Wednesday, September 19, 2007

CD 4

I'm not really sure what to say. It's cd 4. I'm still having pretty sharp cramping (ibu.profin helps some but not totally) and bleeding with heavy clotting. We saw the doc yesterday. He told us the results of the beta tests and my numbers were going down. In a way I think I'm glad I didn't know that because it would have made the get-together with my friends on Saturday torturous. I think I passed the baby on Monday. I saved the tissue in case my doc wanted to test it, but he didn't think it was necessary because the outcome wouldn't change our approach for the future. He wants us to wait until I have 2 normal cycles before we start trying again. I understand why he wants us to wait, but it feels like our grieving is just being prolonged.

I'm not dealing very well. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone (except hubby) because people say stupid things that they think are helpful. Unfortunately it just makes it worse. All I want to do are mindless things that distract me (at least partially). It's hard to focus. People at work are concerned that I'm not feeling well, but I don't really want to get into it with them. The women in my department know, and my supervisor.

I did tell some friends, hoping that they would be able to offer support. Their attempts have been a little hit and miss. I don't really blame them for the most part though. I know I'm not really consolable right now. It's hard for people to relate to how it feels to loose your first pregnancy after a year and a half of trying. One friend (who has had a m/c, but after she had her first child) told me the most comforting thing someone told her was that she would have more children. I appreciate the effort, but I'm not sure we will. It took us so long to achieve pregnancy once, and hubby doesn't want to take his prescrip any more. So, if that was what pushed us over into fertile land we might not get pregnant again. And, if we do, what's to stop me from m/cing again? I was already doing everything possible to try to prevent a m/c.

I feel like I'm shutting down. I don't want to talk. I don't want to pray. I'm tired of crying (which is all I do if I do talk or pray). I don't know if it's just a defence mechanism or a healthy coping strategy, but I have definitely hardened my heart. I just walk around as a shell of a person. Then, on top of everything, I feel guilty for hardening my heart. I just keep hearing in my head, "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart." I know God wants me to share this with him. The theologian in my head says that God is grieving with me. But, I don't feel God grieving. I don't really trust God right now. I "know" that he didn't force this situation on me (which would just be cruel) but it kind of feels like he did. If God is the creator of life, why won't he create life (sustainable life) within me? I know I'm not entitled to a child, but I really think we would make good parents. It just doesn't seem fair. And, I don't feel safe trusting my heart to God. And now the Catholic guilt kicks in and I'm worried about going to hell... but I still don't feel like praying.

15 comments:

Egged Out said...

I'm sorry to hear your news. My thoughts and prayers are with you. take care.

underthewillow said...

::hug:: I'm really sorry that you two are going through this.

Fertilize Me said...

Oh HUGS my girl! I am so sorry to read this post. It just makes my heart ache for you. If you need more venting, email me ANYTIME. You do not have to be strong or be anything. You just be you and get through day to day

SaraS-P said...

I completely relate to the frustration over having to wait. I am in that waiting limbo right now, and I just wish I could start over TODAY.

I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

singletracey said...

I can relate to your frustration. I am sorry....

Kim said...

My eyes are tearing up. I wish I could write something that would take some of the pain away. Please know I care and will be checking in. I know what you mean about the guilty feeling with God. I know I should trust Him more but I'm just so drained and feel let down all around.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Elizabeth said...

This is so hard, I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

Bea said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I wish you wouldn't be so hard on yourself about what you're feeling and what you think you should be feeling. Sometimes you need to take your grief in little doses, instead of all at once.

Bea

Debby said...

So, so sorry. I hope you find some comfort during this sucky time. I've struggled with the why God keeps good things from us throughout this journey too. Lately reading the Book of Job has helped....especially chapters 38 through the end. I also totally understand the not feeling like talking to him too. I've been there.

Mrs. B said...

Hey honey, all I can say is that there is nothing anyone can say that will make this easier. You simply need to allow yourself time to grieve and recognize that you do have to go through all the stages of grief. It is a hard, hard process, I know I've been through it too many times. But please know that we are here to listen to you cry or vent or get pissed or whatever you need...

*hugs*

Searching said...

It's absolutely NOT fair. I'm so sorry. :(

Leah said...

I am so, so terribly sorry. As someone who has suffered multiple miscarriages and half a decade of trying to make babies, the only thing I can tell you is that it DOES get better. The white hot knife of grief that greets you first thing when you wake up, when you are in the shower, when you are at a traffic light, it eventually gets a little better.

It never goes away completely, you are forever changed, but I really do promise you that the painful, empty, horrible feeling you have right now is normal and will fade with time and healing.

I'm sending many prayers and a thousand hugs your way.

shbuck said...

I love you wife:)

Amanda said...

I am so sorry. It hurts and nothing I can say will make you feel better. But I am sorry. It really does suck.

Alison said...

I'm so sorry you went through this!