Monday, December 31, 2007


It's 12dpo. My temp was still up this morning. First Response says I'm not pg. =(

More Symptoms

Is tingling in your uterine area a pg symptom? I am having a very odd sensation right now. It doesn't hurt. It's like a burning that tingles. I've had some mini cramps today too, but they were a little different than my usual pms cramps. I'm trying not to put too much stock into this... However, I usually get some CM the day or 2 before AF and the TP has been dry and white. My bbies aren't sore at all though... they're not even tender. I guess tomorrow will be very telling. The tingling is weird though.

Saturday, December 29, 2007


I hate the 2ww! I feel so anxious and every little thing seems to be a symptom... I just took a shower and I swear my areolas looked darker. My temp has been up for 3 days, since 8dpo and even though my temp is usually low my chart looks like it *could* be triphasic. I have also felt some slight shooting cramps a few times over the last few days and I have been exhausted all day. I took 2 naps today. And, the thing that's really screwing with my head, some things smell and taste weird.

It's 10dpo and I just p'd.o.a.s. It was negative. I hate this.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Suppressing My Feelings

**Long Post Warning!

I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.

The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!

This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.

Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.

I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...

OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.

Monday, December 24, 2007

7 Random Things *UPDATED*

I have been tagged to tell you 7 random things about me. This is my first time being tagged so it was actually kind of exciting for me... It was a nice little reminder that there are people out there who actually read my blog (of course I do have several faithful readers too... hi guys! :) and that someone wants to learn more about me. Thanks for the tag! I hope I am not too boring... =)

As requested, here are 7 random things about me:

1. I play the violin. I started in 5th grade and played every day until I was 21. I was even a music major in college. Unfortunately, I stopped enjoying playing along the way... probably when the pressure to perform became too much and music took over every aspect of my life. I just didn't enjoy being trapped in a practice room for hours a day with only my violin for company. Also, I didn't like the person I became when I was around snobby and backstabbing musicians. Not all musicians are like that, but there are enough of them to make the atmosphere stressful. Anyway, after college I basically quit playing. I would sometimes play for church, but over the last 2 years I didn't play at all. I started playing again a couple months ago and I actually enjoy it again. I joined one of the music groups at church so I would have a reason to play every week. It's been nice.

2. I moved my place of residence at least once a year from the time I was 17 until I was 28, with the exception of a 2 year stint in grad school. The year I was 21 I actually moved 4 times. That year I spent the summer with my parents, a semester abroad (during which I actually officially lived in 2 different places, but I only count it as one move) with travelling to follow, a final semester back at my college, and then back to my parents for the next year until I decided to move to another state and become truly independent. Hubby and I bought a house this summer so I am finally living somewhere with no immediate plans to leave in the foreseeable future. =) It's been nice to put down some roots.

3. I am clumsy, but I am (or was when I was younger) a very graceful dancer. It's quite a head scratcher to me. I am so clumsy that I fall on my face, literally, very often. Growing up I actually developed a lisp because I was missing at least 1 front tooth between the ages of 2 and 10 because I would knock them out when I fell on my face. I went to speech therapy to learn how to say "s" and "th." Falling on my face and knocking out a tooth became popular again while I was traveling in Ireland at age 21 and I had to have an emergency root canal while I was abroad.

4. I have had more work done on my teeth than most people my age but I have never had a cavity. This is, in part, because of the aforementioned falling on my face. I had braces for 3 years, accompanied with head gear (not neck gear like the rest of the kids in my class...). I have had 3 root canals and one tooth implant (complete with oral surgery to put in the metal post).

5. I like to travel. Domestically I have been to 33 of the 50 states. I hope to visit all 50 in my life time. I have lived in 9 different states. I also like to take road trips, especially when I am trying to de-stress. I have driven to most of the states I have visited. Only 9 of the states I have visited were a "drive through" experience. In the other 15 states I visited I actually spent the night and spent some time experiencing the state. Internationally I have not traveled as extensively. I have been to 10 countries other than the United States. I definitely plan to travel more. My husband has the travel bug too, so I'm sure we will be on more adventures.

6. I love camping! I have spent 14 summers of my life at summer camp. And, when I was taking a break from summer camp I would go camping. I think that people who stay in a trailer are not camping. If you are staying in a rustic wood cabin without plumbing or climate control, and you cook your food over a fire, you can count it as camping, but sleeping in a tent or under the stars is better. The best way to camp is to hike in with minimal gear. Being in the mountains brings you closer to God. There is something very relaxing and peaceful about communing with nature.

7. I grew up 30 minutes from a ski resort and I don't know how to ski. I have only tried to ski one time in my life and I sucked. It also hurt a lot when I fell, which happened a lot. I sprained my shoulder during one of my falls... 2 days before I had a violin scholarship audition. I am now scared to ski. This is an unusual experience for me because I am usually pretty fearless and willing to try almost anything. I don't see myself downhill skiing any time soon...

OK, now I am supposed to tag some people. This is kind of hard because most of the blogs I read did this meme a couple months ago... I think I will post this now and then update if I find some blogs on my list that haven't done this meme.

**UPDATED** I found some people who I don't think have done this meme.
Tag, You're It!:
Beautiful Curve, Leigh, Disenchanted, Hope, Infertility Sucks!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Holidays = Eating days

Sometimes you really want a drink

Yesterday was kind of a stressful day. On stressful days sometimes you really just want (need?) a glass of wine. Unfortunately, I am taking Metformin. Metformin and alcohol are a big no no to mix. So, I was a good girl and didn't give in. However, I did fantasize about going off Metformin for a while if I don't end up pg this cycle. Of course, I have had this fantasy before... I never end up doing it though because my desire for a baby is much grater than my desire for the periodic drink.

What do you do when you have a stressful day and you can't have a glass of wine?

Friday, December 14, 2007

Talking it out

Just a quick update for those of you who were thinking about the talk with my coworker today. I just wanted to let you know that the talk went well, and I'm glad it went well. My coworker was the complete opposite of how she acted last week. She was humble, apologetic, and took responsibility for her actions. She let me say what I needed to say and didn't interrupt. She was not defensive and apologized several times. She also assured me that something like this would never happen in the future. I feel much better. This does not mean that I have become her biggest fan. However, I do feel like I can work ok with her now.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tomorrow's Talk

Well, tomorrow is the day I have an appointment with my co-worker to work through the "tension" we had last week. We have had a few conversations since then, about work stuff, that have gone smoothly. To be honest, I'm torn about how I want tomorrow's conversation to go. I think part of me wants it to go poorly because then I will have a reason to go on disliking her... However, I want it to go well so that my work environment will be more comfortable. I am feeling a lot of axiety about the upcoming conversation. I think I mostly want it to go well, but I am worried that it won't.

Please pray for me and this situation. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Stat Counter?

Does anyone else use the program "Stat Counter" to watch the hits to their blog? I have experienced something weird with this program for about a week. I can't get to their website. I have tried at different times of day and from different computers. I've tried following the link in my blog and just typing in their website ( The weird part is that the page doesn't even try to load. I click on the link or type in the address and hit enter, and then nothing. Nothing happens. The little mini window doesn't even wave to show it's looking for the page. I don't even get an error screen saying that it can't find the page. Nothing happens. I can't figure it out.

I'm not sure what to do. I would report it to the website, but I can't even get to the website to make a report... I'm thinking about finding another program to keep track of the hits on my blog. What does everyone else use? I liked that Stat Counter was free, didn't send me a lot of junk, and had a lot of different analyzing tools available to me. What programs have others had good luck with? If you can recommend a program to me, I would really appreciate it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Come on Down!

Well, it has been a week and I have officially lost 2 pounds! I think that is pretty good. If I keep this up steadily I will reach my goal weight in 20 weeks. Right now that seems like a long time away (5 months), but I know that in 5 months I will look back and think that it came quickly. Also, by that time we will have passed our 2 year ttc anniversary. The best case scenario would be that I will have managed to get a bfp that stuck. The second choice is that I will have lost all the weight I want so at least I will feel good about my body... and hopefully getting a bfp will be easier.

In other news, hubby and I are full swing into our new schedule (with opposite days off, me working during the day and hubby on swing shift). I have not seen my husband in two straight days (unless you count our sleep laden hellos and goodbyes). Maybe when one of us has a day off it will be better. This week I am working a lot of over time, but after Christmas I get some down time so that will be nice.

Oh, I also found a great recipe (see below) that would like to share. It's very yummy and full of veggies so it is really good for you.

Sicilian Chicken Stew
from Rachael Ray

This hearty dish incorporates all the flavors of Sicilian cooking in one delicious stew! Be sure to serve with some crusty bread for mopping!
· 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
· 1 1/2-2 pounds boneless, skinless, chicken thighs, cut into bite-size pieces
· Salt and freshly ground pepper
· 1 large onion, chopped
· 4 stalks celery from the heart, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cubanelle peppers, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cloves garlic, chopped
· A pinch of red pepper flakes
· 2 tablespoons aged balsamic vinegar
· 2-3 cups chicken stock (use a little more or less depending on how thick you like your stew)
· 1 can San Marzano tomatoes (28 ounces)
· 1 cup big Italian green olives, chopped
· 1/4 cup golden raisins (about a handful)
· 1/2 cup basil (about a handful) [optional]
· 1/2 cup flat leaf parsley (about a handful), chopped [optional]
· 1/4 cup pine nuts (about a palmful), toasted [optional]
· Shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese, for topping

[**I also added 1.5 carrots, diced and a small handful of wheat spaghetti, broken up into 1 inch pieces]
Place a large skillet over medium-high heat with the EVOO.
Season the raw chicken with salt and freshly ground black pepper. When the EVOO starts to ripple, put the chicken in the skillet and brown all sides.
Add in the onion, celery, peppers, garlic and red pepper flakes and cook until tender, about 3-4 minutes.
Add the balsamic vinegar, a cup or so of the chicken stock and the tomatoes to the skillet. Crush the tomatoes with a potato masher and mix in the olives and raisins. Let simmer for 10-15 minutes to let the flavors blend, adding more chicken stock to reach the desired consistency of your stew.
To serve, top each portion with basil, parsley, toasted pine nuts and shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese. Serve with some crusty bread alongside.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


I just passed the mark of 3000 hits to my blog! Woo! Hoo!

Starting Over, Again

You may have guessed this from the title of my post... AF showed full-fleged today, crushing that last sliver of "maybe it's a miracle" hope I was holding onto for this cycle. I know it's naive and kind of "pie in the sky" thinking, but I really thought that I was going to get pg this cycle and it would help cushion the blow of my m/c. I thought we had found the "magic formula" and my body would just slip back into being pg. I think I just didn't want to face the probability that I would have to live through Advent and Christmas (again) not pg. I'm so tired of being sad during times that are supposed to be happy. I'm just tired of being sad period. Right now, I'm seriously considering just stopping all medications and stop keeping track of my cycle. This way, at least, I would be able to drink alcohol again (a no no when taking metfor.min) when I had a bad day or just wanted to relax with friends.

I would stop everything except... I want to have a baby more than anything else in the world. If I'm honest with myself I may want to have a baby more than I want to work on my relationship with God (which is a problem).

So, since I don't think I can bring myself to stop (and "just relax" as people keep telling me) I need to do something pro-active. I think I will focus on loosing weight. I lost some weight about a year ago and my B.M.I. went from 37 to 35. Since then I have only gone down to 33.5. I just haven't really been trying very hard. That is going to change. I know diet and exercise works for me. I have at least 5 exercise programs that I have ordered from late night TV over the years...I just need to find the motivation to use them. I think I have finally reached a point where I have had enough of this crap! I'm feeling a little angry at myself for putting off loosing more weight until now. I know that extra weight makes my endo worse. It is time to say goodbye to overweight me and uncover the skinny girl inside. My goal is to get my B.M.I. down to at least 26. I know technically that is still overweight but I have really big bbies (which don't seem to shrink when I loose weight) so I think that is a good weight for me.

List of things to do today:
- get a B.M.I. ticker up on my blog
- go shopping for healthy food (including snack options)
- put together an exercise plan/schedule
- eat a healthy lunch and dinner
- exercise

Would anyone else like to join me in my quest to loose weight? I have read other bloggers talking about trying to loose weight. I know I will need some help being accountable. Let's work together! Leave a comment with a link to your blog or email if you would like to join me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Thankfulness, Anxiety, Anger, Sadness

Today was a very emotional day. First of all it's my 2nd wedding anniversary. I love my husband more than I thought it was possible to love another person. He is my hero in many ways (he saved me from a life of loneliness) and he is my best friend. We went out to breakfast this morning because it was the only time we would have together. It was good to spend time together, but it wasn't very relaxing. Hubby was stressing about about is work/school load (he's been feeling very overwhelmed). I was feeling anxious this morning because it's 11dpo. I really wanted to give my hubby a bfp today. I got a bfn this morning. I couldn't wallow in anxiety too long because after we got back from breakfast hubby's overwhelmed feeling became too much for him and he freaked out a little and I had to help him.

Then, I got to work. My first appointment cancelled on me, so I don't have some info I need for another meeting I have tomorrow. Then, I had to put out some fires with some volunteers (but this is not necessarily unusual). Then, a co-worker called me because she was upset with some things I had submitted. She was rude to me about it on the phone about it, which pissed me off. It was kind of the last straw for me since I have been really struggling with this co-worker lately. To make a long story short we had a series of exchanges that made me angrier than I have ever been (except for a couple times I have fought with my mom). By the end of the night I was so angry I had to shut my door and cry. I didn't know what else to do and I had so much anger welling up. I was so upset that I finally just left. There was no way I was going to be able to focus long enough to get any work done. When I got home I did an aerobic and weights workout to try and get rid of my excess energy. After my workout I went to the bathroom and saw some red on the TP. Of course, the sobbing started all over again.

My worst nightmare for this Advent has come true, and it happened on my anniversary. I didn't get to give my husband a bfp for our anniversary. Instead, I don't get to see him most of the day (he won't be home until almost 1am tonight) and I'm starting my period. What makes it worse is that I really thought I was pg this cycle. I don't think I will ever trust my symptoms again.

Today sucked! And now, I get to watch all the preggos at church (I work at my church, so I get more than my fair share) and listen to all of the stories of Mary's pg all season.

Happy Anniversary to me.