Embodiment

6/12/07
I've been thinking about this post for a while. A couple cycles ago, during my period, it hit me why (at least one of the reasons why) it was so painful every time my period arrived. Every month I embody failure, barrenness, and pain. After a while of embodying these things, they start to feel like they are part of my identity, part of who I am as a person. Then, eventually, the struggle with infertility starts to feel like I embody death every month because I cannot embody life. I fail at creating life. Every month my husband and I mourn as if a loved one has died. Although an actual person does not die every month, the hope of expanding our family dies a little more; our faith that we will some day be parents dies a little more; the hope of new life dies. I try to renew these hopes and dreams with the renewal of my fertility symptoms, but every month it becomes harder and harder. I find myself almost hoping I stay emotionally numb and apathetic because it is easier than the emotional roller coaster. God, please help me find hope and not loose it again.