I decided to start this blog mostly so that I will have a place to vent. I never expected my trying to conceive (TTC) journey to be so complicated. Hubby and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year now. I knew that I had crazy cycles before we got married. I just didn't realize how crazy they were, or why they were crazy. Thankfully, I decided to follow the Church's teaching against contraception and have been charting my cycle (for NFP purposes) for several years now. My charting has enabled us to find a doctor (who is an NFP only doc) who knows a lot about dealing with fertility issues and was quick to find an accurate diagnosis for my "issues." On Wednesday, March 14th I had surgery (a laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, and chromotubation). It turns out that I am lucky enough to have both PCOS and endometriosis... Isn't that great?!?
The doctor was able to remove some endometrial polyps in my uterus, but was not able to remove the endometrial growths outside my uterus (the main one was too close to a major artery). My ovaries are enlarged, but did not have any cysts, so that's good. Also, my tubes are clear, so that's good too. I don't know how bad my endometriosis is. I have a follow up appointment with my doc on Tuesday, March 27th. I have a slew of questions to ask him at that time. Hopefully, we will leave that appointment with an action plan in place.
So, how are Hubby and I dealing with all this? I guess it depends on the day. We both want to have kids pretty badly. Last time I asked Hubby he said he was about an 8 on a scale of 1-10. I would say I'm at least a 10 on that scale. The best realization I've had during this crazy time is that I love being married to Hubby. I would rather be married to Hubby and never have children than have children with someone else or by myself. This realization has helped me believe that we can be happy if we never have children. It doesn't, however, take away the longing in my heart. Hubby says that he just wants me to be healthy. He hasn't talked about it too much though. I'm trying to keep perspective and focus on the positive during this whole journey. We know what is wrong with me. It could be worse. Many women in my situation successfully carry a pregnancy to term. We have not even come close to exhausting our options to increase our chance of pregnancy. Although I am 30, I am still not old enough to be at higher risk for achieving/maintaining pregnancy.
I will admit that I break down sometimes. I have a hard time dealing with the knowledge that some women, who don't even want kids, get pregnant at the drop of a hat. It infuriates me when I hear about couples who get pregnant and they are bad parents or have an unstable marriage. It's not fair that they get a baby! I wish I could take their baby away and raise him myself. Hubby and I have a wonderful marriage and the skills to be decent parents (at least). I'm trying not to get bitter. I want to be able to rejoice with others. Lord, help me to spend my energy on being thankful for all of the wonderful gifts I have been given!
**NOTE: I moved this blog over from where it previously lived, so the dates from March to June of 2007 are a little off.