I'm sorry for the silence lately. Sometimes I feel full of words that I have to get out (hence, I started the blog). Sometimes I feel very quiet and just go into "take-it-in" mode. I've been feeling quiet lately... However, I feel like I need some feed-back about something.
I just wrote a "Dear Jane" type of email. Have you ever been in a friendship where you each have different needs/expectations for the relationship? In this instance I had a friend who I was pretty close to during 3 years of grad school. During that time we talked daily, prayed together, and supported each other during hard times. She struggled with infertility for a year before conceiving her oldest daughter (who is now 3 & 1/2). Then, her pregnancy was very high risk and she was on bedrest for 6 months. I visited her almost daily and helped her stay connected with the rest of our classmates.
After graduation we talked on the phone periodically and we have seen each other 2 times, both of which were nice and seemed to go well. The trouble came once I started experiencing my own infertility. I thought she would be a great friend to me. Afterall, she knew how it felt to want a baby so badly and have your body fail you... The last time we saw each other was just after my surgery and the misdiagnosis of male infertility last spring. During the visit she was very supportive and a good listener (even as she held her 3 month old baby...). At that point I was entering into the darkest part of my journey.
The next 9 months were a rollercoaster ride through hell for me. I didn't have extra energy to reach out to her. I could barely take care of myself and my husband. I needed her to reach out to me. She didn't. I got a message in August from her and didn't call her back because she said she would try me again the next day. She didn't call. She did leave another message about a month later apologizing for not contacting me while she was in town for a wedding (she lives several states away) and, again, said she would call me back. She didn't. I did call her back a couple days later and left her a VM. She didn't call me back. When I had my first 1st m/c in September she called again and left me another VM and, again, promised to call me. At that point I was NOT up to calling her. And, I was already feeling very hurt and let down by her, not to mention that I was grief-stricken at loosing my first baby. She never called me back and I haven't heard from her since, until today.
Yesterday I sent an email to all of my grad school classmates (it was a small class and we were pretty close) and told them that I was pg and almost 22 weeks. She replied to my email. She congratulated me, said she had been thinking about me and praying for me, and gave me a small update on her family. She also said she was going to try and call me...
I wrote her back and thanked her the prayers and congratulations but told her that I didn't think it was a good idea for her to call me. I explained how hurt I have been that, obviously, our friendship wasn't as important to her as it was to me. I told her how hurt I was that she hadn't reached out to me more, even though she should know how painful things have been for me, and especially since I was there for her during her difficult time.
I'm not sure how I feel about the whole situation right now. I have been carrying around that hurt for a long time. I'm sad to loose the friendship I thought we had during grad school. However, it's only a friendship if it's a 2-way street. I don't know. What would you have done in this situation? Would you have tried to talk it out with her? Would you have just not responded? Or, do you think I did the right thing by sending the honest email? I'm starting to second guess myself... Thanks for your feedback!
I'll have an update and some pictures in my next post. =)
Three days later: I still haven't heard from my friend. Her silence is deafening.