Monday, June 25, 2007

It’s a Whole Different World

I was struck today at how surreal my TTC journey has been. Sometimes I feel like I have been sucked into a whole different planet, complete with it's own language and method of marking time. Only a select few people have been granted access/citizenship into the infertility world. Everyone else on earth seems to be clueless to the existence of this world. However, for the citizens of the infertility planet, it can be their primary experience of community. It is so easy to eat, drink, and sleep in the infertility zone. I find myself using all of the short hand and vocabulary of the infertility citizens as if it were my native language (at least in the conversations in my head and online with the other ladies struggling with infertility). It's almost like we (the infertile) are sisters. I am more comfortable sharing my struggles with perfect strangers than I am with my friends. It's amazing how much goes on in the sub-culture of those struggling with infertility. If you look in the internet, you could be trapped in websites and blogs for weeks. These strangers understand my struggle much better than most of the people in my life. And, if I meet another "sister" in person, it's like we have an instant connection. I can share intimate and sometimes gross details without batting an eye, but only if I am speaking to a citizen of the infertile zone. Otherwise, I find myself wanting to be a closed book.

There are people in my life who might be invited to visit my new planet, even though they aren't citizens. These people are few and far between, but there are some out there. Then, there are definitely people who are NOT invited to visit. The black list is mostly made up of people who find themselves pregnant at the drop of a hat. Frankly, I'm so jealous of them it makes me sick. It's like they have the plague and, therefore, should be shunned. I know it's not fair, but that's the way I feel. However, I would like to go on record as saying that I wish that I wasn't a member of this new society. I would give anything to be one of the plague-ridden shunned...

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