Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Ups and Downs

I am usually pretty steady in my emotions, but lately I have been pretty moody. I have been crying randomly and anxious much of the time and the smallest thing can throw me for a tailspin. It is really starting to wear on me. For example, yesterday I woke up in a decent mood. Right as we were leaving I went to grab the new insurance paperwork to put in my car and hubby told me that we had to make a copy of it. I said that I could just tear it in half because there were 2 copies on the page. He questioned me at first (because he hadn't looked at the paper closely). I took his questioning as a personal insult that I was not intelligent enough to read the paper... Uummm, can you say major over-reaction!?! I knew that it was an overaction, even in the moment, but I was still steaming mad. It took me a while to calm down so that I wasn't angry about it. Unfortunately, even when I let go of the anger, I still felt very anxious. Then hubby was worried about me so he started to hover, which only annoyed me more. Finally I told him to just go to school and I would deal on my own. I had to go away and pray for 20 minutes to calm myself down. When I sat down to pray I burst into tears. I wasn't crying for a particular reason. I was just overcome with a general sense of anxiety. I got myself under control, but I never really found peace all day.

Today was nice though. I woke up with more energy than normal. I did some yoga, went for a walk with hubby, pulled some weeds, took a shower, drove my NEW car to work (a silver Honda Fit, in case you're interested), and accomplished a couple things on my to do list at work. I was really tired when I got home, but overall it was a good day. I only felt a little bit of anxiety this afternoon, but that was because I was feeling a little overwhelmed by my job. Since that happens on a regular basis, I don't really count it.

I hope I have more days like today. I am really tired of being so emotional! It really drains me. I know I need to pray more and exercise more. I am working on the exercise. I still have mixed feelings about praying. Sometimes I pray (or at least spend some time in silence with God) because I am so desparate I don't know what else to do. Sometimes I still feel like I don't really want to pray. Basically, I'm moody about my prayer time too. Man! I feel like I'm in junior high school again. It's like I have a perpetual case of PMS or something.

In other news, I started having fertile mucus yesterday and there was some brown spotting with it. I really hope it's not a sign of something bad. It could be that my endo is getting worse, or it could be that my progesterone is low again. My doc just increased my progesterone dosage for this cycle, so after I O I start the new dosage. After this cycle we can start TTC again, so I really don't want to have any major problems return!

OK, I'm so tired now I feel dead on my feet. I'm sending myself to my room... I hope everyone (as in all my wonderful loyal readers) is doing well!

OH, one more thing I forgot to tell you: My labs came back within normal range. However, since I have a history of having a clotting issue, my doc wants me to take baby asprin as soon as I get pregnant again. I asked the nurse to send me a copy of my lab results so I can look them up. I thought it was odd that he would want me to take baby asprin if I was really ok. The clotting issue I had was when I was 2 and my bone marrow stopped producing platelets for about 6 months. So, I didn't have too much clotting... I didn't have any clotting. Does anyone know anything about this?

K, bed for real now.


Katie said...

BROWN SPOTTING IS GREAT! It is considered a sign of fertility. Sometimes, when the follicle releases the egg, there is a little bit of bleeding. It is good news!

Fertilize Me said...

I"m with Katie... I'm thinking happy positive thoughts