**Pregnancy talk warning** (skip if you want)
I am 5w6d today. I think I am starting to become comfortable with the idea of being pg. Last week I had to go to Tar.get for a few things and I found myself walking through the baby section and starting to plan. I ran some names past hubby to see what he thought. I'm starting to day dream. This is getting dangerous... I've never gotten this far in a pg before. I do have a few symptoms (tender bbies, constipation, slight nausea sometimes, fatigue almost every day). The symptoms coupled with the great beta numbers are basically what I'm counting on... I don't see the doc until the 22nd. By that time I will be 7w exactly. As long as my symptoms keep up and I don't have any cramps or spotting, then everything is a-ok, right? I have to think that way. Otherwise... I can't think about what the "otherwise" means.
** Pregnancy talk over**
I think this time in my life has been an exercise in trusting God. One way of looking at the last 2 years (or, for my whole life really) is to see everything that has happened as a different invitation to trust God and His ability to provide for me and give me what will bring true joy to my life, while at the same time giving me an opportunity to build up the kingdom. And, over the last 2 years I have felt the range of emotion when it comes to trusting God. At times I have had complete trust and at other times I have not felt one iota of trust. Recently, I've started to realize that my trust level varies depending on the topic. For most things in my life I have a lot of trust in God's providence. For example, when it comes to money I don't really worry about the future, even though money is REALLY tight and we don't really have a savings. But, for most of my life money has been really tight (if not non-existant) and everything has always worked out. I've always had everything I needed, just not necessarily everything I wanted (e.g. I still have never had an ipod). But, lack of money doesn't bother me that much. Sure, I worry from time to time, but it doesn't overwhelm me.
It's probably no surprise that the area I have difficulty trusting God with is my fertility. Yesterday I had a spiritual direction session (the first one since October!). Most of the session seemed to circle around this trust issue and around the meaning of suffering. One thing my director said that really stuck with me was that trust is an act of the will. I think I have heard this before, but it never really struck me as deeply. This past cycle I was kind of in the "fake it 'til you feel it" mode. I think that is a way of trusting with your will without having the feelings to back it up. I had been walking around feeling like a hypocrit, but now I don't think I was. I never lost my faith/belief in God. I was just very hurt. When I'm hurt I pull back and turn inward... protect the core...
I think I need to change how I see my suffering (easy to say, hard to do). I'm not quite sure what the modification fully looks like, but it starts with acknowledging that God didn't send me this suffering. I am not being punished. My head has known this, but I think I felt this way deep down. I do not "deserve" to be infertile (nobody does) nor did I do anything wrong to warrant a punishment like this. Secondly, suffering comes because we live in a fallen world. This world is not the way God originally planned it to be. Third, suffering can be redemptive. I'm not saying I think you have to suffer in order to get to heaven. However, I am saying that how you deal with the suffering you experience can bring you closer to God and help you better serve those around you.
The other day I was reading a reflection from Henri Nouwen (one of my favorite spiritual writers) about the connection between the Eucharist and God's unconditional love. The Eucharist is the blueprint (so-to-speak) of how God's love is transformative. Jesus took the bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to the disciples. Those 4 words say it all: take, bless, break, give. Even Jesus himself was taken, blessed, broken, and given to the world... and it was the most loving thing the Father could do for us... and the most loving gift Jesus could give. We too are taken, blessed, broken, and given, if we allow it to happen. And, even though the breaking part really hurts, we are blessed before that. And, the breaking has a purpose: transformation for the benefit of others. For myself, at this moment, I need to focus on the blessing part so I can be ready to give. Otherwise, the breaking part has no meaning.
And, even though I just spent all that time talking about suffering, in this moment all is good. If nothing else I have a little break from the suffering. The break is nice, I have to say. I'm not really at the stage where I can feel complete joy (and only joy) but I'm trying to find my way there. Suffering allows us to feel the joy when it comes, right?
Well, this turned into a really long post... I think it's time to sign off for now.