Our parish had a Mission this week lead by a Discalced Carmelite priest. After listening to two of his talks, I walked away with one main insight. The first line of the Morning Office, that he prays every day, is "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." He talked about how we often harden our hearts to God. How many times do we think we have an intimate relationship with God, but in fact it's a pretty surface relationship? True intimacy requires bearing open your hear and trusting (from that very vulnerable place of an open heart) that God will take good care of you. True intimacy can be scary, at least when you are first starting or feeling especially vulnerable. Real trust means being willing to say that, even if God's plan for you is NOT what you want, you truly believe that it will make you happier in the long run.
So... how am I doing with my intimate relationship with God?? Not too well. I definitely need to soften my heart. I definitely have "trust issues" when it comes to God. I'm not sure why. Although I waited a long time to find Hubby, I eventually did get to marry the most wonderful man in the world. I am very thankful every day for Hubby and I believe that God put us together. I would hope that this would be enough "proof" for me. I have been trying to focus on how wonderful my vocation as a wife has turned out. I know that Hubby and I needed to meet when we did (and not before) because that is when we were "ready" for each other. Now, I just have to figure out how to have faith that we will become parents when we are "ready."
As far as softening my heart, I think I just need to quit avoiding God (at least avoiding intimate experiences with God) and take a leap of faith. I think I'm scared about having to go through something painful before I can come out on the other side... However, my head knows that being separated from God is actually going to be the most painful thing. My heart still feels like I want some distance. Except, I find myself writing this blog and attending the Mission... Maybe the deepest parts of my heart are stirring and yearning for God??