My Relationship with God

It's been a while since I blogged about my prayer life struggles so I thought I would post an update. I guess the update is kind of a mixed bag. I did find a spiritual director and have met with her several times and we are getting along pretty well. My prayer life has also improved. I have been praying more regularly, even daily, although this last week has been a little more spotty. I have been praying with the Psalms more, and that has been good too. The best thing, though, is that I'm feeling more comfortable with God. A couple months ago a friend made a comment to me that God was not sending infertility to me because He thought I would not be a good mom. Instead, God is crying with me in my sorrow and mourning. That really helped me stop and adjust my thinking. Since then it has been much easier for me to want to invite God into my life again. I have been imagining myself as a little girl sitting on God's lap and it feels safe. That is nice.

So, why is the update a mixed bag? It comes back to my trust issues again. I feel like God is calling me to rely in Him completely, not just partially. I still find myself struggling to trust. I don't really trust that I will get to be a mom, my deepest desire. I "know" that God puts our deepest desires in our hearts because they are signs of our vocation... at least the academic part of my head knows this. My heart is not so sure. Actually, it's probably more acurate to say that deep down I don't believe it will ever happen. Then, there's a little voice in me that remembers that I didn't believe I would ever be married, but then I met my wonderful DH and now we're ecstatically happy being married to each other. So, maybe I haven't lost all hope. I am trying to build off of this little sliver of hope to improve my trust in God. It's serving as my "proof" of God's trust-worthiness.

I'm so going to hell for not trusting God, even after everything He has already given me...