Monday, June 25, 2007

Embodiment

6/12/07
I've been thinking about this post for a while. A couple cycles ago, during my period, it hit me why (at least one of the reasons why) it was so painful every time my period arrived. Every month I embody failure, barrenness, and pain. After a while of embodying these things, they start to feel like they are part of my identity, part of who I am as a person. Then, eventually, the struggle with infertility starts to feel like I embody death every month because I cannot embody life. I fail at creating life. Every month my husband and I mourn as if a loved one has died. Although an actual person does not die every month, the hope of expanding our family dies a little more; our faith that we will some day be parents dies a little more; the hope of new life dies. I try to renew these hopes and dreams with the renewal of my fertility symptoms, but every month it becomes harder and harder. I find myself almost hoping I stay emotionally numb and apathetic because it is easier than the emotional roller coaster. God, please help me find hope and not loose it again.

3 comments:

Geohde said...

Hi there. I'm here via the blog roundup. I hope you don't mind me commenting.

I understand the pain that comes with each 'failed' cycle. It's so hard to see it any other way than some sort of personal failure, even if it is just errant biology out of our control.

take care

xx

J

Kami said...

I have been numb and I have been hopeful. Hopeful feels so good for a while, but the BFN seems to hurt more because of the hope. Still, I think the trade off is worth it. May you find hope again.

Chili said...

I'm worried about getting on the roller coaster again. We've just had a couple of (really long...) cycles where there was absolutely no hope at all, and therefore no letdown. Now that I've started treatment, I'm afraid that hope is going to creep back in and make the ride down harder.

I hope you're feeling at least a little better.