Sunday, July 29, 2007

Persistence

So, the readings at church today were about prayer and persistence. The first reading (Gen 18:20-32) was the story of Abraham asking God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah for just 50, 45, 40, 30, 20, and finally 10 innocent people. The Psalm (Ps 138: 1-8) was about David's persistent life of prayer and God's fidelity to David because of it. The second reading (Col 2:12-14) was about God's persistent love for us, even through our continued sinfulness, and His constant forgiveness of our sins. The gospel (Luke 11:1-13) was when Jesus taught his disciples the Lord's Prayer, as well as taught them the parable of the persistent man who knocked on his friend's door until his friend let him in.

I have to say, these readings kicked my butt this morning! For a while I was doing pretty good with at least consistent daily prayer, but lately I have slipped back into a prayer void. I can feel a difference too. I feel very distant from God. I also feel restless and more stressed and anxious. The problem is, I haven't really wanted to do anything about it. I guess working 50-60 hour weeks hasn't helped... It's hard to find energy for anything (even when you know that it will give you more energy in the long run) when you're exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. Also, I go back and forth about actually wanting a better relationship with God.

I think that, deep down, I'm still upset with God for making it so difficult for us to have a baby. I had to wait forever to meet hubby, and experienced so much lonliness during the wait. I guess I had hoped that my heart break over being denied my heart's deepest desires was over. I mean, how much can one person take? I know that my suffering doesn't compare with the suffering others have to go through, but it hasn't been a cake walk either.

Anyway, back to the persistence in prayer. Abraham had the kind of relationship with God that he could ask God to change His plans, but do it in a way that it wasn't disrespectful. AND because of Abraham's faith in God (which I know can only be developed through persistent prayer) Abraham was eventually awarded with a child in his old age. [Normally I HATE stories of people who eventually got a child after 10+ years of infertility because I have a hard time looking past the 10+ years of suffering. Maybe I need to change my attitude...]

In regards to the gospel, the priest said that the point of the the parable of the persistent man was not that if you pray for something long enough God will eventually give it to you to get you to shut up (which was TOTALLY where my mind was going). The priest said that the point was that if you pray consistently you are developing your relationship with God so that you will better appreciate the gifts that God does give you.

Since I am still thinking sarcastic things in response to these readings, I guess I still have a long way to go. I'm so tired of being infertile. I'm also very worried that I will stay infertile until I manage to put my relationship with God first in my life. I "know" that I will probably be happier and more at peace when I finally manage to do this, but I find myself resisting it. I guess I resent the feeling that God is holding a baby over my head, like a ransom, until I manage to work out my relationship with him.

Have I mentioned that I have trust issues with God...? I haven't lost all the hope I felt last week, but I'm definitely feeling more pessimistic. I've also been having mood swings the past two days, so I'm sure that is affecting my outlook slightly...

In other news, today is CD 7. I should be gearing up to ovulate in the next week or so. So many people I know (online and in RL) are getting BFPs lately. I'm really hoping that it is contagious. I'm really sick of the IF crap. I'm ready to move on!

3 comments:

Mrs. B said...

I'm on CD7 too, honey. So I'm right there with you! And I know what you mean about the whole "trust" issue. I go through that every month when AF shows. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair, we had a news story the other day about a newborn that was found in a garbage dumpster. Where is the fairness in that? When some of us would die for a baby and others just make 'em and leave 'em...

wanttobeamom said...

Ugh! Stories like that make me sick! =( It's just not right!

Kim said...

I can relate. God used to be a huge part of my life prior to infertility. I feel a little closer to him now but I recall an angry prayer I said a few months ago. I found myself then being angry at myself for being angry at Him.
I know He has a plan for me but part of me feels that having so much pain can't possibly be part of it.