Has anyone ever had this feeling? I'm sure it's pretty common in a stressful life. I feel anxious. There really isn't a specific reason (at least not one that I am conscious of). It's just a more general feeling right now. My husband is feeling stressed and overloaded with everything he has to do for work, school, and our yard (I can only help minimally with the yard) so I'm sure his stress is rubbing off on me a little. However, I think it's more than that.
Last night I had my first m/c dream, but it was kind of weird. In my dream, I had already m/c'd this baby and had cycled again and was in the tww. In the dream I went to the bathroom and saw red when I wiped. I was disappointed because my period came, yet again. When I woke up I had to remind myself that I haven't actually seen any red and that I am still pg.
I think part of my anxiety has to do with worrying about my heart. I think another part is because next week is when I'm supposed to tell everyone at work that I'm pg. I was planning on spilling the beans at the staff meeting on Thursday. I have a 14w checkup on Friday. I am scared that I will tell everyone on Thursday only to go to the doc on Friday and find out that my baby passed and I had a missed m/c. I know this is kind of an irrational fear. The chances of me m/c'ing now are pretty slim. I also know (in my head) that there is no connection between telling people and the survival of my baby (Murphy's Law does NOT apply!). My close family and friends already know. The extended family and friends and co-workers do not know yet. I still like the safety bubble. I'm nervous about coming out of the closet.
But, I think there is more to the anxiety. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I'm just being moody... I am kind of stressed about work. We have entered into a busy time for me. Including this past weekend, I will work 6 Saturdays in a row. Normally Fridays and Saturdays are my days off. Thank God I will still be off on Fridays! Maybe I am feeling some stress because I haven't been getting enough down time...? That's very possible. It's probably everything coming to a head. I am very tired all the time. Most days I try to take a nap, even if it's 15 minutes before I leave for work.
I've also noticed that my prayer life stinks. I have been praying the Prayer for Reconciliation daily about the co-worker I was struggling with. That situation seems to have improved (at least my reactions to her are more peaceful and accepting). However, I haven't really been praying beyond this prayer on a daily basis. I still find myself resisting God some. I don't know if it is the devil working or if the hesitation is a genuine feeling from inside me. I have definitely gotten out of the habit of daily prayer. Part of me wonders if this is one of the reasons for my anxiety, but I'm not sure. When I got to work today I sat in my office and prayed for 10 minutes and it didn't help...
I'm not sure if I figured anything out with this rambling post, but I do feel a little bit less anxious than when I started the post. Thanks for listening.