You may have guessed this from the title of my post... AF showed full-fleged today, crushing that last sliver of "maybe it's a miracle" hope I was holding onto for this cycle. I know it's naive and kind of "pie in the sky" thinking, but I really thought that I was going to get pg this cycle and it would help cushion the blow of my m/c. I thought we had found the "magic formula" and my body would just slip back into being pg. I think I just didn't want to face the probability that I would have to live through Advent and Christmas (again) not pg. I'm so tired of being sad during times that are supposed to be happy. I'm just tired of being sad period. Right now, I'm seriously considering just stopping all medications and stop keeping track of my cycle. This way, at least, I would be able to drink alcohol again (a no no when taking metfor.min) when I had a bad day or just wanted to relax with friends.
I would stop everything except... I want to have a baby more than anything else in the world. If I'm honest with myself I may want to have a baby more than I want to work on my relationship with God (which is a problem).
So, since I don't think I can bring myself to stop (and "just relax" as people keep telling me) I need to do something pro-active. I think I will focus on loosing weight. I lost some weight about a year ago and my B.M.I. went from 37 to 35. Since then I have only gone down to 33.5. I just haven't really been trying very hard. That is going to change. I know diet and exercise works for me. I have at least 5 exercise programs that I have ordered from late night TV over the years...I just need to find the motivation to use them. I think I have finally reached a point where I have had enough of this crap! I'm feeling a little angry at myself for putting off loosing more weight until now. I know that extra weight makes my endo worse. It is time to say goodbye to overweight me and uncover the skinny girl inside. My goal is to get my B.M.I. down to at least 26. I know technically that is still overweight but I have really big bbies (which don't seem to shrink when I loose weight) so I think that is a good weight for me.
List of things to do today:
- get a B.M.I. ticker up on my blog
- go shopping for healthy food (including snack options)
- put together an exercise plan/schedule
- eat a healthy lunch and dinner
Would anyone else like to join me in my quest to loose weight? I have read other bloggers talking about trying to loose weight. I know I will need some help being accountable. Let's work together! Leave a comment with a link to your blog or email if you would like to join me.