Monday, December 31, 2007


It's 12dpo. My temp was still up this morning. First Response says I'm not pg. =(

More Symptoms

Is tingling in your uterine area a pg symptom? I am having a very odd sensation right now. It doesn't hurt. It's like a burning that tingles. I've had some mini cramps today too, but they were a little different than my usual pms cramps. I'm trying not to put too much stock into this... However, I usually get some CM the day or 2 before AF and the TP has been dry and white. My bbies aren't sore at all though... they're not even tender. I guess tomorrow will be very telling. The tingling is weird though.

Saturday, December 29, 2007


I hate the 2ww! I feel so anxious and every little thing seems to be a symptom... I just took a shower and I swear my areolas looked darker. My temp has been up for 3 days, since 8dpo and even though my temp is usually low my chart looks like it *could* be triphasic. I have also felt some slight shooting cramps a few times over the last few days and I have been exhausted all day. I took 2 naps today. And, the thing that's really screwing with my head, some things smell and taste weird.

It's 10dpo and I just p'd.o.a.s. It was negative. I hate this.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Suppressing My Feelings

**Long Post Warning!

I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.

The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!

This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.

Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.

I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...

OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.

Monday, December 24, 2007

7 Random Things *UPDATED*

I have been tagged to tell you 7 random things about me. This is my first time being tagged so it was actually kind of exciting for me... It was a nice little reminder that there are people out there who actually read my blog (of course I do have several faithful readers too... hi guys! :) and that someone wants to learn more about me. Thanks for the tag! I hope I am not too boring... =)

As requested, here are 7 random things about me:

1. I play the violin. I started in 5th grade and played every day until I was 21. I was even a music major in college. Unfortunately, I stopped enjoying playing along the way... probably when the pressure to perform became too much and music took over every aspect of my life. I just didn't enjoy being trapped in a practice room for hours a day with only my violin for company. Also, I didn't like the person I became when I was around snobby and backstabbing musicians. Not all musicians are like that, but there are enough of them to make the atmosphere stressful. Anyway, after college I basically quit playing. I would sometimes play for church, but over the last 2 years I didn't play at all. I started playing again a couple months ago and I actually enjoy it again. I joined one of the music groups at church so I would have a reason to play every week. It's been nice.

2. I moved my place of residence at least once a year from the time I was 17 until I was 28, with the exception of a 2 year stint in grad school. The year I was 21 I actually moved 4 times. That year I spent the summer with my parents, a semester abroad (during which I actually officially lived in 2 different places, but I only count it as one move) with travelling to follow, a final semester back at my college, and then back to my parents for the next year until I decided to move to another state and become truly independent. Hubby and I bought a house this summer so I am finally living somewhere with no immediate plans to leave in the foreseeable future. =) It's been nice to put down some roots.

3. I am clumsy, but I am (or was when I was younger) a very graceful dancer. It's quite a head scratcher to me. I am so clumsy that I fall on my face, literally, very often. Growing up I actually developed a lisp because I was missing at least 1 front tooth between the ages of 2 and 10 because I would knock them out when I fell on my face. I went to speech therapy to learn how to say "s" and "th." Falling on my face and knocking out a tooth became popular again while I was traveling in Ireland at age 21 and I had to have an emergency root canal while I was abroad.

4. I have had more work done on my teeth than most people my age but I have never had a cavity. This is, in part, because of the aforementioned falling on my face. I had braces for 3 years, accompanied with head gear (not neck gear like the rest of the kids in my class...). I have had 3 root canals and one tooth implant (complete with oral surgery to put in the metal post).

5. I like to travel. Domestically I have been to 33 of the 50 states. I hope to visit all 50 in my life time. I have lived in 9 different states. I also like to take road trips, especially when I am trying to de-stress. I have driven to most of the states I have visited. Only 9 of the states I have visited were a "drive through" experience. In the other 15 states I visited I actually spent the night and spent some time experiencing the state. Internationally I have not traveled as extensively. I have been to 10 countries other than the United States. I definitely plan to travel more. My husband has the travel bug too, so I'm sure we will be on more adventures.

6. I love camping! I have spent 14 summers of my life at summer camp. And, when I was taking a break from summer camp I would go camping. I think that people who stay in a trailer are not camping. If you are staying in a rustic wood cabin without plumbing or climate control, and you cook your food over a fire, you can count it as camping, but sleeping in a tent or under the stars is better. The best way to camp is to hike in with minimal gear. Being in the mountains brings you closer to God. There is something very relaxing and peaceful about communing with nature.

7. I grew up 30 minutes from a ski resort and I don't know how to ski. I have only tried to ski one time in my life and I sucked. It also hurt a lot when I fell, which happened a lot. I sprained my shoulder during one of my falls... 2 days before I had a violin scholarship audition. I am now scared to ski. This is an unusual experience for me because I am usually pretty fearless and willing to try almost anything. I don't see myself downhill skiing any time soon...

OK, now I am supposed to tag some people. This is kind of hard because most of the blogs I read did this meme a couple months ago... I think I will post this now and then update if I find some blogs on my list that haven't done this meme.

**UPDATED** I found some people who I don't think have done this meme.
Tag, You're It!:
Beautiful Curve, Leigh, Disenchanted, Hope, Infertility Sucks!

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Holidays = Eating days

Sometimes you really want a drink

Yesterday was kind of a stressful day. On stressful days sometimes you really just want (need?) a glass of wine. Unfortunately, I am taking Metformin. Metformin and alcohol are a big no no to mix. So, I was a good girl and didn't give in. However, I did fantasize about going off Metformin for a while if I don't end up pg this cycle. Of course, I have had this fantasy before... I never end up doing it though because my desire for a baby is much grater than my desire for the periodic drink.

What do you do when you have a stressful day and you can't have a glass of wine?

Friday, December 14, 2007

Talking it out

Just a quick update for those of you who were thinking about the talk with my coworker today. I just wanted to let you know that the talk went well, and I'm glad it went well. My coworker was the complete opposite of how she acted last week. She was humble, apologetic, and took responsibility for her actions. She let me say what I needed to say and didn't interrupt. She was not defensive and apologized several times. She also assured me that something like this would never happen in the future. I feel much better. This does not mean that I have become her biggest fan. However, I do feel like I can work ok with her now.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Tomorrow's Talk

Well, tomorrow is the day I have an appointment with my co-worker to work through the "tension" we had last week. We have had a few conversations since then, about work stuff, that have gone smoothly. To be honest, I'm torn about how I want tomorrow's conversation to go. I think part of me wants it to go poorly because then I will have a reason to go on disliking her... However, I want it to go well so that my work environment will be more comfortable. I am feeling a lot of axiety about the upcoming conversation. I think I mostly want it to go well, but I am worried that it won't.

Please pray for me and this situation. Thank you.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Stat Counter?

Does anyone else use the program "Stat Counter" to watch the hits to their blog? I have experienced something weird with this program for about a week. I can't get to their website. I have tried at different times of day and from different computers. I've tried following the link in my blog and just typing in their website ( The weird part is that the page doesn't even try to load. I click on the link or type in the address and hit enter, and then nothing. Nothing happens. The little mini window doesn't even wave to show it's looking for the page. I don't even get an error screen saying that it can't find the page. Nothing happens. I can't figure it out.

I'm not sure what to do. I would report it to the website, but I can't even get to the website to make a report... I'm thinking about finding another program to keep track of the hits on my blog. What does everyone else use? I liked that Stat Counter was free, didn't send me a lot of junk, and had a lot of different analyzing tools available to me. What programs have others had good luck with? If you can recommend a program to me, I would really appreciate it.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Come on Down!

Well, it has been a week and I have officially lost 2 pounds! I think that is pretty good. If I keep this up steadily I will reach my goal weight in 20 weeks. Right now that seems like a long time away (5 months), but I know that in 5 months I will look back and think that it came quickly. Also, by that time we will have passed our 2 year ttc anniversary. The best case scenario would be that I will have managed to get a bfp that stuck. The second choice is that I will have lost all the weight I want so at least I will feel good about my body... and hopefully getting a bfp will be easier.

In other news, hubby and I are full swing into our new schedule (with opposite days off, me working during the day and hubby on swing shift). I have not seen my husband in two straight days (unless you count our sleep laden hellos and goodbyes). Maybe when one of us has a day off it will be better. This week I am working a lot of over time, but after Christmas I get some down time so that will be nice.

Oh, I also found a great recipe (see below) that would like to share. It's very yummy and full of veggies so it is really good for you.

Sicilian Chicken Stew
from Rachael Ray

This hearty dish incorporates all the flavors of Sicilian cooking in one delicious stew! Be sure to serve with some crusty bread for mopping!
· 3 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)
· 1 1/2-2 pounds boneless, skinless, chicken thighs, cut into bite-size pieces
· Salt and freshly ground pepper
· 1 large onion, chopped
· 4 stalks celery from the heart, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cubanelle peppers, chopped into large pieces
· 2 cloves garlic, chopped
· A pinch of red pepper flakes
· 2 tablespoons aged balsamic vinegar
· 2-3 cups chicken stock (use a little more or less depending on how thick you like your stew)
· 1 can San Marzano tomatoes (28 ounces)
· 1 cup big Italian green olives, chopped
· 1/4 cup golden raisins (about a handful)
· 1/2 cup basil (about a handful) [optional]
· 1/2 cup flat leaf parsley (about a handful), chopped [optional]
· 1/4 cup pine nuts (about a palmful), toasted [optional]
· Shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese, for topping

[**I also added 1.5 carrots, diced and a small handful of wheat spaghetti, broken up into 1 inch pieces]
Place a large skillet over medium-high heat with the EVOO.
Season the raw chicken with salt and freshly ground black pepper. When the EVOO starts to ripple, put the chicken in the skillet and brown all sides.
Add in the onion, celery, peppers, garlic and red pepper flakes and cook until tender, about 3-4 minutes.
Add the balsamic vinegar, a cup or so of the chicken stock and the tomatoes to the skillet. Crush the tomatoes with a potato masher and mix in the olives and raisins. Let simmer for 10-15 minutes to let the flavors blend, adding more chicken stock to reach the desired consistency of your stew.
To serve, top each portion with basil, parsley, toasted pine nuts and shaved Parmigiano Reggiano cheese. Serve with some crusty bread alongside.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007


I just passed the mark of 3000 hits to my blog! Woo! Hoo!

Starting Over, Again

You may have guessed this from the title of my post... AF showed full-fleged today, crushing that last sliver of "maybe it's a miracle" hope I was holding onto for this cycle. I know it's naive and kind of "pie in the sky" thinking, but I really thought that I was going to get pg this cycle and it would help cushion the blow of my m/c. I thought we had found the "magic formula" and my body would just slip back into being pg. I think I just didn't want to face the probability that I would have to live through Advent and Christmas (again) not pg. I'm so tired of being sad during times that are supposed to be happy. I'm just tired of being sad period. Right now, I'm seriously considering just stopping all medications and stop keeping track of my cycle. This way, at least, I would be able to drink alcohol again (a no no when taking metfor.min) when I had a bad day or just wanted to relax with friends.

I would stop everything except... I want to have a baby more than anything else in the world. If I'm honest with myself I may want to have a baby more than I want to work on my relationship with God (which is a problem).

So, since I don't think I can bring myself to stop (and "just relax" as people keep telling me) I need to do something pro-active. I think I will focus on loosing weight. I lost some weight about a year ago and my B.M.I. went from 37 to 35. Since then I have only gone down to 33.5. I just haven't really been trying very hard. That is going to change. I know diet and exercise works for me. I have at least 5 exercise programs that I have ordered from late night TV over the years...I just need to find the motivation to use them. I think I have finally reached a point where I have had enough of this crap! I'm feeling a little angry at myself for putting off loosing more weight until now. I know that extra weight makes my endo worse. It is time to say goodbye to overweight me and uncover the skinny girl inside. My goal is to get my B.M.I. down to at least 26. I know technically that is still overweight but I have really big bbies (which don't seem to shrink when I loose weight) so I think that is a good weight for me.

List of things to do today:
- get a B.M.I. ticker up on my blog
- go shopping for healthy food (including snack options)
- put together an exercise plan/schedule
- eat a healthy lunch and dinner
- exercise

Would anyone else like to join me in my quest to loose weight? I have read other bloggers talking about trying to loose weight. I know I will need some help being accountable. Let's work together! Leave a comment with a link to your blog or email if you would like to join me.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Thankfulness, Anxiety, Anger, Sadness

Today was a very emotional day. First of all it's my 2nd wedding anniversary. I love my husband more than I thought it was possible to love another person. He is my hero in many ways (he saved me from a life of loneliness) and he is my best friend. We went out to breakfast this morning because it was the only time we would have together. It was good to spend time together, but it wasn't very relaxing. Hubby was stressing about about is work/school load (he's been feeling very overwhelmed). I was feeling anxious this morning because it's 11dpo. I really wanted to give my hubby a bfp today. I got a bfn this morning. I couldn't wallow in anxiety too long because after we got back from breakfast hubby's overwhelmed feeling became too much for him and he freaked out a little and I had to help him.

Then, I got to work. My first appointment cancelled on me, so I don't have some info I need for another meeting I have tomorrow. Then, I had to put out some fires with some volunteers (but this is not necessarily unusual). Then, a co-worker called me because she was upset with some things I had submitted. She was rude to me about it on the phone about it, which pissed me off. It was kind of the last straw for me since I have been really struggling with this co-worker lately. To make a long story short we had a series of exchanges that made me angrier than I have ever been (except for a couple times I have fought with my mom). By the end of the night I was so angry I had to shut my door and cry. I didn't know what else to do and I had so much anger welling up. I was so upset that I finally just left. There was no way I was going to be able to focus long enough to get any work done. When I got home I did an aerobic and weights workout to try and get rid of my excess energy. After my workout I went to the bathroom and saw some red on the TP. Of course, the sobbing started all over again.

My worst nightmare for this Advent has come true, and it happened on my anniversary. I didn't get to give my husband a bfp for our anniversary. Instead, I don't get to see him most of the day (he won't be home until almost 1am tonight) and I'm starting my period. What makes it worse is that I really thought I was pg this cycle. I don't think I will ever trust my symptoms again.

Today sucked! And now, I get to watch all the preggos at church (I work at my church, so I get more than my fair share) and listen to all of the stories of Mary's pg all season.

Happy Anniversary to me.

Friday, November 30, 2007

I've Become "That Girl"

I woke up this morning and my bbies were still sore. Also, I started feeling a little bit nauseaus during the night and it hadn't gone away. So, what was the first thing I thought of doing (remember, I'm only 8dpo)? POAS, of course! Yes, I am "that girl," the one who POAS too soon. I thought that maybe I was "really" pg this time because I am having such strong symptoms. I thought maybe my HCG levels would have been high enough to show up on a test because my symptoms are so early and so strong.

So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...

OK, shower time.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Symptoms, Part 2

It just hit me that my hope for this cycle just sky-rocketed... which means that if I'm not pg, I will be that much more upset. Now I'm scared.


Well, today is 7dpo (I was wrong on my counting yesterday when I said I was 5dpo) and I think I have a couple symptoms today. This afternoon I felt a twinge that felt similar (although less intense) to the implantation cramps I had on my bfp cycle. That wasn't what excited me though. Tonight I was changing into comfortable clothes and accidentally grazed my bbie... and it was SORE! Sore bbies was really the only real symptom I had during my bfp cycle because I m/c'd so soon. That cycle I had 1 day of tender bbies on 8dpo and then nothing until my poas positive on 16dpo. I am hoping that the strength of the soreness and the earliness of the symptom are a good sign...

The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.

Ok, time to take my progesterone!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Waiting, Again

I'm officially in my first tww since my m/c. I am 5dpo today. This cycle was a little weird. I thought I had ovulated on cd7 because of ovulation pains and CM, but then on cd 11 I got ewcm even though I had already taken a day's dosage of progesterone. So, I had to stop the progesterone and hope that I didn't preempt my ovulation. I never got a positive opk during either "fertile" period, so who knows what happened for sure.

I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.

We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.

The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!

Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...

God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

What's in a Gift

One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.

A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.

So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.

That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.

So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Hope That Got Left Out

This morning I went back and read all the posts in my blog. (I may blog about the reason I did this later.) It is kind of odd to look at yourself with different eyes. I felt a little bit like I was visiting another blog and getting to know the author, but at the same time I felt like I was re-living our journey to this point. It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience and a flash back at the same time.

Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.

So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.

The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).

I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.

The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

More Tears

Well, the tears are back. The last few weeks I seem to have a teary day followed by an ok day followed by another teary day. Of course, there are also the teary days followed by another teary day too... I just don't seem to get many good days followed by another good day.

One of the things that pushed me over the edge today was an email by my co-worker whose wife had a baby last week.

Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I just want to let you know that even in the excitement of the last week for Lindsay and me, I’ve held your struggles in my heart. You are not alone in your desire to have children and your feelings of disappointment at that prayer seeming to go unanswered… at least thus far. I pray for you, Shari, Renee, and many others that are attempting to come to grips with these circumstances… Lindsay and I both have taken a very intentional approach every time we are awakened in the middle of the night to remember you all in prayer. We accept the tiredness and lack of sleep and offer it up for all those who desire children and for whatever reason haven’t had that joy yet. Every time someone asks about how tired I am, or should be, I remember you guys.

My mother had several miscarriages and lost my oldest sister at about 4 days old. Though we never met, somehow, I’ve always had some connection to my oldest sister in heaven feeling like she was the one looking out for me in the darkest days of my depressions. I wrote a song about her. My mom ended up having 10 more kids including me after 40, so don’t lose hope, you are not forsaken, God has a plan for joy for you even if you can’t see it. Remember, you’ve got a little angel in heaven that is a product of the love you and your husband share.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are loved and supported. God has wonderful things in store for you and he is hearing your prayers. Don’t give up.

I was genuinely touched reading this email. Of course, I was crying half way through the first paragraph... For someone who has no experience of infertility (they conceived their 2nd month of marriage) he is very sympathetic. I appreciate that he takes the time to remember us infertiles as he is going through the "pains" of having a newborn. I appreciate that he doesn't get swept up in the fertile world's ignorance (ignoring) of us "poor" infertiles. I wish more people would attempt to keep us in mind. Sometimes being Catholic is hard because I am around a lot of people with large families. And, they're not just people with large families... They are people with large families who feel like the world conspires against them so they constantly feel the need to defend the "rightness" of having a large family. I hear a lot of complaining about comments and looks people get because they have 6 kids... "Are they ALL yours?" "Don't you know how to control yourselves?" "How do you afford all of them?" I just sit there listening, thinking to myself, "I would give almost anything to switch places with you!"

One consequence of my struggle with infertility is that I look at other families much differently now. Before experiencing IF when I saw a family with odd spacing of children, or a couple who had been married for a while and didn't have children, I used to think that they didn't want children or were possibly being selfish in some way. I was such an idiot! Now when I see odd spacing or a childless couple I say a prayer for them. They may not all have struggled with IF, but I bet most of them have.

OK, I feel like I'm just rambling at this point so I will log off for tonight.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Ups and Downs

I am usually pretty steady in my emotions, but lately I have been pretty moody. I have been crying randomly and anxious much of the time and the smallest thing can throw me for a tailspin. It is really starting to wear on me. For example, yesterday I woke up in a decent mood. Right as we were leaving I went to grab the new insurance paperwork to put in my car and hubby told me that we had to make a copy of it. I said that I could just tear it in half because there were 2 copies on the page. He questioned me at first (because he hadn't looked at the paper closely). I took his questioning as a personal insult that I was not intelligent enough to read the paper... Uummm, can you say major over-reaction!?! I knew that it was an overaction, even in the moment, but I was still steaming mad. It took me a while to calm down so that I wasn't angry about it. Unfortunately, even when I let go of the anger, I still felt very anxious. Then hubby was worried about me so he started to hover, which only annoyed me more. Finally I told him to just go to school and I would deal on my own. I had to go away and pray for 20 minutes to calm myself down. When I sat down to pray I burst into tears. I wasn't crying for a particular reason. I was just overcome with a general sense of anxiety. I got myself under control, but I never really found peace all day.

Today was nice though. I woke up with more energy than normal. I did some yoga, went for a walk with hubby, pulled some weeds, took a shower, drove my NEW car to work (a silver Honda Fit, in case you're interested), and accomplished a couple things on my to do list at work. I was really tired when I got home, but overall it was a good day. I only felt a little bit of anxiety this afternoon, but that was because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my job. Since that happens on a regular basis, I don't really count it.

I hope I have more days like today. I am really tired of being so emotional! It really drains me. I know I need to pray more and exercise more. I am working on the exercise. I still have mixed feelings about praying. Sometimes I pray (or at least spend some time in silence with God) because I am so desparate I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really want to pray. Basically, I'm moody about my prayer time too. Man! I feel like I'm in junior high school again. It's like I have a perpetual case of PMS or something.

In other news, I started having fertile mucus yesterday and there was some brown spotting with it. I really hope it's not a sign of something bad. It could be that my endo is getting worse, or it could be that my progesterone is low again. My doc just increased my progesterone dosage for this cycle, so after I O I start the new dosage. After this cycle we can start TTC again, so I really don't want to have any major problems return!

OK, I'm so tired now I feel dead on my feet. I'm sending myself to my room... I hope everyone (as in all my wonderful loyal readers) is doing well!

OH, one more thing I forgot to tell you: My labs came back within normal range. However, since I have a history of having a clotting issue, my doc wants me to take baby asprin as soon as I get pregnant again. I asked the nurse to send me a copy of my lab results so I can look them up. I thought it was odd that he would want me to take baby asprin if I was really ok. The clotting issue I had was when I was 2 and my bone marrow stopped producing platelets for about 6 months. So, I didn't have too much clotting... I didn't have any clotting. Does anyone know anything about this?

K, bed for real now.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I Want to be Happy for Others!

One of the results of my struggle with infertility and m/c is that I have now been robbed of the ability to just be happy for others (without any personal misery/baggage wrapped up in the feelings). This Monday a co-worker's wife had a baby. The baby was 6 weeks early (he's fine though) so we didn't expect the announcement quite this soon. This co-worker got married in January and they were pregnant in February. When I heard in March they were pregnant I had a very difficult time. I told him I was happy for them... The truth is I just felt bitter and sad for me. I was struggling with the "It's not fair" syndrome. On Monday when I heard they had the baby I still felt a little bitter, but mostly I felt very sad. The announcement felt like a stab to my heart. I think it was intensified because I "should" be pregnant right now. Instead of being able to be happy for them and rejoice in the gift of new life I am left to mourn the loss of the life I briefly carried and cry over the emptiness I feel. I resent that have lost the ability to feel pure joy for someone else.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Yet Again, CD1

It's CD1 today. It did come the "regular" time after I think I O'd, so that's good. I didn't have the usual pre-cramps twinges and my cramps today are a little worse than normal. However, my flow doesn't seem to have clots (at least so far... knock on wood) which is good news. It does make me wonder about the menses I had the cycle before my bfp, which had very heavy clotting. DH thinks I might have had a very early m/c that cycle because I had a lot of clots and really thick blood. My period started 13dpo and I never poas so I don't know for sure. I would prefer to think that my body was just getting rid of some endometriosis. And, speaking of choosing to think of things in a positive light, this marks the beginning of the 2nd cycle after my m/c which means that we can start trying again next cycle. Hopefully I will be pregnant 2 months from now. Our 2nd anniversary is Dec. 3rd. A BFP would be a great anniversary present...

I talked to my doc's office yesterday and they said that some of my labs are complete but they wanted to wait until they had the whole work-up before talking to me about the results. So, they should know by Tuesday what the results are. I'm not too nervous. I had some tests done a few years ago for clotting issues and things came back within normal limits. So, the tests this time around are more of a pre-caution because I did have a clotting issue as a toddler. I am just looking for some reassurance that the clotting issues haven't returned.

In other news, I turn 31 tomorrow. 31 years of life, 22 months of marriage, 19 months TTC, 1 pg, and 0 babies living in my house. I did have a nice time a my party last night though. We had some friends over and ate tacos and played dominos and laughed. It was fun. I didn't let myself think about losing my baby most of the night. When I do let myself think about it I am overcome with a wave of grief that threatens to bring me to my knees. I hope my grief dulls at least a little some time soon.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Random Crying

I started crying randomly for no reason today. Several people at work told me they could tell, from looking at my eyes, that I was not doing well. I think that's a polite way of saying I look like crap... I did kind of feel like crap today and I'm not really sure why. The only thing I could come up with is that I have been repressing my feelings and they are boiling over when my stress level gets too high. The thing is, I think crying (especially when I'm at work) just raises my stress level, so it kind of defeats the purpose.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Two Income Household

My husband got the job he interviewed for on Monday! This is very good news as he's been looking since May. It's been kind of a bumpy job search because he has been trying to change careers. He's in school for a new career path, but since his degree and experience is all in another field, it has been difficult for him to break into the new career. The job he got isn't exactly in the new field, but it's not in the old one either. And, he will have great benefits, so that is a bonus. Now we have 2 weeks to find a second car before hubby starts training... :)

On the fertility front I saw my doc yesterday morning. He wants to test for any possible clotting issues since I had an issue as a toddler and I recently m/c'd. So yesterday I gave 7 vials of blood... I should have the results back on Monday. I hope the results come back normal, but if not at least we'll be able to treat it before I have to m/c a 2nd time. I also asked the doc what he thought about us ttc next month (only 1 period after m/c). He said he prefers for his patients to wait until they have 2 regular cycles so that he can be sure that the uterus is ready for implantation and is "in sync" with the ovaries. He said that often the ovaries start working after a m/c before the uterus is ready for implantation. He has experienced many women in his practice who get pg the 1st cycle after a m/c and then end up m/cing again because their uterus wasn't ready. I want to avoid another m/c more than I want to be pg next month, so I was convinced to wait. Even though I m/c'd early I could tell my body was affected because I O'd a week later than normal.

I handled the doc visit ok. I only cried when I had my blood drawn because the lab tech had remembered me from my betas so she figured out I m/c'd. She has a clotting disorder and m/c'd her first 3 pg's, so she was very empathetic. After getting my blood drawn I went back to get my husband so we could check out and I ran into my friend who is pregnant with her 5th baby in 7 years. She was there to get her 19 week sonogram. She had her husband and 3 of the kids with her. I don't know what you call that kind of situation... ironic? Whatever it is, it stung a little. I am genuinely happy for her! I'm just extremely jealous.

OK, I'm exhausted. I've had a lot of early mornings and late nights this week. I was going to talk about 1 more thing, but I can't remember what it was. So, good night to all. Thank you for your prayers and support recently. It really has helped me cope.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I suck

I just noticed how long it had been since I last posted. I'm sorry for the silence. I have been around reading other people's blogs, I just haven't felt like writing myself. I'm doing ok (considering the circumstances). Yesterday I was pretty emotional, but most days I just do my best not to think about our loss. I had spiritual direction on Monday and that was really good for me. My director gave me some homework (tips for taking better care of myself mainly). I haven't really done my homework yet, but I want to (which is a step in the right direction). This week we were late coming home almost every day, so it was kind of a tiring week. (And, I have to work tomorrow morning for a few hours. :( I'm NOT excited about getting up early an extra day!)

My husband got a call today to schedule an interview for Monday. We really need the extra income, so any prayers you want to throw our way would be appreciated.

I will try to be better at posting.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

God Speaks (sort of)

It's kind of funny how God can speak in your life sometimes. This morning I spoke to 2 women who (coincidentally) shared their stories of struggle with IF and m/c. Both of them had heart-breaking stories (10 years of IF with 2 m/c's; 1 m/c and 1 still born at 22 wks with severe physical disabilities). Both women now have 3 children (and one is trying for a 4th). Both women basically told me that they believe that if you have a true desire in your heart for children God will grant your desire. Otherwise, God will take your desire away so you can move on. The second woman was surprised that she told me the whole story and kept saying "I don't know why I'm telling you this." Toward the end of the conversation I told her (briefly) that I had m/c'd last Sunday and had been ttc for a year and a half. She was very understanding and encouraging.

I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).

So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.

To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Intercessory Prayer

Even though I'm Catholic I never really fully understood intercessory prayer. I believed that the saints were close to God and, therefore, could pray for me just like my friends on earth pray for me. However, I always kind of thought that if I had a prayer request I would just talk to God myself. I don't know if this stemmed from a desire to be able to speak for myself (I'm pretty independent) or just a disbelief that one person's prayer would be more powerful or listened to more closely than another person's prayer. Afterall, doesn't God love all people (whether they're on earth or in heaven) equally?

Then, after a year and a half of heartbreak I finally get pregnant, only to loose the baby at 5 weeks. And now, I don't really feel like talking to God. It's not that my faith is shaken. I still believe in God. I just don't trust God. How could God give me my deepest wish, only to take it away? And, if he didn't take it away, why couldn't he stop the m/c? Miracles happen to other people. I'm not saying I think I'm entitled to a miracle, I'm just saying I don't understand why this happened. It really doesn't seem fair, especially when God is supposed to be "just." No, I'm not ready to talk to God right now. The only way prayer is happening is if someone prays on my behalf. And, for the first time, I feel like maybe God will listen to someone else's prayers more, because he obviously isn't listening to mine. So saints in heaven, please pray for me. If there's a saint who has a special heart for infertile women, please pray twice for me. Pray for me because I cannot pray on behalf of myself.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

CD 4

I'm not really sure what to say. It's cd 4. I'm still having pretty sharp cramping (ibu.profin helps some but not totally) and bleeding with heavy clotting. We saw the doc yesterday. He told us the results of the beta tests and my numbers were going down. In a way I think I'm glad I didn't know that because it would have made the get-together with my friends on Saturday torturous. I think I passed the baby on Monday. I saved the tissue in case my doc wanted to test it, but he didn't think it was necessary because the outcome wouldn't change our approach for the future. He wants us to wait until I have 2 normal cycles before we start trying again. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it feels like our grieving is just being prolonged.

I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.

I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.

I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.

Sunday, September 16, 2007


I think I'm m/cing right now. I have a lot of sharp cramping that is about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I started spotting this morning with brown mucus. I wasn't too worried about that... Unfortunately, now I am full-on bleeding red blood. And, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. =( Hubby and I just cried with each other for about an hour. It's so heartbreaking. We waited a year and a half to conceive and now we're loosing our first baby at only 4 1/2 weeks. This sucks!

And, just to make it more painful, last night I told my group of girl friends that I was pg because 2 of them fessed up that they were pg too. They are 7 and 8 wks, so they were farther along than I was. However, I couldn't keep quiet when everyone was so excited and we were already celebrating 2 babies. I hadn't planned on telling them. I just got so caught up in the beautiful moment. And now, it's gone. I'm going to try to see my doc tomorrow, but I know he can't do anything.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


Is it normal to have cramping in early pregnancy? I have had cramping basically continuously since about 11dpo. It's not the full-on cramps I usually get with AF, but the nagging mini cramps I usually get to warn me AF is coming. I'm trying not to obsess or worry too much. I haven't seen any blood when I wipe. I know I have endo, so maybe that's why I have cramps. It is a little annoying though, especially since life has been stressful lately.

In other news, hubby was told today that he did not get a job that he was a top candidate for. I am disappointed. He seems to be taking it better than I am. I really hope he is able to find a job soon, and one that he enjoys.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007


BFP!!! The doc says I'm pg, so it must be true! =D Thank you to everyone who was praying for us! I am still a little in shock, but hubby and I are both happy! Hubby just told me that he doesn't feel worried about money right now, he's just focussing on the gift we have been given. I'm glad he's not stressing out. Hopefully he will be able to find a job now and we can pay for this kid. I already have an apt for a follow up blood test on Friday and an ultra sound in 2 weeks...

YAY!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!! (I just wanted to say that.) This is my very first time being pregnant, so I'm trying to soak it in and enjoy it.

OK, I have to go to work (hubby is driving, just in case I start to feel dizzy). If you know me in real life and are reading this, please don't tell anyone else who knows me in real life. We are going to wait until the end of my first trimester (assuming I don't m/c) to tell people because I am kind of a high m/c risk... Thanks!

Faint Hope

So, the stick this morning had a faint 2nd line... Hopefully the doctor will do a beta for confirmation. I am cautiously hopeful. I took the test at about 6am (didn't have to wake until seven, but woke up with a full bladder and couldn't go back to sleep...) so I was, again, bleary-eyed. After the 3 min wait, I thought it was neg... until I took it into the light and put on my glasses. Then, of course hubby figured out what I was doing because I took so long so I told him about the faint line. So, we were both up at that point. I encouraged him to try to sleep and left. I prayed for about 20 min (well, tried to pray... I was crying for an unknown reason, or a million reasons at once, and couldn't settle down to do anything other than sit there). I kept hearing hubby cough so I went back into the bedroom and we cuddled. He's happy but scared. Financially we're not quite stable at the moment. He needs to find a job but he's having a hard time. He is trying to switch career tracks, so now he's kind of "inbetween" fields; not really in the old field, but not quite in the new one.

Anyway, I have a doc apt in an hour. Originally I planned to use the apt to discuss endo treatment options. Hopefully now the conversation will revolve around how to keep a confirmed pregnancy from m/c. If I have time I'll post an update before I go to work.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Not Sure

I'm not sure what's going on with me. I took a pg test this morning and it was negative after 5 minutes. :( However, I took the test at about 5am (when I woke up and couldn't sleep...) and I was pretty blurry-eyed. When I looked at the test at 8am I could see a faint line. Was it an evap line or a faint bfp? It is 10pm on 15dpo and I still haven't gotten my period. And, I didn't have as many cramps today (although I didn't have any full on cramps before, just the pre-AF mini cramps).

The question of the night is: do I take my progesterone supplement tonight? Usually my period starts about 12-13dpo while I am still taking the supplement. I know that if I do happen to be pg, I will need to be on progesterone support. I have an apt with my obgyn tomorrow morning so he can confirm with a blood test if AF hasn't shown by that time. I am leaning toward taking the prog. tonight, just in case... I guess I would rather err on the side of cautious than do anything that could jeopardize m/c a possible bean.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

I'm Still Alive

Sorry for the lack of entries. I have been busy and stressed, but I have also not really had anything to say. I've felt myself shutting down lately, but not necessarily depressed. I guess I've just been feeling quiet. My husband has been going through a hard time (because of IF stuff and other personal stuff, in addition to looking for work, which is not going well). I have been really focused on helping him. I don't like seeing him suffer. Caring for him has given me something else to worry about so I haven't been as obsessed with IF stuff.

But, since IF is in my body it eventually becomes impossible to ignore. I had some "shooting" cramps on 8dpo, which I couldn't help but wonder if it was implantation... But then, on 11dpo I dutifully got the pre-AF cramps I always get a few days before my period so I gave up hope. The inevitable was coming. The cramps came every day... 11dpo, 12dpo, 13dpo, 14dpo. Wait, did I just say 14 dpo? My longest luteal phase ever was 13 days and here it is at the end of day 14 and the TP is still white as snow. I have some internet cheapy tests so if AF doesn't come in the night I am testing tomorrow morning.

I still don't hold out much hope. My bbs aren't sore (although, I might use the word sensitive to describe them). And, there are the cramps that feel just like every month. It's possible that the progesterone I've been taking has extended my luteal phase some more. That would be good because I tend to have short luteal phases when left to my own devises. I do have an appointment with the doc on Tuesday morning. I originally made the appointment because I thought that this was the second failed cycle since my doc said try a couple more months with opks to track my ovulation. This cycle I did not get a clear surge on the opk so, in case I'm not ovulating properly, I wanted to have an appointment set up. The tiny bit of hope thought that I could use the appointment for a beta if AF happened to stay away. I will probably end up using the apt to discuss endo treatment options.

Don't you love how I always seem to end on a positive...?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Drugs, Surgery, or ???

The question at hand is how to deal with (or not?) endometriosis. I was diagnosed (by laparoscopy) with endo in March. Unfortunately, my doctor couldn't remove most of the endo because it was too near a major artery (around my ureter). I went to acupuncture for 12 visits in an attempt to treat the endo. For a couple months my pain and bleeding were improved. I was hopeful. (TMI Warning) During my last period the blood flow was heavier (but fewer days) and with heavy clotting. With the return of the clotting came my fears of the endo returning (or just getting worse?).

I wanted to call my OBGYN and schedule an appointment to discuss if any action should be taken. Last we talked it was agreed that hubby and I would try things the old-fashioned way for a couple months at least. Hubby thinks that I am too quick to react and we don't give anything a chance to work. He may be right. I do feel a sense of urgency because my biological clock is screaming in my ear. We have decided to wait at least 1 more month so we could at least establish that both of my ovaries are working and I am ovulating.

Despite the current "wait and see" approach, we have been discussing possible approaches to treating my endo. I have to say that none of the options make me very happy. That's why I went to acupuncture... Unfortunately, acupuncture is expensive (even though I had a pretty good discount, it's still not covered by my insurance). I stopped going because I ran out of money. That hasn't changed...

What are the other options? Surgery? Lu.pron? Ignore and hope? Needless to say, all of these options have negative aspects. I know surgery has the best record for keeping endo down for a length of time. Unfortunately, because of where my endo is, I would need to find a specialist to do another surgery for me, and I'm not sure it can be done laproscopically. I've also been told the surgery would be a higher risk because of the placement of the endo. My hubby does NOT want me to have surgery. He is scared of the risks.

Lu.pron: I'm not very excited about this for several reasons. First, it would mean at least 6 months off from TTC. And, that is assuming that my cycles start right away after the lu.pron wears off... What happens if my cycles don't start right away after taking lu.pron? What if shutting down my hormones and woman parts makes things worse? What if my hormones are so out of wack when we're done that nothing works right? What if my ovaries like being shrivelled up? I'm almost 31. I'm scared.

I'm also scared of not doing anything. What if I wait too long to take action and then by the time I do take action it's too late? What if I wait and things get worse? It's so frustrating trying to make a decision because nothing is clear-cut. And, there are no guarantees, no matter what we decide... How do we decide what to do? At this point I am hoping I get the BFP this month and we don't have to make any decisions...

OPK Results?

I POAS today and I'm not sure what the results mean. I tried to take a picture, but I couldn't get the picture to come out clear enough. The test line was just barely lighter than the cover line. According to the directions, this officially means that the result is negative (doesn't it?). However, I didn't completely refrain from drinking liquid for 2 hours so the test may be diluted... This is why I find POAS so frustrating... it seems like the results should be concrete and infallible, but they're not. There is always something that brings the results into question. So, I will dutifully report on my chart that the opk test result for today was negative, but I will also write a note in the notes section that the test line was almost dark enough to be positive.

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Sometimes I Hate it When I'm Right...

AF showed this morning (accompanied by cramps and heavy clotting). Now, in addition to being sad that my worries were confirmed, I'm also worried that my endo is getting worse again. Hubby and I are discussing possible options. I'll keep you posted.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Foreshadowing Twinge

Sometimes I like to know what is going to happen, and sometimes I prefer to stay in suspense, depending on the subject and the situation. If I am reading a book, especially a mystery or adventure book, I tend to like foreshadowing because I like to try to figure out what will happen. In my real life, it's about a 50/50 split on whether I like foreshadowing. I tend to be a planner, so it is nice to have a glimpse so I can plan. However, I do go through periods of wanting to be spontaneous. I also like good surprises.

Given the above, I guess, overall, I am glad that I get twingy cramps a few days before my period. It makes the suspense and torturous waiting of the 2ww over a little earlier. Unfortunately, it also cuts off, just that much sooner, the little bit of hope that I have managed to muster...

So, I am 9do and I felt the twinge this morning, right at the end of mass. I know I shouldn't give up until the B*tch shows, but it's too hard to hold onto hope when I'm 99% sure that I failed again. I know my body pretty well, and this is what it always feels like a few days before AF. Granted, I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what that feels like. I also know that many people report being sure they weren't pg, when they in fact were. So, I'm leaving a 1% chance I could fall into that category this month.

I'm feeling very frustrated right now. I want to know what we did wrong. I definitely ovulated. Hubby's numbers are looking decent (if not good). We timed everything right. My endo seems under control. I've even lost some weight. Granted, I could stand to loose about 40lbs more, but the scale is definitely going down. That should count for something, right? I know I haven't been at this as long as some (only a year and a half) and that I'm not as old as some (I'll be 31 in October). However, I definitely feel the biological clock screaming at me. I really feel like we are meant to have at least 3 kids. If we are going to get them in before I turn 35 (you know, the magic number...) we've got to get crackin! I know that's a lot of pressure to put on myself. At this point, I'm feeling like we might not even get 1 kiddo before I'm 35... At least not biologically. We don't have money for adoption right now. Besides, I really want to experience motherhood from the beginning. I want to have a baby (not start with a toddler). I know we could love an adopted child just as much, but I think I would always feel like we were cheated out of some of the parenting experience.

IF SUCKS! I hate this.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Odd Symptoms

So, I'm 7dpo and I have been having some odd symptoms this cycle (but, unfortunately, they're not symptoms that make me think I'm pg...). I'm not sure what to make of them. I am taking Progesterone, so that might have something to do with the symptoms, but I have been taking progesterone for a while, so I'm kind of skeptical... WARNING: Some of these may be TMI...

At 3dpo my boobs were really heavy (but not sore)-- this might have been due to the progesterone
At 4dpo I had lost 2 pounds from my weight leading up to and on O day
At 6dpo I had to go to the potty (#2) 4 times
At 7dpo (today) I have been moody, visited the potty 6 times (2 of them diarrhea), been bloted and gassy.
Oh, and I was extremely tired this past week, but I think it was due to working a ton of over-time and not getting good sleep or enough sleep. Besides, fatigue due to being pg wouldn't kick in until after implantation, right?

I don't think I ate anything that was bad, but I supposed it's possible. It doesn't explain the heavy boobs, moodiness and weight loss though. I looked at my old charts and I do seem to have to visit the bathroom more during this part of my cycle (which I think is just odd in general...), so maybe this cycle is "normal" for me and I just never noticed the other sympotms before? My cycle is usually such a roller coaster that it wouldn't surprise me if I missed symptoms because I thought they were just part of my "normal" crazy self...

Anyway, I know the calendar says I'm only 7dpo, but I feel like time has been standing still in this 2ww... It feels like I O'd a month ago. All I can say is that I'm glad to be pretty confident that I did, in fact, O. Wouldn't it be nice if I could get another 2 pink lines this week, but on a pg stick instead of an opk? =)

Friday, August 3, 2007

United Nations

You're the United Nations!
Most people think you're ineffective, but you are trying to completely save the world from itself, so there's always going to be a long way to go. You're always the one trying to get friends to talk to each other, enemies to talk to each other, anyone who can to just talk instead of beating each other about the head and torso. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, and you get very schizophrenic as a result. But your heart is in the right place, and sometimes also in New York.
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Thank you to Amy who lead me to Niobe who lead to The Country Quiz. Apparently, I am not really a country, but instead choose to be the United Nations. I actually think that might be accurate. Interesting. I'll have to think about the implications of that some more...

Thursday, August 2, 2007

My first positive!

I finally got 2 lines.... on an OPK. It still was a little exciting to see 2 lines. At least my pee is capable of producing 2 lines on something... And, I was worried that I wasn't ovulating, so it was good to get some kind of concrete sign that the O is happening. I had to test at work (so uncomfortable) so I don't have a camera with me. If my lines are still there when I get home I will post a picture. My test line was quite a bit darker than the cover line. I'm assuming that means it's a strong ovulation. (If it doesn't, will someone please tell me!?!) We have been trying to do a mega boogie marathon, but yesterday was day four and we were just really tired. Hopefully tonight will go smoothly... it's going to be a long day for both of us...

Sunday, July 29, 2007


So, the readings at church today were about prayer and persistence. The first reading (Gen 18:20-32) was the story of Abraham asking God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah for just 50, 45, 40, 30, 20, and finally 10 innocent people. The Psalm (Ps 138: 1-8) was about David's persistent life of prayer and God's fidelity to David because of it. The second reading (Col 2:12-14) was about God's persistent love for us, even through our continued sinfulness, and His constant forgiveness of our sins. The gospel (Luke 11:1-13) was when Jesus taught his disciples the Lord's Prayer, as well as taught them the parable of the persistent man who knocked on his friend's door until his friend let him in.

I have to say, these readings kicked my butt this morning! For a while I was doing pretty good with at least consistent daily prayer, but lately I have slipped back into a prayer void. I can feel a difference too. I feel very distant from God. I also feel restless and more stressed and anxious. The problem is, I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I guess working 50-60 hour weeks hasn't helped... It's hard to find energy for anything (even when you know that it will give you more energy in the long run) when you're exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, I go back and forth about actually wanting a better relationship with God.

I think that, deep down, I'm still upset with God for making it so difficult for us to have a baby. I had to wait forever to meet hubby, and experienced so much lonliness during the wait. I guess I had hoped that my heart break over being denied my heart's deepest desires was over. I mean, how much can one person take? I know that my suffering doesn't compare with the suffering others have to go through, but it hasn't been a cake walk either.

Anyway, back to the persistence in prayer. Abraham had the kind of relationship with God that he could ask God to change His plans, but do it in a way that it wasn't disrespectful. AND because of Abraham's faith in God (which I know can only be developed through persistent prayer) Abraham was eventually awarded with a child in his old age. [Normally I HATE stories of people who eventually got a child after 10+ years of infertility because I have a hard time looking past the 10+ years of suffering. Maybe I need to change my attitude...]

In regards to the gospel, the priest said that the point of the the parable of the persistent man was not that if you pray for something long enough God will eventually give it to you to get you to shut up (which was TOTALLY where my mind was going). The priest said that the point was that if you pray consistently you are developing your relationship with God so that you will better appreciate the gifts that God does give you.

Since I am still thinking sarcastic things in response to these readings, I guess I still have a long way to go. I'm so tired of being infertile. I'm also very worried that I will stay infertile until I manage to put my relationship with God first in my life. I "know" that I will probably be happier and more at peace when I finally manage to do this, but I find myself resisting it. I guess I resent the feeling that God is holding a baby over my head, like a ransom, until I manage to work out my relationship with him.

Have I mentioned that I have trust issues with God...? I haven't lost all the hope I felt last week, but I'm definitely feeling more pessimistic. I've also been having mood swings the past two days, so I'm sure that is affecting my outlook slightly...

In other news, today is CD 7. I should be gearing up to ovulate in the next week or so. So many people I know (online and in RL) are getting BFPs lately. I'm really hoping that it is contagious. I'm really sick of the IF crap. I'm ready to move on!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Hope Springs Eternal

Sorry I've been MIA for a little while. I was immersed in Harry Potter. Then, is was full-body tackled by work. I have a small breather (a couple days) and then I probably won't be able to un-burry myself from work until the end of August. =(

Anyway, I just wanted to post a little update on how I'm doing. I'm CD3. Amazingly, I'm doing pretty well. I pretty much figured last cycle wouldn't be "the one" because our timing wasn't very good. I had a few moments of doubt because my luteal phase went 1 day longer than it has been for the past 4 cycles (the only cycles in the last few years that could be called "regular") so I wondered. But, then AF came at 14dpo. That was actually exciting in itself because I have historically had a very short luteal phase. I am taking progesterone in the second half of my cycle to try to help with this problem. I don't want to manage to fertilize an eggie, only to have it flushed away before it can implant! (Of course, we have no way of knowing how many times this may have already happened, but I'm going to pretend it never has... It's too depressing to think otherwise.)

I think my endo may have improved some, which I'm very excited about! I did have some cramps this cycle during AF, but not nearly as bad as before and not at all during ovulation time. Also I did not have any break-through bleading this cycle which makes my think that I haven't developed any new polyps since my lap (at least not in my uterus). AND [TMI warning] I had A LOT of brown bleading and gummy mucus on the first day of AF. I hope that means that the acupuncture worked and that the stagnant blood was working its way out. If not, I'm kind of up a creek because we ran out of money and I had to stop going to acupuncture. I think I'll be ok though because on my initial visit my acu doc said I needed to go 10 times and I went 12 times total.

So, I'm pretty focused on this cycle now. We are planning the biggest boogie marathon of our lives. I don't think we will have anything get in the way (like trips, or tests to study for, etc.). That is exciting. It's hard to have good timing when life keeps getting in the way... I also have a good supply of pre-seed and 5 opks. This is my first time trying opks, so hopefully I can find my surge without having to buy more opks. I have a feeling that I ovulate around cd 15 so it will be good to know for sure. Also, I'm hoping that the opks will let me know if I have a "strong" or a "weak" ovulation. I guess we'll see... I used to use the spit ferning microscope, but my scope broke. I had trouble reading it anyway, so hopefully opks are more clear.

I guess the overall theme of this post is that I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in at least 6 months. Sure, there were moments where I would try to grasp at hope and hold on, but it would always slip between my fingers (when I didn't just let go entirely). I actually feel like it is really possible for this month to be our month. So many people around me (in IF world and in RL world) have been getting BFPs lately. I really think my turn is coming up. I have a RL friend who told me he had a dream (or vision?) that I would be pregnant this year. Well, there are only 5 months left... After what I've already been through, that doesn't seem tooooo long... although, the sooner the better! So, here's to hope (picture me raising a glass of sparkling apple cider since I'm on metformin)!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

More Waiting...

Yesterday we had an apt with my obgyn to check in and "discuss our options." We told him the whole saga of the last 4 months worrying about DH's sperm counts. He is no longer going to send people to the horrible first urologist we went to, so that is good. He also apologized for the 4 months that we had to endure, which was nice to hear. Other than that, I found the apt a little frustrating (although I kind of knew it would happen that way). I was hoping he would suggest clo.mid, but he didn't. We waited for an hour to see him (he's the most popular doctor in the practice) and then when we did see him he basically told us that we should just keep trying for a while using opk's and doing the boogie dance more. At least he didn't actually say the words "just relax." He thinks we have been pretty aggressive until now, so we should give it a chance. He did say that he thinks I'm ovulating because my chart has gotten regular (after years of *crazy* cycles). Although, he suggested using an opk to determine if I'm having a strong ovulation.

I looked at the actual ovulation monitors and they are *expensive*!! I have a few internet opks that came in this fertility package I ordered. I'm going to try them to see if I can read them. I'm nervous about being able to tell how "strong" my ovulation is. I used to use a saliva microscope, but I found it difficult to read sometimes. I don't think I always "smeared" propperly, so it was hard to see if my saliva was ferning partially or fully. I only got a classic "full fern" pattern once. Maybe I only had a strong ovulation that once? I don't know. Eventually my microscope broke so I took it as a sign that I should quit using it...

Anyway, I'm currently on cd22 and I'm not too hopeful. I got cold last night, which I took as a sign that AF is on her way. Our timing wasn't great this cycle anyway. Next cycle we are planning to use opks and have the ultimate boogie marathon, with a little pre-seed thrown in. Hopefully that will do the trick.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Verdict **UPDATED**

Remember this post? Today hubby and I went to the urologist to find out the full results of his SA tests. Have you ever been completely relieved and very sad at the same time? That was how I felt after we left the doctor's office. It turns out that hubby's results were all within normal range! His morphology was according to the Kruger (sp?) scale, so his 5% is just barely within normal range. Of course, we would like it to be a little higher, but with his numbers we should have about a 60% chance of conceiving every month. His testosterone was also low, but still within "normal" range (barely). The doctor prescribed Arimidex for hubby, which is supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. Apparently this is the new drug they are using instead of Clomid for men. So, it looks like hubby's varicocele isn't really a problem.

You may be wondering why one of my reactions to this good news was sadness. I have to admit, it kind of took me by surprise. We had both braced ourselves for the worst. The last few months of thinking hubby's spermies were deformed and couldn't swim (on top of my PCOS and endo) have been agony! However, thinking that we had both male and female factors made it feel like it wasn't anyone's fault... we were just both dealt a crappy hand. Now that we know that hubby is fine (which, I repeat is GREAT news and really does make me happy!) I immediately started to feel like the past year and a half of our infertility struggle was all my fault. I'm over weight. I have lost some weight, but around the time we got hubby's very first SA results (the ones that were total CRAP) I quit trying aggressively to loose weight and just kind of maintained my initial loss. The last few weeks (while I was secretly hoping DH's newest SA would come back normal) I have been wondering if my added weight has been keeping us from getting pregnant. When we got hubby's good results today, it was like my worst fears were true and it was all my fault that we didn't have a baby.

I know this reaction is not rational. I only had my laproscopy 4 months ago. My cycles have only be "regular" for 3 months. This is the first month that I haven't had either break-through bleeding or severe cramping around my ovulation time. Also, our timing hasn't always been spot on every month. We were doing the boogie dance every other day because we thought we had a male factor. Logically, I know that with all these things put together it adds up to reasonable explanations for IF. I guess it is just hard not to internalize my IF struggles. Also, I think that women, especially, have a tendency to feel like part of their self-worth is tied up in their ability to bear children. Maybe I shouldn't speak for other women, but I definitely think this is something I am experiencing. I feel called to motherhood. Because I am (thus far) unable to conceive, it feels like I am already failing to live out this call.

So, where do I go from here? I have already started my new diet routine, and I am going to stick to the exercise routine I already set up for myself. I know I can loose weight. I just have to stay motivated and dedicated. Additionally, I am making another apt with my OBGYN. The urologist said we would be very good candidates for IUI, if we want to try that. I need to check in with my doc anyway, to see if the acupuncture has worked as well as I feel like it has. After my lap, he said to try for another 3-6 months (assuming hubby's SA was normal) and then check back with him. It has been 4 months and it will probably take a while to get an apt. Lastly, I will work on trying to overcome my guilt. I know it doesn't help anything. I am also going to try to focus on the good news that we received. We don't have to struggle against female AND male factors! This is GREAT NEWS! I really am grateful! This makes our journey toward having a family a whole lot less complicated. I just wish we had done the boogie dance (rather than being depressed about what we thought were horrible SA results) 2 days ago when I ovulated... I guess we will just have to plan better for next cycle. The seed of hope has been planted in my heart. I think this is a good thing. It's scary, though, because with greater hope comes the probability for greater disappointment and heart break.

Thanks for listening.

**UPDATE** I can't believe I forgot to include this last night. The only reason I didn't stay wallowing in my guilt and depression was because hubby reminded me about all the reasons why we probably still aren't pregnant that had nothing to do with my weight. He's so wonderful! I know lots of people really love their husbands and will think I'm biased, but I think I have the best, most wonderful husband ever! He is always so supportive. I can't imagine what a wreck I would be without him... It would not be a pretty picture! **

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Adopting an Embryo?

Has anyone ever heard of this? A friend of mine in real-life (who also struggles with IF) told me about this today. I didn't realize that you could adopt other people's frozen and unwanted embryos. I Goo.gled it and got a couple sites, but haven't had a chance to read very much yet. I'm just curious if anyone out there has heard of this or done this? Or, do you know someone else who has done this? I'm wondering how successful it is. I wonder if there is a higher incidence of miscarriage if the embryo is not a genetic match to the birth mother. Are there ever rejection issues with the mom's body? Is it kind of like being a surrogate mother, except you adopt the baby? I just have so many questions! It seems like it might be a good option for someone who has issues conceiving but wants to experience pregnancy and the entire life of their child. Any feed back from people in blogland would be welcome!


How much of our life do we spend waiting? It's frustrating. I would love to "live in the now" and "take the bull by the horns," but sometimes you don't have a choice. Even when I am trying to be proactive, so as not to waste time, there are things out of my control. Then, when I think I finally have everything worked out for one situation, another obstacle pops up. It feels like a never ending story. I think someone should write a theme song about waiting. I would adopt it...

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Like Everybody Else, NOT

I think reality started to hit me tonight. Until now, I'm not sure I fully believed that our situation was really our situation. Even though hubby had an SA months ago that was not good, I found myself thinking things like, "Those results can't be right... I bet the lab made a mistake and hubby's numbers are fine... We can't really be infertile." Seeing the preliminary numbers for DH's most recent SAs finally made it feel really real. This isn't happening to "someone else," it's happening to us. We really are infertile. I'm the "someone else" this time.

This really shouldn't be news to me. It's not like we haven't had any problems up til now. In fact, we have really had nothing but problems. Even before we were married, I was charting because I knew my cycle was screwed up (at best). I grew up with stories of how it took my mom 7 years and 3 miscarriages to have me. My body is alarmingly like my mom's in many ways. I have been dreading infertility since before we started "trying" for a baby. I think the part I'm having a hard time adjusting to is that the problem isn't just my body. I don't think I ever expected hubby to really have a problem. It doesn't seem fair that we have to deal with problems in both of us! Isn't one person enough? My problems alone are enough to make pregnancy difficult, at best.

The reality of our situation is sinking in. Plans B, C, and D are looking much more probable now. I'm trying not to jump the gun. We still need to find out all of the details of DH's SA results and talk over options with the doctor. The problem is that I can't fool myself into thinking that the doc will say that everything is normal and we should be getting preggy any day now. Reality sucks sometimes. I've spent much of my life wanting to be unique/individual/different. This is one time I would much rather be "like everybody else."

Preliminary Results

Well, DH got some preliminary SA results over the phone from the nurse today. She didn't give him all of his numbers (she left out motility results, for one) so we don't have the complete picture. From what she did give us, it looks like his volume and count are good, and his antibody count was good (negative). It does look like his morphology numbers are pretty low (5%) though. Also, his hormone levels all seem to be on the low side. I'm not sure what all this means yet, but I have a growing feeling of dread. Hubby is pretty upset. He spent the better part of the afternoon doing internet research, which can make anyone crazy (as I'm sure you all know...). Unfortunately, we have to wait until Thursday for real answers. In the mean time, I think DH and I are bracing ourselves for the worst.

Friday, July 6, 2007

Haiku Meme

I thought Kirby's haiku meme sounded fun, so I decided to join.

endo cramps my style
with twisting, wrenching, bleeding
uterus in pain

acupuncture doc
pokes and prods, needles and herbs
but still I have cramps

no baby for me
only more blood, cramps, and tears
endo sucks, big time

I might try to write another one later. I would like to write a funny one, but it's not coming to me at the moment.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Physical and Mental Health Update

I'm not really up to an inspired, thoughtful post tonight. I just thought I would give a little update on our waiting game. Hubby deposited for his 2nd SA test this morning. The urology doc called this afternoon and left a message that they have hubby's 1st results in (I thought it took 2 days, but I guess it takes a week). We have an appt with the urologist next Thursday. Hubby said he would call to get his lab results tomorrow. I asked him if he really wanted to because before he wanted to wait. He said he would do whatever I wanted. At this point I don't know what I want.

As for me, I have been going to the acupuncturist for endo. Tomorrow will be my 10th visit (the doc originally thought I would only need 10 visits). I actually feel like I have more cramping from the endo now than I did before the acupuncture. I'm not sure what that means. I guess I'll just have to see what she says tomorrow.

Emotionally, today was not a good day. I actually started in a good mood. I don't know what happened, but around 10am I got in a funk and was kind of depressed. After that I fluxuated between my funk and tears for the rest of the day. It was really hard to get work done... Hubby was very supportive today (he's always supportive), especially since he had his turn at the funk-depressed day yesterday. I'm hoping I will wake up feeling better (and maintain that feeling) tomorrow. To help ensure a better day, I plan to wake up and do some DDR to get some endorphins pumping. In the mean time, sleep is what I need.