Friday, December 28, 2007

Suppressing My Feelings

**Long Post Warning!

I have this problem... I suppress my feelings. Most of the time I'm not really sure how I feel. As a little kid I did not have this problem. No, this problem developed after years of systematically tearing myself down in an attempt to "be" who/what I thought others wanted me to be. I used to purposely ignore how I felt because I thought what I felt/wanted was not important, was inconsequential. For years I thought that what I wanted was wrong and that I couldn't trust it. Of course it didn't help that there were people (so-called friends) in my life reinforcing this to me in their words and actions.

The result of all these years of suppressing my feelings is that I often just walk around kind of numb, never really sure how I feel. I try to pay attention to my reactions so I can get a clue as to how I am really feeling. Sometimes this helps and sometimes it doesn't. I still have a strong urge to react in the "appropriate" and "acceptable" way, rather than reacting in an authentic way. I am working on this. I was in counseling for about 2 months while I was in grad school. My counselor convinced me that what I wanted and what I felt were not only valid, but they were important. This was a huge breakthrough for me!

This brings me to the events of Christmas eve. The couple of days leading up to Christmas Eve I was feeling good, happy and peaceful even (I thought). I even commented to my husband that this scared me a little because I had prayed to God to take away my sadness and anxiety if I was not meant to have a baby. I was worried that my feeling so good was a sign that maybe I wasn't meant to have children after all... Except that I still felt peaceful. On Christmas Eve I was responsible for being the staff person at the 2 children's/family masses where the children performed the nativity play. Our Church has the tradition of having a "real" family with a small baby play Joseph, Mary, and Jesus while the children play the angel, "the star," shepherds, and magi. After the play we have a front side pew (our church is in the shape of a cross) reserved for Mary and Joseph's family. This is also the pew that I sit in. The first mass went fine. I was happy and even played with the baby a little. I really did seem to feel happy and peaceful. During mass I wondered again about if God was taking away my desire to have children. Then, in the middle of the nativity play for the second mass I got my answer.

Do you remember this co-worker? His family played the Holy Family. I was smiling and watching until I saw his wife smiling down at their baby with obvious love. I started to tear up unexpectedly. I fought back the tears and got myself under control. I teared up again when they came to sit right next to me, but I only let a tear or 2 slip and I thought I was fine. Then, I looked up (after I thought I was finally under control) and saw an acquaintance friend looking at me with that "I'm so sorry" look and I just lost it. It was so embarrassing! I tried so hard to keep it under control, but I had a really hard time. I covered my face so I wouldn't have to look at anyone and I tried to just breath. Unfortunately, some of my breathing in turned into that body shaking pseudo sobbing breathing. So embarrassing! I didn't want to just get up and leave because that would have made my outburst obvious to the 5 people who hadn't already noticed. I finally got myself to stop crying and I waited until people were going up for Eucharist to leave and get some fresh air.

I have felt kind of depressed since that moment. Christmas day sucked because hubby had to work. We were hoping they would let him off early (on Christmas Eve they let him go after 4 hours), but they didn't let him go until he had worked 6.5 hours. =( I spent most of Christmas day alone. Hubby and I both had Wed and Thurs off so we got to be together then. That was nice, but didn't really get me out of my funk. I guess the answer is that I still want children... Or, were those few days a momentary glimpse into the future? I don't know. I can't figure it out.

Right now I am 9dpo. I don't really feel any symptoms yet. I did have some cramping that *might* have been implantation, but I am not putting much stock in that because I have felt quite a bit of "uterine" cramping this cycle throughout my cycle. I starting charting my temp this cycle in an attempt to add a symptom. I don't normally temp because my temp doesn't rise when it is supposed to, even when I am taking a progesterone supplement after ovulation. I got a positive opk on day 16, but I my temp only rose about .1-.2 degrees. Finally at 8dpo I got the .4 degree rise. My body is weird. I think it defies the laws of biology...

OK, I need to go to work. I hope everyone has a great day.

5 comments:

Alison said...

Your post struck a cord with me and now I sit here and my eyes are burning with the threat of tears. I too have prayed for God to change my heart if children are not the path for me or for God to clearly show me that hope for children will not be in vain. My heart has not changed so therefore I keep hoping. I read Isaiah 55 everyday. That whole entire text gives me that little bit of something to get through. I'm so sorry Christmas was hard. I'll be praying for you!

Fertilize Me said...

I am sorry to hear of your experience at church. i am saying good thoughts for you and 2008!! may this be your yr!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm so sorry you went through that. I know how hard it can be to just break down in public (it's happened to me quite a few times).

The best advice I've every gotten about infertility is to really allow yourself to feel your emotions. If you're feeling bitter, trying to mask it won't make it go away any faster. If you just let yourself really feel what you are feeling the bad starts to go away a lot faster rather then it just festering inside.

I'm hoping and praying that your twinges are something really good. HUGS!

Kathy V said...

Thanks for posting a comment on my blog. It is nice when new people stumble across my blog and leave comments. I am soo sorry that you had to go through that at church. I know what that is like though. Mother's Day happened about three short weeks after my miscarriage. I wanted to go to church because that is where I felt I should be but i should have just stayed home that week. I broke down completely. OF course I didn't care how much of a blubbering mess I was. I wanted people that never thought about it to know that even though most weeks we can wear a fake smile, that we can be devastated on the inside. It didn't help when I felt ignored by family later in the day. Going back to work Monday wasn't easy either because my coworkes decided to discuss how their special day had been (or not been) right in front of my desk. One coworker discussed how terrible hers had been because her son tripped and scraped his knee and got blood on his new outfit..... FInally I told them to stop talking about that in front of my desk before breaking down again. I have learned from that though that it is okay to excuse myself or not go so that I can be sad for a few moments and take care of myself first. I know that doesn't always make it better right away but it helps to deal with the emotion when it comes up and not when it erupts like a volcano and you are a blubbering mess. Hope this helps. Best of luck in 2008.

Amanda said...

I'm sorry about your breakdown at church. I've done the same thing. Once at a baby shower on video tape. Good times. Again, so sorry...