Sometimes I like to know what is going to happen, and sometimes I prefer to stay in suspense, depending on the subject and the situation. If I am reading a book, especially a mystery or adventure book, I tend to like foreshadowing because I like to try to figure out what will happen. In my real life, it's about a 50/50 split on whether I like foreshadowing. I tend to be a planner, so it is nice to have a glimpse so I can plan. However, I do go through periods of wanting to be spontaneous. I also like good surprises.
Given the above, I guess, overall, I am glad that I get twingy cramps a few days before my period. It makes the suspense and torturous waiting of the 2ww over a little earlier. Unfortunately, it also cuts off, just that much sooner, the little bit of hope that I have managed to muster...
So, I am 9do and I felt the twinge this morning, right at the end of mass. I know I shouldn't give up until the B*tch shows, but it's too hard to hold onto hope when I'm 99% sure that I failed again. I know my body pretty well, and this is what it always feels like a few days before AF. Granted, I have never been pregnant, so I don't know what that feels like. I also know that many people report being sure they weren't pg, when they in fact were. So, I'm leaving a 1% chance I could fall into that category this month.
I'm feeling very frustrated right now. I want to know what we did wrong. I definitely ovulated. Hubby's numbers are looking decent (if not good). We timed everything right. My endo seems under control. I've even lost some weight. Granted, I could stand to loose about 40lbs more, but the scale is definitely going down. That should count for something, right? I know I haven't been at this as long as some (only a year and a half) and that I'm not as old as some (I'll be 31 in October). However, I definitely feel the biological clock screaming at me. I really feel like we are meant to have at least 3 kids. If we are going to get them in before I turn 35 (you know, the magic number...) we've got to get crackin! I know that's a lot of pressure to put on myself. At this point, I'm feeling like we might not even get 1 kiddo before I'm 35... At least not biologically. We don't have money for adoption right now. Besides, I really want to experience motherhood from the beginning. I want to have a baby (not start with a toddler). I know we could love an adopted child just as much, but I think I would always feel like we were cheated out of some of the parenting experience.
IF SUCKS! I hate this.