Saturday, April 5, 2008

Trusting My Body

** P-word mentioned** This post is about coming to terms with my identity and IF and pg and dealing with my losses.

I think I realized one of the reasons I have had a hard time accepting this pg... Why is still feel anxious at the thought of telling my co-workers and people from church. I don't trust that my body is capable of nurturing a pg. After everything we went through with IF, I learned to distrust my body and it's "motherly" qualities. Now, even though everything is pointing to the fact that my body seems to be successfully carrying this pg, my identity is still "that IF girl." I'm not really sure what to do about that. I do think that, if I am able to let go of my other 2 losses (not forget! just not hold them so closely to my heart), that might help me.

Currently, I think I am holding on to those losses, but ignoring (burying?) my feelings of loss. A couple weeks ago my parents suggested I talk to the baby. I finally did the other day. I told the baby to just concentrate on holding on and growing and that the only reason to stop growing was if God asked him/her to go to heaven. If that were the case, at least he/she would have a brother and sister there to hang out with (we named our babies Lucy and Christopher because a priest told us we should name them and then give them over to God... we did the first part, but have yet to do the second...). At this point I started crying. It would have been sobbing, but I was driving and I didn't want to crash. Obviously I need to work on the letting go part...

Besides letting go of my losses, I'm not sure what I can do to trust my body more. I kind of feel like this pg is a fluke. And, frankly, I'm not sure I should start to trust my body. I don't want to get side-swiped again. I don't know if my realization will change anything about my experience other than to help me understand a little better. However, understanding is good.


Fertilized said...

I hear ya. I was there. I felt like why should I expect my body to do things right This time. But answer to that was - because we tried again with hope that at some point the results would be different. My body is doing what it is supposed to do for now. And for that, I am grateful. I decided that If i embraced this pg or not- It would not prepare me for the better or for worse end result.

It's rough, IF then transitioning to pregnancy. People assume that all those negative feelings are instantly erased. I found some to be more amplified. Sending you good thoughts and prayers

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I think the best thing you can do is just take it one day at a time and enjoy every minute along the way. HUGS.

Kathy V said...

I think the general consensus that I have seen in this blogosphere is that once you have suffered loss or been through any kind of treatments that you stiff view yourself as the if girl. Even when you are closer to the end, you still feel as though you are the if girl and only when the baby arrives does it feel real. You will eventually prepare and get ready and even think about it as a possibility as you get closer but it won't really seem real until the baby arrives. I am happy for you that you have made it thus far.

Nessa said...

I know how hard it is to accept that your body is going to do what it is supposed to do. After so much loss and heartache, it's hard to let it go.

I'll be praying for you.

Trish said...

Wow. This one hit home.
I've been sort of composing a post in my head very similar to this one.
I was actually praying the other day because I have been struggling so much with my faith. I worried (worry) that being so scared means I'm not truly giving it to God. Finally (while praying) it hit me that it isn't God I don't trust, but my own body> It's let me down so many times before that I don't know how to trust it again. Even now, at almost 19w pregnant, I keep waiting for it to let me down. I'm not sure I'll truly believe it until I'm holding a baby in my arms.. but even recognizing that I feel at odds with my own body has helped me.
I hope we both can find some peace..

Jen said...

Big hugs. I've never been in either situation (pg or mc) so I have no advice but you are in my thoughts and prayers!