Persistence

So, the readings at church today were about prayer and persistence. The first reading (Gen 18:20-32) was the story of Abraham asking God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah for just 50, 45, 40, 30, 20, and finally 10 innocent people. The Psalm (Ps 138: 1-8) was about David's persistent life of prayer and God's fidelity to David because of it. The second reading (Col 2:12-14) was about God's persistent love for us, even through our continued sinfulness, and His constant forgiveness of our sins. The gospel (Luke 11:1-13) was when Jesus taught his disciples the Lord's Prayer, as well as taught them the parable of the persistent man who knocked on his friend's door until his friend let him in.

I have to say, these readings kicked my butt this morning! For a while I was doing pretty good with at least consistent daily prayer, but lately I have slipped back into a prayer void. I can feel a difference too. I feel very distant from God. I also feel restless and more stressed and anxious. The problem is, I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I guess working 50-60 hour weeks hasn't helped... It's hard to find energy for anything (even when you know that it will give you more energy in the long run) when you're exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, I go back and forth about actually wanting a better relationship with God.

I think that, deep down, I'm still upset with God for making it so difficult for us to have a baby. I had to wait forever to meet hubby, and experienced so much lonliness during the wait. I guess I had hoped that my heart break over being denied my heart's deepest desires was over. I mean, how much can one person take? I know that my suffering doesn't compare with the suffering others have to go through, but it hasn't been a cake walk either.

Anyway, back to the persistence in prayer. Abraham had the kind of relationship with God that he could ask God to change His plans, but do it in a way that it wasn't disrespectful. AND because of Abraham's faith in God (which I know can only be developed through persistent prayer) Abraham was eventually awarded with a child in his old age. [Normally I HATE stories of people who eventually got a child after 10+ years of infertility because I have a hard time looking past the 10+ years of suffering. Maybe I need to change my attitude...]

In regards to the gospel, the priest said that the point of the the parable of the persistent man was not that if you pray for something long enough God will eventually give it to you to get you to shut up (which was TOTALLY where my mind was going). The priest said that the point was that if you pray consistently you are developing your relationship with God so that you will better appreciate the gifts that God does give you.

Since I am still thinking sarcastic things in response to these readings, I guess I still have a long way to go. I'm so tired of being infertile. I'm also very worried that I will stay infertile until I manage to put my relationship with God first in my life. I "know" that I will probably be happier and more at peace when I finally manage to do this, but I find myself resisting it. I guess I resent the feeling that God is holding a baby over my head, like a ransom, until I manage to work out my relationship with him.

Have I mentioned that I have trust issues with God...? I haven't lost all the hope I felt last week, but I'm definitely feeling more pessimistic. I've also been having mood swings the past two days, so I'm sure that is affecting my outlook slightly...

In other news, today is CD 7. I should be gearing up to ovulate in the next week or so. So many people I know (online and in RL) are getting BFPs lately. I'm really hoping that it is contagious. I'm really sick of the IF crap. I'm ready to move on!

Hope Springs Eternal

Sorry I've been MIA for a little while. I was immersed in Harry Potter. Then, is was full-body tackled by work. I have a small breather (a couple days) and then I probably won't be able to un-burry myself from work until the end of August. =(

Anyway, I just wanted to post a little update on how I'm doing. I'm CD3. Amazingly, I'm doing pretty well. I pretty much figured last cycle wouldn't be "the one" because our timing wasn't very good. I had a few moments of doubt because my luteal phase went 1 day longer than it has been for the past 4 cycles (the only cycles in the last few years that could be called "regular") so I wondered. But, then AF came at 14dpo. That was actually exciting in itself because I have historically had a very short luteal phase. I am taking progesterone in the second half of my cycle to try to help with this problem. I don't want to manage to fertilize an eggie, only to have it flushed away before it can implant! (Of course, we have no way of knowing how many times this may have already happened, but I'm going to pretend it never has... It's too depressing to think otherwise.)

I think my endo may have improved some, which I'm very excited about! I did have some cramps this cycle during AF, but not nearly as bad as before and not at all during ovulation time. Also I did not have any break-through bleading this cycle which makes my think that I haven't developed any new polyps since my lap (at least not in my uterus). AND [TMI warning] I had A LOT of brown bleading and gummy mucus on the first day of AF. I hope that means that the acupuncture worked and that the stagnant blood was working its way out. If not, I'm kind of up a creek because we ran out of money and I had to stop going to acupuncture. I think I'll be ok though because on my initial visit my acu doc said I needed to go 10 times and I went 12 times total.

So, I'm pretty focused on this cycle now. We are planning the biggest boogie marathon of our lives. I don't think we will have anything get in the way (like trips, or tests to study for, etc.). That is exciting. It's hard to have good timing when life keeps getting in the way... I also have a good supply of pre-seed and 5 opks. This is my first time trying opks, so hopefully I can find my surge without having to buy more opks. I have a feeling that I ovulate around cd 15 so it will be good to know for sure. Also, I'm hoping that the opks will let me know if I have a "strong" or a "weak" ovulation. I guess we'll see... I used to use the spit ferning microscope, but my scope broke. I had trouble reading it anyway, so hopefully opks are more clear.

I guess the overall theme of this post is that I'm feeling hopeful. I'm feeling hopeful for the first time in at least 6 months. Sure, there were moments where I would try to grasp at hope and hold on, but it would always slip between my fingers (when I didn't just let go entirely). I actually feel like it is really possible for this month to be our month. So many people around me (in IF world and in RL world) have been getting BFPs lately. I really think my turn is coming up. I have a RL friend who told me he had a dream (or vision?) that I would be pregnant this year. Well, there are only 5 months left... After what I've already been through, that doesn't seem tooooo long... although, the sooner the better! So, here's to hope (picture me raising a glass of sparkling apple cider since I'm on metformin)!

More Waiting...

Yesterday we had an apt with my obgyn to check in and "discuss our options." We told him the whole saga of the last 4 months worrying about DH's sperm counts. He is no longer going to send people to the horrible first urologist we went to, so that is good. He also apologized for the 4 months that we had to endure, which was nice to hear. Other than that, I found the apt a little frustrating (although I kind of knew it would happen that way). I was hoping he would suggest clo.mid, but he didn't. We waited for an hour to see him (he's the most popular doctor in the practice) and then when we did see him he basically told us that we should just keep trying for a while using opk's and doing the boogie dance more. At least he didn't actually say the words "just relax." He thinks we have been pretty aggressive until now, so we should give it a chance. He did say that he thinks I'm ovulating because my chart has gotten regular (after years of *crazy* cycles). Although, he suggested using an opk to determine if I'm having a strong ovulation.

I looked at the actual ovulation monitors and they are *expensive*!! I have a few internet opks that came in this fertility package I ordered. I'm going to try them to see if I can read them. I'm nervous about being able to tell how "strong" my ovulation is. I used to use a saliva microscope, but I found it difficult to read sometimes. I don't think I always "smeared" propperly, so it was hard to see if my saliva was ferning partially or fully. I only got a classic "full fern" pattern once. Maybe I only had a strong ovulation that once? I don't know. Eventually my microscope broke so I took it as a sign that I should quit using it...

Anyway, I'm currently on cd22 and I'm not too hopeful. I got cold last night, which I took as a sign that AF is on her way. Our timing wasn't great this cycle anyway. Next cycle we are planning to use opks and have the ultimate boogie marathon, with a little pre-seed thrown in. Hopefully that will do the trick.

The Verdict **UPDATED**

Remember this post? Today hubby and I went to the urologist to find out the full results of his SA tests. Have you ever been completely relieved and very sad at the same time? That was how I felt after we left the doctor's office. It turns out that hubby's results were all within normal range! His morphology was according to the Kruger (sp?) scale, so his 5% is just barely within normal range. Of course, we would like it to be a little higher, but with his numbers we should have about a 60% chance of conceiving every month. His testosterone was also low, but still within "normal" range (barely). The doctor prescribed Arimidex for hubby, which is supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. Apparently this is the new drug they are using instead of Clomid for men. So, it looks like hubby's varicocele isn't really a problem.

You may be wondering why one of my reactions to this good news was sadness. I have to admit, it kind of took me by surprise. We had both braced ourselves for the worst. The last few months of thinking hubby's spermies were deformed and couldn't swim (on top of my PCOS and endo) have been agony! However, thinking that we had both male and female factors made it feel like it wasn't anyone's fault... we were just both dealt a crappy hand. Now that we know that hubby is fine (which, I repeat is GREAT news and really does make me happy!) I immediately started to feel like the past year and a half of our infertility struggle was all my fault. I'm over weight. I have lost some weight, but around the time we got hubby's very first SA results (the ones that were total CRAP) I quit trying aggressively to loose weight and just kind of maintained my initial loss. The last few weeks (while I was secretly hoping DH's newest SA would come back normal) I have been wondering if my added weight has been keeping us from getting pregnant. When we got hubby's good results today, it was like my worst fears were true and it was all my fault that we didn't have a baby.

I know this reaction is not rational. I only had my laproscopy 4 months ago. My cycles have only be "regular" for 3 months. This is the first month that I haven't had either break-through bleeding or severe cramping around my ovulation time. Also, our timing hasn't always been spot on every month. We were doing the boogie dance every other day because we thought we had a male factor. Logically, I know that with all these things put together it adds up to reasonable explanations for IF. I guess it is just hard not to internalize my IF struggles. Also, I think that women, especially, have a tendency to feel like part of their self-worth is tied up in their ability to bear children. Maybe I shouldn't speak for other women, but I definitely think this is something I am experiencing. I feel called to motherhood. Because I am (thus far) unable to conceive, it feels like I am already failing to live out this call.

So, where do I go from here? I have already started my new diet routine, and I am going to stick to the exercise routine I already set up for myself. I know I can loose weight. I just have to stay motivated and dedicated. Additionally, I am making another apt with my OBGYN. The urologist said we would be very good candidates for IUI, if we want to try that. I need to check in with my doc anyway, to see if the acupuncture has worked as well as I feel like it has. After my lap, he said to try for another 3-6 months (assuming hubby's SA was normal) and then check back with him. It has been 4 months and it will probably take a while to get an apt. Lastly, I will work on trying to overcome my guilt. I know it doesn't help anything. I am also going to try to focus on the good news that we received. We don't have to struggle against female AND male factors! This is GREAT NEWS! I really am grateful! This makes our journey toward having a family a whole lot less complicated. I just wish we had done the boogie dance (rather than being depressed about what we thought were horrible SA results) 2 days ago when I ovulated... I guess we will just have to plan better for next cycle. The seed of hope has been planted in my heart. I think this is a good thing. It's scary, though, because with greater hope comes the probability for greater disappointment and heart break.

Thanks for listening.

**UPDATE** I can't believe I forgot to include this last night. The only reason I didn't stay wallowing in my guilt and depression was because hubby reminded me about all the reasons why we probably still aren't pregnant that had nothing to do with my weight. He's so wonderful! I know lots of people really love their husbands and will think I'm biased, but I think I have the best, most wonderful husband ever! He is always so supportive. I can't imagine what a wreck I would be without him... It would not be a pretty picture! **

Adopting an Embryo?

Has anyone ever heard of this? A friend of mine in real-life (who also struggles with IF) told me about this today. I didn't realize that you could adopt other people's frozen and unwanted embryos. I Goo.gled it and got a couple sites, but haven't had a chance to read very much yet. I'm just curious if anyone out there has heard of this or done this? Or, do you know someone else who has done this? I'm wondering how successful it is. I wonder if there is a higher incidence of miscarriage if the embryo is not a genetic match to the birth mother. Are there ever rejection issues with the mom's body? Is it kind of like being a surrogate mother, except you adopt the baby? I just have so many questions! It seems like it might be a good option for someone who has issues conceiving but wants to experience pregnancy and the entire life of their child. Any feed back from people in blogland would be welcome!

Waiting

How much of our life do we spend waiting? It's frustrating. I would love to "live in the now" and "take the bull by the horns," but sometimes you don't have a choice. Even when I am trying to be proactive, so as not to waste time, there are things out of my control. Then, when I think I finally have everything worked out for one situation, another obstacle pops up. It feels like a never ending story. I think someone should write a theme song about waiting. I would adopt it...

Like Everybody Else, NOT

I think reality started to hit me tonight. Until now, I'm not sure I fully believed that our situation was really our situation. Even though hubby had an SA months ago that was not good, I found myself thinking things like, "Those results can't be right... I bet the lab made a mistake and hubby's numbers are fine... We can't really be infertile." Seeing the preliminary numbers for DH's most recent SAs finally made it feel really real. This isn't happening to "someone else," it's happening to us. We really are infertile. I'm the "someone else" this time.

This really shouldn't be news to me. It's not like we haven't had any problems up til now. In fact, we have really had nothing but problems. Even before we were married, I was charting because I knew my cycle was screwed up (at best). I grew up with stories of how it took my mom 7 years and 3 miscarriages to have me. My body is alarmingly like my mom's in many ways. I have been dreading infertility since before we started "trying" for a baby. I think the part I'm having a hard time adjusting to is that the problem isn't just my body. I don't think I ever expected hubby to really have a problem. It doesn't seem fair that we have to deal with problems in both of us! Isn't one person enough? My problems alone are enough to make pregnancy difficult, at best.

The reality of our situation is sinking in. Plans B, C, and D are looking much more probable now. I'm trying not to jump the gun. We still need to find out all of the details of DH's SA results and talk over options with the doctor. The problem is that I can't fool myself into thinking that the doc will say that everything is normal and we should be getting preggy any day now. Reality sucks sometimes. I've spent much of my life wanting to be unique/individual/different. This is one time I would much rather be "like everybody else."

Preliminary Results

Well, DH got some preliminary SA results over the phone from the nurse today. She didn't give him all of his numbers (she left out motility results, for one) so we don't have the complete picture. From what she did give us, it looks like his volume and count are good, and his antibody count was good (negative). It does look like his morphology numbers are pretty low (5%) though. Also, his hormone levels all seem to be on the low side. I'm not sure what all this means yet, but I have a growing feeling of dread. Hubby is pretty upset. He spent the better part of the afternoon doing internet research, which can make anyone crazy (as I'm sure you all know...). Unfortunately, we have to wait until Thursday for real answers. In the mean time, I think DH and I are bracing ourselves for the worst.

Haiku Meme

I thought Kirby's haiku meme sounded fun, so I decided to join.

endo cramps my style
with twisting, wrenching, bleeding
uterus in pain

acupuncture doc
pokes and prods, needles and herbs
but still I have cramps

no baby for me
only more blood, cramps, and tears
endo sucks, big time

I might try to write another one later. I would like to write a funny one, but it's not coming to me at the moment.

Physical and Mental Health Update

I'm not really up to an inspired, thoughtful post tonight. I just thought I would give a little update on our waiting game. Hubby deposited for his 2nd SA test this morning. The urology doc called this afternoon and left a message that they have hubby's 1st results in (I thought it took 2 days, but I guess it takes a week). We have an appt with the urologist next Thursday. Hubby said he would call to get his lab results tomorrow. I asked him if he really wanted to because before he wanted to wait. He said he would do whatever I wanted. At this point I don't know what I want.

As for me, I have been going to the acupuncturist for endo. Tomorrow will be my 10th visit (the doc originally thought I would only need 10 visits). I actually feel like I have more cramping from the endo now than I did before the acupuncture. I'm not sure what that means. I guess I'll just have to see what she says tomorrow.

Emotionally, today was not a good day. I actually started in a good mood. I don't know what happened, but around 10am I got in a funk and was kind of depressed. After that I fluxuated between my funk and tears for the rest of the day. It was really hard to get work done... Hubby was very supportive today (he's always supportive), especially since he had his turn at the funk-depressed day yesterday. I'm hoping I will wake up feeling better (and maintain that feeling) tomorrow. To help ensure a better day, I plan to wake up and do some DDR to get some endorphins pumping. In the mean time, sleep is what I need.

Waxing and Waning

Just so my last post isn't at the top forever, I thought I would report that I'm feeling a bit better today. Of course, it helps that I haven't had to endure another friend telling me she's pregnant for the 5th time in 7 years... However, I don't want to diminish the little bit of hope I am feeling. Hubby has his 2nd SA tomorrow (at least 2nd test under the correct conditions) and then next Thursday is the follow up appointment with the competent urologist to go over his blood work and SA results. At that point we will have some better answers to what is going on in hubby's body. The doctor did feel a varicocele, so I know that may be an issue. I'm hoping that his counts are good enough for IUI, at the very least. If not, we will probably start looking at adoption more seriously. Now, if only I could find a pot of gold...

Tired

I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of my body not working properly. I'm tired of feeling like crap. I'm tired of being an emotional freak and crying all the time. I'm tired of going to doctors. I'm tired of cringing everytime the topics of pregnancy, children, or parenting come up. I'm tired of feeling like I need to distance myself from people because it's too painful to be around them. I'm tired of all the CRAP that comes with IF. I HATE THIS! It shouldn't have to be this hard.