I Want to be Happy for Others!

One of the results of my struggle with infertility and m/c is that I have now been robbed of the ability to just be happy for others (without any personal misery/baggage wrapped up in the feelings). This Monday a co-worker's wife had a baby. The baby was 6 weeks early (he's fine though) so we didn't expect the announcement quite this soon. This co-worker got married in January and they were pregnant in February. When I heard in March they were pregnant I had a very difficult time. I told him I was happy for them... The truth is I just felt bitter and sad for me. I was struggling with the "It's not fair" syndrome. On Monday when I heard they had the baby I still felt a little bitter, but mostly I felt very sad. The announcement felt like a stab to my heart. I think it was intensified because I "should" be pregnant right now. Instead of being able to be happy for them and rejoice in the gift of new life I am left to mourn the loss of the life I briefly carried and cry over the emptiness I feel. I resent that have lost the ability to feel pure joy for someone else.

Yet Again, CD1

It's CD1 today. It did come the "regular" time after I think I O'd, so that's good. I didn't have the usual pre-cramps twinges and my cramps today are a little worse than normal. However, my flow doesn't seem to have clots (at least so far... knock on wood) which is good news. It does make me wonder about the menses I had the cycle before my bfp, which had very heavy clotting. DH thinks I might have had a very early m/c that cycle because I had a lot of clots and really thick blood. My period started 13dpo and I never poas so I don't know for sure. I would prefer to think that my body was just getting rid of some endometriosis. And, speaking of choosing to think of things in a positive light, this marks the beginning of the 2nd cycle after my m/c which means that we can start trying again next cycle. Hopefully I will be pregnant 2 months from now. Our 2nd anniversary is Dec. 3rd. A BFP would be a great anniversary present...

I talked to my doc's office yesterday and they said that some of my labs are complete but they wanted to wait until they had the whole work-up before talking to me about the results. So, they should know by Tuesday what the results are. I'm not too nervous. I had some tests done a few years ago for clotting issues and things came back within normal limits. So, the tests this time around are more of a pre-caution because I did have a clotting issue as a toddler. I am just looking for some reassurance that the clotting issues haven't returned.

In other news, I turn 31 tomorrow. 31 years of life, 22 months of marriage, 19 months TTC, 1 pg, and 0 babies living in my house. I did have a nice time a my party last night though. We had some friends over and ate tacos and played dominos and laughed. It was fun. I didn't let myself think about losing my baby most of the night. When I do let myself think about it I am overcome with a wave of grief that threatens to bring me to my knees. I hope my grief dulls at least a little some time soon.

Random Crying

I started crying randomly for no reason today. Several people at work told me they could tell, from looking at my eyes, that I was not doing well. I think that's a polite way of saying I look like crap... I did kind of feel like crap today and I'm not really sure why. The only thing I could come up with is that I have been repressing my feelings and they are boiling over when my stress level gets too high. The thing is, I think crying (especially when I'm at work) just raises my stress level, so it kind of defeats the purpose.

Two Income Household

My husband got the job he interviewed for on Monday! This is very good news as he's been looking since May. It's been kind of a bumpy job search because he has been trying to change careers. He's in school for a new career path, but since his degree and experience is all in another field, it has been difficult for him to break into the new career. The job he got isn't exactly in the new field, but it's not in the old one either. And, he will have great benefits, so that is a bonus. Now we have 2 weeks to find a second car before hubby starts training... :)

On the fertility front I saw my doc yesterday morning. He wants to test for any possible clotting issues since I had an issue as a toddler and I recently m/c'd. So yesterday I gave 7 vials of blood... I should have the results back on Monday. I hope the results come back normal, but if not at least we'll be able to treat it before I have to m/c a 2nd time. I also asked the doc what he thought about us ttc next month (only 1 period after m/c). He said he prefers for his patients to wait until they have 2 regular cycles so that he can be sure that the uterus is ready for implantation and is "in sync" with the ovaries. He said that often the ovaries start working after a m/c before the uterus is ready for implantation. He has experienced many women in his practice who get pg the 1st cycle after a m/c and then end up m/cing again because their uterus wasn't ready. I want to avoid another m/c more than I want to be pg next month, so I was convinced to wait. Even though I m/c'd early I could tell my body was affected because I O'd a week later than normal.

I handled the doc visit ok. I only cried when I had my blood drawn because the lab tech had remembered me from my betas so she figured out I m/c'd. She has a clotting disorder and m/c'd her first 3 pg's, so she was very empathetic. After getting my blood drawn I went back to get my husband so we could check out and I ran into my friend who is pregnant with her 5th baby in 7 years. She was there to get her 19 week sonogram. She had her husband and 3 of the kids with her. I don't know what you call that kind of situation... ironic? Whatever it is, it stung a little. I am genuinely happy for her! I'm just extremely jealous.

OK, I'm exhausted. I've had a lot of early mornings and late nights this week. I was going to talk about 1 more thing, but I can't remember what it was. So, good night to all. Thank you for your prayers and support recently. It really has helped me cope.

I suck

I just noticed how long it had been since I last posted. I'm sorry for the silence. I have been around reading other people's blogs, I just haven't felt like writing myself. I'm doing ok (considering the circumstances). Yesterday I was pretty emotional, but most days I just do my best not to think about our loss. I had spiritual direction on Monday and that was really good for me. My director gave me some homework (tips for taking better care of myself mainly). I haven't really done my homework yet, but I want to (which is a step in the right direction). This week we were late coming home almost every day, so it was kind of a tiring week. (And, I have to work tomorrow morning for a few hours. :( I'm NOT excited about getting up early an extra day!)

My husband got a call today to schedule an interview for Monday. We really need the extra income, so any prayers you want to throw our way would be appreciated.

I will try to be better at posting.

God Speaks (sort of)

It's kind of funny how God can speak in your life sometimes. This morning I spoke to 2 women who (coincidentally) shared their stories of struggle with IF and m/c. Both of them had heart-breaking stories (10 years of IF with 2 m/c's; 1 m/c and 1 still born at 22 wks with severe physical disabilities). Both women now have 3 children (and one is trying for a 4th). Both women basically told me that they believe that if you have a true desire in your heart for children God will grant your desire. Otherwise, God will take your desire away so you can move on. The second woman was surprised that she told me the whole story and kept saying "I don't know why I'm telling you this." Toward the end of the conversation I told her (briefly) that I had m/c'd last Sunday and had been ttc for a year and a half. She was very understanding and encouraging.

I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).

So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.

To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...

Intercessory Prayer

Even though I'm Catholic I never really fully understood intercessory prayer. I believed that the saints were close to God and, therefore, could pray for me just like my friends on earth pray for me. However, I always kind of thought that if I had a prayer request I would just talk to God myself. I don't know if this stemmed from a desire to be able to speak for myself (I'm pretty independent) or just a disbelief that one person's prayer would be more powerful or listened to more closely than another person's prayer. Afterall, doesn't God love all people (whether they're on earth or in heaven) equally?

Then, after a year and a half of heartbreak I finally get pregnant, only to loose the baby at 5 weeks. And now, I don't really feel like talking to God. It's not that my faith is shaken. I still believe in God. I just don't trust God. How could God give me my deepest wish, only to take it away? And, if he didn't take it away, why couldn't he stop the m/c? Miracles happen to other people. I'm not saying I think I'm entitled to a miracle, I'm just saying I don't understand why this happened. It really doesn't seem fair, especially when God is supposed to be "just." No, I'm not ready to talk to God right now. The only way prayer is happening is if someone prays on my behalf. And, for the first time, I feel like maybe God will listen to someone else's prayers more, because he obviously isn't listening to mine. So saints in heaven, please pray for me. If there's a saint who has a special heart for infertile women, please pray twice for me. Pray for me because I cannot pray on behalf of myself.