God Speaks (sort of)

It's kind of funny how God can speak in your life sometimes. This morning I spoke to 2 women who (coincidentally) shared their stories of struggle with IF and m/c. Both of them had heart-breaking stories (10 years of IF with 2 m/c's; 1 m/c and 1 still born at 22 wks with severe physical disabilities). Both women now have 3 children (and one is trying for a 4th). Both women basically told me that they believe that if you have a true desire in your heart for children God will grant your desire. Otherwise, God will take your desire away so you can move on. The second woman was surprised that she told me the whole story and kept saying "I don't know why I'm telling you this." Toward the end of the conversation I told her (briefly) that I had m/c'd last Sunday and had been ttc for a year and a half. She was very understanding and encouraging.

I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).

So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.

To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...

Intercessory Prayer

Even though I'm Catholic I never really fully understood intercessory prayer. I believed that the saints were close to God and, therefore, could pray for me just like my friends on earth pray for me. However, I always kind of thought that if I had a prayer request I would just talk to God myself. I don't know if this stemmed from a desire to be able to speak for myself (I'm pretty independent) or just a disbelief that one person's prayer would be more powerful or listened to more closely than another person's prayer. Afterall, doesn't God love all people (whether they're on earth or in heaven) equally?

Then, after a year and a half of heartbreak I finally get pregnant, only to loose the baby at 5 weeks. And now, I don't really feel like talking to God. It's not that my faith is shaken. I still believe in God. I just don't trust God. How could God give me my deepest wish, only to take it away? And, if he didn't take it away, why couldn't he stop the m/c? Miracles happen to other people. I'm not saying I think I'm entitled to a miracle, I'm just saying I don't understand why this happened. It really doesn't seem fair, especially when God is supposed to be "just." No, I'm not ready to talk to God right now. The only way prayer is happening is if someone prays on my behalf. And, for the first time, I feel like maybe God will listen to someone else's prayers more, because he obviously isn't listening to mine. So saints in heaven, please pray for me. If there's a saint who has a special heart for infertile women, please pray twice for me. Pray for me because I cannot pray on behalf of myself.

CD 4

I'm not really sure what to say. It's cd 4. I'm still having pretty sharp cramping (ibu.profin helps some but not totally) and bleeding with heavy clotting. We saw the doc yesterday. He told us the results of the beta tests and my numbers were going down. In a way I think I'm glad I didn't know that because it would have made the get-together with my friends on Saturday torturous. I think I passed the baby on Monday. I saved the tissue in case my doc wanted to test it, but he didn't think it was necessary because the outcome wouldn't change our approach for the future. He wants us to wait until I have 2 normal cycles before we start trying again. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it feels like our grieving is just being prolonged.

I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.

I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.

I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.

Bleeding

I think I'm m/cing right now. I have a lot of sharp cramping that is about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. I started spotting this morning with brown mucus. I wasn't too worried about that... Unfortunately, now I am full-on bleeding red blood. And, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. =( Hubby and I just cried with each other for about an hour. It's so heartbreaking. We waited a year and a half to conceive and now we're loosing our first baby at only 4 1/2 weeks. This sucks!

And, just to make it more painful, last night I told my group of girl friends that I was pg because 2 of them fessed up that they were pg too. They are 7 and 8 wks, so they were farther along than I was. However, I couldn't keep quiet when everyone was so excited and we were already celebrating 2 babies. I hadn't planned on telling them. I just got so caught up in the beautiful moment. And now, it's gone. I'm going to try to see my doc tomorrow, but I know he can't do anything.

Cramping

Is it normal to have cramping in early pregnancy? I have had cramping basically continuously since about 11dpo. It's not the full-on cramps I usually get with AF, but the nagging mini cramps I usually get to warn me AF is coming. I'm trying not to obsess or worry too much. I haven't seen any blood when I wipe. I know I have endo, so maybe that's why I have cramps. It is a little annoying though, especially since life has been stressful lately.

In other news, hubby was told today that he did not get a job that he was a top candidate for. I am disappointed. He seems to be taking it better than I am. I really hope he is able to find a job soon, and one that he enjoys.

CONFIRMED!!!!!!

BFP!!! The doc says I'm pg, so it must be true! =D Thank you to everyone who was praying for us! I am still a little in shock, but hubby and I are both happy! Hubby just told me that he doesn't feel worried about money right now, he's just focussing on the gift we have been given. I'm glad he's not stressing out. Hopefully he will be able to find a job now and we can pay for this kid. I already have an apt for a follow up blood test on Friday and an ultra sound in 2 weeks...

YAY!!! I'M PREGNANT!!!! (I just wanted to say that.) This is my very first time being pregnant, so I'm trying to soak it in and enjoy it.

OK, I have to go to work (hubby is driving, just in case I start to feel dizzy). If you know me in real life and are reading this, please don't tell anyone else who knows me in real life. We are going to wait until the end of my first trimester (assuming I don't m/c) to tell people because I am kind of a high m/c risk... Thanks!

Faint Hope

So, the stick this morning had a faint 2nd line... Hopefully the doctor will do a beta for confirmation. I am cautiously hopeful. I took the test at about 6am (didn't have to wake until seven, but woke up with a full bladder and couldn't go back to sleep...) so I was, again, bleary-eyed. After the 3 min wait, I thought it was neg... until I took it into the light and put on my glasses. Then, of course hubby figured out what I was doing because I took so long so I told him about the faint line. So, we were both up at that point. I encouraged him to try to sleep and left. I prayed for about 20 min (well, tried to pray... I was crying for an unknown reason, or a million reasons at once, and couldn't settle down to do anything other than sit there). I kept hearing hubby cough so I went back into the bedroom and we cuddled. He's happy but scared. Financially we're not quite stable at the moment. He needs to find a job but he's having a hard time. He is trying to switch career tracks, so now he's kind of "inbetween" fields; not really in the old field, but not quite in the new one.

Anyway, I have a doc apt in an hour. Originally I planned to use the apt to discuss endo treatment options. Hopefully now the conversation will revolve around how to keep a confirmed pregnancy from m/c. If I have time I'll post an update before I go to work.

Not Sure

I'm not sure what's going on with me. I took a pg test this morning and it was negative after 5 minutes. :( However, I took the test at about 5am (when I woke up and couldn't sleep...) and I was pretty blurry-eyed. When I looked at the test at 8am I could see a faint line. Was it an evap line or a faint bfp? It is 10pm on 15dpo and I still haven't gotten my period. And, I didn't have as many cramps today (although I didn't have any full on cramps before, just the pre-AF mini cramps).

The question of the night is: do I take my progesterone supplement tonight? Usually my period starts about 12-13dpo while I am still taking the supplement. I know that if I do happen to be pg, I will need to be on progesterone support. I have an apt with my obgyn tomorrow morning so he can confirm with a blood test if AF hasn't shown by that time. I am leaning toward taking the prog. tonight, just in case... I guess I would rather err on the side of cautious than do anything that could jeopardize m/c a possible bean.

I'm Still Alive

Sorry for the lack of entries. I have been busy and stressed, but I have also not really had anything to say. I've felt myself shutting down lately, but not necessarily depressed. I guess I've just been feeling quiet. My husband has been going through a hard time (because of IF stuff and other personal stuff, in addition to looking for work, which is not going well). I have been really focused on helping him. I don't like seeing him suffer. Caring for him has given me something else to worry about so I haven't been as obsessed with IF stuff.

But, since IF is in my body it eventually becomes impossible to ignore. I had some "shooting" cramps on 8dpo, which I couldn't help but wonder if it was implantation... But then, on 11dpo I dutifully got the pre-AF cramps I always get a few days before my period so I gave up hope. The inevitable was coming. The cramps came every day... 11dpo, 12dpo, 13dpo, 14dpo. Wait, did I just say 14 dpo? My longest luteal phase ever was 13 days and here it is at the end of day 14 and the TP is still white as snow. I have some internet cheapy tests so if AF doesn't come in the night I am testing tomorrow morning.

I still don't hold out much hope. My bbs aren't sore (although, I might use the word sensitive to describe them). And, there are the cramps that feel just like every month. It's possible that the progesterone I've been taking has extended my luteal phase some more. That would be good because I tend to have short luteal phases when left to my own devises. I do have an appointment with the doc on Tuesday morning. I originally made the appointment because I thought that this was the second failed cycle since my doc said try a couple more months with opks to track my ovulation. This cycle I did not get a clear surge on the opk so, in case I'm not ovulating properly, I wanted to have an appointment set up. The tiny bit of hope thought that I could use the appointment for a beta if AF happened to stay away. I will probably end up using the apt to discuss endo treatment options.

Don't you love how I always seem to end on a positive...?