CD 4

I'm not really sure what to say. It's cd 4. I'm still having pretty sharp cramping (ibu.profin helps some but not totally) and bleeding with heavy clotting. We saw the doc yesterday. He told us the results of the beta tests and my numbers were going down. In a way I think I'm glad I didn't know that because it would have made the get-together with my friends on Saturday torturous. I think I passed the baby on Monday. I saved the tissue in case my doc wanted to test it, but he didn't think it was necessary because the outcome wouldn't change our approach for the future. He wants us to wait until I have 2 normal cycles before we start trying again. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it feels like our grieving is just being prolonged.

I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.

I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.

I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.