Well, the tears are back. The last few weeks I seem to have a teary day followed by an ok day followed by another teary day. Of course, there are also the teary days followed by another teary day too... I just don't seem to get many good days followed by another good day.
One of the things that pushed me over the edge today was an email by my co-worker whose wife had a baby last week.
Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I just want to let you know that even in the excitement of the last week for Lindsay and me, I’ve held your struggles in my heart. You are not alone in your desire to have children and your feelings of disappointment at that prayer seeming to go unanswered… at least thus far. I pray for you, Shari, Renee, and many others that are attempting to come to grips with these circumstances… Lindsay and I both have taken a very intentional approach every time we are awakened in the middle of the night to remember you all in prayer. We accept the tiredness and lack of sleep and offer it up for all those who desire children and for whatever reason haven’t had that joy yet. Every time someone asks about how tired I am, or should be, I remember you guys.
My mother had several miscarriages and lost my oldest sister at about 4 days old. Though we never met, somehow, I’ve always had some connection to my oldest sister in heaven feeling like she was the one looking out for me in the darkest days of my depressions. I wrote a song about her. My mom ended up having 10 more kids including me after 40, so don’t lose hope, you are not forsaken, God has a plan for joy for you even if you can’t see it. Remember, you’ve got a little angel in heaven that is a product of the love you and your husband share.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are loved and supported. God has wonderful things in store for you and he is hearing your prayers. Don’t give up.
I was genuinely touched reading this email. Of course, I was crying half way through the first paragraph... For someone who has no experience of infertility (they conceived their 2nd month of marriage) he is very sympathetic. I appreciate that he takes the time to remember us infertiles as he is going through the "pains" of having a newborn. I appreciate that he doesn't get swept up in the fertile world's ignorance (ignoring) of us "poor" infertiles. I wish more people would attempt to keep us in mind. Sometimes being Catholic is hard because I am around a lot of people with large families. And, they're not just people with large families... They are people with large families who feel like the world conspires against them so they constantly feel the need to defend the "rightness" of having a large family. I hear a lot of complaining about comments and looks people get because they have 6 kids... "Are they ALL yours?" "Don't you know how to control yourselves?" "How do you afford all of them?" I just sit there listening, thinking to myself, "I would give almost anything to switch places with you!"
One consequence of my struggle with infertility is that I look at other families much differently now. Before experiencing IF when I saw a family with odd spacing of children, or a couple who had been married for a while and didn't have children, I used to think that they didn't want children or were possibly being selfish in some way. I was such an idiot! Now when I see odd spacing or a childless couple I say a prayer for them. They may not all have struggled with IF, but I bet most of them have.
OK, I feel like I'm just rambling at this point so I will log off for tonight.