Monday, December 31, 2007
More Symptoms
Is tingling in your uterine area a pg symptom? I am having a very odd sensation right now. It doesn't hurt. It's like a burning that tingles. I've had some mini cramps today too, but they were a little different than my usual pms cramps. I'm trying not to put too much stock into this... However, I usually get some CM the day or 2 before AF and the TP has been dry and white. My bbies aren't sore at all though... they're not even tender. I guess tomorrow will be very telling. The tingling is weird though.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
"Symptoms"
I hate the 2ww! I feel so anxious and every little thing seems to be a symptom... I just took a shower and I swear my areolas looked darker. My temp has been up for 3 days, since 8dpo and even though my temp is usually low my chart looks like it *could* be triphasic. I have also felt some slight shooting cramps a few times over the last few days and I have been exhausted all day. I took 2 naps today. And, the thing that's really screwing with my head, some things smell and taste weird.
It's 10dpo and I just p'd.o.a.s. It was negative. I hate this.
It's 10dpo and I just p'd.o.a.s. It was negative. I hate this.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Suppressing My Feelings
**Long Post Warning!
I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.
The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!
This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.
Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.
I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.
Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...
OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.
I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.
The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!
This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.
Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.
I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.
Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...
OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.
Monday, December 24, 2007
7 Random Things *UPDATED*
I have been tagged to tell you 7 random things about me. This is my first time being tagged so it was actually kind of exciting for me... It was a nice little reminder that there are people out there who actually read my blog (of course I do have several faithful readers too... hi guys! :) and that someone wants to learn more about me. Thanks for the tag! I hope I am not too boring... =)
As requested, here are 7 random things about me:
1. I play the violin. I started in 5th grade and played every day until I was 21. I was even a music major in college. Unfortunately, I stopped enjoying playing along the way... probably when the pressure to perform became too much and music took over every aspect of my life. I just didn't enjoy being trapped in a practice room for hours a day with only my violin for company. Also, I didn't like the person I became when I was around snobby and backstabbing musicians. Not all musicians are like that, but there are enough of them to make the atmosphere stressful. Anyway, after college I basically quit playing. I would sometimes play for church, but over the last 2 years I didn't play at all. I started playing again a couple months ago and I actually enjoy it again. I joined one of the music groups at church so I would have a reason to play every week. It's been nice.
2. I moved my place of residence at least once a year from the time I was 17 until I was 28, with the exception of a 2 year stint in grad school. The year I was 21 I actually moved 4 times. That year I spent the summer with my parents, a semester abroad (during which I actually officially lived in 2 different places, but I only count it as one move) with travelling to follow, a final semester back at my college, and then back to my parents for the next year until I decided to move to another state and become truly independent. Hubby and I bought a house this summer so I am finally living somewhere with no immediate plans to leave in the foreseeable future. =) It's been nice to put down some roots.
3. I am clumsy, but I am (or was when I was younger) a very graceful dancer. It's quite a head scratcher to me. I am so clumsy that I fall on my face, literally, very often. Growing up I actually developed a lisp because I was missing at least 1 front tooth between the ages of 2 and 10 because I would knock them out when I fell on my face. I went to speech therapy to learn how to say "s" and "th." Falling on my face and knocking out a tooth became popular again while I was traveling in Ireland at age 21 and I had to have an emergency root canal while I was abroad.
4. I have had more work done on my teeth than most people my age but I have never had a cavity. This is, in part, because of the aforementioned falling on my face. I had braces for 3 years, accompanied with head gear (not neck gear like the rest of the kids in my class...). I have had 3 root canals and one tooth implant (complete with oral surgery to put in the metal post).
5. I like to travel. Domestically I have been to 33 of the 50 states. I hope to visit all 50 in my life time. I have lived in 9 different states. I also like to take road trips, especially when I am trying to de-stress. I have driven to most of the states I have visited. Only 9 of the states I have visited were a "drive through" experience. In the other 15 states I visited I actually spent the night and spent some time experiencing the state. Internationally I have not traveled as extensively. I have been to 10 countries other than the United States. I definitely plan to travel more. My husband has the travel bug too, so I'm sure we will be on more adventures.
6. I love camping! I have spent 14 summers of my life at summer camp. And, when I was taking a break from summer camp I would go camping. I think that people who stay in a trailer are not camping. If you are staying in a rustic wood cabin without plumbing or climate control, and you cook your food over a fire, you can count it as camping, but sleeping in a tent or under the stars is better. The best way to camp is to hike in with minimal gear. Being in the mountains brings you closer to God. There is something very relaxing and peaceful about communing with nature.
7. I grew up 30 minutes from a ski resort and I don't know how to ski. I have only tried to ski one time in my life and I sucked. It also hurt a lot when I fell, which happened a lot. I sprained my shoulder during one of my falls... 2 days before I had a violin scholarship audition. I am now scared to ski. This is an unusual experience for me because I am usually pretty fearless and willing to try almost anything. I don't see myself downhill skiing any time soon...
OK, now I am supposed to tag some people. This is kind of hard because most of the blogs I read did this meme a couple months ago... I think I will post this now and then update if I find some blogs on my list that haven't done this meme.
**UPDATED** I found some people who I don't think have done this meme.
Tag, You're It!:
Beautiful Curve, Leigh, Disenchanted, Hope, Infertility Sucks!
As requested, here are 7 random things about me:
1. I play the violin. I started in 5th grade and played every day until I was 21. I was even a music major in college. Unfortunately, I stopped enjoying playing along the way... probably when the pressure to perform became too much and music took over every aspect of my life. I just didn't enjoy being trapped in a practice room for hours a day with only my violin for company. Also, I didn't like the person I became when I was around snobby and backstabbing musicians. Not all musicians are like that, but there are enough of them to make the atmosphere stressful. Anyway, after college I basically quit playing. I would sometimes play for church, but over the last 2 years I didn't play at all. I started playing again a couple months ago and I actually enjoy it again. I joined one of the music groups at church so I would have a reason to play every week. It's been nice.
2. I moved my place of residence at least once a year from the time I was 17 until I was 28, with the exception of a 2 year stint in grad school. The year I was 21 I actually moved 4 times. That year I spent the summer with my parents, a semester abroad (during which I actually officially lived in 2 different places, but I only count it as one move) with travelling to follow, a final semester back at my college, and then back to my parents for the next year until I decided to move to another state and become truly independent. Hubby and I bought a house this summer so I am finally living somewhere with no immediate plans to leave in the foreseeable future. =) It's been nice to put down some roots.
3. I am clumsy, but I am (or was when I was younger) a very graceful dancer. It's quite a head scratcher to me. I am so clumsy that I fall on my face, literally, very often. Growing up I actually developed a lisp because I was missing at least 1 front tooth between the ages of 2 and 10 because I would knock them out when I fell on my face. I went to speech therapy to learn how to say "s" and "th." Falling on my face and knocking out a tooth became popular again while I was traveling in Ireland at age 21 and I had to have an emergency root canal while I was abroad.
4. I have had more work done on my teeth than most people my age but I have never had a cavity. This is, in part, because of the aforementioned falling on my face. I had braces for 3 years, accompanied with head gear (not neck gear like the rest of the kids in my class...). I have had 3 root canals and one tooth implant (complete with oral surgery to put in the metal post).
5. I like to travel. Domestically I have been to 33 of the 50 states. I hope to visit all 50 in my life time. I have lived in 9 different states. I also like to take road trips, especially when I am trying to de-stress. I have driven to most of the states I have visited. Only 9 of the states I have visited were a "drive through" experience. In the other 15 states I visited I actually spent the night and spent some time experiencing the state. Internationally I have not traveled as extensively. I have been to 10 countries other than the United States. I definitely plan to travel more. My husband has the travel bug too, so I'm sure we will be on more adventures.
6. I love camping! I have spent 14 summers of my life at summer camp. And, when I was taking a break from summer camp I would go camping. I think that people who stay in a trailer are not camping. If you are staying in a rustic wood cabin without plumbing or climate control, and you cook your food over a fire, you can count it as camping, but sleeping in a tent or under the stars is better. The best way to camp is to hike in with minimal gear. Being in the mountains brings you closer to God. There is something very relaxing and peaceful about communing with nature.
7. I grew up 30 minutes from a ski resort and I don't know how to ski. I have only tried to ski one time in my life and I sucked. It also hurt a lot when I fell, which happened a lot. I sprained my shoulder during one of my falls... 2 days before I had a violin scholarship audition. I am now scared to ski. This is an unusual experience for me because I am usually pretty fearless and willing to try almost anything. I don't see myself downhill skiing any time soon...
OK, now I am supposed to tag some people. This is kind of hard because most of the blogs I read did this meme a couple months ago... I think I will post this now and then update if I find some blogs on my list that haven't done this meme.
**UPDATED** I found some people who I don't think have done this meme.
Tag, You're It!:
Beautiful Curve, Leigh, Disenchanted, Hope, Infertility Sucks!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Sometimes you really want a drink
Yesterday was kind of a stressful day. On stressful days sometimes you really just want (need?) a glass of wine. Unfortunately, I am taking Metformin. Metformin and alcohol are a big no no to mix. So, I was a good girl and didn't give in. However, I did fantasize about going off Metformin for a while if I don't end up pg this cycle. Of course, I have had this fantasy before... I never end up doing it though because my desire for a baby is much grater than my desire for the periodic drink.
What do you do when you have a stressful day and you can't have a glass of wine?
What do you do when you have a stressful day and you can't have a glass of wine?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
