Tearing Up

3/25/07
I teared up in mass today. We were singing the song "Blessed be the Name of the Lord."
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out, I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say Lord,
Blessed be your name

This song cut pretty close to home. I definitely felt like it was a challenge to me. Sometimes I want to embrace the pain of my situation and offer it to God and still be able to be gracious and "bless His name." And, sometimes I don't want bless God. Sometimes I am just upset with God and I want to avoid Him. My head tells me (from my many years of study...) that God did not send me infertility to punish me. My heart still hurts. I know God is trying to comfort me. A couple months ago I could not sleep for a few hours. It occurred to me that I might be having a "Samuel moment" and God was trying to get my attention. So, I said "Here I am Lord, I am listening." God just told me that he loved me. It made me cry. I had been avoiding God for a while. I still go to Sunday mass and pray with Hubby every morning and night. But, I haven't been spending quality time with God alone. I appreciate that He was trying to reach out to me and reassure me. I still don't feel like I am ready to pray again. I have moments of "break through" prayer, even when I'm distracted in mass. Usually it's music that leads me to prayer. But, I don't want to give myself over fully to those moments of prayer. I'm not sure if I'm afraid of breaking down in public (a very real possibility) or if I'm just avoiding looking at my sorrow in the face. Every month when my period comes I get very upset. The last time I failed to get pregnant I went to church and bawled my eyes out.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation. I don't know if I want to do something differently. Part of me thinks that spending more time with God will make it easier for me to handle this situation. Part of me thinks it will make it worse, or at least me my emotions more raw and near the surface. Maybe my defence mechanism of avoiding is healthy and just the way I have figured out to deal with the situation and still function in the rest of my life. Writing about it on this blog is my way of starting to look honestly at myself. I think I can only handle one peak at a time so I'm going to log now.