Sunday, August 12, 2007

Foreshadowing Twinge

Sometimes I like to know what is going to happen, and sometimes I prefer to stay in suspense, depending on the subject and the situation. If I am reading a book, especially a mystery or adventure book, I tend to like foreshadowing because I like to try to figure out what will happen. In my real life, it's about a 50/50 split on whether I like foreshadowing. I tend to be a planner, so it is nice to have a glimpse so I can plan. However, I do go through periods of wanting to be spontaneous. I also like good surprises.

Given the above, I guess, overall, I am glad that I get twingy cramps a few days before my period. It makes the suspense and torturous waiting of the 2ww over a little earlier. Unfortunately, it also cuts off, just that much sooner, the little bit of hope that I have managed to muster...

So, I am 9do and I felt the twinge this morning, right at the end of mass. I know I shouldn't give up until the B*tch shows, but it's too hard to hold onto hope when I'm 99% sure that I failed again. I know my body pretty well, and this is what it always feels like a few days before AF. Granted, I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what that feels like. I also know that many people report being sure they weren't pg, when they in fact were. So, I'm leaving a 1% chance I could fall into that category this month.

I'm feeling very frustrated right now. I want to know what we did wrong. I definitely ovulated. Hubby's numbers are looking decent (if not good). We timed everything right. My endo seems under control. I've even lost some weight. Granted, I could stand to loose about 40lbs more, but the scale is definitely going down. That should count for something, right? I know I haven't been at this as long as some (only a year and a half) and that I'm not as old as some (I'll be 31 in October). However, I definitely feel the biological clock screaming at me. I really feel like we are meant to have at least 3 kids. If we are going to get them in before I turn 35 (you know, the magic number...) we've got to get crackin! I know that's a lot of pressure to put on myself. At this point, I'm feeling like we might not even get 1 kiddo before I'm 35... At least not biologically. We don't have money for adoption right now. Besides, I really want to experience motherhood from the beginning. I want to have a baby (not start with a toddler). I know we could love an adopted child just as much, but I think I would always feel like we were cheated out of some of the parenting experience.

IF SUCKS! I hate this.

7 comments:

Mrs. B said...

Good luck honey, I feel your pain. It is so hard not lose hope when you feel like AF is coming but I will hope for you that it is indeed not AF and maybe early PG signs.

SaraS-P said...

A twinge could be implantation...

Fertilize Me said...

I hope that the twinge is followed by a BFP and grats on the weigh loss

Kim said...

I hope we're both in that 1%. Wouldn't that be so nice?

chicklet said...

I get the same twinges, and I always know what it is, and that just freakin irks me. Cuz it'd be nice to hope just a little longer.

I saw your other post re AF, sorry it sucks so much.

Resplendentquetzal said...

I know I'm a little late posting to this thread, but here goes...
My husband and I were down the road you were too, about 1-2 years ago, and didn't know where to turn. We feared adoption for the same reasons, (money, love, experience...), but in the end knew that this may be the only option for us. When we sat down and figured it out, it was the same price as repeated IUI's and IVF's, and had a much better guarentee.
When we picked up our son in Guatemala on Dec. 17th, the fear, the worry about not parenting from the beginning, and the feelig of being cheated because of no pregnancy and birth flew from our minds, because we knew we were a family.
I don't normally post on blogs, but sometimes well, it just feels right.
If you ever have questions about adoption, you can contact me to ask.
Good luck with your journey and I hope it unltimately leads to where you want to be, a family.

Resplendentquetzal said...

btw... our e-mail is the same as our username, at gmail.
(posted comment above!)