Saturday, August 25, 2007

Drugs, Surgery, or ???

The question at hand is how to deal with (or not?) endometriosis. I was diagnosed (by laparoscopy) with endo in March. Unfortunately, my doctor couldn't remove most of the endo because it was too near a major artery (around my ureter). I went to acupuncture for 12 visits in an attempt to treat the endo. For a couple months my pain and bleeding were improved. I was hopeful. (TMI Warning) During my last period the blood flow was heavier (but fewer days) and with heavy clotting. With the return of the clotting came my fears of the endo returning (or just getting worse?).

I wanted to call my OBGYN and schedule an appointment to discuss if any action should be taken. Last we talked it was agreed that hubby and I would try things the old-fashioned way for a couple months at least. Hubby thinks that I am too quick to react and we don't give anything a chance to work. He may be right. I do feel a sense of urgency because my biological clock is screaming in my ear. We have decided to wait at least 1 more month so we could at least establish that both of my ovaries are working and I am ovulating.

Despite the current "wait and see" approach, we have been discussing possible approaches to treating my endo. I have to say that none of the options make me very happy. That's why I went to acupuncture... Unfortunately, acupuncture is expensive (even though I had a pretty good discount, it's still not covered by my insurance). I stopped going because I ran out of money. That hasn't changed...

What are the other options? Surgery? Lu.pron? Ignore and hope? Needless to say, all of these options have negative aspects. I know surgery has the best record for keeping endo down for a length of time. Unfortunately, because of where my endo is, I would need to find a specialist to do another surgery for me, and I'm not sure it can be done laproscopically. I've also been told the surgery would be a higher risk because of the placement of the endo. My hubby does NOT want me to have surgery. He is scared of the risks.

Lu.pron: I'm not very excited about this for several reasons. First, it would mean at least 6 months off from TTC. And, that is assuming that my cycles start right away after the lu.pron wears off... What happens if my cycles don't start right away after taking lu.pron? What if shutting down my hormones and woman parts makes things worse? What if my hormones are so out of wack when we're done that nothing works right? What if my ovaries like being shrivelled up? I'm almost 31. I'm scared.

I'm also scared of not doing anything. What if I wait too long to take action and then by the time I do take action it's too late? What if I wait and things get worse? It's so frustrating trying to make a decision because nothing is clear-cut. And, there are no guarantees, no matter what we decide... How do we decide what to do? At this point I am hoping I get the BFP this month and we don't have to make any decisions...

OPK Results?

I POAS today and I'm not sure what the results mean. I tried to take a picture, but I couldn't get the picture to come out clear enough. The test line was just barely lighter than the cover line. According to the directions, this officially means that the result is negative (doesn't it?). However, I didn't completely refrain from drinking liquid for 2 hours so the test may be diluted... This is why I find POAS so frustrating... it seems like the results should be concrete and infallible, but they're not. There is always something that brings the results into question. So, I will dutifully report on my chart that the opk test result for today was negative, but I will also write a note in the notes section that the test line was almost dark enough to be positive.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Sometimes I Hate it When I'm Right...

AF showed this morning (accompanied by cramps and heavy clotting). Now, in addition to being sad that my worries were confirmed, I'm also worried that my endo is getting worse again. Hubby and I are discussing possible options. I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Foreshadowing Twinge

Sometimes I like to know what is going to happen, and sometimes I prefer to stay in suspense, depending on the subject and the situation. If I am reading a book, especially a mystery or adventure book, I tend to like foreshadowing because I like to try to figure out what will happen. In my real life, it's about a 50/50 split on whether I like foreshadowing. I tend to be a planner, so it is nice to have a glimpse so I can plan. However, I do go through periods of wanting to be spontaneous. I also like good surprises.

Given the above, I guess, overall, I am glad that I get twingy cramps a few days before my period. It makes the suspense and torturous waiting of the 2ww over a little earlier. Unfortunately, it also cuts off, just that much sooner, the little bit of hope that I have managed to muster...

So, I am 9do and I felt the twinge this morning, right at the end of mass. I know I shouldn't give up until the B*tch shows, but it's too hard to hold onto hope when I'm 99% sure that I failed again. I know my body pretty well, and this is what it always feels like a few days before AF. Granted, I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what that feels like. I also know that many people report being sure they weren't pg, when they in fact were. So, I'm leaving a 1% chance I could fall into that category this month.

I'm feeling very frustrated right now. I want to know what we did wrong. I definitely ovulated. Hubby's numbers are looking decent (if not good). We timed everything right. My endo seems under control. I've even lost some weight. Granted, I could stand to loose about 40lbs more, but the scale is definitely going down. That should count for something, right? I know I haven't been at this as long as some (only a year and a half) and that I'm not as old as some (I'll be 31 in October). However, I definitely feel the biological clock screaming at me. I really feel like we are meant to have at least 3 kids. If we are going to get them in before I turn 35 (you know, the magic number...) we've got to get crackin! I know that's a lot of pressure to put on myself. At this point, I'm feeling like we might not even get 1 kiddo before I'm 35... At least not biologically. We don't have money for adoption right now. Besides, I really want to experience motherhood from the beginning. I want to have a baby (not start with a toddler). I know we could love an adopted child just as much, but I think I would always feel like we were cheated out of some of the parenting experience.

IF SUCKS! I hate this.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Odd Symptoms

So, I'm 7dpo and I have been having some odd symptoms this cycle (but, unfortunately, they're not symptoms that make me think I'm pg...). I'm not sure what to make of them. I am taking Progesterone, so that might have something to do with the symptoms, but I have been taking progesterone for a while, so I'm kind of skeptical... WARNING: Some of these may be TMI...

At 3dpo my boobs were really heavy (but not sore)-- this might have been due to the progesterone
At 4dpo I had lost 2 pounds from my weight leading up to and on O day
At 6dpo I had to go to the potty (#2) 4 times
At 7dpo (today) I have been moody, visited the potty 6 times (2 of them diarrhea), been bloted and gassy.
Oh, and I was extremely tired this past week, but I think it was due to working a ton of over-time and not getting good sleep or enough sleep. Besides, fatigue due to being pg wouldn't kick in until after implantation, right?

I don't think I ate anything that was bad, but I supposed it's possible. It doesn't explain the heavy boobs, moodiness and weight loss though. I looked at my old charts and I do seem to have to visit the bathroom more during this part of my cycle (which I think is just odd in general...), so maybe this cycle is "normal" for me and I just never noticed the other sympotms before? My cycle is usually such a roller coaster that it wouldn't surprise me if I missed symptoms because I thought they were just part of my "normal" crazy self...

Anyway, I know the calendar says I'm only 7dpo, but I feel like time has been standing still in this 2ww... It feels like I O'd a month ago. All I can say is that I'm glad to be pretty confident that I did, in fact, O. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get another 2 pink lines this week, but on a pg stick instead of an opk? =)

Friday, August 3, 2007

United Nations

You're the United Nations!
Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Thank you to Amy who lead me to Niobe who lead to The Country Quiz. Apparently, I am not really a country, but instead choose to be the United Nations. I actually think that might be accurate. Interesting. I'll have to think about the implications of that some more...

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My first positive!

I finally got 2 lines.... on an OPK. It still was a little exciting to see 2 lines. At least my pee is capable of producing 2 lines on something... And, I was worried that I wasn't ovulating, so it was good to get some kind of concrete sign that the O is happening. I had to test at work (so uncomfortable) so I don't have a camera with me. If my lines are still there when I get home I will post a picture. My test line was quite a bit darker than the cover line. I'm assuming that means it's a strong ovulation. (If it doesn't, will someone please tell me!?!) We have been trying to do a mega boogie marathon, but yesterday was day four and we were just really tired. Hopefully tonight will go smoothly... it's going to be a long day for both of us...