Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Hope That Got Left Out

This morning I went back and read all the posts in my blog. (I may blog about the reason I did this later.) It is kind of odd to look at yourself with different eyes. I felt a little bit like I was visiting another blog and getting to know the author, but at the same time I felt like I was re-living our journey to this point. It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience and a flash back at the same time.

Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.

So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.

The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).

I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.

The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

More Tears

Well, the tears are back. The last few weeks I seem to have a teary day followed by an ok day followed by another teary day. Of course, there are also the teary days followed by another teary day too... I just don't seem to get many good days followed by another good day.

One of the things that pushed me over the edge today was an email by my co-worker whose wife had a baby last week.

Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I just want to let you know that even in the excitement of the last week for Lindsay and me, I’ve held your struggles in my heart. You are not alone in your desire to have children and your feelings of disappointment at that prayer seeming to go unanswered… at least thus far. I pray for you, Shari, Renee, and many others that are attempting to come to grips with these circumstances… Lindsay and I both have taken a very intentional approach every time we are awakened in the middle of the night to remember you all in prayer. We accept the tiredness and lack of sleep and offer it up for all those who desire children and for whatever reason haven’t had that joy yet. Every time someone asks about how tired I am, or should be, I remember you guys.

My mother had several miscarriages and lost my oldest sister at about 4 days old. Though we never met, somehow, I’ve always had some connection to my oldest sister in heaven feeling like she was the one looking out for me in the darkest days of my depressions. I wrote a song about her. My mom ended up having 10 more kids including me after 40, so don’t lose hope, you are not forsaken, God has a plan for joy for you even if you can’t see it. Remember, you’ve got a little angel in heaven that is a product of the love you and your husband share.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are loved and supported. God has wonderful things in store for you and he is hearing your prayers. Don’t give up.

I was genuinely touched reading this email. Of course, I was crying half way through the first paragraph... For someone who has no experience of infertility (they conceived their 2nd month of marriage) he is very sympathetic. I appreciate that he takes the time to remember us infertiles as he is going through the "pains" of having a newborn. I appreciate that he doesn't get swept up in the fertile world's ignorance (ignoring) of us "poor" infertiles. I wish more people would attempt to keep us in mind. Sometimes being Catholic is hard because I am around a lot of people with large families. And, they're not just people with large families... They are people with large families who feel like the world conspires against them so they constantly feel the need to defend the "rightness" of having a large family. I hear a lot of complaining about comments and looks people get because they have 6 kids... "Are they ALL yours?" "Don't you know how to control yourselves?" "How do you afford all of them?" I just sit there listening, thinking to myself, "I would give almost anything to switch places with you!"

One consequence of my struggle with infertility is that I look at other families much differently now. Before experiencing IF when I saw a family with odd spacing of children, or a couple who had been married for a while and didn't have children, I used to think that they didn't want children or were possibly being selfish in some way. I was such an idiot! Now when I see odd spacing or a childless couple I say a prayer for them. They may not all have struggled with IF, but I bet most of them have.

OK, I feel like I'm just rambling at this point so I will log off for tonight.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Ups and Downs

I am usually pretty steady in my emotions, but lately I have been pretty moody. I have been crying randomly and anxious much of the time and the smallest thing can throw me for a tailspin. It is really starting to wear on me. For example, yesterday I woke up in a decent mood. Right as we were leaving I went to grab the new insurance paperwork to put in my car and hubby told me that we had to make a copy of it. I said that I could just tear it in half because there were 2 copies on the page. He questioned me at first (because he hadn't looked at the paper closely). I took his questioning as a personal insult that I was not intelligent enough to read the paper... Uummm, can you say major over-reaction!?! I knew that it was an overaction, even in the moment, but I was still steaming mad. It took me a while to calm down so that I wasn't angry about it. Unfortunately, even when I let go of the anger, I still felt very anxious. Then hubby was worried about me so he started to hover, which only annoyed me more. Finally I told him to just go to school and I would deal on my own. I had to go away and pray for 20 minutes to calm myself down. When I sat down to pray I burst into tears. I wasn't crying for a particular reason. I was just overcome with a general sense of anxiety. I got myself under control, but I never really found peace all day.

Today was nice though. I woke up with more energy than normal. I did some yoga, went for a walk with hubby, pulled some weeds, took a shower, drove my NEW car to work (a silver Honda Fit, in case you're interested), and accomplished a couple things on my to do list at work. I was really tired when I got home, but overall it was a good day. I only felt a little bit of anxiety this afternoon, but that was because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my job. Since that happens on a regular basis, I don't really count it.

I hope I have more days like today. I am really tired of being so emotional! It really drains me. I know I need to pray more and exercise more. I am working on the exercise. I still have mixed feelings about praying. Sometimes I pray (or at least spend some time in silence with God) because I am so desparate I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really want to pray. Basically, I'm moody about my prayer time too. Man! I feel like I'm in junior high school again. It's like I have a perpetual case of PMS or something.

In other news, I started having fertile mucus yesterday and there was some brown spotting with it. I really hope it's not a sign of something bad. It could be that my endo is getting worse, or it could be that my progesterone is low again. My doc just increased my progesterone dosage for this cycle, so after I O I start the new dosage. After this cycle we can start TTC again, so I really don't want to have any major problems return!

OK, I'm so tired now I feel dead on my feet. I'm sending myself to my room... I hope everyone (as in all my wonderful loyal readers) is doing well!

OH, one more thing I forgot to tell you: My labs came back within normal range. However, since I have a history of having a clotting issue, my doc wants me to take baby asprin as soon as I get pregnant again. I asked the nurse to send me a copy of my lab results so I can look them up. I thought it was odd that he would want me to take baby asprin if I was really ok. The clotting issue I had was when I was 2 and my bone marrow stopped producing platelets for about 6 months. So, I didn't have too much clotting... I didn't have any clotting. Does anyone know anything about this?

K, bed for real now.

Friday, October 19, 2007

I Want to be Happy for Others!

One of the results of my struggle with infertility and m/c is that I have now been robbed of the ability to just be happy for others (without any personal misery/baggage wrapped up in the feelings). This Monday a co-worker's wife had a baby. The baby was 6 weeks early (he's fine though) so we didn't expect the announcement quite this soon. This co-worker got married in January and they were pregnant in February. When I heard in March they were pregnant I had a very difficult time. I told him I was happy for them... The truth is I just felt bitter and sad for me. I was struggling with the "It's not fair" syndrome. On Monday when I heard they had the baby I still felt a little bitter, but mostly I felt very sad. The announcement felt like a stab to my heart. I think it was intensified because I "should" be pregnant right now. Instead of being able to be happy for them and rejoice in the gift of new life I am left to mourn the loss of the life I briefly carried and cry over the emptiness I feel. I resent that have lost the ability to feel pure joy for someone else.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Yet Again, CD1

It's CD1 today. It did come the "regular" time after I think I O'd, so that's good. I didn't have the usual pre-cramps twinges and my cramps today are a little worse than normal. However, my flow doesn't seem to have clots (at least so far... knock on wood) which is good news. It does make me wonder about the menses I had the cycle before my bfp, which had very heavy clotting. DH thinks I might have had a very early m/c that cycle because I had a lot of clots and really thick blood. My period started 13dpo and I never poas so I don't know for sure. I would prefer to think that my body was just getting rid of some endometriosis. And, speaking of choosing to think of things in a positive light, this marks the beginning of the 2nd cycle after my m/c which means that we can start trying again next cycle. Hopefully I will be pregnant 2 months from now. Our 2nd anniversary is Dec. 3rd. A BFP would be a great anniversary present...

I talked to my doc's office yesterday and they said that some of my labs are complete but they wanted to wait until they had the whole work-up before talking to me about the results. So, they should know by Tuesday what the results are. I'm not too nervous. I had some tests done a few years ago for clotting issues and things came back within normal limits. So, the tests this time around are more of a pre-caution because I did have a clotting issue as a toddler. I am just looking for some reassurance that the clotting issues haven't returned.

In other news, I turn 31 tomorrow. 31 years of life, 22 months of marriage, 19 months TTC, 1 pg, and 0 babies living in my house. I did have a nice time a my party last night though. We had some friends over and ate tacos and played dominos and laughed. It was fun. I didn't let myself think about losing my baby most of the night. When I do let myself think about it I am overcome with a wave of grief that threatens to bring me to my knees. I hope my grief dulls at least a little some time soon.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Random Crying

I started crying randomly for no reason today. Several people at work told me they could tell, from looking at my eyes, that I was not doing well. I think that's a polite way of saying I look like crap... I did kind of feel like crap today and I'm not really sure why. The only thing I could come up with is that I have been repressing my feelings and they are boiling over when my stress level gets too high. The thing is, I think crying (especially when I'm at work) just raises my stress level, so it kind of defeats the purpose.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Two Income Household

My husband got the job he interviewed for on Monday! This is very good news as he's been looking since May. It's been kind of a bumpy job search because he has been trying to change careers. He's in school for a new career path, but since his degree and experience is all in another field, it has been difficult for him to break into the new career. The job he got isn't exactly in the new field, but it's not in the old one either. And, he will have great benefits, so that is a bonus. Now we have 2 weeks to find a second car before hubby starts training... :)

On the fertility front I saw my doc yesterday morning. He wants to test for any possible clotting issues since I had an issue as a toddler and I recently m/c'd. So yesterday I gave 7 vials of blood... I should have the results back on Monday. I hope the results come back normal, but if not at least we'll be able to treat it before I have to m/c a 2nd time. I also asked the doc what he thought about us ttc next month (only 1 period after m/c). He said he prefers for his patients to wait until they have 2 regular cycles so that he can be sure that the uterus is ready for implantation and is "in sync" with the ovaries. He said that often the ovaries start working after a m/c before the uterus is ready for implantation. He has experienced many women in his practice who get pg the 1st cycle after a m/c and then end up m/cing again because their uterus wasn't ready. I want to avoid another m/c more than I want to be pg next month, so I was convinced to wait. Even though I m/c'd early I could tell my body was affected because I O'd a week later than normal.

I handled the doc visit ok. I only cried when I had my blood drawn because the lab tech had remembered me from my betas so she figured out I m/c'd. She has a clotting disorder and m/c'd her first 3 pg's, so she was very empathetic. After getting my blood drawn I went back to get my husband so we could check out and I ran into my friend who is pregnant with her 5th baby in 7 years. She was there to get her 19 week sonogram. She had her husband and 3 of the kids with her. I don't know what you call that kind of situation... ironic? Whatever it is, it stung a little. I am genuinely happy for her! I'm just extremely jealous.

OK, I'm exhausted. I've had a lot of early mornings and late nights this week. I was going to talk about 1 more thing, but I can't remember what it was. So, good night to all. Thank you for your prayers and support recently. It really has helped me cope.

Friday, October 5, 2007

I suck

I just noticed how long it had been since I last posted. I'm sorry for the silence. I have been around reading other people's blogs, I just haven't felt like writing myself. I'm doing ok (considering the circumstances). Yesterday I was pretty emotional, but most days I just do my best not to think about our loss. I had spiritual direction on Monday and that was really good for me. My director gave me some homework (tips for taking better care of myself mainly). I haven't really done my homework yet, but I want to (which is a step in the right direction). This week we were late coming home almost every day, so it was kind of a tiring week. (And, I have to work tomorrow morning for a few hours. :( I'm NOT excited about getting up early an extra day!)

My husband got a call today to schedule an interview for Monday. We really need the extra income, so any prayers you want to throw our way would be appreciated.

I will try to be better at posting.