Friday, October 19, 2007
I Want to be Happy for Others!
One of the results of my struggle with infertility and m/c is that I have now been robbed of the ability to just be happy for others (without any personal misery/baggage wrapped up in the feelings). This Monday a co-worker's wife had a baby. The baby was 6 weeks early (he's fine though) so we didn't expect the announcement quite this soon. This co-worker got married in January and they were pregnant in February. When I heard in March they were pregnant I had a very difficult time. I told him I was happy for them... The truth is I just felt bitter and sad for me. I was struggling with the "It's not fair" syndrome. On Monday when I heard they had the baby I still felt a little bitter, but mostly I felt very sad. The announcement felt like a stab to my heart. I think it was intensified because I "should" be pregnant right now. Instead of being able to be happy for them and rejoice in the gift of new life I am left to mourn the loss of the life I briefly carried and cry over the emptiness I feel. I resent that have lost the ability to feel pure joy for someone else.