Friday, November 30, 2007

I've Become "That Girl"

I woke up this morning and my bbies were still sore. Also, I started feeling a little bit nauseaus during the night and it hadn't gone away. So, what was the first thing I thought of doing (remember, I'm only 8dpo)? POAS, of course! Yes, I am "that girl," the one who POAS too soon. I thought that maybe I was "really" pg this time because I am having such strong symptoms. I thought maybe my HCG levels would have been high enough to show up on a test because my symptoms are so early and so strong.

So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...

OK, shower time.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Symptoms, Part 2

It just hit me that my hope for this cycle just sky-rocketed... which means that if I'm not pg, I will be that much more upset. Now I'm scared.


Well, today is 7dpo (I was wrong on my counting yesterday when I said I was 5dpo) and I think I have a couple symptoms today. This afternoon I felt a twinge that felt similar (although less intense) to the implantation cramps I had on my bfp cycle. That wasn't what excited me though. Tonight I was changing into comfortable clothes and accidentally grazed my bbie... and it was SORE! Sore bbies was really the only real symptom I had during my bfp cycle because I m/c'd so soon. That cycle I had 1 day of tender bbies on 8dpo and then nothing until my poas positive on 16dpo. I am hoping that the strength of the soreness and the earliness of the symptom are a good sign...

The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.

Ok, time to take my progesterone!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Waiting, Again

I'm officially in my first tww since my m/c. I am 5dpo today. This cycle was a little weird. I thought I had ovulated on cd7 because of ovulation pains and CM, but then on cd 11 I got ewcm even though I had already taken a day's dosage of progesterone. So, I had to stop the progesterone and hope that I didn't preempt my ovulation. I never got a positive opk during either "fertile" period, so who knows what happened for sure.

I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.

We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.

The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!

Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...

God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

What's in a Gift

One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.

A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.

So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.

That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.

So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.