Friday, October 19, 2007

I Want to be Happy for Others!

One of the results of my struggle with infertility and m/c is that I have now been robbed of the ability to just be happy for others (without any personal misery/baggage wrapped up in the feelings). This Monday a co-worker's wife had a baby. The baby was 6 weeks early (he's fine though) so we didn't expect the announcement quite this soon. This co-worker got married in January and they were pregnant in February. When I heard in March they were pregnant I had a very difficult time. I told him I was happy for them... The truth is I just felt bitter and sad for me. I was struggling with the "It's not fair" syndrome. On Monday when I heard they had the baby I still felt a little bitter, but mostly I felt very sad. The announcement felt like a stab to my heart. I think it was intensified because I "should" be pregnant right now. Instead of being able to be happy for them and rejoice in the gift of new life I am left to mourn the loss of the life I briefly carried and cry over the emptiness I feel. I resent that have lost the ability to feel pure joy for someone else.


Fertilize Me said...

here here!

Katie said...

I could have written this post, I feel every BIT of this. I got a baby announcement today and was actually ANGRY at the mom for sending one to me. Doesn't she know how much this hurts? Then, I realized that the world isn't about ME (gosh darn it!) and that she is just spreading her happy news. And since I will be taking out sky writers when we finally have such good news, I can't hardly blame her. But I still cried. And refused to put the announcement on my fridge. Oh, where did my humanity go?

Anonymous said...

God do I agree with this post!!! I have gotten to a point where I HATE pregnant people. When I see them I purposely walk around them, I refuse to look at their bellies, etc. I never used to be like this. I used to smile and feel such joy at people pregnancies but that along with many, many other things is something that IF has robbed us all of.