MIA Update

Sorry for the long period of MIA. Kathy V, thanks for checking in on me! I'm sorry I worried you. I am doing well. I am 36 weeks along and have been very healthy. I am now seeing my OB weekly. Hubby and I took a Lamaze class last weekend and have had our final prep meeting with our doula. Supposedly we are ready for labor/birth. I feel pretty good, but am tired most of the time. For a while now (over a month) I have been feeling like my baby will come early. I think I was right. Over the weekend I started to have some pre-labor symptoms (menstral crampy feelings, braxton hicks contractions, and baby lowering into my pelvis). I haven't lost my mucus plug or had regular contractions, so I am not considered to be in actual labor yet. However, I do kind of expect to go into labor within the next couple weeks. I have to admit, I hope that I do go into labor shortly after I pass 37 weeks... I'm tired of being this pregnant and all the awkwardness that goes along with it. However, I am proud that I have only gained 20 pounds and that my ankles still look normal. For some reason that feels like an accomplishment... Here's a fairly recent picture:

The above picture is from the baby shower my friends threw for me over labor day weekend. I am the huge one on the left. I was 34 weeks at the time. I'm bigger now... The woman to the left of me is due about a month after I am. The third woman on the right is not pregnant. She is "filling in" for our friend who wasn't able to be at the shower and is a couple weeks ahead of me but who looks like she just had Thanksgiving dinner. There was a lot of laughter while this picture was being taken...

It is getting late so I am going to sign off for now. I will try to be a better blogger. I will let you know when my baby arrives and post some pictures. Thank you to all of you who are still checking in on me. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

28w Pictures

My "girls" outgrew the green shirt, so I decided to switch outfits. I think this one will last until my kid shows...

Oh, and I'm officially in the 3rd trimester now! =D

Identity Shift

Lately I have been reflecting on how I have formed my identity as a bodily person. Included in that is how I feel about my body and it's ability to perform (both basic tasks and more complicated proceedings). It's kind of weird to reflect on your relationship with your own body. I think I have had a kind of love-hate relationship for much of my life. As a child I went through several periods of poor health, of varying degrees. Fortunately, these periods were separated by times of pretty good health, so I did have some experience of having a body that worked the way it was "supposed" to (at least in certain aspects).

I have been chubby for much of my life, which I hate, and have consequently not felt very attractive during certain periods. However, I have also been on the weight loss/gain yo-yo so there have been periods where I felt confident in my own skin and reasonably attractive. It was also during those "lighter" periods where I felt more confident in my body's abilities. For example, about 6 years ago I was practicing yoga on a regular basis. I lost a lot of weight and was in great shape. I was also pretty strong and flexible. This was a time during which I felt capable... of anything...

Unfortunately, that feeling didn't last. I moved jobs and states and experienced the most stressful year of my life. I gained more weight than ever and quit taking care of myself. That year was pretty rough on my self esteem too. The capable strength I had developed the previous year was erroded away. I had some health issues and was very lonely. It was a difficult time. Even though I lost (and gained) weight a few more times in the years to follow I don't think I ever fully recovered.

Fast forward to 2005 when I realized how badly my reproductive system was messed up. Even before I got married I suspected I would have fertility troubles. I have always had bad cramps. In grad school (2002-2005) I had some problems with anovulatory cycles and unusual amounts of bleeding. Add to that the stories my mom told me about the troubles conceiving and maintaining a pregnancy she and my aunt had and you can see why I started to identify with IF women, even before I started officially trying and had trouble. I tried to be proactive and get my difficulties diagnosed early so I could "combat" them before I had to experience years of trouble... After I passed the year mark ttc, I think the pipe dream I had of being the "exception" who could circumvent the "troubles" died. After my first m/c the last sliver of my pipe dream of beating the odds died. It was the final "evidence" that, even on progesterone and carefully monitored care, my body was a failure when it came to procreation... My identity as a failure as a woman was secured.

My identity as a failure stayed with me despite a BFP, despite reaching the 2nd trimester, despite seeing a healthy baby at my 18w u/s. I am tired of feeling like a failure!

The book on healing I read on retreat a couple months ago really helped me pray for healing and find some peace. There were some experiences in my past that really needed Jesus' healing. I had been walking around with the weight of that pain for many years. I now feel a good deal of peace having given over the pain and invited Jesus into those experiences. This new-found peace has lead me to slowly start to change the way I experience life in the here and now. It has also affected how I view myself and how I approach some situations.

Add to my new-found healed self the research I have been doing on labor and birthing options and you get a shift in identity. After watching the movie "The Bu.siness of Being B.orn" I figured out that there were a lot more decisions than I had realized that needed to be made about my labor. I am a nerd so, obviously, I went into major research mode. I started reading up on doulas and various natural birth methods. I especially like the books from the Sears Parenting Library. I have learned a lot about my options... MUCH more than I was told today at my all day "birthing" class at the hospital. I am still researching, but I'm feeling much more confident about knowing my options when my labor comes.

What does all my research have to do with my self-reflection? Reading all these books and talking to doulas has had an unexpected side-effect. The natural birthing culture (if you can call it a culture) is VERY supportive of a woman's ability to do what her body is made to do... to give birth. I have been inundated with a lot of positive, uplifting messages. It's starting to sink in.

Lately I have been feeling empowered and strong. I'm tired of feeling like an IF victim. I like feeling like a normal healthy pregnant woman. I like feeling empowered. I really think that my positive outlook can only be good for my baby. I know that, at the very least, too much anxiety can negatively affect my baby. So, I've decided that I'm going to continue to choose to be positive with my thoughts and behave like a "normal" and healthy pregnant woman.

There is more to blog about on this topic, but I'm tired and this post is already too long. Look for part 2 to come soon.

26w Belly Shot

Here is the latest picture. I definitely think I have grown since my last picture. I've been trying to wear the same shirt for easier comparison. I might not be able to wear this shirt for much longer, though, because my girls are starting to fall out of it... I think I mentioned my problem with my growing "melons" (as Kathy V. calls them)? Well, let's just say it's still a problem.

Other than that, things are looking good. I think the baby has moved up a bit because I haven't had as much pressure lately. That has been nice! I did have some pain around my belly button for a few days (which I think might have been from diastasis) but I have been more careful about how I move and what positions I sit in and the pain has subsided. I have also been doing some breathing exercizes that I read about on a midwifery site. They have actually helped a lot!

I know there are more tidbits from life to update on, but I am really tired. I'm going to take advantage of the long weekend and go take a nap... =)

GTT Results

I have been waiting for the results of my glucose tolerance test since last Friday. Finally today I got tired of waiting and called my doc's office. The nurse said that my results were normal and everything was fine. That's good! I would have been really worried if I hadn't passed because I am already taking met...

Mural Decisions

I know it's been a while since I discussed the baby's room mural. After I posted the poll with 3 options my mom heard back about the original idea of the mural I had as a kid. So, we were waiting to see if anything came of that. Apparently, the mural company contacted the artist (Stewart Moskowitz) to see if he would be interested in signing a new contract to allow his picture to be used in a mural again. I guess he agreed, but they are still (as of July 2nd) waiting for him to sign the contract. I looked at the picture on Moskowitz's website and I do like it. The colors are more vibrant than they appeared on the 25 year-old box cut out picture... However, at this point hubby and I are getting anxious about having enough time left to get the room together...

The other part of the story is that I didn't fully love any of the 3 options that I posted for the poll. I loved everything about "Noah's Ark" except the eyes on the animals, which just make them look crazed. I don't really want my baby to dream about crazed animals... I like "Noah and the Rainbow" except for the pink sky and the pastel colors in the rainbow. I wish the sky were more blue and the rainbow was made with more primary colors. I've decided that I don't really like "Two by Two" any more, although I DO like the concept of having the fish and animals visible. Hubby was never fully 100% happy with any of those 3 options either, so we went back to the drawing board (so-to-speak).

Stewart Moskowitz has some other great images (I really liked his Noah Submarine), but he doesn't offer murals through his site and I don't even know if he is actually going to sign a contract for the 1st image, let alone other images. However, I think we found another option that we both like. It doesn't show land animals, but the ocean looks really cool (like you could just dive into the picture and swim with the sea creatures) and it includes the boat, rainbow and dove parts of the Noah story so it would be good for story telling. Here is the link and picture:

Ocean Noah

What do you think? Do you like it?

It's all Good

The short story is that even though I still feel the same pressure and periodic pain of the past few days, I have been taken off bedrest. Thank you to everyone who has been thinking of me and praying for me! If you want to know the longer story keep reading.

Yesterday when I talked to the nurse she told me to rest for the day and call back in the morning with an update. Well, this morning's update was that I still felt the same symptoms. So, the doc's office scheduled me for 1:30. I contacted work and took another day off... [I only have 2 days to roll-over to next year, but my anniversary date is in July so hopefully I'll get to keep those for maternity leave!] Then I hung out on the couch until it was time to leave.

Once at the doctor's they combined this appointment with the stuff (GTT test, u/s to check on placenta placement, regular 25/26w check-in) they were going to do on Tuesday. It's nice I don't have to go back next week!

As for the results, I find out about the GTT either tomorrow or Monday. I didn't really feel that weird after drinking the orange stuff... I don't know if that's a good thing or not... I'm still taking metformin so if my blood sugar is off I am in real trouble! I have gained 10 pounds total this pg. Doc said he would be fine if I didn't gain any more weight, or if I even lost some (but I'm not supposed to TRY to loose weight). Not sure how I feel about the weight gain issue...

The baby weighs 1.9 pounds and is in the 84th percentile. (Hubby and I are both shorter so I don't know where he gets it!) As for the other stuff, the answer to everything is "4." My cervix measured 4cm. (It got longer!!!! It was 3.65 last time!) My placenta is 4cm away from my cervix. (Yay!!!! That means I can have a vaginal delivery without worrying about bleeding to death!) You may be wondering where the cervical pressure is coming from... Baby has decided that it is time to put his head right up against my cervix. He's very impatient I guess. Apparently this is not all that uncommon. And, he could still change positions multiple times before it's "time."

I left feeling mostly encouraged. I'm VERY glad to know that baby is doing well and that my cervix is in good shape. I was shocked that it has actually gotten longer! I didn't know that happened at this stage in the game. However, I'll take it (especially over the alternative)!! I felt kind of silly that the nurse put me on bedrest when I am fine and I know so many others who are dealing with much more serious conditions and are on bedrest. When it's your first time this far along in pg, it's really hard to know what is a normal ache or pain and what is something to worry about. My doc said that the feelings I've been having are basically going to be considered my new "normal." So, unless the pressure/pain drastically change or get much worse, I shouldn't worry. I guess I just get to be one of those lucky pg ladies who is uncomfortable for a long time... BUT, I'm not complaining! As long as baby is doing well and staying put, I am happy!!!!

In other more frivolous news, the baby still isn't cooperating in having his profile picture taken. He definitely takes after his dad--he apparently doesn't like to have his picture taken. The u/s tech did get a 3/4 face shot that looks pretty cool and not quite so skeleton like...

OK. That's the update. Thanks again for checking in on me!