**p word warning: this post is mostly about my feelings during this pg**
I have been having trouble understanding the reality of how my life will change when this baby gets here. I think I have basically accepted that I am pg and that it is going to stick. I don't spend very much time freaking out or worrying anymore. And, I'm not completely petrified to tell people anymore. I am still waiting for the 2nd trimester, but it's a more a "just in case" reason rather than being scared out of my mind I will m/c at any moment.
The problem is, though, that I can't fully imagine how our life will change. I am so used to it being just the 2 of us. I can picture us holding a baby. I have ideas about how we will approach raising the baby. I just can't imagine the day in, day out reality of how my life will be completely different. I won't ever have to give this baby back to anyone. Which also means I won't be getting any sleep when the baby is sick, and I am responsible for changing all the diapers and cleaning up all the messes. Ironically, I have such a hard time imagining the reality of my situation that I still feel like I relate most to the blogs of ladies who are still ttc. I know that's kind of weird, but that't how I feel. Maybe I haven't accepted this pg as much as I thought I had...
This Easter mass I sat between 2 of my BIL's 4 kids and I loved it. I got a taste of what it will be like to be a mom teaching my kids about the mass. It was wonderful. I even appreciated the distractions. Whenever one of the girls was distracted, I took the opportunity to refocus her to what was happening in the mass (or, if it was a down time I prepped her for what was coming up).
So, I can sort of imagine all this stuff, but it doesn't really feel like it's happening to me. I don't really feel pg... Sure, I'm tired a lot and I get weird reactions to food sometimes, but I haven't gained any weight and all I have are a few pictures that could come from anyone's belly. I'm not complaining. I am thankful for the easy 1st tri. I just wish this experience felt more real to me. It doesn't feel like it's really happening to me. It all still feels surreal. I am thinking about renting a doppler so I can keep track of my baby's hb (and get reassurance that the pg is on track still). The one major fear I do have is that this pg will go to pot late in the 3rd tri and it will be the most heartbreaking pg ever.
In other news, this is my 100th post. I am actually kind of happy that my 100th post could be about a pg that has made it to 11w5d. I am almost to the breath-a-sigh-of-relief stage. Also, March 24th was my blogaversary. I guess Easter week has been a big week for me.
BTW, when exactly does the 3rd tri start? I have tried to look it up and it seems like everyone gives a different answer. If blogger will let me, I think I will post a poll.
Well, thanks for listening to my rambling. Maybe in my next post I will share a little more about my trip last weekend and my experience at Easter mass (that had nothing to do with the kiddos who were sitting next to me).