Like Everybody Else, NOT

I think reality started to hit me tonight. Until now, I'm not sure I fully believed that our situation was really our situation. Even though hubby had an SA months ago that was not good, I found myself thinking things like, "Those results can't be right... I bet the lab made a mistake and hubby's numbers are fine... We can't really be infertile." Seeing the preliminary numbers for DH's most recent SAs finally made it feel really real. This isn't happening to "someone else," it's happening to us. We really are infertile. I'm the "someone else" this time.

This really shouldn't be news to me. It's not like we haven't had any problems up til now. In fact, we have really had nothing but problems. Even before we were married, I was charting because I knew my cycle was screwed up (at best). I grew up with stories of how it took my mom 7 years and 3 miscarriages to have me. My body is alarmingly like my mom's in many ways. I have been dreading infertility since before we started "trying" for a baby. I think the part I'm having a hard time adjusting to is that the problem isn't just my body. I don't think I ever expected hubby to really have a problem. It doesn't seem fair that we have to deal with problems in both of us! Isn't one person enough? My problems alone are enough to make pregnancy difficult, at best.

The reality of our situation is sinking in. Plans B, C, and D are looking much more probable now. I'm trying not to jump the gun. We still need to find out all of the details of DH's SA results and talk over options with the doctor. The problem is that I can't fool myself into thinking that the doc will say that everything is normal and we should be getting preggy any day now. Reality sucks sometimes. I've spent much of my life wanting to be unique/individual/different. This is one time I would much rather be "like everybody else."