Has anyone ever had the feeling of being so busy/overwhelmed that they keep a certain date in their head as their goal because "after that day things will be calmer!"? I seem to fall into this trap over and over and over. I don't know if it is the nature of my job, or if it is just life in general. I'm starting to wonder if this is not a healthy way to go through life. If nothing else, this approach has started to feel like an empty promise. Inevitably, I finally get to "the date" with a lot of built up stress and anticipation about "the promised land" (i.e. time off, or at least less rushing around) only to be disappointed with the realization that my to do list hasn't gotten any shorter, my calendar is still just as full (if not fuller) and there is a new "date" to shoot for. Sometimes I feel like I am walking through the desert to a watering hole only to arrive at the watering hole and find out it was a mirage.
Case in point: May 3rd has been my goal date for a couple months. May 3rd marked the official end of all kid oriented scheduling in my program for this school year. The rest of the events that I am responsible were supposed to be "minor" in comparison and are adult focused. May 3rd also marked the last Saturday I was scheduled to work until June 7th (ahh, weekend sleeping in bliss!). So, I woke up early on May 4th only to roll out of bed and go to work/church. It was the last day of another kid program in my department so I needed to be present. OK, I can handle that because it is a regular Sunday schedule for me. No biggie, right? Except, since I have been so focused on May 3rd, I forgot all the detail stuff I needed to finish for a departmental development day on Tuesday (today...). So, May 4th and 5th were spent squeezing the planning in between regularly scheduled work. Oh, and of course there are those training sessions the 4 Mondays of May that I have to be around for (luckily, I am not leading the training!!!).
What does this mean? It means that I worked a 13 hour day yesterday so that I would be prepared for last night's training and today's "fun and relaxing" development day. I means that I just swapped one set of stresses for a new set of stresses and that the break in the clouds I was promised (I promised to myself?) was a mirage. It means that I am feeling disillusioned by my own schedule.
Does anyone else have this problem? I am starting to feel like I need a different approach to life. I constantly feel like I am living for "someday" rather than living in the moment. Sure, I have brief encounters where I am able to appreciate the "here and now," but these are the exception not the rule. I feel like I am stuck. I have to plan ahead with my job! Otherwise I would be reduced to tears everyday, overwhelmed by the constant barrage of tasks and people that battle for my attention. In one sense, my schedule/calendar/to-do list is my saving grace. However, that same schedule/calendar/to-do list also serves to remind me that there is no end in sight. I need a break in the clouds. How do you create a space of calm in the midst of the storm?
I will gladly accept all suggestions, comments, and assvice.
Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Questions. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
What is this Feeling?
**P-Word mentioned**
-This post is mostly about how IF is affecting my view of this pg. Skip if you need to.
I have been experiencing an odd feeling lately. This weekend we decided to tell our parents about the pg.--mostly because DH was just so excited to share he couldn't hold back with his mom. I decided that if he told his mom I should tell my parents too (so they wouldn't feel like they were second class grandparents). Both sets of parents are aware of the problems in the past so both of them responded with cautious optimism. They all also know that we aren't telling the world at large until the 2nd trimester. Then, I think hubby was on a high so he told some friends on this online role-playing game we play (I wasn't going to mention anything to them until the 2nd trimester and he didn't talk to me first...). At least these friends don't know other people we know in real life... And, since we told parents, I felt like I should tell my sister (the only sibling I have). She actually had a great reaction and cried out of joy. She is also cautiously optimistic (knowing our background).
Now comes the part where I am conflicted. This weekend we are traveling to hubby's home town. I have a conference and hubby decided to come so he could see family and old friends. He hasn't been home for a year and a half and he is very excited. He wants to tell everyone on his side while we are there. I will be 8 weeks at that point. This is where I start to get nervous. I feel weird coming out of the IF closet. It feels weird to tell people about a bfp when they don't understand everything that lead up to this for us. Infertility Just Sucks recently posted about the struggle with telling people about a pg who don't understand the IF struggle. I really resonated with her urge to accompany the news with a clarification...
"It was really hard to get here. It took a long time and lot of faith, hope and money. I feel the need to offer a reason for why I'm just now pregnant. Part of me wants to raise awareness and another part just wants to let that painful chapter of my life close and be done with."
I, too, feel the need to temper the news with a, "Wait! Don't throw a party yet. I don't want you to jinx anything. It's not a sure thing that I will get a baby out of this deal." I also feel the need to bring up the specifics of what we have been through to get here. I want to say something like, "Well, it took 21 months, 2 m/c's, 1 surgery, months of acupuncture, and countless tests and pills, but we seem to finally have produced a viable pg." Unfortunately, I don't think this urge comes from the altruistic place of wanting to raise awareness of IF in general. I have the urge to say all that because I think, in some sick and twisted way, I want 'credit' (whatever that means) for all that we have been through to get to this point. At least, I think that is about half the reason for the comments.
The other reason is that I don't think I have truly made the mental leap from barren woman to pregnant lady. In a way I just feel like I'm walking around playing the part of a pregnant woman, but it's not real. It's like I'm an actor who is going to go home at the end of the day and go back to being my real self: the barren woman. If I temper pg news with all the IF baggage then I am 'keeping it real.' If I say all that stuff then I am not pretending. I can't experience this pg like some naive fertile woman, so why should anyone else be able to either?
My extended family and friends are not going to hear anything until the 2nd trimester. The only tricky thing about this weekend is that the co-workers who are also attending the conference with me CANNOT find out yet! My co-workers aren't invited to the family dinner Saturday, (where husband plans to make the announcement) and the in-laws know not to spill the beans when they bring us to and from the airport, so hopefully it will be ok. I don't think I could handle word getting out at work and then end up m/cing and have to tell everyone there won't be a baby after all... Frankly, that sounds like hell on earth.
So, how do I handle this weekend's announcement? Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn't say anything at all. But, hubby is so excited to be able to share this with his best friends I don't want to take that away from him. I guess I just gave myself my answer, didn't I? I should let hubby take the lead on the announcement. It is his family and friends. This particular announcement is more for him anyway, so he should be able to make it however he wants.
So, there you have it. Now that I have put these thoughts down in black and white I feel kind of weird about it. I know feelings are neither bad or good, but I feel kind of ashamed of some of the things I am feeling about this pg. Like I'm already a bad mother for not feeling like a mother yet and wanting credit for all the suffering I've been through... I swear, I will not be one of those mothers who constantly reminds their child how many hours she was in labor with them! Nor will I hold my IF struggles over my child's head! Gosh, my kid's not even here yet and I'm already feeling guilty about being a bad mom... Uugghh.
Oh, in other news... I have lost 4 pounds in the last week because of being sick. That puts me down at least 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm both ecstatic about this and a little worried. I've heard that a baby will take the nutrients it needs from the mom, so I'm just trying to focus on the positive...
-This post is mostly about how IF is affecting my view of this pg. Skip if you need to.
I have been experiencing an odd feeling lately. This weekend we decided to tell our parents about the pg.--mostly because DH was just so excited to share he couldn't hold back with his mom. I decided that if he told his mom I should tell my parents too (so they wouldn't feel like they were second class grandparents). Both sets of parents are aware of the problems in the past so both of them responded with cautious optimism. They all also know that we aren't telling the world at large until the 2nd trimester. Then, I think hubby was on a high so he told some friends on this online role-playing game we play (I wasn't going to mention anything to them until the 2nd trimester and he didn't talk to me first...). At least these friends don't know other people we know in real life... And, since we told parents, I felt like I should tell my sister (the only sibling I have). She actually had a great reaction and cried out of joy. She is also cautiously optimistic (knowing our background).
Now comes the part where I am conflicted. This weekend we are traveling to hubby's home town. I have a conference and hubby decided to come so he could see family and old friends. He hasn't been home for a year and a half and he is very excited. He wants to tell everyone on his side while we are there. I will be 8 weeks at that point. This is where I start to get nervous. I feel weird coming out of the IF closet. It feels weird to tell people about a bfp when they don't understand everything that lead up to this for us. Infertility Just Sucks recently posted about the struggle with telling people about a pg who don't understand the IF struggle. I really resonated with her urge to accompany the news with a clarification...
"It was really hard to get here. It took a long time and lot of faith, hope and money. I feel the need to offer a reason for why I'm just now pregnant. Part of me wants to raise awareness and another part just wants to let that painful chapter of my life close and be done with."
I, too, feel the need to temper the news with a, "Wait! Don't throw a party yet. I don't want you to jinx anything. It's not a sure thing that I will get a baby out of this deal." I also feel the need to bring up the specifics of what we have been through to get here. I want to say something like, "Well, it took 21 months, 2 m/c's, 1 surgery, months of acupuncture, and countless tests and pills, but we seem to finally have produced a viable pg." Unfortunately, I don't think this urge comes from the altruistic place of wanting to raise awareness of IF in general. I have the urge to say all that because I think, in some sick and twisted way, I want 'credit' (whatever that means) for all that we have been through to get to this point. At least, I think that is about half the reason for the comments.
The other reason is that I don't think I have truly made the mental leap from barren woman to pregnant lady. In a way I just feel like I'm walking around playing the part of a pregnant woman, but it's not real. It's like I'm an actor who is going to go home at the end of the day and go back to being my real self: the barren woman. If I temper pg news with all the IF baggage then I am 'keeping it real.' If I say all that stuff then I am not pretending. I can't experience this pg like some naive fertile woman, so why should anyone else be able to either?
My extended family and friends are not going to hear anything until the 2nd trimester. The only tricky thing about this weekend is that the co-workers who are also attending the conference with me CANNOT find out yet! My co-workers aren't invited to the family dinner Saturday, (where husband plans to make the announcement) and the in-laws know not to spill the beans when they bring us to and from the airport, so hopefully it will be ok. I don't think I could handle word getting out at work and then end up m/cing and have to tell everyone there won't be a baby after all... Frankly, that sounds like hell on earth.
So, how do I handle this weekend's announcement? Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn't say anything at all. But, hubby is so excited to be able to share this with his best friends I don't want to take that away from him. I guess I just gave myself my answer, didn't I? I should let hubby take the lead on the announcement. It is his family and friends. This particular announcement is more for him anyway, so he should be able to make it however he wants.
So, there you have it. Now that I have put these thoughts down in black and white I feel kind of weird about it. I know feelings are neither bad or good, but I feel kind of ashamed of some of the things I am feeling about this pg. Like I'm already a bad mother for not feeling like a mother yet and wanting credit for all the suffering I've been through... I swear, I will not be one of those mothers who constantly reminds their child how many hours she was in labor with them! Nor will I hold my IF struggles over my child's head! Gosh, my kid's not even here yet and I'm already feeling guilty about being a bad mom... Uugghh.
Oh, in other news... I have lost 4 pounds in the last week because of being sick. That puts me down at least 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm both ecstatic about this and a little worried. I've heard that a baby will take the nutrients it needs from the mom, so I'm just trying to focus on the positive...
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Baby Shower Question
Kathy recently posed the question about attending a baby shower. It was good to see everyone's response. It seems like everybody has their own way of dealing with baby showers, but most people said to do what you think is best for you.
I have a slight twist on the question and I was just looking for some feedback. This weekend is the baby shower my group of friends planned for all the preggos in our group. This is the shower that would have been partly for me if my first baby had kept on growing. Two of the ladies already have kids, but the third lady is pg with her first (honeymoon) baby. One of the ladies is about to pop with her 5th kiddo (5th in 6 years...). At first when I got the invite a few weeks ago I told the hostess that there was no way I could come (she knows why). Then, I got the bfp and it seems to be sticking (at least that is what I'm trying to convince myself of since there isn't any blood). Friday I told the hostess that I was pg (but she's the only friend I've told). I asked her if I could be a maybe until the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The shower is not going to be a typical shower since there are 3 ladies. We are just supposed to bring some diapers and a onesie to decorate. [I told the hostess (just after my 2nd m/c) that when I did finally manage to have a healthy pregnancy I wanted a kick-ass baby shower... She agreed.]
So, here's my question (and you may not even be able to answer this for me, but you're the only ones who might be able to put yourself in my shoes). Should I go? Should my attendance depend on how well my current pg is doing? I'm doing better these days, but I don't know if there are hidden emotions that will bubble up unexpectedly... What would you do in my shoes? I don't want to go and then be the wet blanket at the party. However, I would like to be able to celebrate new life with my friends.
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. My thoughts seem to be really scattered these days... I'm actually supposed to be working right now, but I can't concentrate on anything (except this pg...). Is there a 12 step program for people struggling with IF and m/c? I should probably be attending meetings...
I have a slight twist on the question and I was just looking for some feedback. This weekend is the baby shower my group of friends planned for all the preggos in our group. This is the shower that would have been partly for me if my first baby had kept on growing. Two of the ladies already have kids, but the third lady is pg with her first (honeymoon) baby. One of the ladies is about to pop with her 5th kiddo (5th in 6 years...). At first when I got the invite a few weeks ago I told the hostess that there was no way I could come (she knows why). Then, I got the bfp and it seems to be sticking (at least that is what I'm trying to convince myself of since there isn't any blood). Friday I told the hostess that I was pg (but she's the only friend I've told). I asked her if I could be a maybe until the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The shower is not going to be a typical shower since there are 3 ladies. We are just supposed to bring some diapers and a onesie to decorate. [I told the hostess (just after my 2nd m/c) that when I did finally manage to have a healthy pregnancy I wanted a kick-ass baby shower... She agreed.]
So, here's my question (and you may not even be able to answer this for me, but you're the only ones who might be able to put yourself in my shoes). Should I go? Should my attendance depend on how well my current pg is doing? I'm doing better these days, but I don't know if there are hidden emotions that will bubble up unexpectedly... What would you do in my shoes? I don't want to go and then be the wet blanket at the party. However, I would like to be able to celebrate new life with my friends.
Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. My thoughts seem to be really scattered these days... I'm actually supposed to be working right now, but I can't concentrate on anything (except this pg...). Is there a 12 step program for people struggling with IF and m/c? I should probably be attending meetings...
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Cramping
Is it normal to have cramping in early pregnancy? I have had cramping basically continuously since about 11dpo. It's not the full-on cramps I usually get with AF, but the nagging mini cramps I usually get to warn me AF is coming. I'm trying not to obsess or worry too much. I haven't seen any blood when I wipe. I know I have endo, so maybe that's why I have cramps. It is a little annoying though, especially since life has been stressful lately.
In other news, hubby was told today that he did not get a job that he was a top candidate for. I am disappointed. He seems to be taking it better than I am. I really hope he is able to find a job soon, and one that he enjoys.
In other news, hubby was told today that he did not get a job that he was a top candidate for. I am disappointed. He seems to be taking it better than I am. I really hope he is able to find a job soon, and one that he enjoys.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Odd Symptoms
So, I'm 7dpo and I have been having some odd symptoms this cycle (but, unfortunately, they're not symptoms that make me think I'm pg...). I'm not sure what to make of them. I am taking Progesterone, so that might have something to do with the symptoms, but I have been taking progesterone for a while, so I'm kind of skeptical... WARNING: Some of these may be TMI...
At 3dpo my boobs were really heavy (but not sore)-- this might have been due to the progesterone
At 4dpo I had lost 2 pounds from my weight leading up to and on O day
At 6dpo I had to go to the potty (#2) 4 times
At 7dpo (today) I have been moody, visited the potty 6 times (2 of them diarrhea), been bloted and gassy.
Oh, and I was extremely tired this past week, but I think it was due to working a ton of over-time and not getting good sleep or enough sleep. Besides, fatigue due to being pg wouldn't kick in until after implantation, right?
I don't think I ate anything that was bad, but I supposed it's possible. It doesn't explain the heavy boobs, moodiness and weight loss though. I looked at my old charts and I do seem to have to visit the bathroom more during this part of my cycle (which I think is just odd in general...), so maybe this cycle is "normal" for me and I just never noticed the other sympotms before? My cycle is usually such a roller coaster that it wouldn't surprise me if I missed symptoms because I thought they were just part of my "normal" crazy self...
Anyway, I know the calendar says I'm only 7dpo, but I feel like time has been standing still in this 2ww... It feels like I O'd a month ago. All I can say is that I'm glad to be pretty confident that I did, in fact, O. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get another 2 pink lines this week, but on a pg stick instead of an opk? =)
At 3dpo my boobs were really heavy (but not sore)-- this might have been due to the progesterone
At 4dpo I had lost 2 pounds from my weight leading up to and on O day
At 6dpo I had to go to the potty (#2) 4 times
At 7dpo (today) I have been moody, visited the potty 6 times (2 of them diarrhea), been bloted and gassy.
Oh, and I was extremely tired this past week, but I think it was due to working a ton of over-time and not getting good sleep or enough sleep. Besides, fatigue due to being pg wouldn't kick in until after implantation, right?
I don't think I ate anything that was bad, but I supposed it's possible. It doesn't explain the heavy boobs, moodiness and weight loss though. I looked at my old charts and I do seem to have to visit the bathroom more during this part of my cycle (which I think is just odd in general...), so maybe this cycle is "normal" for me and I just never noticed the other sympotms before? My cycle is usually such a roller coaster that it wouldn't surprise me if I missed symptoms because I thought they were just part of my "normal" crazy self...
Anyway, I know the calendar says I'm only 7dpo, but I feel like time has been standing still in this 2ww... It feels like I O'd a month ago. All I can say is that I'm glad to be pretty confident that I did, in fact, O. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get another 2 pink lines this week, but on a pg stick instead of an opk? =)
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Adopting an Embryo?
Has anyone ever heard of this? A friend of mine in real-life (who also struggles with IF) told me about this today. I didn't realize that you could adopt other people's frozen and unwanted embryos. I Goo.gled it and got a couple sites, but haven't had a chance to read very much yet. I'm just curious if anyone out there has heard of this or done this? Or, do you know someone else who has done this? I'm wondering how successful it is. I wonder if there is a higher incidence of miscarriage if the embryo is not a genetic match to the birth mother. Are there ever rejection issues with the mom's body? Is it kind of like being a surrogate mother, except you adopt the baby? I just have so many questions! It seems like it might be a good option for someone who has issues conceiving but wants to experience pregnancy and the entire life of their child. Any feed back from people in blogland would be welcome!
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