It's kind of funny how God can speak in your life sometimes. This morning I spoke to 2 women who (coincidentally) shared their stories of struggle with IF and m/c. Both of them had heart-breaking stories (10 years of IF with 2 m/c's; 1 m/c and 1 still born at 22 wks with severe physical disabilities). Both women now have 3 children (and one is trying for a 4th). Both women basically told me that they believe that if you have a true desire in your heart for children God will grant your desire. Otherwise, God will take your desire away so you can move on. The second woman was surprised that she told me the whole story and kept saying "I don't know why I'm telling you this." Toward the end of the conversation I told her (briefly) that I had m/c'd last Sunday and had been ttc for a year and a half. She was very understanding and encouraging.
I'm not sure I fully believe that just because I have a desire for children in my heart God will grant it... I know too many couples whose desire was not granted. However, it did kind of feel like God was trying to speak to me through these women. It felt like, since I was asking other people to speak to God on my behalf, God was speaking back to me through other people. I don't know if it's reasonable, but I felt some hope return. I still don't feel like I trust God 100%. I definitely need to forgive more and give myself time for the trust to (hopefully) build again. I do feel a little more enclined to think of God suffering with me, rather than sending me the suffering so I can "learn something" (don't you hate it when people tell you that?!?).
So, where am I now? I'm not sure. I guess I'm feeling more inclined to want to pray again, but I am still very skeptical that we will magically get pg and all will be well from now on. When I first m/c'd someone (sorry, I can't remember who) told me that I would be changed forever after that experience. I think she was right. I will always grieve the loss of my first child. And, now I am robbed of being able to relax and enjoy any future pregnancies because I will be constantly worried about another m/c and the pain that comes with it. I still don't understand why this happened. I guess I never will.
To all of you who were praying for me, thank you. If you want to continue with the prayer, I won't be upset. I will probably need more intercessory prayer in the days to come...