Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Verdict **UPDATED**

Remember this post? Today hubby and I went to the urologist to find out the full results of his SA tests. Have you ever been completely relieved and very sad at the same time? That was how I felt after we left the doctor's office. It turns out that hubby's results were all within normal range! His morphology was according to the Kruger (sp?) scale, so his 5% is just barely within normal range. Of course, we would like it to be a little higher, but with his numbers we should have about a 60% chance of conceiving every month. His testosterone was also low, but still within "normal" range (barely). The doctor prescribed Arimidex for hubby, which is supposed to help his body produce more testosterone. Apparently this is the new drug they are using instead of Clomid for men. So, it looks like hubby's varicocele isn't really a problem.

You may be wondering why one of my reactions to this good news was sadness. I have to admit, it kind of took me by surprise. We had both braced ourselves for the worst. The last few months of thinking hubby's spermies were deformed and couldn't swim (on top of my PCOS and endo) have been agony! However, thinking that we had both male and female factors made it feel like it wasn't anyone's fault... we were just both dealt a crappy hand. Now that we know that hubby is fine (which, I repeat is GREAT news and really does make me happy!) I immediately started to feel like the past year and a half of our infertility struggle was all my fault. I'm over weight. I have lost some weight, but around the time we got hubby's very first SA results (the ones that were total CRAP) I quit trying aggressively to loose weight and just kind of maintained my initial loss. The last few weeks (while I was secretly hoping DH's newest SA would come back normal) I have been wondering if my added weight has been keeping us from getting pregnant. When we got hubby's good results today, it was like my worst fears were true and it was all my fault that we didn't have a baby.

I know this reaction is not rational. I only had my laproscopy 4 months ago. My cycles have only be "regular" for 3 months. This is the first month that I haven't had either break-through bleeding or severe cramping around my ovulation time. Also, our timing hasn't always been spot on every month. We were doing the boogie dance every other day because we thought we had a male factor. Logically, I know that with all these things put together it adds up to reasonable explanations for IF. I guess it is just hard not to internalize my IF struggles. Also, I think that women, especially, have a tendency to feel like part of their self-worth is tied up in their ability to bear children. Maybe I shouldn't speak for other women, but I definitely think this is something I am experiencing. I feel called to motherhood. Because I am (thus far) unable to conceive, it feels like I am already failing to live out this call.

So, where do I go from here? I have already started my new diet routine, and I am going to stick to the exercise routine I already set up for myself. I know I can loose weight. I just have to stay motivated and dedicated. Additionally, I am making another apt with my OBGYN. The urologist said we would be very good candidates for IUI, if we want to try that. I need to check in with my doc anyway, to see if the acupuncture has worked as well as I feel like it has. After my lap, he said to try for another 3-6 months (assuming hubby's SA was normal) and then check back with him. It has been 4 months and it will probably take a while to get an apt. Lastly, I will work on trying to overcome my guilt. I know it doesn't help anything. I am also going to try to focus on the good news that we received. We don't have to struggle against female AND male factors! This is GREAT NEWS! I really am grateful! This makes our journey toward having a family a whole lot less complicated. I just wish we had done the boogie dance (rather than being depressed about what we thought were horrible SA results) 2 days ago when I ovulated... I guess we will just have to plan better for next cycle. The seed of hope has been planted in my heart. I think this is a good thing. It's scary, though, because with greater hope comes the probability for greater disappointment and heart break.

Thanks for listening.

**UPDATE** I can't believe I forgot to include this last night. The only reason I didn't stay wallowing in my guilt and depression was because hubby reminded me about all the reasons why we probably still aren't pregnant that had nothing to do with my weight. He's so wonderful! I know lots of people really love their husbands and will think I'm biased, but I think I have the best, most wonderful husband ever! He is always so supportive. I can't imagine what a wreck I would be without him... It would not be a pretty picture! **


Kim said...

I felt the same way when hubby's SA came back normal - that this was all on me. It went away after awhile - aftering obsessing over it. Just remember that you're both in this together. The end result will be both of yours - not just yours or his.

Good luck with the diet and exercise plan, too!

Trish said...

We have both male and female factor and I STILL feel like it's my fault. We've been doing IUIs and his post-wash counts have all been pretty good (low end of normal.) I've had 1 miscarriage and possibly facing another and laid in bed last night and apologized for letting him down again. Of course, being the great husband that he is, he reassured me that it isn't my fault and I haven't let him down, but that doesn't change the way I feel. I tend to internalize a lot of stuff.. but this particularly.. we grow up being told what cute little mommies we are to our dolls, what pretty babies we'd make etc etc. Even now, I hear a lot what a great mom I'll be.. and I think I will be, too. But I just can't seem to get there.
And I feel like I've let me and everyone else down.

wanttobeamom said...

Thanks for the empathy. It's good to know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

SaraS-P said...

I had a similar reaction to my husband's SA, I was relieved yet hurt that it was officially all my fault. Women do tie up their self worth in fertility.

Like you, I try to remind myself that a good SA is a GOOD thing - it should mean this IS possible for us.

Good luck with your diet plan!