Today was a very emotional day. First of all it's my 2nd wedding anniversary. I love my husband more than I thought it was possible to love another person. He is my hero in many ways (he saved me from a life of loneliness) and he is my best friend. We went out to breakfast this morning because it was the only time we would have together. It was good to spend time together, but it wasn't very relaxing. Hubby was stressing about about is work/school load (he's been feeling very overwhelmed). I was feeling anxious this morning because it's 11dpo. I really wanted to give my hubby a bfp today. I got a bfn this morning. I couldn't wallow in anxiety too long because after we got back from breakfast hubby's overwhelmed feeling became too much for him and he freaked out a little and I had to help him.
Then, I got to work. My first appointment cancelled on me, so I don't have some info I need for another meeting I have tomorrow. Then, I had to put out some fires with some volunteers (but this is not necessarily unusual). Then, a co-worker called me because she was upset with some things I had submitted. She was rude to me about it on the phone about it, which pissed me off. It was kind of the last straw for me since I have been really struggling with this co-worker lately. To make a long story short we had a series of exchanges that made me angrier than I have ever been (except for a couple times I have fought with my mom). By the end of the night I was so angry I had to shut my door and cry. I didn't know what else to do and I had so much anger welling up. I was so upset that I finally just left. There was no way I was going to be able to focus long enough to get any work done. When I got home I did an aerobic and weights workout to try and get rid of my excess energy. After my workout I went to the bathroom and saw some red on the TP. Of course, the sobbing started all over again.
My worst nightmare for this Advent has come true, and it happened on my anniversary. I didn't get to give my husband a bfp for our anniversary. Instead, I don't get to see him most of the day (he won't be home until almost 1am tonight) and I'm starting my period. What makes it worse is that I really thought I was pg this cycle. I don't think I will ever trust my symptoms again.
Today sucked! And now, I get to watch all the preggos at church (I work at my church, so I get more than my fair share) and listen to all of the stories of Mary's pg all season.
Happy Anniversary to me.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
I've Become "That Girl"
I woke up this morning and my bbies were still sore. Also, I started feeling a little bit nauseaus during the night and it hadn't gone away. So, what was the first thing I thought of doing (remember, I'm only 8dpo)? POAS, of course! Yes, I am "that girl," the one who POAS too soon. I thought that maybe I was "really" pg this time because I am having such strong symptoms. I thought maybe my HCG levels would have been high enough to show up on a test because my symptoms are so early and so strong.
So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...
OK, shower time.
So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...
OK, shower time.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Symptoms, Part 2
It just hit me that my hope for this cycle just sky-rocketed... which means that if I'm not pg, I will be that much more upset. Now I'm scared.
Symptoms
Well, today is 7dpo (I was wrong on my counting yesterday when I said I was 5dpo) and I think I have a couple symptoms today. This afternoon I felt a twinge that felt similar (although less intense) to the implantation cramps I had on my bfp cycle. That wasn't what excited me though. Tonight I was changing into comfortable clothes and accidentally grazed my bbie... and it was SORE! Sore bbies was really the only real symptom I had during my bfp cycle because I m/c'd so soon. That cycle I had 1 day of tender bbies on 8dpo and then nothing until my poas positive on 16dpo. I am hoping that the strength of the soreness and the earliness of the symptom are a good sign...
The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.
Ok, time to take my progesterone!
The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.
Ok, time to take my progesterone!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Waiting, Again
I'm officially in my first tww since my m/c. I am 5dpo today. This cycle was a little weird. I thought I had ovulated on cd7 because of ovulation pains and CM, but then on cd 11 I got ewcm even though I had already taken a day's dosage of progesterone. So, I had to stop the progesterone and hope that I didn't preempt my ovulation. I never got a positive opk during either "fertile" period, so who knows what happened for sure.
I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.
We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.
The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!
Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...
God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.
I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.
We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.
The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!
Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...
God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What's in a Gift
One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Hope That Got Left Out
This morning I went back and read all the posts in my blog. (I may blog about the reason I did this later.) It is kind of odd to look at yourself with different eyes. I felt a little bit like I was visiting another blog and getting to know the author, but at the same time I felt like I was re-living our journey to this point. It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience and a flash back at the same time.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
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