Monday, March 31, 2008

General Anxiety

Has anyone ever had this feeling? I'm sure it's pretty common in a stressful life. I feel anxious. There really isn't a specific reason (at least not one that I am conscious of). It's just a more general feeling right now. My husband is feeling stressed and overloaded with everything he has to do for work, school, and our yard (I can only help minimally with the yard) so I'm sure his stress is rubbing off on me a little. However, I think it's more than that.

Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.

I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.

But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.

I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...

I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.


Fertilized said...

I think that being pregnant after IF brings forth more anxiety than a non struggling IF veteran would have. I know that in the beginning i had plenty of my own anxious moments. I also think it has to do with the time of year. Seasonal changes bring other changes and unknowns. As always stress causes anxiety and every always has their fair share of that.

I do belieive that you are responding normally to your situation. Do what ever you think will help you enjoy yourself more and create less stress/anxiety. If you want to tell people tell, f not, Don't ... You do what you need to to make it through this journey - not what is best for others, or what others are expecting

allyouwhohope said...

I struggle with anxiety too, and it can be really hard when it is just an overall feeling that's not directed at anything in particular. I think you should definitely try to find ways to give yourself more down time, and I personally think praying more will definitely help. Prayer helped me to get out of a particularly anxious time in my life. Even if it doesn't seem like it is helping at first, just keep asking God to lift your fear and worry. And remember, be not afraid!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I agree with Farah, pregnancy after IF can be so stressful and mentally agonizing, especially in the beginning. Know that you are not alone and we are all wishing the absolute best for you. HUGS!

Annalien said...

I think pregnancy hormones (and general worry about anything going wrong with the pregnancy) and also being tired most of the time, make it more difficult to deal with day to day worries. I was quite anxious and "blue" in both my full term pregnancies, but especially in the last one after my second pregnancy ended in a m/mc.

With regard to prayer, I have found that I grow increasingly anxious, whether pregnant or not, if I do not spend some quiet time with God (almost) daily. Try meditating on a bible passage and spending some time in prayer for a few days in a row and see whether that will lift your spirits.

May the Lord bless you. I will pray for you.

Kathy V said...

I hear you about being anxious. Some days I am fine. Then I had one of those dreams you were talking about and now for about four days I have been a little anxious and freaked out. I am glad to feel that you are less anxious after writing.

I know sometimes the prayers are challenging. sometimes I realize it has been a day or so since I said one too. I just roll up my sleeves and try to jump back into it with just as much ferver as I had in the beginning. Good luck with it.

andnotbysight said...

I'm struggling with anxiety right now, too. It's the pits. I'm so glad that things looked good at the cadiologist yesterday, and I'm praying for more good news for you on Thursday and no more anxiety!

Katie said...

Sometimes just getting the fear OUT helps me, so I hope that it worked that way for you, too.

I am an anxious puddle of mess pretty much all of the time. I think that being pregnant after loss is just that way. It's horrible to not be able to be as joyful as I'd like, but there are days now when I am more and more excited and less scared.

Hopefully, Friday's appointment will bring you that peace.