** P-word mentioned** This post is about coming to terms with my identity and IF and pg and dealing with my losses.
I think I realized one of the reasons I have had a hard time accepting this pg... Why is still feel anxious at the thought of telling my co-workers and people from church. I don't trust that my body is capable of nurturing a pg. After everything we went through with IF, I learned to distrust my body and it's "motherly" qualities. Now, even though everything is pointing to the fact that my body seems to be successfully carrying this pg, my identity is still "that IF girl." I'm not really sure what to do about that. I do think that, if I am able to let go of my other 2 losses (not forget! just not hold them so closely to my heart), that might help me.
Currently, I think I am holding on to those losses, but ignoring (burying?) my feelings of loss. A couple weeks ago my parents suggested I talk to the baby. I finally did the other day. I told the baby to just concentrate on holding on and growing and that the only reason to stop growing was if God asked him/her to go to heaven. If that were the case, at least he/she would have a brother and sister there to hang out with (we named our babies Lucy and Christopher because a priest told us we should name them and then give them over to God... we did the first part, but have yet to do the second...). At this point I started crying. It would have been sobbing, but I was driving and I didn't want to crash. Obviously I need to work on the letting go part...
Besides letting go of my losses, I'm not sure what I can do to trust my body more. I kind of feel like this pg is a fluke. And, frankly, I'm not sure I should start to trust my body. I don't want to get side-swiped again. I don't know if my realization will change anything about my experience other than to help me understand a little better. However, understanding is good.
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Faith. Show all posts
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
General Anxiety
Has anyone ever had this feeling? I'm sure it's pretty common in a stressful life. I feel anxious. There really isn't a specific reason (at least not one that I am conscious of). It's just a more general feeling right now. My husband is feeling stressed and overloaded with everything he has to do for work, school, and our yard (I can only help minimally with the yard) so I'm sure his stress is rubbing off on me a little. However, I think it's more than that.
Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.
I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.
But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.
I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...
I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.
Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.
I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.
But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.
I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...
I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
RLB?
**p word warning: this post is mostly about my feelings during this pg**
I have been having trouble understanding the reality of how my life will change when this baby gets here. I think I have basically accepted that I am pg and that it is going to stick. I don't spend very much time freaking out or worrying anymore. And, I'm not completely petrified to tell people anymore. I am still waiting for the 2nd trimester, but it's a more a "just in case" reason rather than being scared out of my mind I will m/c at any moment.
The problem is, though, that I can't fully imagine how our life will change. I am so used to it being just the 2 of us. I can picture us holding a baby. I have ideas about how we will approach raising the baby. I just can't imagine the day in, day out reality of how my life will be completely different. I won't ever have to give this baby back to anyone. Which also means I won't be getting any sleep when the baby is sick, and I am responsible for changing all the diapers and cleaning up all the messes. Ironically, I have such a hard time imagining the reality of my situation that I still feel like I relate most to the blogs of ladies who are still ttc. I know that's kind of weird, but that't how I feel. Maybe I haven't accepted this pg as much as I thought I had...
This Easter mass I sat between 2 of my BIL's 4 kids and I loved it. I got a taste of what it will be like to be a mom teaching my kids about the mass. It was wonderful. I even appreciated the distractions. Whenever one of the girls was distracted, I took the opportunity to refocus her to what was happening in the mass (or, if it was a down time I prepped her for what was coming up).
So, I can sort of imagine all this stuff, but it doesn't really feel like it's happening to me. I don't really feel pg... Sure, I'm tired a lot and I get weird reactions to food sometimes, but I haven't gained any weight and all I have are a few pictures that could come from anyone's belly. I'm not complaining. I am thankful for the easy 1st tri. I just wish this experience felt more real to me. It doesn't feel like it's really happening to me. It all still feels surreal. I am thinking about renting a doppler so I can keep track of my baby's hb (and get reassurance that the pg is on track still). The one major fear I do have is that this pg will go to pot late in the 3rd tri and it will be the most heartbreaking pg ever.
------------------------------
In other news, this is my 100th post. I am actually kind of happy that my 100th post could be about a pg that has made it to 11w5d. I am almost to the breath-a-sigh-of-relief stage. Also, March 24th was my blogaversary. I guess Easter week has been a big week for me.
BTW, when exactly does the 3rd tri start? I have tried to look it up and it seems like everyone gives a different answer. If blogger will let me, I think I will post a poll.
Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. Maybe in my next post I will share a little more about my trip last weekend and my experience at Easter mass (that had nothing to do with the kiddos who were sitting next to me).
I have been having trouble understanding the reality of how my life will change when this baby gets here. I think I have basically accepted that I am pg and that it is going to stick. I don't spend very much time freaking out or worrying anymore. And, I'm not completely petrified to tell people anymore. I am still waiting for the 2nd trimester, but it's a more a "just in case" reason rather than being scared out of my mind I will m/c at any moment.
The problem is, though, that I can't fully imagine how our life will change. I am so used to it being just the 2 of us. I can picture us holding a baby. I have ideas about how we will approach raising the baby. I just can't imagine the day in, day out reality of how my life will be completely different. I won't ever have to give this baby back to anyone. Which also means I won't be getting any sleep when the baby is sick, and I am responsible for changing all the diapers and cleaning up all the messes. Ironically, I have such a hard time imagining the reality of my situation that I still feel like I relate most to the blogs of ladies who are still ttc. I know that's kind of weird, but that't how I feel. Maybe I haven't accepted this pg as much as I thought I had...
This Easter mass I sat between 2 of my BIL's 4 kids and I loved it. I got a taste of what it will be like to be a mom teaching my kids about the mass. It was wonderful. I even appreciated the distractions. Whenever one of the girls was distracted, I took the opportunity to refocus her to what was happening in the mass (or, if it was a down time I prepped her for what was coming up).
So, I can sort of imagine all this stuff, but it doesn't really feel like it's happening to me. I don't really feel pg... Sure, I'm tired a lot and I get weird reactions to food sometimes, but I haven't gained any weight and all I have are a few pictures that could come from anyone's belly. I'm not complaining. I am thankful for the easy 1st tri. I just wish this experience felt more real to me. It doesn't feel like it's really happening to me. It all still feels surreal. I am thinking about renting a doppler so I can keep track of my baby's hb (and get reassurance that the pg is on track still). The one major fear I do have is that this pg will go to pot late in the 3rd tri and it will be the most heartbreaking pg ever.
------------------------------
In other news, this is my 100th post. I am actually kind of happy that my 100th post could be about a pg that has made it to 11w5d. I am almost to the breath-a-sigh-of-relief stage. Also, March 24th was my blogaversary. I guess Easter week has been a big week for me.
BTW, when exactly does the 3rd tri start? I have tried to look it up and it seems like everyone gives a different answer. If blogger will let me, I think I will post a poll.
Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. Maybe in my next post I will share a little more about my trip last weekend and my experience at Easter mass (that had nothing to do with the kiddos who were sitting next to me).
Thursday, February 14, 2008
It All Comes Down to Trust
**Pregnancy talk warning** (skip if you want)
I am 5w6d today. I think I am starting to become comfortable with the idea of being pg. Last week I had to go to Tar.get for a few things and I found myself walking through the baby section and starting to plan. I ran some names past hubby to see what he thought. I'm starting to day dream. This is getting dangerous... I've never gotten this far in a pg before. I do have a few symptoms (tender bbies, constipation, slight nausea sometimes, fatigue almost every day). The symptoms coupled with the great beta numbers are basically what I'm counting on... I don't see the doc until the 22nd. By that time I will be 7w exactly. As long as my symptoms keep up and I don't have any cramps or spotting, then everything is a-ok, right? I have to think that way. Otherwise... I can't think about what the "otherwise" means.
** Pregnancy talk over**
I think this time in my life has been an exercise in trusting God. One way of looking at the last 2 years (or, for my whole life really) is to see everything that has happened as a different invitation to trust God and His ability to provide for me and give me what will bring true joy to my life, while at the same time giving me an opportunity to build up the kingdom. And, over the last 2 years I have felt the range of emotion when it comes to trusting God. At times I have had complete trust and at other times I have not felt one iota of trust. Recently, I've started to realize that my trust level varies depending on the topic. For most things in my life I have a lot of trust in God's providence. For example, when it comes to money I don't really worry about the future, even though money is REALLY tight and we don't really have a savings. But, for most of my life money has been really tight (if not non-existant) and everything has always worked out. I've always had everything I needed, just not necessarily everything I wanted (e.g. I still have never had an ipod). But, lack of money doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I worry from time to time, but it doesn't overwhelm me.
It's probably no surprise that the area I have difficulty trusting God with is my fertility. Yesterday I had a spiritual direction session (the first one since October!). Most of the session seemed to circle around this trust issue and around the meaning of suffering. One thing my director said that really stuck with me was that trust is an act of the will. I think I have heard this before, but it never really struck me as deeply. This past cycle I was kind of in the "fake it 'til you feel it" mode. I think that is a way of trusting with your will without having the feelings to back it up. I had been walking around feeling like a hypocrit, but now I don't think I was. I never lost my faith/belief in God. I was just very hurt. When I'm hurt I pull back and turn inward... protect the core...
I think I need to change how I see my suffering (easy to say, hard to do). I'm not quite sure what the modification fully looks like, but it starts with acknowledging that God didn't send me this suffering. I am not being punished. My head has known this, but I think I felt this way deep down. I do not "deserve" to be infertile (nobody does) nor did I do anything wrong to warrant a punishment like this. Secondly, suffering comes because we live in a fallen world. This world is not the way God originally planned it to be. Third, suffering can be redemptive. I'm not saying I think you have to suffer in order to get to heaven. However, I am saying that how you deal with the suffering you experience can bring you closer to God and help you better serve those around you.
The other day I was reading a reflection from Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) about the connection between the Eucharist and God's unconditional love. The Eucharist is the blueprint (so-to-speak) of how God's love is transformative. Jesus took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to the disciples. Those 4 words say it all: take, bless, break, give. Even Jesus himself was taken, blessed, broken, and given to the world... and it was the most loving thing the Father could do for us... and the most loving gift Jesus could give. We too are taken, blessed, broken, and given, if we allow it to happen. And, even though the breaking part really hurts, we are blessed before that. And, the breaking has a purpose: transformation for the benefit of others. For myself, at this moment, I need to focus on the blessing part so I can be ready to give. Otherwise, the breaking part has no meaning.
And, even though I just spent all that time talking about suffering, in this moment all is good. If nothing else I have a little break from the suffering. The break is nice, I have to say. I'm not really at the stage where I can feel complete joy (and only joy) but I'm trying to find my way there. Suffering allows us to feel the joy when it comes, right?
Well, this turned into a really long post... I think it's time to sign off for now.
I am 5w6d today. I think I am starting to become comfortable with the idea of being pg. Last week I had to go to Tar.get for a few things and I found myself walking through the baby section and starting to plan. I ran some names past hubby to see what he thought. I'm starting to day dream. This is getting dangerous... I've never gotten this far in a pg before. I do have a few symptoms (tender bbies, constipation, slight nausea sometimes, fatigue almost every day). The symptoms coupled with the great beta numbers are basically what I'm counting on... I don't see the doc until the 22nd. By that time I will be 7w exactly. As long as my symptoms keep up and I don't have any cramps or spotting, then everything is a-ok, right? I have to think that way. Otherwise... I can't think about what the "otherwise" means.
** Pregnancy talk over**
I think this time in my life has been an exercise in trusting God. One way of looking at the last 2 years (or, for my whole life really) is to see everything that has happened as a different invitation to trust God and His ability to provide for me and give me what will bring true joy to my life, while at the same time giving me an opportunity to build up the kingdom. And, over the last 2 years I have felt the range of emotion when it comes to trusting God. At times I have had complete trust and at other times I have not felt one iota of trust. Recently, I've started to realize that my trust level varies depending on the topic. For most things in my life I have a lot of trust in God's providence. For example, when it comes to money I don't really worry about the future, even though money is REALLY tight and we don't really have a savings. But, for most of my life money has been really tight (if not non-existant) and everything has always worked out. I've always had everything I needed, just not necessarily everything I wanted (e.g. I still have never had an ipod). But, lack of money doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I worry from time to time, but it doesn't overwhelm me.
It's probably no surprise that the area I have difficulty trusting God with is my fertility. Yesterday I had a spiritual direction session (the first one since October!). Most of the session seemed to circle around this trust issue and around the meaning of suffering. One thing my director said that really stuck with me was that trust is an act of the will. I think I have heard this before, but it never really struck me as deeply. This past cycle I was kind of in the "fake it 'til you feel it" mode. I think that is a way of trusting with your will without having the feelings to back it up. I had been walking around feeling like a hypocrit, but now I don't think I was. I never lost my faith/belief in God. I was just very hurt. When I'm hurt I pull back and turn inward... protect the core...
I think I need to change how I see my suffering (easy to say, hard to do). I'm not quite sure what the modification fully looks like, but it starts with acknowledging that God didn't send me this suffering. I am not being punished. My head has known this, but I think I felt this way deep down. I do not "deserve" to be infertile (nobody does) nor did I do anything wrong to warrant a punishment like this. Secondly, suffering comes because we live in a fallen world. This world is not the way God originally planned it to be. Third, suffering can be redemptive. I'm not saying I think you have to suffer in order to get to heaven. However, I am saying that how you deal with the suffering you experience can bring you closer to God and help you better serve those around you.
The other day I was reading a reflection from Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) about the connection between the Eucharist and God's unconditional love. The Eucharist is the blueprint (so-to-speak) of how God's love is transformative. Jesus took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to the disciples. Those 4 words say it all: take, bless, break, give. Even Jesus himself was taken, blessed, broken, and given to the world... and it was the most loving thing the Father could do for us... and the most loving gift Jesus could give. We too are taken, blessed, broken, and given, if we allow it to happen. And, even though the breaking part really hurts, we are blessed before that. And, the breaking has a purpose: transformation for the benefit of others. For myself, at this moment, I need to focus on the blessing part so I can be ready to give. Otherwise, the breaking part has no meaning.
And, even though I just spent all that time talking about suffering, in this moment all is good. If nothing else I have a little break from the suffering. The break is nice, I have to say. I'm not really at the stage where I can feel complete joy (and only joy) but I'm trying to find my way there. Suffering allows us to feel the joy when it comes, right?
Well, this turned into a really long post... I think it's time to sign off for now.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Lenten Plans
I can't believe Lent starts tomorrow! I know it is very early this year, but it really did sneak up on me. Thank you lifehopes for your post about your Lenten plans. It served as a kick in the butt for me to make some decisions about what I will do for Lent.
I have really struggled in my relationship with God lately, especially in the area of trust. I think I will take the opportunity of my Lenten penances to work on this relationship. I decided to post my Lenten penances on my blog so that I can be held accountable... To that end, here is what I have decided to do for Lent:
Prayer: I will pray every day, in the morning before I do anything else (except maybe eat breakfast...). I used to pray daily, but I have really gotten away from it for months. Lately I have only been praying during my weekly adoration hour (and even that is very distracted and half-hearted prayer sometimes).
Fasting: I will fast from TV in the mornings before going to work. I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV in the mornings for background noise while I get ready and cook and do dishes. I will also try to limit the amount of TV I watch in the evenings when I get home. Many nights my hubby doesn't come home until 10:30-11:00pm, so I often turn on the TV for company. Maybe I should start reading instead.
Almsgiving: This one is hard. Money is really tight right now so I hesitate to give any more of our treasure. I already give a lot of my time and talent to the church because I work there. I will look for an opportunity to give some time to something that will benefit someone or a group of people in need. I might help with our church's food bank or something. I used to volunteer at an advocacy center and help very poor and homeless people. I kind of miss that social justice work. I will look for some opportunities in the weeks to come. Maybe I can help with Catholic Charities. They recently opened a satelite office at our church. I might just go over tomorrow to see what they need.
In other news, I finally saw my doc today. I really do like him! He seemed very confident about this pg. He answered all my questions, which was helpful. Yes, I can take acidophilus to help ward off yeast infections. I am also going to start taking a calcium supplement since I am lactose intollerant. I affirmed my ideas about adding back some grains and a few fruits to my diet to try to stay more well-rounded in my diet. He said not to change too drastically though, especially since I have a few candida symptoms still (namely, mucus in my stool). He also said that since I have a history of m/c we should refrain from sex for the 1st trimester. I was a little disappointed to hear this, but hubby was pretty frustrated. The doc said that if we did have sex it most likely wouldn't cause a m/c, but that if a m/c were to happen the amount of guilt we would feel would be disproportionate. I think he's right. He also said that I should ease into exercise. I am supposed to stick with walking the first trimester, then in the 2nd trimester I can add some strength training, especially in the abdomen area. That made sense to me. I'm also supposed to keep taking the baby asprin. He didn't seem too concerned that I have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. He did say that I should be moderate with my diet though.
So, that is the update in a nutshell. I am scheduled to go in in 2 weeks for an ultra sound. By then we should be able to see a heartbeat. I think I will feel better after the ultra sound. It seems like the next major hurdle.
Ok, please forgive the ramblings of a desperate infertile woman grasping at straws that this pg is on the right track...
My progesterone has kicked in and I have that "drunk" feeling. I think I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for stickign with me!
I have really struggled in my relationship with God lately, especially in the area of trust. I think I will take the opportunity of my Lenten penances to work on this relationship. I decided to post my Lenten penances on my blog so that I can be held accountable... To that end, here is what I have decided to do for Lent:
Prayer: I will pray every day, in the morning before I do anything else (except maybe eat breakfast...). I used to pray daily, but I have really gotten away from it for months. Lately I have only been praying during my weekly adoration hour (and even that is very distracted and half-hearted prayer sometimes).
Fasting: I will fast from TV in the mornings before going to work. I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV in the mornings for background noise while I get ready and cook and do dishes. I will also try to limit the amount of TV I watch in the evenings when I get home. Many nights my hubby doesn't come home until 10:30-11:00pm, so I often turn on the TV for company. Maybe I should start reading instead.
Almsgiving: This one is hard. Money is really tight right now so I hesitate to give any more of our treasure. I already give a lot of my time and talent to the church because I work there. I will look for an opportunity to give some time to something that will benefit someone or a group of people in need. I might help with our church's food bank or something. I used to volunteer at an advocacy center and help very poor and homeless people. I kind of miss that social justice work. I will look for some opportunities in the weeks to come. Maybe I can help with Catholic Charities. They recently opened a satelite office at our church. I might just go over tomorrow to see what they need.
In other news, I finally saw my doc today. I really do like him! He seemed very confident about this pg. He answered all my questions, which was helpful. Yes, I can take acidophilus to help ward off yeast infections. I am also going to start taking a calcium supplement since I am lactose intollerant. I affirmed my ideas about adding back some grains and a few fruits to my diet to try to stay more well-rounded in my diet. He said not to change too drastically though, especially since I have a few candida symptoms still (namely, mucus in my stool). He also said that since I have a history of m/c we should refrain from sex for the 1st trimester. I was a little disappointed to hear this, but hubby was pretty frustrated. The doc said that if we did have sex it most likely wouldn't cause a m/c, but that if a m/c were to happen the amount of guilt we would feel would be disproportionate. I think he's right. He also said that I should ease into exercise. I am supposed to stick with walking the first trimester, then in the 2nd trimester I can add some strength training, especially in the abdomen area. That made sense to me. I'm also supposed to keep taking the baby asprin. He didn't seem too concerned that I have lost 10 pounds in the last 3 weeks. He did say that I should be moderate with my diet though.
So, that is the update in a nutshell. I am scheduled to go in in 2 weeks for an ultra sound. By then we should be able to see a heartbeat. I think I will feel better after the ultra sound. It seems like the next major hurdle.
Ok, please forgive the ramblings of a desperate infertile woman grasping at straws that this pg is on the right track...
My progesterone has kicked in and I have that "drunk" feeling. I think I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for stickign with me!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
The Non-Appointment
I wish I could say that my appointment today went as well as Trish's. Sadly, I had about the opposite experience. I would like to start off, though, by saying that my doctor is great! He is a good listener, he's aggressive enough when it's necessary, and he genuinely cares about how my husband and I are doing during this struggle. Unfortunately, my doc wasn't there today. Instead, I had to put up with his completely incompetent staff. I have had several issues in the past with them not reading my chart or reading it incorrectly in the past. Today was no different.
I was at the doctor's office for 2.5 hours and I never saw a doctor. First the front clerk asked if I still lived at the address from 6 months ago. I gave them my new address six months ago, which was on the paper she lifted up to look at the paper with my old address... Once I told her I gave them my updated info 6 moths ago she looked at the paper in her hand and said, "Oh, never mind, I see it now." Yeah. I have no words.
Then, after waiting for an hour, a nurse brought me to the back and had me pee in a cup. Then I waited in the mini waiting room in the back. After another hour the same nurse brought me to the lab tech to have a complete OB set of blood work taken. I was still fairly calm at this point because I knew they were still trying to catch up from having to evacuate yesterday. However, I did start to get annoyed when I asked when my lab results would be ready and the nurse walking by told me Friday morning. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous! I explained to the lab tech that I have a history of m/c. She told me that the results will actually come up on the printer at the office in the morning so she suggested I call and ask them to check tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do! Ater my labs they led me back to the waiting room rather than an exam room. Uuggh!
The last straw came 5 minutes later when the tech to the sonogram came to give me a sonogram. Um, hello! I'm only peak +17! You can't see anything yet! I didn't want to pay for something that wasn't going to give us any info. I explained that to the tech and the nurse (the same one that has been working with me the entire time). The nurse apologised and said that she mis-read my chart and thought I was there for my pregnancy from September. Again, I say, WHAT?!?!?!? Do I look like I am 6 months pregnant?? And, if that wasn't a big enough clue, what about the fact that 2 hours ago she is the one who gave me the cup to pee in to confirm my pregnancy!!!!! Doesn't anyone in this office know how to read a chart?? Uuggh!
At this point I was late for work. My doc wasn't there anyway and I didn't really want to ask the fill-in doc most of my questions because he doesn't know my history. Why should I pay for a consultation that won't give me any info? I just asked to re-schedule to see my doc on Friday when I had to come in for more labs anyway... I went to the front desk to schedule for Friday and she said that my doc wasn't going to be in on Friday. I just lost it.
I don't think these people understand what it's like to be scared out of your mind that a new pg is going to go kaput at any moment. When I started crying at the front desk the scheduler brought me to the office of the Office Manager to talk. I gave her a brief history of my infertility and my experience with the office workers and some of the nurses. She thanked me for telling her my honest experience and assured me that she is working on improving the situation. She scheduled me for follow up lab work on Friday and a consultation appt on Tuesday morning with my doc (the first available appt). I will follow up on my lab results tomorrow morning.
I still have a lot of questions that I'm very nervous about. If my progesterone numbers are low I will just go in tomorrow and see whatever doc is available. I have been worried that the prometrium isn't as affective as it needs to be and I might need to switch to shots. I don't want to m/c just because my doc was out of town and the office help couldn't get their act together!
When I left the doc's office I was so frustrated and scared I cried all the way home. I tried to keep myself calm enough not to burst into body shaking sobs. I know stress is not good for the baby. It's hard though. I am scared to death. It doesn't help that I am having some weird pinching cramps tonight on my L side. They are different than the feeling I'd been having up 'til today.
I don't know if all this stuff is happening to force me to trust God, or if it's all just a cruel series of coincidences. I wish I could get some reassurance somewhere though. I guess for now, the saga continues...
I was at the doctor's office for 2.5 hours and I never saw a doctor. First the front clerk asked if I still lived at the address from 6 months ago. I gave them my new address six months ago, which was on the paper she lifted up to look at the paper with my old address... Once I told her I gave them my updated info 6 moths ago she looked at the paper in her hand and said, "Oh, never mind, I see it now." Yeah. I have no words.
Then, after waiting for an hour, a nurse brought me to the back and had me pee in a cup. Then I waited in the mini waiting room in the back. After another hour the same nurse brought me to the lab tech to have a complete OB set of blood work taken. I was still fairly calm at this point because I knew they were still trying to catch up from having to evacuate yesterday. However, I did start to get annoyed when I asked when my lab results would be ready and the nurse walking by told me Friday morning. I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous! I explained to the lab tech that I have a history of m/c. She told me that the results will actually come up on the printer at the office in the morning so she suggested I call and ask them to check tomorrow. That is exactly what I plan to do! Ater my labs they led me back to the waiting room rather than an exam room. Uuggh!
The last straw came 5 minutes later when the tech to the sonogram came to give me a sonogram. Um, hello! I'm only peak +17! You can't see anything yet! I didn't want to pay for something that wasn't going to give us any info. I explained that to the tech and the nurse (the same one that has been working with me the entire time). The nurse apologised and said that she mis-read my chart and thought I was there for my pregnancy from September. Again, I say, WHAT?!?!?!? Do I look like I am 6 months pregnant?? And, if that wasn't a big enough clue, what about the fact that 2 hours ago she is the one who gave me the cup to pee in to confirm my pregnancy!!!!! Doesn't anyone in this office know how to read a chart?? Uuggh!
At this point I was late for work. My doc wasn't there anyway and I didn't really want to ask the fill-in doc most of my questions because he doesn't know my history. Why should I pay for a consultation that won't give me any info? I just asked to re-schedule to see my doc on Friday when I had to come in for more labs anyway... I went to the front desk to schedule for Friday and she said that my doc wasn't going to be in on Friday. I just lost it.
I don't think these people understand what it's like to be scared out of your mind that a new pg is going to go kaput at any moment. When I started crying at the front desk the scheduler brought me to the office of the Office Manager to talk. I gave her a brief history of my infertility and my experience with the office workers and some of the nurses. She thanked me for telling her my honest experience and assured me that she is working on improving the situation. She scheduled me for follow up lab work on Friday and a consultation appt on Tuesday morning with my doc (the first available appt). I will follow up on my lab results tomorrow morning.
I still have a lot of questions that I'm very nervous about. If my progesterone numbers are low I will just go in tomorrow and see whatever doc is available. I have been worried that the prometrium isn't as affective as it needs to be and I might need to switch to shots. I don't want to m/c just because my doc was out of town and the office help couldn't get their act together!
When I left the doc's office I was so frustrated and scared I cried all the way home. I tried to keep myself calm enough not to burst into body shaking sobs. I know stress is not good for the baby. It's hard though. I am scared to death. It doesn't help that I am having some weird pinching cramps tonight on my L side. They are different than the feeling I'd been having up 'til today.
I don't know if all this stuff is happening to force me to trust God, or if it's all just a cruel series of coincidences. I wish I could get some reassurance somewhere though. I guess for now, the saga continues...
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
More Waiting
Yeah. My doctor's office had to cancel my appointment today because they had to evacuate the building due to some fires started by stupid people throwing cigarettes on the ground! When I got that phone call I was so scared! I have another apt scheduled for tomorrow morning at 9am. That's one more day without knowing if my baby is growing on track. One more day without being able to ask all my questions. One more day without being able to re-evaluate all my scripts and make sure my hormone levels are on track. Unfortunately, Wed is my doc's surgery day so I have to see another doc in the practice. The doc I'm seeing is the doc I saw the first time I went to this practice. I asked to move to my doc because I thought this other guy was too green (he was fresh out of school) to handle my complicated situation. However, I will still get blood tests done, so that is good. Maybe I can talk to my doc on the phone for my other questions.
In the meantime, I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. I took my first dose of baby asprin (the last time I talked to my doc he said that he wanted me to start taking it when I got pregnant). I also went out and bought another pregnancy test. The good news is I am still pg. I was hoping that the line would be quite a bit darker, but it was about the same. I'm trying to convince myself it's because yesterday I tested with fmu and today I tested when I got home from work and I had a lot of water today. It was slightly reassuring to see the positive stick though. I am still feeling that pressure/pinching feeling in my abdomen. Other than that I still don't have any symptoms.
One of the first things I thought about when I heard my apt was cancelled was that God really wants me to trust completely in Him. Honestly, I don't know if I can right now. I want to. Or, at least I want to want to trust in Him completely. The most appropriate prayer for me right now is from St. Augustine, "I believe Lord, help my unbelief." This cycle I have tried to make decisions that show my trust in God (even if I don't really feel the trust at the time). Apparently, I need more opportunities to trust... God, please help me to be patient and trust in you.
In the meantime, I just couldn't sit back and do nothing. I took my first dose of baby asprin (the last time I talked to my doc he said that he wanted me to start taking it when I got pregnant). I also went out and bought another pregnancy test. The good news is I am still pg. I was hoping that the line would be quite a bit darker, but it was about the same. I'm trying to convince myself it's because yesterday I tested with fmu and today I tested when I got home from work and I had a lot of water today. It was slightly reassuring to see the positive stick though. I am still feeling that pressure/pinching feeling in my abdomen. Other than that I still don't have any symptoms.
One of the first things I thought about when I heard my apt was cancelled was that God really wants me to trust completely in Him. Honestly, I don't know if I can right now. I want to. Or, at least I want to want to trust in Him completely. The most appropriate prayer for me right now is from St. Augustine, "I believe Lord, help my unbelief." This cycle I have tried to make decisions that show my trust in God (even if I don't really feel the trust at the time). Apparently, I need more opportunities to trust... God, please help me to be patient and trust in you.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Suppressing My Feelings
**Long Post Warning!
I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.
The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!
This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.
Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.
I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.
Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...
OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.
I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.
The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!
This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.
Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.
I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.
Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...
OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What's in a Gift
One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Hope That Got Left Out
This morning I went back and read all the posts in my blog. (I may blog about the reason I did this later.) It is kind of odd to look at yourself with different eyes. I felt a little bit like I was visiting another blog and getting to know the author, but at the same time I felt like I was re-living our journey to this point. It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience and a flash back at the same time.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Ups and Downs
I am usually pretty steady in my emotions, but lately I have been pretty moody. I have been crying randomly and anxious much of the time and the smallest thing can throw me for a tailspin. It is really starting to wear on me. For example, yesterday I woke up in a decent mood. Right as we were leaving I went to grab the new insurance paperwork to put in my car and hubby told me that we had to make a copy of it. I said that I could just tear it in half because there were 2 copies on the page. He questioned me at first (because he hadn't looked at the paper closely). I took his questioning as a personal insult that I was not intelligent enough to read the paper... Uummm, can you say major over-reaction!?! I knew that it was an overaction, even in the moment, but I was still steaming mad. It took me a while to calm down so that I wasn't angry about it. Unfortunately, even when I let go of the anger, I still felt very anxious. Then hubby was worried about me so he started to hover, which only annoyed me more. Finally I told him to just go to school and I would deal on my own. I had to go away and pray for 20 minutes to calm myself down. When I sat down to pray I burst into tears. I wasn't crying for a particular reason. I was just overcome with a general sense of anxiety. I got myself under control, but I never really found peace all day.
Today was nice though. I woke up with more energy than normal. I did some yoga, went for a walk with hubby, pulled some weeds, took a shower, drove my NEW car to work (a silver Honda Fit, in case you're interested), and accomplished a couple things on my to do list at work. I was really tired when I got home, but overall it was a good day. I only felt a little bit of anxiety this afternoon, but that was because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my job. Since that happens on a regular basis, I don't really count it.
I hope I have more days like today. I am really tired of being so emotional! It really drains me. I know I need to pray more and exercise more. I am working on the exercise. I still have mixed feelings about praying. Sometimes I pray (or at least spend some time in silence with God) because I am so desparate I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really want to pray. Basically, I'm moody about my prayer time too. Man! I feel like I'm in junior high school again. It's like I have a perpetual case of PMS or something.
In other news, I started having fertile mucus yesterday and there was some brown spotting with it. I really hope it's not a sign of something bad. It could be that my endo is getting worse, or it could be that my progesterone is low again. My doc just increased my progesterone dosage for this cycle, so after I O I start the new dosage. After this cycle we can start TTC again, so I really don't want to have any major problems return!
OK, I'm so tired now I feel dead on my feet. I'm sending myself to my room... I hope everyone (as in all my wonderful loyal readers) is doing well!
OH, one more thing I forgot to tell you: My labs came back within normal range. However, since I have a history of having a clotting issue, my doc wants me to take baby asprin as soon as I get pregnant again. I asked the nurse to send me a copy of my lab results so I can look them up. I thought it was odd that he would want me to take baby asprin if I was really ok. The clotting issue I had was when I was 2 and my bone marrow stopped producing platelets for about 6 months. So, I didn't have too much clotting... I didn't have any clotting. Does anyone know anything about this?
K, bed for real now.
Today was nice though. I woke up with more energy than normal. I did some yoga, went for a walk with hubby, pulled some weeds, took a shower, drove my NEW car to work (a silver Honda Fit, in case you're interested), and accomplished a couple things on my to do list at work. I was really tired when I got home, but overall it was a good day. I only felt a little bit of anxiety this afternoon, but that was because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my job. Since that happens on a regular basis, I don't really count it.
I hope I have more days like today. I am really tired of being so emotional! It really drains me. I know I need to pray more and exercise more. I am working on the exercise. I still have mixed feelings about praying. Sometimes I pray (or at least spend some time in silence with God) because I am so desparate I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really want to pray. Basically, I'm moody about my prayer time too. Man! I feel like I'm in junior high school again. It's like I have a perpetual case of PMS or something.
In other news, I started having fertile mucus yesterday and there was some brown spotting with it. I really hope it's not a sign of something bad. It could be that my endo is getting worse, or it could be that my progesterone is low again. My doc just increased my progesterone dosage for this cycle, so after I O I start the new dosage. After this cycle we can start TTC again, so I really don't want to have any major problems return!
OK, I'm so tired now I feel dead on my feet. I'm sending myself to my room... I hope everyone (as in all my wonderful loyal readers) is doing well!
OH, one more thing I forgot to tell you: My labs came back within normal range. However, since I have a history of having a clotting issue, my doc wants me to take baby asprin as soon as I get pregnant again. I asked the nurse to send me a copy of my lab results so I can look them up. I thought it was odd that he would want me to take baby asprin if I was really ok. The clotting issue I had was when I was 2 and my bone marrow stopped producing platelets for about 6 months. So, I didn't have too much clotting... I didn't have any clotting. Does anyone know anything about this?
K, bed for real now.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
God Speaks (sort of)
It's kind of funny how God can speak in your life sometimes. This morning I spoke to 2 women who (coincidentally) shared their stories of struggle with IF and m/c. Both of them had heart-breaking stories (10 years of IF with 2 m/c's; 1 m/c and 1 still born at 22 wks with severe physical disabilities). Both women now have 3 children (and one is trying for a 4th). Both women basically told me that they believe that if you have a true desire in your heart for children God will grant your desire. Otherwise, God will take your desire away so you can move on. The second woman was surprised that she told me the whole story and kept saying "I don't know why I'm telling you this." Toward the end of the conversation I told her (briefly) that I had m/c'd last Sunday and had been ttc for a year and a half. She was very understanding and encouraging.
I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).
So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.
To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...
I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).
So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.
To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Intercessory Prayer
Even though I'm Catholic I never really fully understood intercessory prayer. I believed that the saints were close to God and, therefore, could pray for me just like my friends on earth pray for me. However, I always kind of thought that if I had a prayer request I would just talk to God myself. I don't know if this stemmed from a desire to be able to speak for myself (I'm pretty independent) or just a disbelief that one person's prayer would be more powerful or listened to more closely than another person's prayer. Afterall, doesn't God love all people (whether they're on earth or in heaven) equally?
Then, after a year and a half of heartbreak I finally get pregnant, only to loose the baby at 5 weeks. And now, I don't really feel like talking to God. It's not that my faith is shaken. I still believe in God. I just don't trust God. How could God give me my deepest wish, only to take it away? And, if he didn't take it away, why couldn't he stop the m/c? Miracles happen to other people. I'm not saying I think I'm entitled to a miracle, I'm just saying I don't understand why this happened. It really doesn't seem fair, especially when God is supposed to be "just." No, I'm not ready to talk to God right now. The only way prayer is happening is if someone prays on my behalf. And, for the first time, I feel like maybe God will listen to someone else's prayers more, because he obviously isn't listening to mine. So saints in heaven, please pray for me. If there's a saint who has a special heart for infertile women, please pray twice for me. Pray for me because I cannot pray on behalf of myself.
Then, after a year and a half of heartbreak I finally get pregnant, only to loose the baby at 5 weeks. And now, I don't really feel like talking to God. It's not that my faith is shaken. I still believe in God. I just don't trust God. How could God give me my deepest wish, only to take it away? And, if he didn't take it away, why couldn't he stop the m/c? Miracles happen to other people. I'm not saying I think I'm entitled to a miracle, I'm just saying I don't understand why this happened. It really doesn't seem fair, especially when God is supposed to be "just." No, I'm not ready to talk to God right now. The only way prayer is happening is if someone prays on my behalf. And, for the first time, I feel like maybe God will listen to someone else's prayers more, because he obviously isn't listening to mine. So saints in heaven, please pray for me. If there's a saint who has a special heart for infertile women, please pray twice for me. Pray for me because I cannot pray on behalf of myself.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
CD 4
I'm not really sure what to say. It's cd 4. I'm still having pretty sharp cramping (ibu.profin helps some but not totally) and bleeding with heavy clotting. We saw the doc yesterday. He told us the results of the beta tests and my numbers were going down. In a way I think I'm glad I didn't know that because it would have made the get-together with my friends on Saturday torturous. I think I passed the baby on Monday. I saved the tissue in case my doc wanted to test it, but he didn't think it was necessary because the outcome wouldn't change our approach for the future. He wants us to wait until I have 2 normal cycles before we start trying again. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it feels like our grieving is just being prolonged.
I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.
I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.
I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.
I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.
I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.
I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Persistence
So, the readings at church today were about prayer and persistence. The first reading (Gen 18:20-32) was the story of Abraham asking God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah for just 50, 45, 40, 30, 20, and finally 10 innocent people. The Psalm (Ps 138: 1-8) was about David's persistent life of prayer and God's fidelity to David because of it. The second reading (Col 2:12-14) was about God's persistent love for us, even through our continued sinfulness, and His constant forgiveness of our sins. The gospel (Luke 11:1-13) was when Jesus taught his disciples the Lord's Prayer, as well as taught them the parable of the persistent man who knocked on his friend's door until his friend let him in.
I have to say, these readings kicked my butt this morning! For a while I was doing pretty good with at least consistent daily prayer, but lately I have slipped back into a prayer void. I can feel a difference too. I feel very distant from God. I also feel restless and more stressed and anxious. The problem is, I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I guess working 50-60 hour weeks hasn't helped... It's hard to find energy for anything (even when you know that it will give you more energy in the long run) when you're exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, I go back and forth about actually wanting a better relationship with God.
I think that, deep down, I'm still upset with God for making it so difficult for us to have a baby. I had to wait forever to meet hubby, and experienced so much lonliness during the wait. I guess I had hoped that my heart break over being denied my heart's deepest desires was over. I mean, how much can one person take? I know that my suffering doesn't compare with the suffering others have to go through, but it hasn't been a cake walk either.
Anyway, back to the persistence in prayer. Abraham had the kind of relationship with God that he could ask God to change His plans, but do it in a way that it wasn't disrespectful. AND because of Abraham's faith in God (which I know can only be developed through persistent prayer) Abraham was eventually awarded with a child in his old age. [Normally I HATE stories of people who eventually got a child after 10+ years of infertility because I have a hard time looking past the 10+ years of suffering. Maybe I need to change my attitude...]
In regards to the gospel, the priest said that the point of the the parable of the persistent man was not that if you pray for something long enough God will eventually give it to you to get you to shut up (which was TOTALLY where my mind was going). The priest said that the point was that if you pray consistently you are developing your relationship with God so that you will better appreciate the gifts that God does give you.
Since I am still thinking sarcastic things in response to these readings, I guess I still have a long way to go. I'm so tired of being infertile. I'm also very worried that I will stay infertile until I manage to put my relationship with God first in my life. I "know" that I will probably be happier and more at peace when I finally manage to do this, but I find myself resisting it. I guess I resent the feeling that God is holding a baby over my head, like a ransom, until I manage to work out my relationship with him.
Have I mentioned that I have trust issues with God...? I haven't lost all the hope I felt last week, but I'm definitely feeling more pessimistic. I've also been having mood swings the past two days, so I'm sure that is affecting my outlook slightly...
In other news, today is CD 7. I should be gearing up to ovulate in the next week or so. So many people I know (online and in RL) are getting BFPs lately. I'm really hoping that it is contagious. I'm really sick of the IF crap. I'm ready to move on!
I have to say, these readings kicked my butt this morning! For a while I was doing pretty good with at least consistent daily prayer, but lately I have slipped back into a prayer void. I can feel a difference too. I feel very distant from God. I also feel restless and more stressed and anxious. The problem is, I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I guess working 50-60 hour weeks hasn't helped... It's hard to find energy for anything (even when you know that it will give you more energy in the long run) when you're exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, I go back and forth about actually wanting a better relationship with God.
I think that, deep down, I'm still upset with God for making it so difficult for us to have a baby. I had to wait forever to meet hubby, and experienced so much lonliness during the wait. I guess I had hoped that my heart break over being denied my heart's deepest desires was over. I mean, how much can one person take? I know that my suffering doesn't compare with the suffering others have to go through, but it hasn't been a cake walk either.
Anyway, back to the persistence in prayer. Abraham had the kind of relationship with God that he could ask God to change His plans, but do it in a way that it wasn't disrespectful. AND because of Abraham's faith in God (which I know can only be developed through persistent prayer) Abraham was eventually awarded with a child in his old age. [Normally I HATE stories of people who eventually got a child after 10+ years of infertility because I have a hard time looking past the 10+ years of suffering. Maybe I need to change my attitude...]
In regards to the gospel, the priest said that the point of the the parable of the persistent man was not that if you pray for something long enough God will eventually give it to you to get you to shut up (which was TOTALLY where my mind was going). The priest said that the point was that if you pray consistently you are developing your relationship with God so that you will better appreciate the gifts that God does give you.
Since I am still thinking sarcastic things in response to these readings, I guess I still have a long way to go. I'm so tired of being infertile. I'm also very worried that I will stay infertile until I manage to put my relationship with God first in my life. I "know" that I will probably be happier and more at peace when I finally manage to do this, but I find myself resisting it. I guess I resent the feeling that God is holding a baby over my head, like a ransom, until I manage to work out my relationship with him.
Have I mentioned that I have trust issues with God...? I haven't lost all the hope I felt last week, but I'm definitely feeling more pessimistic. I've also been having mood swings the past two days, so I'm sure that is affecting my outlook slightly...
In other news, today is CD 7. I should be gearing up to ovulate in the next week or so. So many people I know (online and in RL) are getting BFPs lately. I'm really hoping that it is contagious. I'm really sick of the IF crap. I'm ready to move on!
Monday, June 25, 2007
My Relationship with God
It's been a while since I blogged about my prayer life struggles so I thought I would post an update. I guess the update is kind of a mixed bag. I did find a spiritual director and have met with her several times and we are getting along pretty well. My prayer life has also improved. I have been praying more regularly, even daily, although this last week has been a little more spotty. I have been praying with the Psalms more, and that has been good too. The best thing, though, is that I'm feeling more comfortable with God. A couple months ago a friend made a comment to me that God was not sending infertility to me because He thought I would not be a good mom. Instead, God is crying with me in my sorrow and mourning. That really helped me stop and adjust my thinking. Since then it has been much easier for me to want to invite God into my life again. I have been imagining myself as a little girl sitting on God's lap and it feels safe. That is nice.
So, why is the update a mixed bag? It comes back to my trust issues again. I feel like God is calling me to rely in Him completely, not just partially. I still find myself struggling to trust. I don't really trust that I will get to be a mom, my deepest desire. I "know" that God puts our deepest desires in our hearts because they are signs of our vocation... at least the academic part of my head knows this. My heart is not so sure. Actually, it's probably more acurate to say that deep down I don't believe it will ever happen. Then, there's a little voice in me that remembers that I didn't believe I would ever be married, but then I met my wonderful DH and now we're ecstatically happy being married to each other. So, maybe I haven't lost all hope. I am trying to build off of this little sliver of hope to improve my trust in God. It's serving as my "proof" of God's trust-worthiness.
I'm so going to hell for not trusting God, even after everything He has already given me...
So, why is the update a mixed bag? It comes back to my trust issues again. I feel like God is calling me to rely in Him completely, not just partially. I still find myself struggling to trust. I don't really trust that I will get to be a mom, my deepest desire. I "know" that God puts our deepest desires in our hearts because they are signs of our vocation... at least the academic part of my head knows this. My heart is not so sure. Actually, it's probably more acurate to say that deep down I don't believe it will ever happen. Then, there's a little voice in me that remembers that I didn't believe I would ever be married, but then I met my wonderful DH and now we're ecstatically happy being married to each other. So, maybe I haven't lost all hope. I am trying to build off of this little sliver of hope to improve my trust in God. It's serving as my "proof" of God's trust-worthiness.
I'm so going to hell for not trusting God, even after everything He has already given me...
Spiritual Direction
4/1/07
My first concrete decision, given our current circumstances, is that I NEED to be in spiritual direction. I have thought I "should" be for a while, but I have been putting it off. The time has come where I feel it's imperative. A few months ago I had a preliminary meeting with a Carmelite priest, but I think I really need to meet with a woman. I got a recommendation from a good friend for a woman in our parish who directs. I plan on calling her tomorrow. As an added bonus, this woman is married, has adopted a child, and knows what it's like to not be able to have children. I think she will be able to help me cope with our situation. I am looking forward to having someone who can help me sort through everything. Hubby and I had a good talk yesterday, which was very helpful, but he can't help me figure out my identity issues (woman stuff...). Also, his relationship with God is different than mine. Therefore, we have some different spiritual needs. I think spiritual direction will help me with my specific journey.
My first concrete decision, given our current circumstances, is that I NEED to be in spiritual direction. I have thought I "should" be for a while, but I have been putting it off. The time has come where I feel it's imperative. A few months ago I had a preliminary meeting with a Carmelite priest, but I think I really need to meet with a woman. I got a recommendation from a good friend for a woman in our parish who directs. I plan on calling her tomorrow. As an added bonus, this woman is married, has adopted a child, and knows what it's like to not be able to have children. I think she will be able to help me cope with our situation. I am looking forward to having someone who can help me sort through everything. Hubby and I had a good talk yesterday, which was very helpful, but he can't help me figure out my identity issues (woman stuff...). Also, his relationship with God is different than mine. Therefore, we have some different spiritual needs. I think spiritual direction will help me with my specific journey.
Harden Not Your Heart
3/30/07
Our parish had a Mission this week lead by a Discalced Carmelite priest. After listening to two of his talks, I walked away with one main insight. The first line of the Morning Office, that he prays every day, is "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." He talked about how we often harden our hearts to God. How many times do we think we have an intimate relationship with God, but in fact it's a pretty surface relationship? True intimacy requires bearing open your hear and trusting (from that very vulnerable place of an open heart) that God will take good care of you. True intimacy can be scary, at least when you are first starting or feeling especially vulnerable. Real trust means being willing to say that, even if God's plan for you is NOT what you want, you truly believe that it will make you happier in the long run.
So... how am I doing with my intimate relationship with God?? Not too well. I definitely need to soften my heart. I definitely have "trust issues" when it comes to God. I'm not sure why. Although I waited a long time to find Hubby, I eventually did get to marry the most wonderful man in the world. I am very thankful every day for Hubby and I believe that God put us together. I would hope that this would be enough "proof" for me. I have been trying to focus on how wonderful my vocation as a wife has turned out. I know that Hubby and I needed to meet when we did (and not before) because that is when we were "ready" for each other. Now, I just have to figure out how to have faith that we will become parents when we are "ready."
As far as softening my heart, I think I just need to quit avoiding God (at least avoiding intimate experiences with God) and take a leap of faith. I think I'm scared about having to go through something painful before I can come out on the other side... However, my head knows that being separated from God is actually going to be the most painful thing. My heart still feels like I want some distance. Except, I find myself writing this blog and attending the Mission... Maybe the deepest parts of my heart are stirring and yearning for God??
Our parish had a Mission this week lead by a Discalced Carmelite priest. After listening to two of his talks, I walked away with one main insight. The first line of the Morning Office, that he prays every day, is "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." He talked about how we often harden our hearts to God. How many times do we think we have an intimate relationship with God, but in fact it's a pretty surface relationship? True intimacy requires bearing open your hear and trusting (from that very vulnerable place of an open heart) that God will take good care of you. True intimacy can be scary, at least when you are first starting or feeling especially vulnerable. Real trust means being willing to say that, even if God's plan for you is NOT what you want, you truly believe that it will make you happier in the long run.
So... how am I doing with my intimate relationship with God?? Not too well. I definitely need to soften my heart. I definitely have "trust issues" when it comes to God. I'm not sure why. Although I waited a long time to find Hubby, I eventually did get to marry the most wonderful man in the world. I am very thankful every day for Hubby and I believe that God put us together. I would hope that this would be enough "proof" for me. I have been trying to focus on how wonderful my vocation as a wife has turned out. I know that Hubby and I needed to meet when we did (and not before) because that is when we were "ready" for each other. Now, I just have to figure out how to have faith that we will become parents when we are "ready."
As far as softening my heart, I think I just need to quit avoiding God (at least avoiding intimate experiences with God) and take a leap of faith. I think I'm scared about having to go through something painful before I can come out on the other side... However, my head knows that being separated from God is actually going to be the most painful thing. My heart still feels like I want some distance. Except, I find myself writing this blog and attending the Mission... Maybe the deepest parts of my heart are stirring and yearning for God??
Tearing Up
3/25/07
I teared up in mass today. We were singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord."
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name
This song cut pretty close to home. I definitely felt like it was a challenge to me. Sometimes I want to embrace the pain of my situation and offer it to God and still be able to be gracious and "bless His name." And, sometimes I don't want bless God. Sometimes I am just upset with God and I want to avoid Him. My head tells me (from my many years of study...) that God did not send me infertility to punish me. My heart still hurts. I know God is trying to comfort me. A couple months ago I could not sleep for a few hours. It occurred to me that I might be having a "Samuel moment" and God was trying to get my attention. So, I said "Here I am Lord, I am listening." God just told me that he loved me. It made me cry. I had been avoiding God for a while. I still go to Sunday mass and pray with Hubby every morning and night. But, I haven't been spending quality time with God alone. I appreciate that He was trying to reach out to me and reassure me. I still don't feel like I am ready to pray again. I have moments of "break through" prayer, even when I'm distracted in mass. Usually it's music that leads me to prayer. But, I don't want to give myself over fully to those moments of prayer. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of breaking down in public (a very real possibility) or if I'm just avoiding looking at my sorrow in the face. Every month when my period comes I get very upset. The last time I failed to get pregnant I went to church and bawled my eyes out.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I don't know if I want to do something differently. Part of me thinks that spending more time with God will make it easier for me to handle this situation. Part of me thinks it will make it worse, or at least me my emotions more raw and near the surface. Maybe my defence mechanism of avoiding is healthy and just the way I have figured out to deal with the situation and still function in the rest of my life. Writing about it on this blog is my way of starting to look honestly at myself. I think I can only handle one peak at a time so I'm going to log now.
I teared up in mass today. We were singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord."
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name
This song cut pretty close to home. I definitely felt like it was a challenge to me. Sometimes I want to embrace the pain of my situation and offer it to God and still be able to be gracious and "bless His name." And, sometimes I don't want bless God. Sometimes I am just upset with God and I want to avoid Him. My head tells me (from my many years of study...) that God did not send me infertility to punish me. My heart still hurts. I know God is trying to comfort me. A couple months ago I could not sleep for a few hours. It occurred to me that I might be having a "Samuel moment" and God was trying to get my attention. So, I said "Here I am Lord, I am listening." God just told me that he loved me. It made me cry. I had been avoiding God for a while. I still go to Sunday mass and pray with Hubby every morning and night. But, I haven't been spending quality time with God alone. I appreciate that He was trying to reach out to me and reassure me. I still don't feel like I am ready to pray again. I have moments of "break through" prayer, even when I'm distracted in mass. Usually it's music that leads me to prayer. But, I don't want to give myself over fully to those moments of prayer. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of breaking down in public (a very real possibility) or if I'm just avoiding looking at my sorrow in the face. Every month when my period comes I get very upset. The last time I failed to get pregnant I went to church and bawled my eyes out.
I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I don't know if I want to do something differently. Part of me thinks that spending more time with God will make it easier for me to handle this situation. Part of me thinks it will make it worse, or at least me my emotions more raw and near the surface. Maybe my defence mechanism of avoiding is healthy and just the way I have figured out to deal with the situation and still function in the rest of my life. Writing about it on this blog is my way of starting to look honestly at myself. I think I can only handle one peak at a time so I'm going to log now.
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