats/min), but feeling the baby was A LOT more exciting!

What's the Opposite of Infertile?

2008-05-09T08:19:00.002-05:00

Michelle Duggar.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24537885&GT1=43001

http://health.discovery.com/convergence/duggars/duggarfamily.html

I have mixed feelings about this. It seems like their children are well cared for and loved, which is the most important thing. I do think that letting God guide your fertility choices is a good thing. I also really believe that every couple has to discern what God is calling them to in regards to their family. I feel a "but" or a "however" looming in the back of my head, but I can't seem to put it into words. Maybe it's a little bit of lingering jealousy that it seems so easy for them? I'm not sure. For now, it looks like there will probably be another Duggar in the world in 9 months...

If I can just make it until...

2008-05-06T04:48:00.005-05:00

Has anyone ever had the feeling of being so busy/overwhelmed that they keep a certain date in their head as their goal because "after that day things will be calmer!"? I seem to fall into this trap over and over and over. I don't know if it is the nature of my job, or if it is just life in general. I'm starting to wonder if this is not a healthy way to go through life. If nothing else, this approach has started to feel like an empty promise. Inevitably, I finally get to "the date" with a lot of built up stress and anticipation about "the promised land" (i.e. time off, or at least less rushing around) only to be disappointed with the realization that my to do list hasn't gotten any shorter, my calendar is still just as full (if not fuller) and there is a new "date" to shoot for. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through the desert to a watering hole only to arrive at the watering hole and find out it was a mirage.

Case in point: May 3rd has been my goal date for a couple months. May 3rd marked the official end of all kid oriented scheduling in my program for this school year. The rest of the events that I am responsible were supposed to be "minor" in comparison and are adult focused. May 3rd also marked the last Saturday I was scheduled to work until June 7th (ahh, weekend sleeping in bliss!). So, I woke up early on May 4th only to roll out of bed and go to work/church. It was the last day of another kid program in my department so I needed to be present. OK, I can handle that because it is a regular Sunday schedule for me. No biggie, right? Except, since I have been so focused on May 3rd, I forgot all the detail stuff I needed to finish for a departmental development day on Tuesday (today...). So, May 4th and 5th were spent squeezing the planning in between regularly scheduled work. Oh, and of course there are those training sessions the 4 Mondays of May that I have to be around for (luckily, I am not leading the training!!!).

What does this mean? It means that I worked a 13 hour day yesterday so that I would be prepared for last night's training and today's "fun and relaxing" development day. I means that I just swapped one set of stresses for a new set of stresses and that the break in the clouds I was promised (I promised to myself?) was a mirage. It means that I am feeling disillusioned by my own schedule.

Does anyone else have this problem? I am starting to feel like I need a different approach to life. I constantly feel like I am living for "someday" rather than living in the moment. Sure, I have brief encounters where I am able to appreciate the "here and now," but these are the exception not the rule. I feel like I am stuck. I have to plan ahead with my job! Otherwise I would be reduced to tears everyday, overwhelmed by the constant barrage of tasks and people that battle for my attention. In one sense, my schedule/calendar/to-do list is my saving grace. However, that same schedule/calendar/to-do list also serves to remind me that there is no end in sight. I need a break in the clouds. How do you create a space of calm in the midst of the storm?

I will gladly accept all suggestions, comments, and assvice.

10,001

2008-04-30T23:21:00.002-05:00

I just noticed that my stats say that I have broken 10,000 hits to my blog (since I installed the counter). Yeah me! =) Thanks for reading along with my craziness!

I have some posts bumping around in my head, but I am too tired to write any of them down right now. Hopefully I'll have some more energy tomorrow or Friday...

'night

You know you're "really" pregnant when...

2008-04-30T08:15:00.001-05:00

you loose bladder control when you cough.

It's Started Already

2008-04-27T08:08:00.003-05:00

*p-word warning*

I was warned about it. I've seen people do it. In my younger days I may have even done it myself. However, I thought I still had some time before my personal space started to be invaded. I mean, unless you've seen me naked to look at my 2 tiny stretch marks (I mark at the sneeze of a fat cell...) there is no way you would know I was pg! As soon as I came out of the pg closet I might as well have painted a permanent bulls eye on my belly. I'm talking, of course, about The Belly Rub. I have already been felt up by several people. It hasn't happened with strangers or new acquaintances yet, but a couple of my acquaintance-friends (more than a mere acquaintance, but not a close friend) apparently feel free enough to just pat, grab, or rub my abdomen. And the worst part is that since I'm only 16w my pudge is still fairly low in my abdomen so their hands are also kind of low... However, this does give my "girls" a little bit of breathing room (at least for now) from the inevitable "brushes" that are to come.

Why is it that people think that a pregnant woman's body somehow becomes public domain? Most people would never consider touching a non-pregnant person in the middle section without permission. Why don't they think it's necessary to get permission just because I'm growing another person inside me? If you think about it, they are actually invading the personal space of 2 people!

I do realize that there isn't much I can do about this. I knew it was part of pg. I've heard friends complain about it. All I can do is whine on my blog and hope that people will at least ask my permission first before grabbing me.

Chinese Calendar Gender Predictions

2008-04-23T23:43:00.006-05:00

**Post all about the p-word and babies**

So, I've been wondering about the gender of this baby I'm trying to grow. In the beginning of the pregnancy, in the milliseconds when I let myself think about it, I felt like this baby was a boy. Lately though (the last few weeks) I've been feeling like the baby is a girl. Hubby wants to find out the sex so I only have a few weeks of wondering before my next doc apt at 19w.

A lot have people around me have been speculating. It's amazing how much people want to talk about pg when they know there's a preggo in the room... Several people have told me to consult the Chinese calendar to predict the sex of my baby. I was curious, especially since my "girl" feelings lately have been pretty strong, so I checked it out. I did the math and converted everything to the lunar calendar like you're supposed to and supposedly it's a ............... BOY. I was actually kind of excited about that. Not that I wouldn't be happy about and love a girl! I know I would. However, For the last few years I have thought it would be kind of fun to be the mom of boys. You know those cool moms who have all boys? I'm sure you know one of them. I'm not very girly, so I think I might be able to pull off being a cool "boy mom."

Does anyone have an opinion about the various methods of gender prediction? I will post a poll to let people make their own predictions...

Not Spoiled Any More =(

2008-04-22T10:36:00.002-05:00

If you don't feel like listening to whining (about life, not the p-word), then feel free to skip this post.

I miss my husband. I am happy that he finally seems to have a job that matches his skills, interests him, and pays decently. However, I miss the days when he was a student and was home a lot. I basically got to see him any time I didn't have to work... I got to see him whenever I wanted. Now, he leaves in the morning before I do and he gets home after I do. In the morning neither one of us are big talkers. We pretty much just stay quiet and go about getting ready for the day. We both also get home pretty late (between 8-9pm) so we don't have much time together in the evenings... especially lately because I have been so tired and going to bed earlier than normal. Then, for 6 weeks in a row (4 down, 2 more to go) I have to work Saturdays. That means my only day off is Friday... and hubby has Saturdays and Sundays off... Add all these things together and you get a couple of people who don't get to spend a lot of time together (unless you count snoring next to eachother, which I don't).

I miss the days of being spoiled and getting to see hubby whenever I wanted.

Naive or Just Plain Mean?

2008-04-18T10:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday Mel posted about this, and updated with this. I debated about whether to enter the conversation or not. I vacillated between not wanting to give any more attention to something so offensive (on SO MANY levels) and my desire to add some of my ideas to the conversation, to give another perspective to consider. I guess, in this case, I am going to err on the side of saying something. I just feel like I need to speak up because to remain silent feels irresponsible.

Firstly, some of what I was thinking about responsible academic supervision and academia in general has already been addressed very eloquently by Mel. I don't feel like I need to say anything more about this... Just read Mel's 2nd post.

The second issue I wanted to address as to do with the purpose of art. Mel already made some wonderful statements about an artist's responsibility to consider the intent of a piece and the prediction of possible reactions to the piece by others (again, see Mel's second entry on the subject). However, I feel the need to add some comments:

"The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body."

I can't help but wonder about the elephant in the room. This project, in my opinion, did not make a statement about the human body. The most obvious statement made by this piece has to do with the meaning of life. I don't mean just the meaning of a new human life, but also the meaning/purpose of motherhood and reproduction as well. I find the piece insulting and disrespectful on so many levels. First and foremost, in my humble opinion, Shvarts completely dismisses the value of a human life in it's very beginning and most vulnerable state. (I know that many people outright disagree with me on this point, or at least feel ambivalent about this. However, I am Catholic and this is my blog and I feel very strongly about this.) Not only does Shvarts completely dismiss even the possibility that life begins at the moment of conception, but her actions blatantly ridicule that life and those who value that life.

On the flip side, I also think that her piece shows a complete disregard for the genuine anguish that people who have experienced miscarriage and infertility have experienced. Shvarts has trivialized the experience of miscarriage. And, she has also trivialized the anguish that many women who choose to have an abortion have gone through. Her piece has not even taken into consideration the very real and lasting emotions that go along with the REAL EXPERIENCE of miscarriage and abortion. I realize that she is young and naive and has probably never experienced these things first hand. (Although, I do think there is a slim possibility that she has experienced either m/c or abortion and this piece is an attempt to minimize the importance of the experience in her life. However, that seems to warrant another different discussion.) I do think, though, that even if a person has never experienced a particular type of suffering, a responsible artist would, at the very least, attempt to do some research and try to empathize with those who have experienced that suffering. If that can't happen, then I would hope that basic common sense and common courtesy would tell her that her project idea was disrespectful and irresponsible and that she should come up with another way to bring about discussion on "the relationship between art and the human body." Off the top of my head I can think of several different ways to spur that discussion... A discussion that she has completely failed at spurring, I might add.

I do take comfort in the fact that both pro-life and pro-choice groups have been upset by this project and have made statements against it. I'm encouraged to know that it is possible for pro-lifers and pro-choicers can come together (at least for certain topics). Maybe there is hope for our nation to come together in some way on life issues.

OK. I think that is all the energy I care to devote to this topic.

"Us" vs "Them"??

2008-04-16T04:41:00.003-05:00

Have you ever had an experience where you start to realize that some people you work with have the attitude of "Us" vs "Them" rather than "We" work as a team? I don't really want to go into details, but I think I may have had a wake-up call yesterday. I am a supervisor and I always thought that my team and I got along pretty well and that we worked as a team. Yesterday I found out that one of my team members has not been communicating with me about something about our working environment. She did, however, talk with my boss about it... I found out when my boss (the pastor) came to talk with me. I don't think she started the conversation with my boss, but she still should have talked to me about it a long time ago rather than just stewing in hard feelings!

I find this kind of situation very frustrating! I can't make people talk to me. However, when we are supposed to be working as a team we need good communication! This team member has very strong opinions (that don't always match mine) so I have struggled for a while with figuring out if she's stewing about a difference of opinion I already know about or if it's something else. I never thought, though, that she would go over my head without talking to me! Uuggh.

How would you handle a situation like this? I have told my team so many times that if they have a concern they should talk to me about it. When they do come talk to me I try to be a good listener and address any issues that are problematic for them. Most of the time we are able to resolve any issues in a way that everyone is satisfied. What else can I do? Are there any other supervisors out there? How do you encourage your staff to communicate with you about things, even if they disagree with what you are doing/thinking (or what they think you are doing/thinking)?

Currently I have monthly staff meetings and I try to check in with the staff individually in a casual way. We have an annual review system in place, but I haven't been meeting formally with my staff individually outside of those annual reviews. Maybe I need to start meeting with each person regularly in a more formal setting?? I haven't done this because 3 out of the 5 members of my team really dislike coming in for their annual review. I thought the formality of the meetings was what made them stressed about their annuals. However, maybe a more formal setting will help bring up more issues?? I don't know. Any suggestions you have would be welcome!

I am also trying to think of someone in RL I know who is a good supervisor who can give me advice. It's hard, though, because most of the supervisory examples I can think of have their own glaring weaknesses. I know nobody is perfect, but I would like to be thought of as a good supervisor... Should I come up with some kind of eval that my staff can fill out on me? We talk about their evals every year and work on their strengths and weaknesses... My boss does my eval, but he doesn't really see me in action very often. Maybe I need to get more personal feedback from my staff?? I think a supervisor eval would be unprecedented at my church...

OK. I think I am just rambling at this point. If you have any suggestions for me, please share! In the meantime I might try to go back to sleep for a while. I only got 4 hours before a "bathroom break" got extended by my overactive brain... Thanks in advance for your help!

14w1d

2008-04-12T22:20:00.003-05:00

Short Update: I'm still exhausted from work and lack of sleep. OB apt yesterday went well. Without a doubt I am definitely in the 2nd trimester! No sono, but hb=156, which is still strong. Refused the pap smear (I've never had one come back abnormal, I'm not sleeping around, and I didn't feel like getting my cervix scraped!) and the nurse humored me. Worked my 3rd Saturday in a row (normally my day off), only 3 more to go before I get a break! Hubby's job is still going well (which is good since he's only worked 2 days!).

Hung out with some friends yesterday and they hooked me up with some maternity clothes. A BIG thank you to them! My stomach is definitely starting to expand and I can't zip up some of my pants anymore. It's nice to have some clothing options again. I highly recommend the belly band! You still get to wear your favorite "skinny" clothes and it provides a little support for your heavy tummy.

OK. I think that is enough incomplete sentences for 1 post... I'll try to write a better post after I am able to catch some ZZZZs.

Cardiologist Update

2008-04-10T22:11:00.003-05:00

I know I am behind on updating about my results from the cardiologist. I have been very busy (which, I suppose, is normal) and very tired (unfortunately, this has also become normal). I decided to give you the short story now, and maybe elaborate later.

Short Story: All of the tests showed that my heart is normal and working well with one small exception. I do have one valve that leaks a little. The doc said that is pretty common during pg. He told me I shouldn't need to worry unless I start to get a lot of palpitation episodes that lower my blood pressure to the point of feeling dizzy or passing out. So, that's pretty good news. And, apparently, the nodules were on long enough, and close enough to the correct position, to be able to detect my heart well enough to satisfy the doctor.

I have my 14w check up tomorrow, so I should have some more updates after that.

Hubby started his new job today and had a great first day. It was nice to see him happy and even excited about his job! Praise God!

Trusting My Body

2008-04-05T17:02:00.003-05:00

** P-word mentioned** This post is about coming to terms with my identity and IF and pg and dealing with my losses.

I think I realized one of the reasons I have had a hard time accepting this pg... Why is still feel anxious at the thought of telling my co-workers and people from church. I don't trust that my body is capable of nurturing a pg. After everything we went through with IF, I learned to distrust my body and it's "motherly" qualities. Now, even though everything is pointing to the fact that my body seems to be successfully carrying this pg, my identity is still "that IF girl." I'm not really sure what to do about that. I do think that, if I am able to let go of my other 2 losses (not forget! just not hold them so closely to my heart), that might help me.

Currently, I think I am holding on to those losses, but ignoring (burying?) my feelings of loss. A couple weeks ago my parents suggested I talk to the baby. I finally did the other day. I told the baby to just concentrate on holding on and growing and that the only reason to stop growing was if God asked him/her to go to heaven. If that were the case, at least he/she would have a brother and sister there to hang out with (we named our babies Lucy and Christopher because a priest told us we should name them and then give them over to God... we did the first part, but have yet to do the second...). At this point I started crying. It would have been sobbing, but I was driving and I didn't want to crash. Obviously I need to work on the letting go part...

Besides letting go of my losses, I'm not sure what I can do to trust my body more. I kind of feel like this pg is a fluke. And, frankly, I'm not sure I should start to trust my body. I don't want to get side-swiped again. I don't know if my realization will change anything about my experience other than to help me understand a little better. However, understanding is good.

Friday Flickr Foto Fun

2008-04-04T18:28:00.016-05:00

A couple people have done this today and I thought it was cute. You can join too, if you want. Just pick your pictures from Flickr. =)

My name is...

My relationship status is...

My favorite color is...

My celebrity crush is...

My favorite princess is...

My favorite adult beverage is...

My dream vacation is...

When I grow up I want to be...

Have a great weekend!

What is 27 x 6?

2008-04-04T15:16:00.005-05:00

** P-word post warning **

Answer = 162

That is my baby's heartbeat. How do I know this? My doppler arrived about 20 minutes ago! It took me about 10 minutes to open everything up, read all the instructions, and get myself situated. Then, of course, it was time to listen to my baby!!! According to the instructions, the key is to apply a "liberal" amount of the gel and then to move the wand slowly so as not to miss the baby's heartbeat. I have to admit, it was a very exciting moment! I have been having all kinds of paranoid fears that something is wrong with the baby, that I had a missed m/c or some other horrible turn of events. It was very reassuring to hear that heartbeat! It took me a couple minutes to find it because I didn't have the wand pointed in the right way at first. My fat roll got in the way and I had to position the wand under the roll, but above my pelvic bone. But, once I figured out where to position the wand, I was golden.

I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty excited right now. I'm on a natural high! =) I'm also feeling a lot calmer about my situation. According to 16 of the 22 people who took my poll, I am in my 2nd trimester. 4 more of you think I will be in the 2nd trimester tomorrow. It feels good to hit this milestone (especially when I am able to hear that beautiful heartbeat).

I guess it's time to start making some concrete decisions and plans for the baby to come. My mom has been researching diapering options already. Once hubby starts his job I think we need to start making changes to the room that will become the baby's room. We have to clear everything out and figure out a way to fit it into the office or get rid of it. I am looking forward to tackling the last of the clutter in our house. We haven't completely unpacked from moving in June! It's time to get rid of those boxes and that clutter. I'm feeling very motivated to accomplish things at this moment. I just wish I wasn't so dang tired! I think I'm going to have to go take a nap before I can start going through things and cleaning for the weekend.

162! Yeah!

Learning About My Heart

2008-04-04T11:05:00.007-05:00

This post is not about feelings. I just wanted to share what I've learned while trying to find out why I'm having palpitations.

1. When you're getting an echo-cardiagram and you "jokingly" say to the nurse, "Do you want to see a baby?" she will not take you up on your offer... even if you bring it up twice...

2. My ob's office is not the only doc's office to hire inept support staff.

3. You should be worried when you are getting blood drawn and tell the nurse that you have hard-to-find veins so it works better to use a butterfly and she looks in all the drawers and says she's not sure they have a butterfly needle... (Does she know what a butterfly needle is?)

4. If you are adamant with the aforementioned nurse she will eventually go find a more experienced nurse who will come in and open the drawer the aforementioned nurse "searched" and pull out a butterfly needle asap. The experienced nurse will also take pity on you and take your blood herself, but still have trouble finding a vein.

5. If the doc's office is older with 70s decor, then the machines in the office are probably not state of the art.

6. If you know you have to be monitored for 24 hours to see if the doc can "catch" one of your episodes, make sure to take a shower that morning because you aren't getting wet for 24 hours.

7. When they prepare your chest to attach the nodules that detect your heart rhythms, they will "sterilize" your skin with a piece of velcro dipped in alcohol.

8. The aforementioned nodules ITCH LIKE CRAZY for the entire 24 hours.

9. The machine that is attached to the nodules via a series of wires and is supposed do "clip" to your belt will not stay in place.

10. When the aforementioned machine that "attaches to your belt" slips off, it sometimes will fall hard enough to detach one of the aforementioned nodules from your chest. And, when you try to reattach the nodule it does not stick as well.

11. Murphy has a great sense of humor. If your palpitations seem to be stress related, and you're worried about money, your husband will be offered a wonderful job 30 minutes after the nodules have been attached and the machine has been turned on.

12. The aforementioned machine is very annoying when you are trying to sleep because it "clips" very poorly to pajama bottoms.

13. If you have big bbies and can't sleep on your back due to being pg, your big bbies will dislodge the aforementioned nodules, which you will have to reattach during your bathroom breaks.

14. The aforementioned itching is the gift that keeps on giving, even after you are finally able to permanently detach the aforementioned nodules.

15. The aforementioned nodules also leave another gift:

Needless to say, I am glad that this particular test is over... I just hope that I won't have to repeat it because the nodules kept coming off... I see the doc again next Tuesday for results. However, I am very happy about hubby's new job. Because of all our money worries, hubby decided to try and get back into computers. At his first phone interview for a computer job they liked him so much they offered him the job without an in-person interview. Go hubby!! =) I am especially happy because hubby's self-esteem took a pretty big hit the last time he did a major job search and had difficulty. He was really worried that he wouldn't ever be offered a computer job because his skills are a little rusty (he's been out of the field for a couple years). Hopefully this job will be good for his self-esteem as well as our checkbook. It is nice to feel like we don't have to worry about how we are going to pay for this baby...

General Anxiety

2008-03-31T14:36:00.004-05:00

Has anyone ever had this feeling? I'm sure it's pretty common in a stressful life. I feel anxious. There really isn't a specific reason (at least not one that I am conscious of). It's just a more general feeling right now. My husband is feeling stressed and overloaded with everything he has to do for work, school, and our yard (I can only help minimally with the yard) so I'm sure his stress is rubbing off on me a little. However, I think it's more than that.

Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.

I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.

But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.

I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...

I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.

Cardiologist Appt Updated

2008-03-30T19:56:00.005-05:00

Monday 10am is my appointment with the cardiologist. Any prayers or good vibes you want to send my way would be appreciated. I haven't had as many episodes (in fact, almost none) since I brought it up with my obgyn, so hopefully it's not anything serious. I'm a little nervous about what the doc might tell me, but I'm trying to optimistic.

Thanks

-------------------------

Well, there's not much to report right now. EKG looked normal, but I expected that. I only get the episodes periodically. They took some blood and I talked to the doc, but they're going to do some more tests. I go back on Thursday for an echo cardiogram and the doc wants me to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours (but he didn't give it to me today). So, maybe I'll know more Thursday, and maybe I won't.

Thanks for the prayers. I'll keep you posted.

Blogger Issues

2008-03-27T13:04:00.003-05:00

Does anyone know why I am able to edit my blog layout from my work computer but am not given the option on my home computer? I'm wondering if my settings at home are off. When I click on the "layout" tab at home the page doesn't load fully and I am not given the "Add a Page Element" option. And, I can't even see everything that is currently on my blog because the entire page doesn't load. I only see the top half of the page.

If anyone has an idea of how to help me with this situation, that would be great! I really shouldn't be working on this blog at work...

Thanks!

RLB?

2008-03-27T00:51:00.000-05:00

**p word warning: this post is mostly about my feelings during this pg**

I have been having trouble understanding the reality of how my life will change when this baby gets here. I think I have basically accepted that I am pg and that it is going to stick. I don't spend very much time freaking out or worrying anymore. And, I'm not completely petrified to tell people anymore. I am still waiting for the 2nd trimester, but it's a more a "just in case" reason rather than being scared out of my mind I will m/c at any moment.

The problem is, though, that I can't fully imagine how our life will change. I am so used to it being just the 2 of us. I can picture us holding a baby. I have ideas about how we will approach raising the baby. I just can't imagine the day in, day out reality of how my life will be completely different. I won't ever have to give this baby back to anyone. Which also means I won't be getting any sleep when the baby is sick, and I am responsible for changing all the diapers and cleaning up all the messes. Ironically, I have such a hard time imagining the reality of my situation that I still feel like I relate most to the blogs of ladies who are still ttc. I know that's kind of weird, but that't how I feel. Maybe I haven't accepted this pg as much as I thought I had...

This Easter mass I sat between 2 of my BIL's 4 kids and I loved it. I got a taste of what it will be like to be a mom teaching my kids about the mass. It was wonderful. I even appreciated the distractions. Whenever one of the girls was distracted, I took the opportunity to refocus her to what was happening in the mass (or, if it was a down time I prepped her for what was coming up).

So, I can sort of imagine all this stuff, but it doesn't really feel like it's happening to me. I don't really feel pg... Sure, I'm tired a lot and I get weird reactions to food sometimes, but I haven't gained any weight and all I have are a few pictures that could come from anyone's belly. I'm not complaining. I am thankful for the easy 1st tri. I just wish this experience felt more real to me. It doesn't feel like it's really happening to me. It all still feels surreal. I am thinking about renting a doppler so I can keep track of my baby's hb (and get reassurance that the pg is on track still). The one major fear I do have is that this pg will go to pot late in the 3rd tri and it will be the most heartbreaking pg ever.

------------------------------

In other news, this is my 100th post. I am actually kind of happy that my 100th post could be about a pg that has made it to 11w5d. I am almost to the breath-a-sigh-of-relief stage. Also, March 24th was my blogaversary. I guess Easter week has been a big week for me.

BTW, when exactly does the 3rd tri start? I have tried to look it up and it seems like everyone gives a different answer. If blogger will let me, I think I will post a poll.

Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. Maybe in my next post I will share a little more about my trip last weekend and my experience at Easter mass (that had nothing to do with the kiddos who were sitting next to me).

Happy Easter

2008-03-21T09:10:00.003-05:00

I just wanted to give a quick shout out to everyone in blogland. We are going to visit family for Easter and won't be back until Tuesday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my neices (my BIL has 2 sets of twin girls). I am posting a picture for your viewing pleasure of one of the younger ones at 1-&-a-half. They are 3-&-a-half now. This is one of my favorite all-time pictures. =)

Happy Saint Paddy's Day!

2008-03-17T09:22:00.008-05:00

I just had to to acknowledge this wonderful Irish holiday (even though, in the Church calendar this year it was preempted). My family heritage is Irish and I have been to Ireland a couple times. (It was AWESOME! You should Go! They are the nicest people I have ever met.) My family even has a leprechaun who lives with us sometimes and makes a lot of mischief. The good part about having a leprechaun as a kid was I could blame things on him when I did something wrong. I'm not sure how much my parents bought my explanations, but I tried... =)

**p word warning**

In health update news, I had my 10 week check up on Friday. The good news is that my doc offered to let me have an u/s if I wanted (as if I would EVER turn that down!). So, the baby is measuring exactly on target... 10w on Friday, 3.3cm long and 179 hb. It was very reassuring to see how baby was doing. My bbies have also decided to reassure me that things are on track by becoming bigger melons than normal (I have never been small... I started wearing a bra in 4th grade and I think it was a size B already...) and being tender all over. So far I have only gained 1 pound total (after I gained back the 5 pounds I lost from being sick). Hopefully I can keep the weight gain in check. I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I am also tired all the time. BUT, I'm not complaining, especially if I get to take a baby home at the end of all this.

There was one piece of news that was a little worrisome. I have been experiencing some weird things with my heart. It will sometimes race randomly and sometimes it will skip a beat. I have always had episodes like this, but they were always pretty far apart (once a month at most). Lately they have been coming 4-5 times a week, at least. So I am supposed to see a cardiologist. My doc said there is a pretty common heart valve problem that is exacerbated by pg. I'm hoping that whatever is going on is simple to fix and won't cause a big problem. However, I would appreciate some prayers. I'm let you know when I have an appt with the cardiologist.

Just got off the phone. My appt is Monday, March 31st. That was the first available, so I'll just have to be patient...

Giant Leap in Faith UPDATED

2008-03-10T22:44:00.007-05:00

** P word mentioned ** (skip top part if you want)

Well, I decided to put up a ticker today. I have been trying to muster up the courage for a while now. I have to admit, I still feel some anxiety about putting up the ticker, especially before the 2nd trimester. I am trying to trust with an act of my will... However, I am still holding on to some caution. Recently a couple of my friends have announced that they are pg (one is newly pg, and one is due at the end of Sept.). I considered jumping on the bandwagon and telling everyone my news too. I even started writing up the announcement. But, then I got freaked out and deleted it before posting it. I just don't think I'm ready. I did tell 1 friend on Sunday, which didn't freak me out too much. But, she was the friend that came to take care of me during my first m/c, so she feels like a "safe" friend.

In other news, I am finally getting some pg symptoms. Well, my bbies are sore again (after 3 weeks of NO symptoms except for fatigue). I'm kind of grateful for the change. It's reassuring that things are happening in there. I also think I'm getting some RLP periodically. It doesn't last too long when it hits so it is manageable. I am also back to the weight I was right before I got sick. I gained the weight when I decided to have an ice cream milkshake the other day... I guess I shouldn't eat too many of those...

Pregnancy talk over.
----------------------

I'm sorry if this post seems kind of down. I'm feeling kind of blah and I'm not sure if it came across or not. I had another frustrating experience with the same co-worker I've been struggling with lately. It wasn't anything as big as my last post about her, but she did drop the ball and then try to pass the buck and feign ignorance. I hate that. It really frustrates me!

Ok, rant over. It just basically comes down to I have a hard time with this woman in general. I really need to work on this. At this point I am so biased against her that I just don't like her. And, if I'm honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to like her. Please pray for me in this situation. It just makes my work situation uncomfortable. I want to want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I don't think she's vicious or intentionally mean or incompetent. I just think she doesn't have good communication skills and doesn't always take responsibility for her screw ups. She comes across as thoughtless, but I don't think it is intentional (at least I hope not). I don't think she's a bad person. I should be able to like her... or at least not dislike her. I can love her in a general Christian love for humanity way, right? I just need a little help getting there...

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UPDATE

Kathy, Thanks for the good advice. I think God is trying to tell me something because when I woke up this morning I had a similar thought and had decided to do basically what you suggested. I am a little slow on the uptake though... Yesterday I heard a talk about the power of reconciliatory prayer and the importance of praying for people who you have a hard time with. Unfortunately, I didn't think of this coworker right away. I'm actually embarassed that it took me until this morning to decide to pray for reconciliation with her... But I eventually "got it" and have already started praying. I am supposed to pray until I receive a physical sign that I can stop. So, I don't know how long I will be saying this prayer. I am really looking forward to the day when the tension is gone and I can honestly appreciate her for the person God created her to be (see, I 'm already starting the postitive thinking...).

If anyone is interested in knowing the reconciliation prayer, I will be happy to email it to you. I have heard some miraculous stories about God's work through this prayer. I'm really looking forward to experiencing God's power to do what it is impossible for me to do myself! Another side effect of praying this prayer is that I am feeling more grateful and hopeful in general. For the first time in a long time I find myself spontaneously saying "God is good!!!!!" =)

Natalie needs your support

2008-03-08T19:13:00.003-06:00

Please go give Natalie and Den your support. They just lost their baby at 36 weeks, unexpectedly (and unexplained at this point). It really is a parent's worst nightmare! I can't imagine the pain. My heart is breaking for them.

9 weeks

2008-03-07T20:38:00.007-06:00

Hey everyone. Thank you for all the comments to my last entry. Also, thanks to kcmarie122 for the shout out! Sorry for the silence this week. We got home Sunday night at 11pm and then my SIL showed up at 1am with her 3 year old son. We didn't know she was coming until Saturday, so we had to get the guest room ready when we got home Sunday night. They didn't leave until today so I've been a little busy... I've also been really tired this week. I actually had to take a short nap in my car in the middle of the day 2 times this week because I couldn't keep my eyes open (literally) any longer.

As for a health update, the spotting did turn red, but it finally stopped on Monday. I think it was due to a yeast infection. I did a Mon.istat 3 day treatment last weekend which seemed to help with the symptoms (except the spotting) immediately. Unfortunately, on the 4th day the symptoms all came back again. I am taking aci.dopholus and eating yogurt. I have my 10 week apt next Friday so I will ask the doc about it then. I am hesitant to use Mon.istat again so soon. I don't want to expose baby to too many drugs.... I am very happy to be pg, and to have gotten this far, but I kind of wish I had been able to complete my cand.ida cleanse before getting pg. I am worried that I am going to be fighting this yeast infection for at least a year (assuming I am able to breast feed). I'm not complaining though! If that's my trade off, I will take it! I will just be itchy for a year in the mean time...

In other news, according to some websites my baby is now a fetus (9 weeks). Some other websites don't name my baby a fetus for another week. I think I will consider myself graduated to the fetus mommy stage. It feels better to have another milestone under my belt. This week I started to feel more confident in this pg. I think getting past the 8w mark was important for me. I know it's still not a sure thing. I am still looking forward to the 2nd trimester. However, I do feel much calmer, especially since the spotting stopped.

Well, that's my update for now. I hope everyone is doing well.

A Little Freaked Out UPDATED

2008-02-27T21:43:00.003-06:00

I am a little freaked out right now. I have had some brown spotting most of the day and this evening I am having some cramping. The cramps aren't too bad, but they don't go away when I sit still under a blanket like my other cramps have done. I am supposed to leave for my conference tomorrow. If my doc gets me in ASAP first thing in the morning I may have time to visit doc before I leave, but it will be really tight. I would like the reassurance of an ultra sound though... I guess I should just wait and see what happens during the night.

This sucks.

--------------------

Well, I did manage to get to the doc this morning before I left and they did an ultrasound. The baby still looks good. It measured at 7w6d with a hb of 167. So, that is good! I think I have a yeast infection, but the doc said my cervix looks good. I don't know why I have the bleeding. I still get brown every time I wipe, but I am trying not to freak out about it... I think my baby is alive and that is all that matters.

OK, I'm at my in-laws atm. Thanks for all the prayers!

What is this Feeling?

2008-02-26T10:32:00.009-06:00

**P-Word mentioned**
-This post is mostly about how IF is affecting my view of this pg. Skip if you need to.

I have been experiencing an odd feeling lately. This weekend we decided to tell our parents about the pg.--mostly because DH was just so excited to share he couldn't hold back with his mom. I decided that if he told his mom I should tell my parents too (so they wouldn't feel like they were second class grandparents). Both sets of parents are aware of the problems in the past so both of them responded with cautious optimism. They all also know that we aren't telling the world at large until the 2nd trimester. Then, I think hubby was on a high so he told some friends on this online role-playing game we play (I wasn't going to mention anything to them until the 2nd trimester and he didn't talk to me first...). At least these friends don't know other people we know in real life... And, since we told parents, I felt like I should tell my sister (the only sibling I have). She actually had a great reaction and cried out of joy. She is also cautiously optimistic (knowing our background).

Now comes the part where I am conflicted. This weekend we are traveling to hubby's home town. I have a conference and hubby decided to come so he could see family and old friends. He hasn't been home for a year and a half and he is very excited. He wants to tell everyone on his side while we are there. I will be 8 weeks at that point. This is where I start to get nervous. I feel weird coming out of the IF closet. It feels weird to tell people about a bfp when they don't understand everything that lead up to this for us. Infertility Just Sucks recently posted about the struggle with telling people about a pg who don't understand the IF struggle. I really resonated with her urge to accompany the news with a clarification...

"It was really hard to get here. It took a long time and lot of faith, hope and money. I feel the need to offer a reason for why I'm just now pregnant. Part of me wants to raise awareness and another part just wants to let that painful chapter of my life close and be done with."

I, too, feel the need to temper the news with a, "Wait! Don't throw a party yet. I don't want you to jinx anything. It's not a sure thing that I will get a baby out of this deal." I also feel the need to bring up the specifics of what we have been through to get here. I want to say something like, "Well, it took 21 months, 2 m/c's, 1 surgery, months of acupuncture, and countless tests and pills, but we seem to finally have produced a viable pg." Unfortunately, I don't think this urge comes from the altruistic place of wanting to raise awareness of IF in general. I have the urge to say all that because I think, in some sick and twisted way, I want 'credit' (whatever that means) for all that we have been through to get to this point. At least, I think that is about half the reason for the comments.

The other reason is that I don't think I have truly made the mental leap from barren woman to pregnant lady. In a way I just feel like I'm walking around playing the part of a pregnant woman, but it's not real. It's like I'm an actor who is going to go home at the end of the day and go back to being my real self: the barren woman. If I temper pg news with all the IF baggage then I am 'keeping it real.' If I say all that stuff then I am not pretending. I can't experience this pg like some naive fertile woman, so why should anyone else be able to either?

My extended family and friends are not going to hear anything until the 2nd trimester. The only tricky thing about this weekend is that the co-workers who are also attending the conference with me CANNOT find out yet! My co-workers aren't invited to the family dinner Saturday, (where husband plans to make the announcement) and the in-laws know not to spill the beans when they bring us to and from the airport, so hopefully it will be ok. I don't think I could handle word getting out at work and then end up m/cing and have to tell everyone there won't be a baby after all... Frankly, that sounds like hell on earth.

So, how do I handle this weekend's announcement? Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn't say anything at all. But, hubby is so excited to be able to share this with his best friends I don't want to take that away from him. I guess I just gave myself my answer, didn't I? I should let hubby take the lead on the announcement. It is his family and friends. This particular announcement is more for him anyway, so he should be able to make it however he wants.

So, there you have it. Now that I have put these thoughts down in black and white I feel kind of weird about it. I know feelings are neither bad or good, but I feel kind of ashamed of some of the things I am feeling about this pg. Like I'm already a bad mother for not feeling like a mother yet and wanting credit for all the suffering I've been through... I swear, I will not be one of those mothers who constantly reminds their child how many hours she was in labor with them! Nor will I hold my IF struggles over my child's head! Gosh, my kid's not even here yet and I'm already feeling guilty about being a bad mom... Uugghh.

Oh, in other news... I have lost 4 pounds in the last week because of being sick. That puts me down at least 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm both ecstatic about this and a little worried. I've heard that a baby will take the nutrients it needs from the mom, so I'm just trying to focus on the positive...

Contacting Me

2008-02-25T18:34:00.003-06:00

Someone recently asked me if I had an e-mail address associated with this blog. Yes I do! I set up an e-mail address specifically for my IF blogging needs. You can find my contact info under the "About Me" section. Just click on "View My Complete Profile" and then there is a link to my e-mail address.

Fessin Up

2008-02-21T19:07:00.000-06:00

** P-Word Mentioned **

First, I'm sorry I am posting yet another post about the P-Word. I am very obsessed lately and find it difficult to think about much else. I'm not really sure if it's appropriate for me to apologize, but I am very conscious of how painful it is for other IFers to read about the P-Word when they are still struggling. For that, I really am sorry. I wish I could ease the pain for everyone.

Well, I guess the big question on my mind is, "When should I fess up and tell people I'm pg?" ATM only a few people know: 1 friend, my spiritual director, my supervisor (an IF sister), and the person who will fill in for me while I'm on maternity leave. Hubby has only told 1 friend. We had originally said that we would tell our parents after the u/s. I am still feeling hesitant and wanting to keep quiet. I know the doc said that the baby was on track and I shouldn't worry. However, I still can't get it out of my head that the baby was measuring 5 days smaller than I expected. I think I might try to talk to my doc on the phone tomorrow to get some reassurance from him. Supposedly, I will be 7w tomorrow... However, my baby is only measuring (apparently) 6w2d tomorrow (assuming baby grew the correct amount over the last 2 days). I would be feeling a lot more confident if the baby had measured within a day of 6w5d or had measured ahead of schedule. I don't want to tell everyone just to have to turn around and tell them I m/c'd again. Hubby wants to tell his parents and friends when we go to visit next weekend. I supposedly will be 8w (or, 7w2d?) at that point. My instinct says not to tell anyone until the 2nd trimester. For sure I don't plan on telling anyone else at church/work until the second trimester. However, what do I do about family and friends? I know hubby's step dad wants to take us out to sushi and he knows I love sushi. How do I get out of that one??

So, those are the questions rolling around in my head. Please feel free to weigh in with comments!! I think I might try to put up a poll too, if I can figure out how... Thanks for the advice.

P.S. Spellcheck is working again! Yeah!

P.P.S. Grrrrr... Blogger template layout isn't working properly and it won't let me add a new element. =( I will try to add the poll again later.

How "Old"? --UPDATED--

2008-02-19T22:53:00.001-06:00

**Pregnancy Post Warning**

So, I figured out to day that I may be farther along in this pregnancy than I thought. I ovulated early this cycle (on cd11). If I date the pregnancy from my menstral period, it puts me at 6w4d. If I date the pregnancy from my date of ovulation it puts me at 7w4d! I have to say, I like the sound of that second number better... It means that I am 1 week closer to the risk of m/c plummeting. At this point I am kind of confused about how to date this pg. I guess I will have a better idea after my u/s on Friday. I am even more anxious for the u/s now than I was before!

I am also concerned that I won't be able to go. Poor hubby came down with the flu and has had a high fever the last 2 days. The doc gave him tamaflu and a cough syrup with codine and I have been giving him fever reducing meds (ibuprophen and tylenol). I am just kind of waiting for the flu to hit me now. Unfortunately, I can't take all the good drugs he's taking because it's too much of a risk for the baby. I would be limited to Tylenol... It's also kind of sucky timing... I am supposed to go out of town next weekend... =( Hopefully I can avoid the flu all together, but I'm not holding my breath. If I am sick I won't go to the doc's office for the u/s where there are other preggos and babies that are vulnerable.

Anyway, I am kind of excited about the possibility of being further along than I thought. It would be like I jumped ahead in time a week! Friday will be very telling...

Oh, as far as symptoms... I still don't have any morning sickness (did I just tempt fate or what?). My bbies are kind of tender, but not as much in the nipple area as in the surrounding tissue... It's also really fiberous. I'm not sure if that's normal, but I am just assuming that it is. I also have some cramping in my abdomen. There hasn't been any blood and the cramps aren't too severe, so I'm not freaking out too much. Every once in a while I get a sharp pain, but it's over quickly and THERE'S NO BLOOD. That's the important part! (And I don't let myself go to the idea that I could have a missed m/c...)

The other worry is that I have continued to take Flax Seed Oil (per my doctor's recommendation) and tonight I just saw on a site that it may be linked to m/c... I'm not going to take it anymore!

And, as long as I'm updating... I haven't lost anymore weight. I've basically been holding steady for the last couple weeks. I'm ok with this. I figure it's not good for the baby for me to loose more weight right now. I am just trying to eat a balanced diet and avoid a whole new list of foods...

Well, I think I'm going to go to bed to try and get enough sleep to ward off the stupid flu.

Thanks for listening to my random pg worry post...

------------------
UPDATE: Apparently, I am not good at remember the context of numbers... I remembered the number 11, but forgot that I ovulated on CD11, not Jan 11. CD 11 was actually Jan 14. So, it would still put me a little further along, but only a few days. So, as of Feb. 20, 2008 I should either be 6w5d pregnant or 7w2d pregnant. I still like the second option better.

Oh, and this morning I woke up with congestion in my chest and my cough has gotten worse. I think the flu is settling in... =( I hope I don't have to miss any more days of work. I only have 5 vacation days left and I was hoping I could roll them over to next year (we can roll over up to 5 days) so I could tack them onto maternity leave. I know it won't be the end of the world if I have to use them, but it would have been nice. I get 6wks maternity leave and next year (my "year" starts in May) I will get 3 wks vacation. I was planning on tacking on some vacation to the maternity leave, but keeping 1 week just in case I need it for illness or something else. If I have to use up the rest of my sick time now that would give me 8 weeks to be home with the baby before going back to work. I guess we'll just have to see what happens.

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2ND UPDATE

I called the doc this morning with my flu concerns and they said I should come in to see the doc today. So, they rescheduled my u/s for today too. Unfortunately, hubby was too sick to come with me. =( I brought a DVD to record the u/s, but the recorder machine wouldn't accept my disk. =( =( Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures I can post because we don't have a scanner and I only have still hardcopy pictures. I did call hubby when I saw the heartbeat. That was an exciting moment. They said the baby measured at 6w exactly (.47 cm). I was a little worried about this but the doc (not mine, but another one in the practice) said it was within the 7 day range that is considered acceptable. He said he wanted to keep the dating from the first day of my period at 6w5d. I am trying not to worry about it. I did implant late (around 10dpo) so maybe I did start off later. The HB was 134 the first time she measured and 136 the second time. They said that was good. Again, I'm just trying to trust and relax... I have another apt in 4 weeks (I will be 10wks at that point). We may be able to hear the heartbeat at that apt but it's not for sure because the pelvic bone could be in the way. I do have a tipped uterus so I'm not really counting on it. Anyway, that is the update. I'm trying to just focus on the positive (strong heartbeat!) and not worry. I am intentionally using my will to trust the Lord. Everything will be OK. Everything will be OK. Everything will be OK!

OH, and as for the flu. I did start to get a fever (100 degrees at the doc). He told me to take Robitussin DM, Sudafed, Tylenol, and Vitamin C. I also picked up some grapefruit seed extract. The doc said it would be ok and I haven't seen anything that would indicate it could be harmful. Since I can't take the flu medication I am hoping this will help me get over things more quickly than my poor hubby (who is still home and miserable in bed).

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3rd UPDATE (and final for this post)
I just talked to my doc on the phone. He reassured me that Oct 10th will be my due date from here on out. He said the machine has a margin of error of 5 days, so there is nothing for me to worry about. I think they might have an older machine because he said that at 30 weeks pg the machine can be off by up to 3 weeks. So, I am feeling better about the u/s. I think I just needed to hear reassurance from the doc I trust. Not that I don't trust his partner, but it's different when my doc tells me. My doc explains things better, in more detail, and in a way that makes sense to me. I really like him (which is why I put up with his stupid staff). I guess that makes me officially 7w today! Yeah! =) After I hung up the phone with him I could actually feel myself physically relax. Whew!

Baby Shower Decision

2008-02-18T10:38:00.000-06:00

Well, I went to the baby shower yesterday. It went pretty well. I didn't have any hidden emotions well up, so that was good. My biggest struggle was not saying anything when they were talking about pg symptoms and planning (it's too early and I didn't want to steal the spotlight). The only tension was in the beginning with one of the preggos, but then it was ok. In fact, she volunteered to help me with a scrapbooking project for our next get together. That really surprised me.

Why the tension, you might ask? Well, at our Christmas gathering this girl talked about her pg the whole time and even told another girl who all the preggos were, excluding me of course, where I could hear. Then later she and her hubby were talking to the newly engaged girl and warned her about being careful about NFP on their honeymoon or they would end up pg... right in front of me. This girl was one of the ones who announced her pg in Sept right before I m/c'd so she knew what happened with me. I didn't say anything to her at the party, but I did go to the bathroom and cry twice. A couple weeks later I wrote her an email asking for her help. I explained to her how hard it has been for me and everything I had gone through and that it would really help me out if she would limit how much she talked about her pg in front of me. I didn't ask her to avoid the topic completely or anything. I wasn't mad at her either (although I thought she was kind of insensitive), I just wanted to avoid emotional breakdowns at future gatherings. She never emailed me back. The next news from her was that she wasn't coming to the New Years Eve party. I emailed her again that I never intended for her to avoid gatherings and that I hoped she would attend. She still didn't email me back. In the end, I didn't go to the New Years party, but for other reasons. The shower was the first time I saw her after all that.

Anyway, I hope things continue to go well with this pg so that I can be comfortable around my friends. They really are great ladies! There are just a lot of fertiles in the group. I am glad it went well. It was fun to see everyone and we made some funny onesies for the moms.

OK, I need to get ready for work... It's going to be another long week... =(

"Keyword Analysis"

2008-02-16T09:59:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else look at their statcounter to see how people find their blog? I like to look periodically. Every once in a while it is obvious that someone is trying to find porn and they find my blog instead. I can't imagine what their reaction is when they click on the link and find me talking about infertility and faith. LOL It's probably a bit of a shock... I am sharing today because the phrase that brought someone to my blog was just too funny!

"temptation sperm party"

What is that?!? It just makes me laugh!
What are some of the funny google search key words that bring people to your blog?

What's "Normal"?

2008-02-15T19:14:00.000-06:00

**post all about pregnancy-- skip if you want**

Last night I had some cramping. It was more intense than the little cramplets I've been having all along, but not as intense as the cramps from when I m/c'd. I haven't had any spotting. The cramps started on my drive home. When I got home I basically tried to stay as still as I could. When I was still and under a blanket the cramps would subside. I would describe the cramps as a throbbing (at times) and a crushing feeling (at the most intense). They were in various parts of my abdomen on both the R and L sides and mostly in the lower region. I called my doc's office this morning and talked to a nurse. She said that the cramps sounded fairly typical for a pg'y, even for this early. I also googled (because, of course I need to hear the same news from multiple sources) cramping in early pregnancy. Basically, as long as there is no blood and the cramps aren't too intense then it isn't anything to worry about. Apparently my body is already moving out of the way of the baby (even though the little one is only about 5-7mm at 6 weeks). Is it too early for round ligament pain?

So, I guess my question is: what kind of cramping is "normal" for you during pregnancy? At what point should I worry and rush to the doctor?

"Motherhood at Any Cost"

2008-02-15T13:37:00.001-06:00

Umm, yeah. I just watched the infamous Tyra episode about women who are desparate to have a baby. Wow. The only part of the first 3/4 of the show that I thought Tyra was respectful and appropriate was when she was talking with Trista and Ryan (from the Bachelorette). I felt like Tyra was basically exploiting the people and the situations on the show. The poor couple in the audience who have been trying for 5 years got completely cut off. Then, there was this poor pathetic girl (I think she said she was 22) who was engaged and trying to get pg by not always taking her b/c. Her fiance didn't want to have a baby for another 5 years. The fiance actually called the show because he thought Tyra would help him "talk some sense" into his fiance. Instead, Tyra ended up counseling the girl to leave her fiance and find someone who wants a baby soon. I felt sorry for the poor guy. He looked like he was hit by a bus.

The most frustrating part was that there was quite a bit of mis-information about IF issues. The best part of the show was when Tyra talked to Kim Hahn, and only because Kim Hahn kind of took over the conversation. Even Kim, though, kind of mis-lead the audience by saying that you ovulate 14 days before the end of your cycle. That's only true if your luteal phase is 14 days, which for many women it's not... Basically, I was pretty disappointed with the show. I don't normally watch Tyra, and after today I don't really plan on adding her to my "watch" list...

It All Comes Down to Trust

2008-02-14T09:55:00.000-06:00

**Pregnancy talk warning** (skip if you want)

I am 5w6d today. I think I am starting to become comfortable with the idea of being pg. Last week I had to go to Tar.get for a few things and I found myself walking through the baby section and starting to plan. I ran some names past hubby to see what he thought. I'm starting to day dream. This is getting dangerous... I've never gotten this far in a pg before. I do have a few symptoms (tender bbies, constipation, slight nausea sometimes, fatigue almost every day). The symptoms coupled with the great beta numbers are basically what I'm counting on... I don't see the doc until the 22nd. By that time I will be 7w exactly. As long as my symptoms keep up and I don't have any cramps or spotting, then everything is a-ok, right? I have to think that way. Otherwise... I can't think about what the "otherwise" means.

** Pregnancy talk over**

I think this time in my life has been an exercise in trusting God. One way of looking at the last 2 years (or, for my whole life really) is to see everything that has happened as a different invitation to trust God and His ability to provide for me and give me what will bring true joy to my life, while at the same time giving me an opportunity to build up the kingdom. And, over the last 2 years I have felt the range of emotion when it comes to trusting God. At times I have had complete trust and at other times I have not felt one iota of trust. Recently, I've started to realize that my trust level varies depending on the topic. For most things in my life I have a lot of trust in God's providence. For example, when it comes to money I don't really worry about the future, even though money is REALLY tight and we don't really have a savings. But, for most of my life money has been really tight (if not non-existant) and everything has always worked out. I've always had everything I needed, just not necessarily everything I wanted (e.g. I still have never had an ipod). But, lack of money doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I worry from time to time, but it doesn't overwhelm me.

It's probably no surprise that the area I have difficulty trusting God with is my fertility. Yesterday I had a spiritual direction session (the first one since October!). Most of the session seemed to circle around this trust issue and around the meaning of suffering. One thing my director said that really stuck with me was that trust is an act of the will. I think I have heard this before, but it never really struck me as deeply. This past cycle I was kind of in the "fake it 'til you feel it" mode. I think that is a way of trusting with your will without having the feelings to back it up. I had been walking around feeling like a hypocrit, but now I don't think I was. I never lost my faith/belief in God. I was just very hurt. When I'm hurt I pull back and turn inward... protect the core...

I think I need to change how I see my suffering (easy to say, hard to do). I'm not quite sure what the modification fully looks like, but it starts with acknowledging that God didn't send me this suffering. I am not being punished. My head has known this, but I think I felt this way deep down. I do not "deserve" to be infertile (nobody does) nor did I do anything wrong to warrant a punishment like this. Secondly, suffering comes because we live in a fallen world. This world is not the way God originally planned it to be. Third, suffering can be redemptive. I'm not saying I think you have to suffer in order to get to heaven. However, I am saying that how you deal with the suffering you experience can bring you closer to God and help you better serve those around you.

The other day I was reading a reflection from Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) about the connection between the Eucharist and God's unconditional love. The Eucharist is the blueprint (so-to-speak) of how God's love is transformative. Jesus took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to the disciples. Those 4 words say it all: take, bless, break, give. Even Jesus himself was taken, blessed, broken, and given to the world... and it was the most loving thing the Father could do for us... and the most loving gift Jesus could give. We too are taken, blessed, broken, and given, if we allow it to happen. And, even though the breaking part really hurts, we are blessed before that. And, the breaking has a purpose: transformation for the benefit of others. For myself, at this moment, I need to focus on the blessing part so I can be ready to give. Otherwise, the breaking part has no meaning.

And, even though I just spent all that time talking about suffering, in this moment all is good. If nothing else I have a little break from the suffering. The break is nice, I have to say. I'm not really at the stage where I can feel complete joy (and only joy) but I'm trying to find my way there. Suffering allows us to feel the joy when it comes, right?

Well, this turned into a really long post... I think it's time to sign off for now.

The Baby Shower Question

2008-02-11T08:42:00.000-06:00

Kathy recently posed the question about attending a baby shower. It was good to see everyone's response. It seems like everybody has their own way of dealing with baby showers, but most people said to do what you think is best for you.

I have a slight twist on the question and I was just looking for some feedback. This weekend is the baby shower my group of friends planned for all the preggos in our group. This is the shower that would have been partly for me if my first baby had kept on growing. Two of the ladies already have kids, but the third lady is pg with her first (honeymoon) baby. One of the ladies is about to pop with her 5th kiddo (5th in 6 years...). At first when I got the invite a few weeks ago I told the hostess that there was no way I could come (she knows why). Then, I got the bfp and it seems to be sticking (at least that is what I'm trying to convince myself of since there isn't any blood). Friday I told the hostess that I was pg (but she's the only friend I've told). I asked her if I could be a maybe until the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The shower is not going to be a typical shower since there are 3 ladies. We are just supposed to bring some diapers and a onesie to decorate. [I told the hostess (just after my 2nd m/c) that when I did finally manage to have a healthy pregnancy I wanted a kick-ass baby shower... She agreed.]

So, here's my question (and you may not even be able to answer this for me, but you're the only ones who might be able to put yourself in my shoes). Should I go? Should my attendance depend on how well my current pg is doing? I'm doing better these days, but I don't know if there are hidden emotions that will bubble up unexpectedly... What would you do in my shoes? I don't want to go and then be the wet blanket at the party. However, I would like to be able to celebrate new life with my friends.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. My thoughts seem to be really scattered these days... I'm actually supposed to be working right now, but I can't concentrate on anything (except this pg...). Is there a 12 step program for people struggling with IF and m/c? I should probably be attending meetings...

More Prayer Please

2008-02-09T18:49:00.000-06:00

Remember this post? I talked to my friend yesterday and asked her for an update about the girl who was being pressured to have an abortion. The girl did go through with the abortion. This makes me so sad...not just because she had the abortion, but also because her parents and her boyfriend pressured her. I worry about her waking up someday and being overcome with grief. Please continue to pray for her.

Lenten Plans

2008-02-05T22:05:00.000-06:00

I can't believe Lent starts tomorrow! I know it is very early this year, but it really did sneak up on me. Thank you lifehopes for your post about your Lenten plans. It served as a kick in the butt for me to make some decisions about what I will do for Lent.

I have really struggled in my relationship with God lately, especially in the area of trust. I think I will take the opportunity of my Lenten penances to work on this relationship. I decided to post my Lenten penances on my blog so that I can be held accountable... To that end, here is what I have decided to do for Lent:

Prayer: I will pray every day, in the morning before I do anything else (except maybe eat breakfast...). I used to pray daily, but I have really gotten away from it for months. Lately I have only been praying during my weekly adoration hour (and even that is very distracted and half-hearted prayer sometimes).

Fasting: I will fast from TV in the mornings before going to work. I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV in the mornings for background noise while I get ready and cook and do dishes. I will also try to limit the amount of TV I watch in the evenings when I get home. Many nights my hubby doesn't come home until 10:30-11:00pm, so I often turn on the TV for company. Maybe I should start reading instead.

Almsgiving: This one is hard. Money is really tight right now so I hesitate to give any more of our treasure. I already give a lot of my time and talent to the church because I work there. I will look for an opportunity to give some time to something that will benefit someone or a group of people in need. I might help with our church's food bank or something. I used to volunteer at an advocacy center and help very poor and homeless people. I kind of miss that social justice work. I will look for some opportunities in the weeks to come. Maybe I can help with Catholic Charities. They recently opened a satelite office at our church. I might just go over tomorrow to see what they need.

In other news, I finally saw my doc today. I really do like him! He seemed very confident about this pg. He answered all my questions, which was helpful. Yes, I can take acidophilus to help ward off yeast infections. I am also going to start taking a calcium supplement since I am lactose intollerant. I affirmed my ideas about adding back some grains and a few fruits to my diet to try to stay more well-rounded in my diet. He said not to change too drastically though, especially since I have a few candida symptoms still (namely, mucus in my stool). He also said that since I have a history of m/c we should refrain from sex for the 1st trimester. I was a little disappointed to hear this, but hubby was pretty frustrated. The doc said that if we did have sex it most likely wouldn't cause a m/c, but that if a m/c were to happen the amount of guilt we would feel would be disproportionate. I think he's right. He also said that I should ease into exercise. I am supposed to stick with walking the first trimester, then in the 2nd trimester I can add some strength training, especially in the abdomen area. That made sense to me. I'm also supposed to keep taking the baby asprin. He didn't seem too concerned that I have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. He did say that I should be moderate with my diet though.

So, that is the update in a nutshell. I am scheduled to go in in 2 weeks for an ultra sound. By then we should be able to see a heartbeat. I think I will feel better after the ultra sound. It seems like the next major hurdle.

Ok, please forgive the ramblings of a desperate infertile woman grasping at straws that this pg is on the right track...

My progesterone has kicked in and I have that "drunk" feeling. I think I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for stickign with me!

6 Non-Important Things Meme

2008-02-01T10:24:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged by Alison to list 6 non-important facts about me.
The Rules:
1) Link to the person that tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!

This is very similar to the last meme I did, so I have to come up with some new things. Let's see, six non-important facts about me:
1) I have small hands. Women's size gloves don't fit me, but kids size gloves do. I have only met one other fully grown adult woman with hands as small as mine.

2) I LOVE avocados! In a restaurant I will order a dish because it comes with avocados. I like guacamole too (if it's made correctly, not the fake stuff you buy in the grocery store), but there is a difference between guacamole and avocados.

3) I am more proud of the school I went to for my Masters than I am for my undergrad. Sometimes I will avoid telling people what school I went to for undergrad unless they ask me directly. I identify more with my grad school and will always root for their sports teams. Of course, my undergrad was a women's college so their sports aren't usually televised nationally anyway...

4) My favorite color is green.

5) I love riding a bike around, especially if I can go to a park with bike paths. Unfortunately, I don't currently own a bike.

6) We don't have cable tv. We are still using rabbit ears. We're just not home enough to warrant having more than 7 channels...

OK, I think I will tag New Reality, Farah, and R&R. =)

Finally, Some Good News! UPDATED

2008-02-01T09:54:00.000-06:00

I went to the doc's office this morning for my 2nd beta and the results from my first set of tests.

HcG = 367 at 16dpo
Progesterone = 36

Yeah! Those are great numbers! =) I am breathing a little easier now. They are supposed to be processing my beta today STAT (although I have to pay extra to use the STAT currier, but I don't care) so I should know the results by this afternoon. It also looks like my Rh Factor is positive and my platelet levels are good. That's good to know. I was wondering if pregnancy might make my ITP flare up (in the back of my mind I wondered) but I seem to be doing good right now.

I was only at the office for about 20 minutes. It was obvious that the office manager had talked to the staff about my case, but I don't care. As long as things continue to go smoothly I am happy. It will be good to talk to my doc on Tuesday to ask some of my questions. I'm not sure if I should continue to not eat fruit now that I'm pg. My candida symptoms have really backed off, but I don't want them to flare up again. You're suppose to stay away from all simple carbs and sugars (including fruit) for at least a month. I just don't want to deprive my body of any nutrients I need. I am eating a lot of veggies (and a variety) so maybe that is enough...? I did have an orange yesterday. I still lost weight this morning so it couldn't have thrown me off that much. However, the area in my mouth that will flare up with thrush feels a little swollen. This happens before I get an outbreak of thrush so I don't want to push my luck. I'm not sure if I can take acidophilus while pregnant (the bottle says to consult your doctor) so I have been staying away from it.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with me this week while I went through my very stressful freak out. Hopefully things will be smoother going forward. Hooray for good numbers! =)

**********************************************************************

Results from this morning are just in:

HcG = 760

Woo!Hoo! That number is more than double and it was 46 hours between tests. Yee! Haw! I am relieved and very stoked. I know that we're not completely safe and that things can still happen, but I feel like we just successfully jumped over the first hurdle. I think I can start to believe that I am actually pg now. I don't think I'll put up a pg tracker until after I see a heart beat, but I have a really big smile on my face right now! =D

OH, I guess I owe my L ovary an apology... Good 'Ole Lefty, I'm sorry I called you retarded. You have definitely proven yourself this cycle. Thank you!

A Few Symptoms?

2008-01-31T22:55:00.000-06:00

I experienced a couple things that I hope are pg symptoms.
- This morning I had a bitter taste in the back of my mouth and throat. It is also reoccuring tonight.
- This morning my mucus (the stuff in my nose) smelled sour when I blew my nose.
- I have been having this pinching feeling in my abdomen. It's not like menstral cramps so I hesitate to call it cramps.
- This morning my areolas looked larger and pinker.
- Yesterday I was VERY tired, especially in the afternoon and evening (although today I had normal energy levels).

If you know anything about any of the above being or not being symptoms, please let me know. It's kind of freaking me out that my bbies aren't sore yet. I'm also really tired of being scared and freaked out.

I'm sorry I'm such a whiner so far during this pg. To be honest, this pg doesn't feel real yet. I still feel like Infertile Mertile. I want to relax, but I can't. It would really be great if I could have a good experience at the doctor tomorrow morning and my beta results are in and wonderfully high.

It Gets Better...

2008-01-31T15:15:00.000-06:00

I called the doc this morning to find out the results of my labs. After playing phone tag, 2 hours of waiting, and getting dropped while being on hold, I finally talk to a nurse. They didn't have my results. She called the lab and got back to me about 5 minutes later (the first thing that was finally done in a timely manner!). And the results are...

They didn't test my HCG levels.

Yet again, I find myself saying WHAT?!?!?!? I don't know if there was a mix up in how the tests were ordered or if there was a communication break down. I specifically asked the lab tech if she was taking blood to do a beta test. Do people not know that is the slang term for a Beta HCG test?? The good news is that the lab is supposed to do the test now, with the blood they already took.

Also, my progesterone test isn't complete. Supposedly I will receive my results tomorrow when I go for the second round of needle poking. Unfortunately, the second test is on a Friday. Since I'm going in the morning I'm going to ask them to run the tests STAT so I can receive the results before the weekend. I think it's the least they can do after all they have put me through this week... Who wants to bet that the results still won't be in even if they run them STAT?

The Non-Appointment

2008-01-30T19:11:00.000-06:00

I wish I could say that my appointment today went as well as Trish's. Sadly, I had about the opposite experience. I would like to start off, though, by saying that my doctor is great! He is a good listener, he's aggressive enough when it's necessary, and he genuinely cares about how my husband and I are doing during this struggle. Unfortunately, my doc wasn't there today. Instead, I had to put up with his completely incompetent staff. I have had several issues in the past with them not reading my chart or reading it incorrectly in the past. Today was no different.

I was at the doctor's office for 2.5 hours and I never saw a doctor. First the front clerk asked if I still lived at the address from 6 months ago. I gave them my new address six months ago, which was on the paper she lifted up to look at the paper with my old address... Once I told her I gave them my updated info 6 moths ago she looked at the paper in her hand and said, "Oh, never mind, I see it now." Yeah. I have no words.

Then, after waiting for an hour, a nurse brought me to the back and had me pee in a cup. Then I waited in the mini waiting room in the back. After another hour the same nurse brought me to the lab tech to have a complete OB set of blood work taken. I was still fairly calm at this point because I knew they were still trying to catch up from having to evacuate yesterday. However, I did start to get annoyed when I asked when my lab results would be ready and the nurse walking by told me Friday morning. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous! I explained to the lab tech that I have a history of m/c. She told me that the results will actually come up on the printer at the office in the morning so she suggested I call and ask them to check tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do! Ater my labs they led me back to the waiting room rather than an exam room. Uuggh!

The last straw came 5 minutes later when the tech to the sonogram came to give me a sonogram. Um, hello! I'm only peak +17! You can't see anything yet! I didn't want to pay for something that wasn't going to give us any info. I explained that to the tech and the nurse (the same one that has been working with me the entire time). The nurse apologised and said that she mis-read my chart and thought I was there for my pregnancy from September. Again, I say, WHAT?!?!?!? Do I look like I am 6 months pregnant?? And, if that wasn't a big enough clue, what about the fact that 2 hours ago she is the one who gave me the cup to pee in to confirm my pregnancy!!!!! Doesn't anyone in this office know how to read a chart?? Uuggh!

At this point I was late for work. My doc wasn't there anyway and I didn't really want to ask the fill-in doc most of my questions because he doesn't know my history. Why should I pay for a consultation that won't give me any info? I just asked to re-schedule to see my doc on Friday when I had to come in for more labs anyway... I went to the front desk to schedule for Friday and she said that my doc wasn't going to be in on Friday. I just lost it.

I don't think these people understand what it's like to be scared out of your mind that a new pg is going to go kaput at any moment. When I started crying at the front desk the scheduler brought me to the office of the Office Manager to talk. I gave her a brief history of my infertility and my experience with the office workers and some of the nurses. She thanked me for telling her my honest experience and assured me that she is working on improving the situation. She scheduled me for follow up lab work on Friday and a consultation appt on Tuesday morning with my doc (the first available appt). I will follow up on my lab results tomorrow morning.

I still have a lot of questions that I'm very nervous about. If my progesterone numbers are low I will just go in tomorrow and see whatever doc is available. I have been worried that the prometrium isn't as affective as it needs to be and I might need to switch to shots. I don't want to m/c just because my doc was out of town and the office help couldn't get their act together!

When I left the doc's office I was so frustrated and scared I cried all the way home. I tried to keep myself calm enough not to burst into body shaking sobs. I know stress is not good for the baby. It's hard though. I am scared to death. It doesn't help that I am having some weird pinching cramps tonight on my L side. They are different than the feeling I'd been having up 'til today.

I don't know if all this stuff is happening to force me to trust God, or if it's all just a cruel series of coincidences. I wish I could get some reassurance somewhere though. I guess for now, the saga continues...

More Waiting

2008-01-29T20:14:00.000-06:00

Yeah. My doctor's office had to cancel my appointment today because they had to evacuate the building due to some fires started by stupid people throwing cigarettes on the ground! When I got that phone call I was so scared! I have another apt scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9am. That's one more day without knowing if my baby is growing on track. One more day without being able to ask all my questions. One more day without being able to re-evaluate all my scripts and make sure my hormone levels are on track. Unfortunately, Wed is my doc's surgery day so I have to see another doc in the practice. The doc I'm seeing is the doc I saw the first time I went to this practice. I asked to move to my doc because I thought this other guy was too green (he was fresh out of school) to handle my complicated situation. However, I will still get blood tests done, so that is good. Maybe I can talk to my doc on the phone for my other questions.

In the meantime, I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. I took my first dose of baby asprin (the last time I talked to my doc he said that he wanted me to start taking it when I got pregnant). I also went out and bought another pregnancy test. The good news is I am still pg. I was hoping that the line would be quite a bit darker, but it was about the same. I'm trying to convince myself it's because yesterday I tested with fmu and today I tested when I got home from work and I had a lot of water today. It was slightly reassuring to see the positive stick though. I am still feeling that pressure/pinching feeling in my abdomen. Other than that I still don't have any symptoms.

One of the first things I thought about when I heard my apt was cancelled was that God really wants me to trust completely in Him. Honestly, I don't know if I can right now. I want to. Or, at least I want to want to trust in Him completely. The most appropriate prayer for me right now is from St. Augustine, "I believe Lord, help my unbelief." This cycle I have tried to make decisions that show my trust in God (even if I don't really feel the trust at the time). Apparently, I need more opportunities to trust... God, please help me to be patient and trust in you.

Not Retarded

2008-01-28T10:25:00.000-06:00

So, today is peak + 15. I have no symptoms. My bbies are normal. I haven't even had any pimples (which might be a symptom because it's a lack of a usual AF symptom, I don't know). In fact, I have had some weird sensations (I'm not sure if they qualify as cramps, but definitely pressure at least) in my uterus/pelvic area. Last night I had a little bit of CM with what looked like a hint of brown. I thought it was AF finally coming. However, every trip to the bathroom after that the tp was completely dry. My body was totally messing with my head!

When I woke up this morning my temp was barely above my cover line and the tp was still dry. Then, it dawned on me. Maybe my loosing weight and changing diet helped my body not to be so estro.gen dominant! Of course! Normally I just take the prog.esterone until my period starts. The doc has me on a pretty high dose (2oomg in the AM and 200mg in the PM), but my period always breaks right through. That is kind of weird don't you think. I have a history of unusually high est and unusually low prog. So, I decided to poas so I would know I wasn't pg and I could stop taking prog (actually it's prome.trium, but same thing). I didn't have any so I ran to the dollar store and picked one up. It was positive.

What?!?!?

It was positive! It wasn't even a "faint, squint to see it" positive. It was a "show up right away, definite line" positive. My body is totally messing with my head. Maybe my L ovary isn't retarded after all...

My doc told me to come in asap if I thought I was pg. Of course, he doesn't work Mondays and his partner is "triple booked" today. So, I have an apt at 2:15 tomorrow with my doc, who is also "triple booked" tomorrow so they have to "work me in." Apparently in the last 3 months a lot of people have gotten pg but have had problems so it has been crazy at my doc's office.

I'm still in shock. I was totally sure this month was a bust. Now, I'm hoping that my lack of symptoms isn't a bad sign... I don't think I'll be able to relax at all until the 2nd trimester...

Overcoming Temptation

2008-01-26T11:51:00.000-06:00

Last night my church put on a party for all of the volunteers for children's ministries and the ministries that help prepare people who wish to join the church. Since we are a large church this is a very big party. We always have a very nice dinner before the festivities begin. Last night on the menu was chick.en pi.ccata, grilled veggies, salad, rolls with garlic butter, shrimp, and stuffed shell pasta with red sauce. I went through the line the first time and filled my plate with a double serving of the veggies, a small breast of chicken, salad, and shrimp. When I finished I wasn't hungry and I had stuck to my diet as well as possible (the only "bad" part was the breading on the chicken, but I chose a piece with almost no breading). Of course, when I was finished I was really craving a roll with the yummy garlic butter and a stuffed shell. I have really been craving tomato sauce stuff lately... I seriously considered splurging for the night and having all those delicious carbs. However, I resisted. I tried to keep in mind how good I was feeling and how the numbers on the scale are going down. I was very proud of myself (although I was still craving that pasta...)

My reward came this morning. I still managed to loose 0.6 pounds! =) I'm switching my ticker!

In other news, my temp is messing with me. It is peak + 13 today. After 2 days of low temps yesterday's temp went up again, but today's was down again. I think, for my sanity's sake, I am going to continue to expect AF today. If she doesn't come today I will test tomorrow.

Nose Dive

2008-01-24T10:07:00.000-06:00

I am peak +11 and my temp has plummeted 2 days in a row. I'm guessing AF is on her way. If that happens this would be my first cycle of temping that actually followed "the rules" of temping. That is actually kind of nice. I've never had any warning AF was on the way besides some cramps. I am a little disappointed, but not surprised. I don't think my L ovary works very well. For years I have had a pattern of one fairly normal cycle and one weird cycle on and off. I think my L ovary is retarded .

In other news, I am going to work today after 2 days of being home sick. I am still congested, but feeling much better. That's good because tomorrow is a long day at work. Hopefully I don't wear myself down too much and just relapse.

One last thing. I have a prayer request. One of my friends went to the March for Life in D.C. and was asked to pray for a girl who is pregnant, in college, and being pressured by her boyfriend and her parents to have an abortion. She has an appointment for today for "the procedure." Please pray for her. She is confused and went to see her campus minister for advice (that's how my friend knows... my friend is also a campus minister and heard through the prayer network). I am still in shock that her parents are pressuring her too. I think they are a Catholic family. Obviously they think a baby at this point in her life would ruin her life. If I knew her I would offer to adopt the baby myself. I hate that this is still happening in our world. I just don't understand how someone could kill a baby.

Good News, Bad News

2008-01-23T09:38:00.000-06:00

Bad news first... I have the flu. It started as a sore throat this weekend and has turned into total body achy-ness, headache, congestion, runny nose, low grade fever, and fatigue. Monday I worked a half day and I stayed home all day Tuesday. I haven't decided if I'm going in to work today or not. I may take one more day just to make sure I am on the mend. Poor hubby is getting sick too. =(

Good news: I seem to be loosing a little over 0.5 pounds a day. Yesterday I lost 0.8 pounds from the previous day and today I lost 0.6 pounds. I think 0.6 pounds is great for a day of staying home sick and doing nothing! I know this loss is mostly due to my new candida diet. The only carbs I've been eating are in root veggies (which have more fiber anyway) and barley (also high in fiber). I still feel like I am fighting off yeast infections but it does feel a little more in control than it has in the last few months. I keep taking acidophilus and yesterday I had a little yogurt. I am hoping that I can start to add in a few more carbs in about a month. I guess we'll see. I am excited about the weight loss though. =)

Candida Strikes Again

2008-01-21T09:43:00.000-06:00

I know it's been a little while since I posted (how often do I start a post like this?). I think I just need to give in and accept that I am a random poster. Sometimes I post daily and sometimes I wait a couple weeks.

I guess the biggest news is that I talked to my doctor on Friday. I had an ultrasound done on cd8 (yes, the really fun kind with "the wand") to look at my ovaries. I was still having that weird cramping/pinching/full feeling. I had a small cyst on my L ovary that was 2.4cm. I wasn't able to really talk to my doc that day because he got called out to do a surgery. He just came to talk to me for a few minutes because I had told the nurse that I suspected I had a very early m/c the cycle before. We chatted for a couple minutes, he ordered the u/s and then ran out. We agreed to talk by phone the next Friday (because my work schedule and his surgery schedule make it difficult to talk at a different time).

He said he wasn't worried about the cyst even though it was so big so early. So, I'm trying to just assume that the cyst did in fact release an egg. My temp was a little erratic, but it seems to have shifted up, so I suppose that is good. (Don't I sound confident?)

The main thing I wanted to discuss with him was my suspicion that I had candidiasis. I told him about having to eat yogurt every day to stave off thru.sh and yea.st infections, along with my other symptoms. I had spent the last week cutting down on carbs and following a modified candida diet. I was hoping that I could get away with a modified candida diet but my doc said I should start with the extreme diet for at least a month. So, I guess I am going (basically) carb-less for a while. I sort of started this weekend. I say "sort of" because all 3 days I had 1 meal that wasn't from the diet, but the rest of my meals were. We have run out of groceries so I need to go shopping. Unfortunately, the food I need is more expensive. =( I really need to plan out my menu. Also, I would like to get get a food processor. Does anyone know a good food processor that isn't too expensive?

The good news is that I have already lost 3 pounds from last Friday. It was fun to move my ticker this morning. =) I am currently on cd18, peak + 8... smack dab in the middle of the 2ww. I don't feel any symptoms. Of course, I've been sick the last few days so that may be masking some of my symptoms. I've been doing better emotionally. I haven't randomly burst into tears in about a week. I guess that's something. Hopefully, in a week, I can burst into tears for a good reason...

Funk and Candida

2008-01-10T08:38:00.000-06:00

I noticed last night that I haven't posted in a while. I just haven't felt like I want to blog. I've been kind of like a turtle who hides in its shell. Every morning I wake up and feel fine for about an hour. Then the weight of my sadness seems to hit me and I break down and sob for a while. Then, I just walk around in a kind of fog during the day. Work has been really busy this week so that has been a good distraction. I haven't really been able to pray either. Yesterday was my adoration hour day. The most I can say is I showed up. I decided that I was doing pretty good to show up. I spent the time either just sitting or journaling. I've been like this since Christmas. Luckily, when my in-laws were in town they stayed in a hotel so I could have my breakdown at home and then act like a normal person in front of them.

I have tried to do some pro-active things, even while I'm in a funk. I have done some research into candidaisis. Does anyone know about this? It is basically an overgrowth of yeast in your body. I have been having a problem with thrush and yeast infections. If I don't eat yogurt every day then I get a flare up of one or the other. I have also read that there is a connection between candida and endo and ibs. I also have quite a few of the other symptoms associated with candida. So, I talked to my doctor and read up on how to combat this problem. Basically you have to go on a no carb/sugar, no dairy, all organic/natural/hormone free diet. It is actually a pretty extreme change for me. Also, it's a lot more expensive.

I decided to try easing into it to see how extreme I need to go. We are trying to buy meat that is hormone free and organic veggies when they are available. I am eating fewer carbs and cutting out "white" food. Basically when I eat carbs I am trying to eat whole grains instead of highly processed carbs and sugars. I'm also trying to up my exercise. I've managed to loose the few pounds I gained during the holidays, plus a pound so I got to adjust my ticker this morning.

I have also been having this weird achey/bruised feeling on my right side. It feels better with heat and hurts more when it's cold. It's been there for about a week (on and off). I'm starting to wonder if I developed a cyst on my right ovary. If it's still there next week I'll ask my gyno if he will do an ultrasound.

Well, that's basically me right now. Hubby and I are going for a walk so I need to log.

Still Nope -- Updated

2008-01-02T09:45:00.001-06:00

14dpo. Temp went back up but Fi.rst Res.ponse had 1 line. I definitely feel pg. I think this is going to be another m/c like last time. =( =(

----------------------------------------------------------------

It's 16dpo now and I finally started bleeding (well, it's brown and black). I had some very intense shooting cramps when I started. This is just like my last m/c, just a few days earlier. Even though I never got a bfp I'm sure I was pg, just with really low hcg numbers. I've never had a luteal phase longer than 13 days, but usually it's 11-12 days.

This sucks! And, my in-laws are in town so I have to play host and put on a happy face. So much for my fantasy about being ecstatic while they are here and giving hubby a pg for his birthday (he's a New Years baby).

I have made some decisions about some proactive things I can do to try and help myself, but I will have to blog about that later.

More Twinges

2008-01-02T00:27:00.001-06:00

It is the end of 13dpo and still no AF. My temp was down some this morning, but I'm not sure how much stock to put in that because I woke up over an hour early and decided to take my temp then because I really had to get up to use the bathroom. I continued to feel periodic twinges today, but I also felt some cramping this morning. My worst fear is that I am pg, but that it's not a strong pg and I will m/c like last time. Last time I didn't get a bfp until 16dpo and it was really faint. I have one more Fir.st Res.ponse that I will use tomorrow am with fmu if my temp is back up. Hope has creeped back in though. Maybe I am pg and this one will stick. I hope so because I'm not sure how I will handle another m/c.

Nope

2007-12-31T09:40:00.000-06:00

It's 12dpo. My temp was still up this morning. First Response says I'm not pg. =(

More Symptoms

2007-12-31T00:14:00.000-06:00

Is tingling in your uterine area a pg symptom? I am having a very odd sensation right now. It doesn't hurt. It's like a burning that tingles. I've had some mini cramps today too, but they were a little different than my usual pms cramps. I'm trying not to put too much stock into this... However, I usually get some CM the day or 2 before AF and the TP has been dry and white. My bbies aren't sore at all though... they're not even tender. I guess tomorrow will be very telling. The tingling is weird though.

"Symptoms"

2007-12-29T18:58:00.000-06:00

I hate the 2ww! I feel so anxious and every little thing seems to be a symptom... I just took a shower and I swear my areolas looked darker. My temp has been up for 3 days, since 8dpo and even though my temp is usually low my chart looks like it *could* be triphasic. I have also felt some slight shooting cramps a few times over the last few days and I have been exhausted all day. I took 2 naps today. And, the thing that's really screwing with my head, some things smell and taste weird.

It's 10dpo and I just p'd.o.a.s. It was negative. I hate this.

Suppressing My Feelings

2007-12-28T10:03:00.000-06:00

**Long Post Warning!

I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.

The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!

This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.

Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.

I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...

OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.

7 Random Things UPDATED

2007-12-24T10:01:00.000-06:00

I have been tagged to tell you 7 random things about me. This is my first time being tagged so it was actually kind of exciting for me... It was a nice little reminder that there are people out there who actually read my blog (of course I do have several faithful readers too... hi guys! :) and that someone wants to learn more about me. Thanks for the tag! I hope I am not too boring... =)

As requested, here are 7 random things about me:

1. I play the violin. I started in 5th grade and played every day until I was 21. I was even a music major in college. Unfortunately, I stopped enjoying playing along the way... probably when the pressure to perform became too much and music took over every aspect of my life. I just didn't enjoy being trapped in a practice room for hours a day with only my violin for company. Also, I didn't like the person I became when I was around snobby and backstabbing musicians. Not all musicians are like that, but there are enough of them to make the atmosphere stressful. Anyway, after college I basically quit playing. I would sometimes play for church, but over the last 2 years I didn't play at all. I started playing again a couple months ago and I actually enjoy it again. I joined one of the music groups at church so I would have a reason to play every week. It's been nice.

2. I moved my place of residence at least once a year from the time I was 17 until I was 28, with the exception of a 2 year stint in grad school. The year I was 21 I actually moved 4 times. That year I spent the summer with my parents, a semester abroad (during which I actually officially lived in 2 different places, but I only count it as one move) with travelling to follow, a final semester back at my college, and then back to my parents for the next year until I decided to move to another state and become truly independent. Hubby and I bought a house this summer so I am finally living somewhere with no immediate plans to leave in the foreseeable future. =) It's been nice to put down some roots.

3. I am clumsy, but I am (or was when I was younger) a very graceful dancer. It's quite a head scratcher to me. I am so clumsy that I fall on my face, literally, very often. Growing up I actually developed a lisp because I was missing at least 1 front tooth between the ages of 2 and 10 because I would knock them out when I fell on my face. I went to speech therapy to learn how to say "s" and "th." Falling on my face and knocking out a tooth became popular again while I was traveling in Ireland at age 21 and I had to have an emergency root canal while I was abroad.

4. I have had more work done on my teeth than most people my age but I have never had a cavity. This is, in part, because of the aforementioned falling on my face. I had braces for 3 years, accompanied with head gear (not neck gear like the rest of the kids in my class...). I have had 3 root canals and one tooth implant (complete with oral surgery to put in the metal post).

5. I like to travel. Domestically I have been to 33 of the 50 states. I hope to visit all 50 in my life time. I have lived in 9 different states. I also like to take road trips, especially when I am trying to de-stress. I have driven to most of the states I have visited. Only 9 of the states I have visited were a "drive through" experience. In the other 15 states I visited I actually spent the night and spent some time experiencing the state. Internationally I have not traveled as extensively. I have been to 10 countries other than the United States. I definitely plan to travel more. My husband has the travel bug too, so I'm sure we will be on more adventures.

6. I love camping! I have spent 14 summers of my life at summer camp. And, when I was taking a break from summer camp I would go camping. I think that people who stay in a trailer are not camping. If you are staying in a rustic wood cabin without plumbing or climate control, and you cook your food over a fire, you can count it as camping, but sleeping in a tent or under the stars is better. The best way to camp is to hike in with minimal gear. Being in the mountains brings you closer to God. There is something very relaxing and peaceful about communing with nature.

7. I grew up 30 minutes from a ski resort and I don't know how to ski. I have only tried to ski one time in my life and I sucked. It also hurt a lot when I fell, which happened a lot. I sprained my shoulder during one of my falls... 2 days before I had a violin scholarship audition. I am now scared to ski. This is an unusual experience for me because I am usually pretty fearless and willing to try almost anything. I don't see myself downhill skiing any time soon...

OK, now I am supposed to tag some people. This is kind of hard because most of the blogs I read did this meme a couple months ago... I think I will post this now and then update if I find some blogs on my list that haven't done this meme.

**UPDATED** I found some people who I don't think have done this meme.
Tag, You're It!:
Beautiful Curve, Leigh, Disenchanted, Hope, Infertility Sucks!

Holidays = Eating days

2007-12-22T10:19:00.003-06:00

Sometimes you really want a drink

2007-12-22T10:19:00.001-06:00

Yesterday was kind of a stressful day. On stressful days sometimes you really just want (need?) a glass of wine. Unfortunately, I am taking Metformin. Metformin and alcohol are a big no no to mix. So, I was a good girl and didn't give in. However, I did fantasize about going off Metformin for a while if I don't end up pg this cycle. Of course, I have had this fantasy before... I never end up doing it though because my desire for a baby is much grater than my desire for the periodic drink.

What do you do when you have a stressful day and you can't have a glass of wine?

Talking it out

2007-12-14T02:04:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update for those of you who were thinking about the talk with my coworker today. I just wanted to let you know that the talk went well, and I'm glad it went well. My coworker was the complete opposite of how she acted last week. She was humble, apologetic, and took responsibility for her actions. She let me say what I needed to say and didn't interrupt. She was not defensive and apologized several times. She also assured me that something like this would never happen in the future. I feel much better. This does not mean that I have become her biggest fan. However, I do feel like I can work ok with her now.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Tomorrow's Talk

2007-12-12T20:52:00.000-06:00

Well, tomorrow is the day I have an appointment with my co-worker to work through the "tension" we had last week. We have had a few conversations since then, about work stuff, that have gone smoothly. To be honest, I'm torn about how I want tomorrow's conversation to go. I think part of me wants it to go poorly because then I will have a reason to go on disliking her... However, I want it to go well so that my work environment will be more comfortable. I am feeling a lot of axiety about the upcoming conversation. I think I mostly want it to go well, but I am worried that it won't.

Please pray for me and this situation. Thank you.

Stat Counter?

2007-12-11T22:33:00.000-06:00

Does anyone else use the program "Stat Counter" to watch the hits to their blog? I have experienced something weird with this program for about a week. I can't get to their website. I have tried at different times of day and from different computers. I've tried following the link in my blog and just typing in their website (www.statcounter.com). The weird part is that the page doesn't even try to load. I click on the link or type in the address and hit enter, and then nothing. Nothing happens. The little mini window doesn't even wave to show it's looking for the page. I don't even get an error screen saying that it can't find the page. Nothing happens. I can't figure it out.

I'm not sure what to do. I would report it to the website, but I can't even get to the website to make a report... I'm thinking about finding another program to keep track of the hits on my blog. What does everyone else use? I liked that Stat Counter was free, didn't send me a lot of junk, and had a lot of different analyzing tools available to me. What programs have others had good luck with? If you can recommend a program to me, I would really appreciate it.

Come on Down!

2007-12-10T23:30:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been a week and I have officially lost 2 pounds! I think that is pretty good. If I keep this up steadily I will reach my goal weight in 20 weeks. Right now that seems like a long time away (5 months), but I know that in 5 months I will look back and think that it came quickly. Also, by that time we will have passed our 2 year ttc anniversary. The best case scenario would be that I will have managed to get a bfp that stuck. The second choice is that I will have lost all the weight I want so at least I will feel good about my body... and hopefully getting a bfp will be easier.

In other news, hubby and I are full swing into our new schedule (with opposite days off, me working during the day and hubby on swing shift). I have not seen my husband in two straight days (unless you count our sleep laden hellos and goodbyes). Maybe when one of us has a day off it will be better. This week I am working a lot of over time, but after Christmas I get some down time so that will be nice.

Oh, I also found a great recipe (see below) that would like to share. It's very yummy and full of veggies so it is really good for you.

Sicilian Chicken Stew
from Rachael Ray

This hearty dish incorporates all the flavors of Sicilian cooking in one delicious stew! Be sure to serve with some crusty bread for mopping!
Ingredients
· 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
· 1 1/2-2 pounds boneless, skinless, chicken thighs, cut into bite-size pieces
· Salt and freshly ground pepper
· 1 large onion, chopped
· 4 stalks celery from the heart, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cubanelle peppers, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cloves garlic, chopped
· A pinch of red pepper flakes
· 2 tablespoons aged balsamic vinegar
· 2-3 cups chicken stock (use a little more or less depending on how thick you like your stew)
· 1 can San Marzano tomatoes (28 ounces)
· 1 cup big Italian green olives, chopped
· 1/4 cup golden raisins (about a handful)
· 1/2 cup basil (about a handful) [optional]
· 1/2 cup flat leaf parsley (about a handful), chopped [optional]
· 1/4 cup pine nuts (about a palmful), toasted [optional]
· Shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese, for topping
[**I also added 1.5 carrots, diced and a small handful of wheat spaghetti, broken up into 1 inch pieces]
Preparation
Place a large skillet over medium-high heat with the EVOO.
Season the raw chicken with salt and freshly ground black pepper. When the EVOO starts to ripple, put the chicken in the skillet and brown all sides.
Add in the onion, celery, peppers, garlic and red pepper flakes and cook until tender, about 3-4 minutes.
Add the balsamic vinegar, a cup or so of the chicken stock and the tomatoes to the skillet. Crush the tomatoes with a potato masher and mix in the olives and raisins. Let simmer for 10-15 minutes to let the flavors blend, adding more chicken stock to reach the desired consistency of your stew.
To serve, top each portion with basil, parsley, toasted pine nuts and shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese. Serve with some crusty bread alongside.

Milestone

2007-12-05T21:17:00.000-06:00

I just passed the mark of 3000 hits to my blog! Woo! Hoo!

Starting Over, Again

2007-12-05T09:53:00.000-06:00

You may have guessed this from the title of my post... AF showed full-fleged today, crushing that last sliver of "maybe it's a miracle" hope I was holding onto for this cycle. I know it's naive and kind of "pie in the sky" thinking, but I really thought that I was going to get pg this cycle and it would help cushion the blow of my m/c. I thought we had found the "magic formula" and my body would just slip back into being pg. I think I just didn't want to face the probability that I would have to live through Advent and Christmas (again) not pg. I'm so tired of being sad during times that are supposed to be happy. I'm just tired of being sad period. Right now, I'm seriously considering just stopping all medications and stop keeping track of my cycle. This way, at least, I would be able to drink alcohol again (a no no when taking metfor.min) when I had a bad day or just wanted to relax with friends.

I would stop everything except... I want to have a baby more than anything else in the world. If I'm honest with myself I may want to have a baby more than I want to work on my relationship with God (which is a problem).

So, since I don't think I can bring myself to stop (and "just relax" as people keep telling me) I need to do something pro-active. I think I will focus on loosing weight. I lost some weight about a year ago and my B.M.I. went from 37 to 35. Since then I have only gone down to 33.5. I just haven't really been trying very hard. That is going to change. I know diet and exercise works for me. I have at least 5 exercise programs that I have ordered from late night TV over the years...I just need to find the motivation to use them. I think I have finally reached a point where I have had enough of this crap! I'm feeling a little angry at myself for putting off loosing more weight until now. I know that extra weight makes my endo worse. It is time to say goodbye to overweight me and uncover the skinny girl inside. My goal is to get my B.M.I. down to at least 26. I know technically that is still overweight but I have really big bbies (which don't seem to shrink when I loose weight) so I think that is a good weight for me.

List of things to do today:
- get a B.M.I. ticker up on my blog
- go shopping for healthy food (including snack options)
- put together an exercise plan/schedule
- eat a healthy lunch and dinner
- exercise

Would anyone else like to join me in my quest to loose weight? I have read other bloggers talking about trying to loose weight. I know I will need some help being accountable. Let's work together! Leave a comment with a link to your blog or email if you would like to join me.

Thankfulness, Anxiety, Anger, Sadness

2007-12-03T11:07:00.001-06:00

Today was a very emotional day. First of all it's my 2nd wedding anniversary. I love my husband more than I thought it was possible to love another person. He is my hero in many ways (he saved me from a life of loneliness) and he is my best friend. We went out to breakfast this morning because it was the only time we would have together. It was good to spend time together, but it wasn't very relaxing. Hubby was stressing about about is work/school load (he's been feeling very overwhelmed). I was feeling anxious this morning because it's 11dpo. I really wanted to give my hubby a bfp today. I got a bfn this morning. I couldn't wallow in anxiety too long because after we got back from breakfast hubby's overwhelmed feeling became too much for him and he freaked out a little and I had to help him.

Then, I got to work. My first appointment cancelled on me, so I don't have some info I need for another meeting I have tomorrow. Then, I had to put out some fires with some volunteers (but this is not necessarily unusual). Then, a co-worker called me because she was upset with some things I had submitted. She was rude to me about it on the phone about it, which pissed me off. It was kind of the last straw for me since I have been really struggling with this co-worker lately. To make a long story short we had a series of exchanges that made me angrier than I have ever been (except for a couple times I have fought with my mom). By the end of the night I was so angry I had to shut my door and cry. I didn't know what else to do and I had so much anger welling up. I was so upset that I finally just left. There was no way I was going to be able to focus long enough to get any work done. When I got home I did an aerobic and weights workout to try and get rid of my excess energy. After my workout I went to the bathroom and saw some red on the TP. Of course, the sobbing started all over again.

My worst nightmare for this Advent has come true, and it happened on my anniversary. I didn't get to give my husband a bfp for our anniversary. Instead, I don't get to see him most of the day (he won't be home until almost 1am tonight) and I'm starting my period. What makes it worse is that I really thought I was pg this cycle. I don't think I will ever trust my symptoms again.

Today sucked! And now, I get to watch all the preggos at church (I work at my church, so I get more than my fair share) and listen to all of the stories of Mary's pg all season.

Happy Anniversary to me.

I've Become "That Girl"

2007-11-30T10:12:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning and my bbies were still sore. Also, I started feeling a little bit nauseaus during the night and it hadn't gone away. So, what was the first thing I thought of doing (remember, I'm only 8dpo)? POAS, of course! Yes, I am "that girl," the one who POAS too soon. I thought that maybe I was "really" pg this time because I am having such strong symptoms. I thought maybe my HCG levels would have been high enough to show up on a test because my symptoms are so early and so strong.

So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...

OK, shower time.

Living with the Cards I was Dealt

Berkey Water System

Reviving the Blog

From Infertile to Happy Mom

He's Here

Squeaky Wheel Gets the Grease

Waiting

Full Term

MIA Update

28w Pictures

Identity Shift

26w Belly Shot

GTT Results

Mural Decisions

It's all Good

1930's Wife?

Bed Rest

The Bus.iness of Being Bo.rn

22w5d Belly Shot

Friendship...

Coincidence?

Baby Austin is Here!

The Promised Update

Child's Room Wall Mural

Show and Tell

What's in a Friendship? -Updated-

Trish's Baby **UPDATED**

A New Day **UPDATED**

Back from Retreating

Retreat Weekend

Late to the Party

Show and Tell

It's a...

The Worst News I can Imagine

Nervous

What's the Opposite of Infertile?

If I can just make it until...

10,001

You know you're "really" pregnant when...

It's Started Already

Chinese Calendar Gender Predictions

Not Spoiled Any More =(

Naive or Just Plain Mean?

"Us" vs "Them"??

14w1d

Cardiologist Update

Trusting My Body

Friday Flickr Foto Fun

What is 27 x 6?

Learning About My Heart

General Anxiety

Cardiologist Appt **Updated**

Blogger Issues

RLB?

Happy Easter

Happy Saint Paddy's Day!

Giant Leap in Faith **UPDATED**

Natalie needs your support

9 weeks

A Little Freaked Out ** UPDATED **

What is this Feeling?

Contacting Me

Fessin Up

How "Old"? --UPDATED--

Baby Shower Decision

"Keyword Analysis"

What's "Normal"?

"Motherhood at Any Cost"

It All Comes Down to Trust

The Baby Shower Question

More Prayer Please

Lenten Plans

6 Non-Important Things Meme

Finally, Some Good News! **UPDATED**

A Few Symptoms?

It Gets Better...

The Non-Appointment

More Waiting

Not Retarded

Overcoming Temptation

Trish's Baby UPDATED

A New Day UPDATED

Cardiologist Appt Updated

Giant Leap in Faith UPDATED

A Little Freaked Out UPDATED

Finally, Some Good News! UPDATED

7 Random Things UPDATED