Waiting, Again

I'm officially in my first tww since my m/c. I am 5dpo today. This cycle was a little weird. I thought I had ovulated on cd7 because of ovulation pains and CM, but then on cd 11 I got ewcm even though I had already taken a day's dosage of progesterone. So, I had to stop the progesterone and hope that I didn't preempt my ovulation. I never got a positive opk during either "fertile" period, so who knows what happened for sure.

I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.

We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.

The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!

Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...

God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.