Monday, March 31, 2008

General Anxiety

Has anyone ever had this feeling? I'm sure it's pretty common in a stressful life. I feel anxious. There really isn't a specific reason (at least not one that I am conscious of). It's just a more general feeling right now. My husband is feeling stressed and overloaded with everything he has to do for work, school, and our yard (I can only help minimally with the yard) so I'm sure his stress is rubbing off on me a little. However, I think it's more than that.

Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.

I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.

But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.

I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...

I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Cardiologist Appt **Updated**

Monday 10am is my appointment with the cardiologist. Any prayers or good vibes you want to send my way would be appreciated. I haven't had as many episodes (in fact, almost none) since I brought it up with my obgyn, so hopefully it's not anything serious. I'm a little nervous about what the doc might tell me, but I'm trying to optimistic.



Well, there's not much to report right now. EKG looked normal, but I expected that. I only get the episodes periodically. They took some blood and I talked to the doc, but they're going to do some more tests. I go back on Thursday for an echo cardiogram and the doc wants me to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours (but he didn't give it to me today). So, maybe I'll know more Thursday, and maybe I won't.

Thanks for the prayers. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Blogger Issues

Does anyone know why I am able to edit my blog layout from my work computer but am not given the option on my home computer? I'm wondering if my settings at home are off. When I click on the "layout" tab at home the page doesn't load fully and I am not given the "Add a Page Element" option. And, I can't even see everything that is currently on my blog because the entire page doesn't load. I only see the top half of the page.

If anyone has an idea of how to help me with this situation, that would be great! I really shouldn't be working on this blog at work...



**p word warning: this post is mostly about my feelings during this pg**

I have been having trouble understanding the reality of how my life will change when this baby gets here. I think I have basically accepted that I am pg and that it is going to stick. I don't spend very much time freaking out or worrying anymore. And, I'm not completely petrified to tell people anymore. I am still waiting for the 2nd trimester, but it's a more a "just in case" reason rather than being scared out of my mind I will m/c at any moment.

The problem is, though, that I can't fully imagine how our life will change. I am so used to it being just the 2 of us. I can picture us holding a baby. I have ideas about how we will approach raising the baby. I just can't imagine the day in, day out reality of how my life will be completely different. I won't ever have to give this baby back to anyone. Which also means I won't be getting any sleep when the baby is sick, and I am responsible for changing all the diapers and cleaning up all the messes. Ironically, I have such a hard time imagining the reality of my situation that I still feel like I relate most to the blogs of ladies who are still ttc. I know that's kind of weird, but that't how I feel. Maybe I haven't accepted this pg as much as I thought I had...

This Easter mass I sat between 2 of my BIL's 4 kids and I loved it. I got a taste of what it will be like to be a mom teaching my kids about the mass. It was wonderful. I even appreciated the distractions. Whenever one of the girls was distracted, I took the opportunity to refocus her to what was happening in the mass (or, if it was a down time I prepped her for what was coming up).

So, I can sort of imagine all this stuff, but it doesn't really feel like it's happening to me. I don't really feel pg... Sure, I'm tired a lot and I get weird reactions to food sometimes, but I haven't gained any weight and all I have are a few pictures that could come from anyone's belly. I'm not complaining. I am thankful for the easy 1st tri. I just wish this experience felt more real to me. It doesn't feel like it's really happening to me. It all still feels surreal. I am thinking about renting a doppler so I can keep track of my baby's hb (and get reassurance that the pg is on track still). The one major fear I do have is that this pg will go to pot late in the 3rd tri and it will be the most heartbreaking pg ever.


In other news, this is my 100th post. I am actually kind of happy that my 100th post could be about a pg that has made it to 11w5d. I am almost to the breath-a-sigh-of-relief stage. Also, March 24th was my blogaversary. I guess Easter week has been a big week for me.

BTW, when exactly does the 3rd tri start? I have tried to look it up and it seems like everyone gives a different answer. If blogger will let me, I think I will post a poll.

Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. Maybe in my next post I will share a little more about my trip last weekend and my experience at Easter mass (that had nothing to do with the kiddos who were sitting next to me).

Friday, March 21, 2008

Happy Easter

I just wanted to give a quick shout out to everyone in blogland. We are going to visit family for Easter and won't be back until Tuesday. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. I am looking forward to seeing my neices (my BIL has 2 sets of twin girls). I am posting a picture for your viewing pleasure of one of the younger ones at 1-&-a-half. They are 3-&-a-half now. This is one of my favorite all-time pictures. =)

Monday, March 17, 2008

Happy Saint Paddy's Day!

I just had to to acknowledge this wonderful Irish holiday (even though, in the Church calendar this year it was preempted). My family heritage is Irish and I have been to Ireland a couple times. (It was AWESOME! You should Go! They are the nicest people I have ever met.) My family even has a leprechaun who lives with us sometimes and makes a lot of mischief. The good part about having a leprechaun as a kid was I could blame things on him when I did something wrong. I'm not sure how much my parents bought my explanations, but I tried... =)
**p word warning**
In health update news, I had my 10 week check up on Friday. The good news is that my doc offered to let me have an u/s if I wanted (as if I would EVER turn that down!). So, the baby is measuring exactly on target... 10w on Friday, 3.3cm long and 179 hb. It was very reassuring to see how baby was doing. My bbies have also decided to reassure me that things are on track by becoming bigger melons than normal (I have never been small... I started wearing a bra in 4th grade and I think it was a size B already...) and being tender all over. So far I have only gained 1 pound total (after I gained back the 5 pounds I lost from being sick). Hopefully I can keep the weight gain in check. I am hungry ALL THE TIME. I am also tired all the time. BUT, I'm not complaining, especially if I get to take a baby home at the end of all this.
There was one piece of news that was a little worrisome. I have been experiencing some weird things with my heart. It will sometimes race randomly and sometimes it will skip a beat. I have always had episodes like this, but they were always pretty far apart (once a month at most). Lately they have been coming 4-5 times a week, at least. So I am supposed to see a cardiologist. My doc said there is a pretty common heart valve problem that is exacerbated by pg. I'm hoping that whatever is going on is simple to fix and won't cause a big problem. However, I would appreciate some prayers. I'm let you know when I have an appt with the cardiologist.
Just got off the phone. My appt is Monday, March 31st. That was the first available, so I'll just have to be patient...

Monday, March 10, 2008

Giant Leap in Faith **UPDATED**

** P word mentioned ** (skip top part if you want)

Well, I decided to put up a ticker today. I have been trying to muster up the courage for a while now. I have to admit, I still feel some anxiety about putting up the ticker, especially before the 2nd trimester. I am trying to trust with an act of my will... However, I am still holding on to some caution. Recently a couple of my friends have announced that they are pg (one is newly pg, and one is due at the end of Sept.). I considered jumping on the bandwagon and telling everyone my news too. I even started writing up the announcement. But, then I got freaked out and deleted it before posting it. I just don't think I'm ready. I did tell 1 friend on Sunday, which didn't freak me out too much. But, she was the friend that came to take care of me during my first m/c, so she feels like a "safe" friend.

In other news, I am finally getting some pg symptoms. Well, my bbies are sore again (after 3 weeks of NO symptoms except for fatigue). I'm kind of grateful for the change. It's reassuring that things are happening in there. I also think I'm getting some RLP periodically. It doesn't last too long when it hits so it is manageable. I am also back to the weight I was right before I got sick. I gained the weight when I decided to have an ice cream milkshake the other day... I guess I shouldn't eat too many of those...

Pregnancy talk over.

I'm sorry if this post seems kind of down. I'm feeling kind of blah and I'm not sure if it came across or not. I had another frustrating experience with the same co-worker I've been struggling with lately. It wasn't anything as big as my last post about her, but she did drop the ball and then try to pass the buck and feign ignorance. I hate that. It really frustrates me!

Ok, rant over. It just basically comes down to I have a hard time with this woman in general. I really need to work on this. At this point I am so biased against her that I just don't like her. And, if I'm honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to like her. Please pray for me in this situation. It just makes my work situation uncomfortable. I want to want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I don't think she's vicious or intentionally mean or incompetent. I just think she doesn't have good communication skills and doesn't always take responsibility for her screw ups. She comes across as thoughtless, but I don't think it is intentional (at least I hope not). I don't think she's a bad person. I should be able to like her... or at least not dislike her. I can love her in a general Christian love for humanity way, right? I just need a little help getting there...


Kathy, Thanks for the good advice. I think God is trying to tell me something because when I woke up this morning I had a similar thought and had decided to do basically what you suggested. I am a little slow on the uptake though... Yesterday I heard a talk about the power of reconciliatory prayer and the importance of praying for people who you have a hard time with. Unfortunately, I didn't think of this coworker right away. I'm actually embarassed that it took me until this morning to decide to pray for reconciliation with her... But I eventually "got it" and have already started praying. I am supposed to pray until I receive a physical sign that I can stop. So, I don't know how long I will be saying this prayer. I am really looking forward to the day when the tension is gone and I can honestly appreciate her for the person God created her to be (see, I 'm already starting the postitive thinking...).

If anyone is interested in knowing the reconciliation prayer, I will be happy to email it to you. I have heard some miraculous stories about God's work through this prayer. I'm really looking forward to experiencing God's power to do what it is impossible for me to do myself! Another side effect of praying this prayer is that I am feeling more grateful and hopeful in general. For the first time in a long time I find myself spontaneously saying "God is good!!!!!" =)

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Natalie needs your support

Please go give Natalie and Den your support. They just lost their baby at 36 weeks, unexpectedly (and unexplained at this point). It really is a parent's worst nightmare! I can't imagine the pain. My heart is breaking for them.

Friday, March 7, 2008

9 weeks

Hey everyone. Thank you for all the comments to my last entry. Also, thanks to kcmarie122 for the shout out! Sorry for the silence this week. We got home Sunday night at 11pm and then my SIL showed up at 1am with her 3 year old son. We didn't know she was coming until Saturday, so we had to get the guest room ready when we got home Sunday night. They didn't leave until today so I've been a little busy... I've also been really tired this week. I actually had to take a short nap in my car in the middle of the day 2 times this week because I couldn't keep my eyes open (literally) any longer.

As for a health update, the spotting did turn red, but it finally stopped on Monday. I think it was due to a yeast infection. I did a Mon.istat 3 day treatment last weekend which seemed to help with the symptoms (except the spotting) immediately. Unfortunately, on the 4th day the symptoms all came back again. I am taking aci.dopholus and eating yogurt. I have my 10 week apt next Friday so I will ask the doc about it then. I am hesitant to use Mon.istat again so soon. I don't want to expose baby to too many drugs.... I am very happy to be pg, and to have gotten this far, but I kind of wish I had been able to complete my cand.ida cleanse before getting pg. I am worried that I am going to be fighting this yeast infection for at least a year (assuming I am able to breast feed). I'm not complaining though! If that's my trade off, I will take it! I will just be itchy for a year in the mean time...

In other news, according to some websites my baby is now a fetus (9 weeks). Some other websites don't name my baby a fetus for another week. I think I will consider myself graduated to the fetus mommy stage. It feels better to have another milestone under my belt. This week I started to feel more confident in this pg. I think getting past the 8w mark was important for me. I know it's still not a sure thing. I am still looking forward to the 2nd trimester. However, I do feel much calmer, especially since the spotting stopped.

Well, that's my update for now. I hope everyone is doing well.