Monday, March 10, 2008

Giant Leap in Faith **UPDATED**

** P word mentioned ** (skip top part if you want)

Well, I decided to put up a ticker today. I have been trying to muster up the courage for a while now. I have to admit, I still feel some anxiety about putting up the ticker, especially before the 2nd trimester. I am trying to trust with an act of my will... However, I am still holding on to some caution. Recently a couple of my friends have announced that they are pg (one is newly pg, and one is due at the end of Sept.). I considered jumping on the bandwagon and telling everyone my news too. I even started writing up the announcement. But, then I got freaked out and deleted it before posting it. I just don't think I'm ready. I did tell 1 friend on Sunday, which didn't freak me out too much. But, she was the friend that came to take care of me during my first m/c, so she feels like a "safe" friend.

In other news, I am finally getting some pg symptoms. Well, my bbies are sore again (after 3 weeks of NO symptoms except for fatigue). I'm kind of grateful for the change. It's reassuring that things are happening in there. I also think I'm getting some RLP periodically. It doesn't last too long when it hits so it is manageable. I am also back to the weight I was right before I got sick. I gained the weight when I decided to have an ice cream milkshake the other day... I guess I shouldn't eat too many of those...

Pregnancy talk over.

I'm sorry if this post seems kind of down. I'm feeling kind of blah and I'm not sure if it came across or not. I had another frustrating experience with the same co-worker I've been struggling with lately. It wasn't anything as big as my last post about her, but she did drop the ball and then try to pass the buck and feign ignorance. I hate that. It really frustrates me!

Ok, rant over. It just basically comes down to I have a hard time with this woman in general. I really need to work on this. At this point I am so biased against her that I just don't like her. And, if I'm honest with myself, I'm not really sure I want to like her. Please pray for me in this situation. It just makes my work situation uncomfortable. I want to want to like her, but I'm not there yet. I don't think she's vicious or intentionally mean or incompetent. I just think she doesn't have good communication skills and doesn't always take responsibility for her screw ups. She comes across as thoughtless, but I don't think it is intentional (at least I hope not). I don't think she's a bad person. I should be able to like her... or at least not dislike her. I can love her in a general Christian love for humanity way, right? I just need a little help getting there...


Kathy, Thanks for the good advice. I think God is trying to tell me something because when I woke up this morning I had a similar thought and had decided to do basically what you suggested. I am a little slow on the uptake though... Yesterday I heard a talk about the power of reconciliatory prayer and the importance of praying for people who you have a hard time with. Unfortunately, I didn't think of this coworker right away. I'm actually embarassed that it took me until this morning to decide to pray for reconciliation with her... But I eventually "got it" and have already started praying. I am supposed to pray until I receive a physical sign that I can stop. So, I don't know how long I will be saying this prayer. I am really looking forward to the day when the tension is gone and I can honestly appreciate her for the person God created her to be (see, I 'm already starting the postitive thinking...).

If anyone is interested in knowing the reconciliation prayer, I will be happy to email it to you. I have heard some miraculous stories about God's work through this prayer. I'm really looking forward to experiencing God's power to do what it is impossible for me to do myself! Another side effect of praying this prayer is that I am feeling more grateful and hopeful in general. For the first time in a long time I find myself spontaneously saying "God is good!!!!!" =)


Kathy V said...

If you pray for your heart to be changed when dealing with her while asking God to bless her it may help. I did that with a few people I didn't get along with so well. It is hard to be frustrated with people when you pray for your heart to be changed and God to bless them at the same time. Hope it helps. Glad some of the symptoms are back.

LifeHopes said...

I have actually had the same kind of situation with a friend recently. I realized how much bitterness I had allowed to take root in my heart - and I was so ashamed. It actually took about 5 months to work through it and even still I have to consciously choose to think positively toward her.
I had to pray - A LOT - about it because she very clearly wronged me and never apologized for it. It was awful. Pretty hard to forgive people that never ask, ya know? But I guess that's what it's all about.

Kathy V said...

I am glad it is working for you. It was a difficult proposition when I started doing it for two people. It really did make the difference. Somedays I didn't know if I was getting anywhere but I never stopped and it did payoff in the end. I am glad you are starting to get the warm fuzzies back.

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I told myself weeks ago that I would send an email to my less-than-closest friends once we made it to 12 weeks. Now that that day is a week from today, I am thinking twice. And I am postponing telling work, too. Even though everything looks fine so far. I was even dreaming about making any big announcements until we get the prenatal testing results back - at like week 18! And I realized it will probably be obvious by then.

All this is to say that I understand your hesitation completely!!!!