What's in a Gift

One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.

A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.

So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.

That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.

So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.