I woke up this morning and my bbies were still sore. Also, I started feeling a little bit nauseaus during the night and it hadn't gone away. So, what was the first thing I thought of doing (remember, I'm only 8dpo)? POAS, of course! Yes, I am "that girl," the one who POAS too soon. I thought that maybe I was "really" pg this time because I am having such strong symptoms. I thought maybe my HCG levels would have been high enough to show up on a test because my symptoms are so early and so strong.
So, what was the result? It was a bfn of course. I'm not upset though. It is still early... probably too early for any test to be positive...
OK, shower time.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Symptoms, Part 2
It just hit me that my hope for this cycle just sky-rocketed... which means that if I'm not pg, I will be that much more upset. Now I'm scared.
Symptoms
Well, today is 7dpo (I was wrong on my counting yesterday when I said I was 5dpo) and I think I have a couple symptoms today. This afternoon I felt a twinge that felt similar (although less intense) to the implantation cramps I had on my bfp cycle. That wasn't what excited me though. Tonight I was changing into comfortable clothes and accidentally grazed my bbie... and it was SORE! Sore bbies was really the only real symptom I had during my bfp cycle because I m/c'd so soon. That cycle I had 1 day of tender bbies on 8dpo and then nothing until my poas positive on 16dpo. I am hoping that the strength of the soreness and the earliness of the symptom are a good sign...
The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.
Ok, time to take my progesterone!
The other symptom today was that I was mooooooooody! Man, my swings were wider than the Sahara! I felt the full range of emotions within a single hour... and that was just this morning. Normally I am pretty steady [well, before the m/c I was, and lately my moods have stabalized a little more than they had, although I am still prone to cry] so this was kind of difficult to deal with. Hopefully this was a symptom too. Can impantation make you moody? Maybe I'm just making crap up.
Ok, time to take my progesterone!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Waiting, Again
I'm officially in my first tww since my m/c. I am 5dpo today. This cycle was a little weird. I thought I had ovulated on cd7 because of ovulation pains and CM, but then on cd 11 I got ewcm even though I had already taken a day's dosage of progesterone. So, I had to stop the progesterone and hope that I didn't preempt my ovulation. I never got a positive opk during either "fertile" period, so who knows what happened for sure.
I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.
We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.
The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!
Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...
God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.
I am nervous about this cycle. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on it for us to conceive. I just can't bear the thought of going through Advent and Christmas not pregnant. First of all, this is my first chance to be pregnant again after the m/c, so I feel like I "should" be pg. Also, it seems like there are a million pg women during this time of year. And, there is a huge focus on Mary's pregnancy that is hard to avoid. I find myself having difficulty listening to many favorite Christmas carols because they are so focused on the virgin pg and birth.
We did try to help the situation by copying what we did when I did get pg (at least to the best of our ability). TMI alert: In Aug I didn't not have caffeine, we changed our position so I was on top (because of my tipped uterus) and we did the baby dance every day. The only thing that was different this month is that hubby was not taking the RX that encouraged his body to produce more testosterone. He didn't like the side affects.
The other thing that puts pressure on this month is that Hubby now works nights. This time around my fertile time corresponded with Thanksgiving break, so we had the time to bd a lot. In the future, timing will be difficult. Honestly, the thought of not conceiving this cycle makes me panic. I feel like I will never conceive at a later date... I know that's not logical, but that's how I feel. I have become the crazy obsessed ttc lady. Hubby is even starting to make comments. It's just that I was so happy when I was pg... Since my m/c it takes all of my energy to not sob from the pain 24-7... I seem to have these wild mood swings. I can wake up and and be in a good mood... until I remember my m/c or run into a pg woman or just think about how long it took me to get pg the first time and the problems we faced. Sometimes I think that my situation has not improved at all, and that scares the shit out of me. It doesn't help when I hear about people getting pg without even trying... I wish the bio clock in my head would just shut up! It just makes me feel like shit!
Oh, the last thing that freaks me out is that I have had a lot of new and intense cramps this cycle. Now I have to worry about my endo getting worse...
God, please help me to both accept your will and want (deep down) what you have planned for me.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What's in a Gift
One thing that my struggle with IF has done for (to) me is make me aware of blessings. I am acutely aware of my own blessings and the blessings of others (especially when they are blessed with children). I also found myself starting to slip into the "It's not fair!" trap when I saw other people blessed with children who "didn't deserve" their children. I didn't like feeling like that. I hated the angry, bitter, envious person who was emerging. It became harder and harder to focus on those blessings. I would cringe every time people talked about children being a "gift" because I didn't understand why I wasn't given that gift, but other "unworthy" people (aka: crack whores) were. Then, the realization came.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
A gift is something that is a blessing that is freely given by the giver. A gift cannot be "earned," otherwise it is not really a gift, it is a payment. If the receiver has an expectation of receiving a gift and of what the gift "should" be, then it is not a real gift. There is no freedom in that situation. Nobody is entitled to a gift. The giver is free to give what ever and when ever they wish. If I put an expectation on the giver for a particular gift at a particular time then I am trying to manipulate the giver... It is an infringement on their free will.
So, what does this mean for me in my struggle with IF? If and when God chooses to gift me with a child is completely outside of me. The fact that I don't have any children and crack whores do is not a reflection on my worthiness to be a mother (or theirs). If children are a gift, then God must be free to give that gift to anyone.
That brings me to the epiphany my spiritual director lead me to. The things in my life are my path to salvation. The suffering I am going through with IF can become my path to heaven, if I allow myself to grow through this experience. Already I am more empathetic and understanding with other people and their struggles. See, I'm becoming a better person already... This has helped me come to terms with why God might give a crack whore a child. Maybe that child is their path to salvation. They just don't always accept the path and choose to make the best of it.
So, here I wait, trying to make the most of the gifts I am given and become my best self. I don't feel as bitter as I used to, although I do have to periodically remind myself that a real gift is freely given.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
The Hope That Got Left Out
This morning I went back and read all the posts in my blog. (I may blog about the reason I did this later.) It is kind of odd to look at yourself with different eyes. I felt a little bit like I was visiting another blog and getting to know the author, but at the same time I felt like I was re-living our journey to this point. It was kind of like having an out-of-body experience and a flash back at the same time.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
Anyway, toward the end I realized that I haven't told you about the hope I have been feeling lately. About the time we found out I was pg we started praying a novena to St. Jude to help our financial situation. Hubby definitely felt hopeless about this and St. Jude is the patron saint of hopeless causes. Then we m/c'd so we added fertility to the prayer (another hopeless cause). Then, on the 9th day of the novena Hubby was offered a job (he starts training tomorrow)! It felt like a miracle. It didn't feel like a miracle because I thought he wouldn't get a job (I actually think he's very intelligent and capable and I KNEW he would get a job), but it felt miraculous because he got a job so quickly (they offered him the job during the interview) and the suffering was going to ease up (I didn't think it would). It was miraculous that we would finally have a little bit of financial breathing room.
So, since then we have continued to pray to St. Jude for intercession. There is a line in the prayer that says, "Intercede with God for me that He bring visible and speedy help where help is almost despaired of. Come to my assistance in this great need that I may receive the consolation and help of heaven in my necessities, tribulations, and sufferings." I like that the prayer asks for specific help (the visible and speedy kind). With our financial situation we definitely received visible and speedy help. With our fertility the visible and speedy help couldn't come in the form of another pg because we weren't trying (still on the prescribed 2 month wait). So, help had to come another way. I think that help came in the form of hope. I haven't felt hopeless for a few weeks. And, I'm trying to hold on to that hope and not let the cynicism take over. Since St. Jude is the patron of hopeless causes I think he knows what hopelessness can do to people. Hope might be one of the only "visible" ways he can offer me help in the area of fertility.
The other visible sign of fertility improvement is my cycle. Last cycle I O'd on cd 15 (a couple days later than I had been) and had a 27 day cycle (instead of my previous 24-25 days). That is definitely in the officially "normal" category. This cycle I O'd on cd 14 (that's text book). Last cycle I thought the change was because my body was still recovering from the m/c. That may still be true. However, people say that once you have been pg it can "reboot" your body into more normal cycles. I am hoping this is true for me. I guess I will only know for sure in the coming months when we start TTC again (next cycle!!!).
I kind of hate to say the next thing, because I don't want to encourage any kind of assvice or insensitive comments (not from you, my readers, but from the fertile world in general). However, I do feel some hope in the knowledge that I can, in fact, achieve pg'y. (However, I did still cringe when people said to me, "At least you know you can get pg.") For a long time I wasn't sure this was possible. This doesn't take away the grief I feel about the m/c or about the year and a half of IF. It's just that I don't feel hopeless about the future. I still have some worries. The unknown can be scary. But, I don't feel a sense of dread regarding my fertility and the future. It's been kind of nice. The hope has felt like a small bit of relief from the drudgery of pain and mourning. Lately I have been believing that we will be parents sometime in the foreseeable future.
The other thing that I've been thinking about lately is the meaning of gift. That willl be the subject of my next post.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
More Tears
Well, the tears are back. The last few weeks I seem to have a teary day followed by an ok day followed by another teary day. Of course, there are also the teary days followed by another teary day too... I just don't seem to get many good days followed by another good day.
One of the things that pushed me over the edge today was an email by my co-worker whose wife had a baby last week.
Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I just want to let you know that even in the excitement of the last week for Lindsay and me, I’ve held your struggles in my heart. You are not alone in your desire to have children and your feelings of disappointment at that prayer seeming to go unanswered… at least thus far. I pray for you, Shari, Renee, and many others that are attempting to come to grips with these circumstances… Lindsay and I both have taken a very intentional approach every time we are awakened in the middle of the night to remember you all in prayer. We accept the tiredness and lack of sleep and offer it up for all those who desire children and for whatever reason haven’t had that joy yet. Every time someone asks about how tired I am, or should be, I remember you guys.
My mother had several miscarriages and lost my oldest sister at about 4 days old. Though we never met, somehow, I’ve always had some connection to my oldest sister in heaven feeling like she was the one looking out for me in the darkest days of my depressions. I wrote a song about her. My mom ended up having 10 more kids including me after 40, so don’t lose hope, you are not forsaken, God has a plan for joy for you even if you can’t see it. Remember, you’ve got a little angel in heaven that is a product of the love you and your husband share.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are loved and supported. God has wonderful things in store for you and he is hearing your prayers. Don’t give up.
Curtis
I was genuinely touched reading this email. Of course, I was crying half way through the first paragraph... For someone who has no experience of infertility (they conceived their 2nd month of marriage) he is very sympathetic. I appreciate that he takes the time to remember us infertiles as he is going through the "pains" of having a newborn. I appreciate that he doesn't get swept up in the fertile world's ignorance (ignoring) of us "poor" infertiles. I wish more people would attempt to keep us in mind. Sometimes being Catholic is hard because I am around a lot of people with large families. And, they're not just people with large families... They are people with large families who feel like the world conspires against them so they constantly feel the need to defend the "rightness" of having a large family. I hear a lot of complaining about comments and looks people get because they have 6 kids... "Are they ALL yours?" "Don't you know how to control yourselves?" "How do you afford all of them?" I just sit there listening, thinking to myself, "I would give almost anything to switch places with you!"
One consequence of my struggle with infertility is that I look at other families much differently now. Before experiencing IF when I saw a family with odd spacing of children, or a couple who had been married for a while and didn't have children, I used to think that they didn't want children or were possibly being selfish in some way. I was such an idiot! Now when I see odd spacing or a childless couple I say a prayer for them. They may not all have struggled with IF, but I bet most of them have.
OK, I feel like I'm just rambling at this point so I will log off for tonight.
One of the things that pushed me over the edge today was an email by my co-worker whose wife had a baby last week.
Hope you are doing okay. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and praying for you. I just want to let you know that even in the excitement of the last week for Lindsay and me, I’ve held your struggles in my heart. You are not alone in your desire to have children and your feelings of disappointment at that prayer seeming to go unanswered… at least thus far. I pray for you, Shari, Renee, and many others that are attempting to come to grips with these circumstances… Lindsay and I both have taken a very intentional approach every time we are awakened in the middle of the night to remember you all in prayer. We accept the tiredness and lack of sleep and offer it up for all those who desire children and for whatever reason haven’t had that joy yet. Every time someone asks about how tired I am, or should be, I remember you guys.
My mother had several miscarriages and lost my oldest sister at about 4 days old. Though we never met, somehow, I’ve always had some connection to my oldest sister in heaven feeling like she was the one looking out for me in the darkest days of my depressions. I wrote a song about her. My mom ended up having 10 more kids including me after 40, so don’t lose hope, you are not forsaken, God has a plan for joy for you even if you can’t see it. Remember, you’ve got a little angel in heaven that is a product of the love you and your husband share.
Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are loved and supported. God has wonderful things in store for you and he is hearing your prayers. Don’t give up.
Curtis
I was genuinely touched reading this email. Of course, I was crying half way through the first paragraph... For someone who has no experience of infertility (they conceived their 2nd month of marriage) he is very sympathetic. I appreciate that he takes the time to remember us infertiles as he is going through the "pains" of having a newborn. I appreciate that he doesn't get swept up in the fertile world's ignorance (ignoring) of us "poor" infertiles. I wish more people would attempt to keep us in mind. Sometimes being Catholic is hard because I am around a lot of people with large families. And, they're not just people with large families... They are people with large families who feel like the world conspires against them so they constantly feel the need to defend the "rightness" of having a large family. I hear a lot of complaining about comments and looks people get because they have 6 kids... "Are they ALL yours?" "Don't you know how to control yourselves?" "How do you afford all of them?" I just sit there listening, thinking to myself, "I would give almost anything to switch places with you!"
One consequence of my struggle with infertility is that I look at other families much differently now. Before experiencing IF when I saw a family with odd spacing of children, or a couple who had been married for a while and didn't have children, I used to think that they didn't want children or were possibly being selfish in some way. I was such an idiot! Now when I see odd spacing or a childless couple I say a prayer for them. They may not all have struggled with IF, but I bet most of them have.
OK, I feel like I'm just rambling at this point so I will log off for tonight.
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