Monday, February 11, 2008

The Baby Shower Question

Kathy recently posed the question about attending a baby shower. It was good to see everyone's response. It seems like everybody has their own way of dealing with baby showers, but most people said to do what you think is best for you.

I have a slight twist on the question and I was just looking for some feedback. This weekend is the baby shower my group of friends planned for all the preggos in our group. This is the shower that would have been partly for me if my first baby had kept on growing. Two of the ladies already have kids, but the third lady is pg with her first (honeymoon) baby. One of the ladies is about to pop with her 5th kiddo (5th in 6 years...). At first when I got the invite a few weeks ago I told the hostess that there was no way I could come (she knows why). Then, I got the bfp and it seems to be sticking (at least that is what I'm trying to convince myself of since there isn't any blood). Friday I told the hostess that I was pg (but she's the only friend I've told). I asked her if I could be a maybe until the last minute because I wasn't sure if I wanted to go. The shower is not going to be a typical shower since there are 3 ladies. We are just supposed to bring some diapers and a onesie to decorate. [I told the hostess (just after my 2nd m/c) that when I did finally manage to have a healthy pregnancy I wanted a kick-ass baby shower... She agreed.]

So, here's my question (and you may not even be able to answer this for me, but you're the only ones who might be able to put yourself in my shoes). Should I go? Should my attendance depend on how well my current pg is doing? I'm doing better these days, but I don't know if there are hidden emotions that will bubble up unexpectedly... What would you do in my shoes? I don't want to go and then be the wet blanket at the party. However, I would like to be able to celebrate new life with my friends.

Sorry for the rambling nature of this post. My thoughts seem to be really scattered these days... I'm actually supposed to be working right now, but I can't concentrate on anything (except this pg...). Is there a 12 step program for people struggling with IF and m/c? I should probably be attending meetings...

10 comments:

Alison said...

For me, I error on the side of caution. I can deal with pg friends one on one, but something crazy happens in a group setting. That's just me though. Hope you get the answer you need!

Kathy V said...

The best advice I was told was to put in my rsvp but if I didn't feel like going or I felt like leaving early that it would be fine. Very much like you, I couldn't decide and that is why I asked my friends on the internet to give me some ideas. For me it wasn't just the miscarrige but the current infertility problems. I could pick out a gift by myself but somehow when you are at a shower, it is different. I was worried (and still am) about the questions, and the games, and everything else all wrapped up into a three hour event. I can take that stuff in small doses but the large doses seem to get me overwhelmed. SO I don't know if that helps or makes it more confusing. Go back and read some of the comments on Mel's page about the Brises vs baby shower post since it is a continiation of my original post. Hope this helps.

Fertilize Me said...

should your attendance be determined by your current pregnancy? - I can not even begin to answer that question. Bare with me for a minute - Your attendance should be about celebrating new life - now with that said - for me - it is/was so hard to celebrate new life with all my feelings , emotions and experiences with the lack of new life. SO i stopped basing it on that - I had to, it was too hard for me. I went to baby showers to celebrate my friends. I sometimes was completely able to do that w/o faking and other time it was a giant fake fest but i did it because i knew that If i was ever given an shower - I would want my friends to be there for me and my new celebration. (so was that a selfish reason - maybe) I also have said numerous times over the many showers that I have thrown that I wanted a kick ass shower also - I am now feeling a bit different about that also. but thats a whole other post of it's own.

Regardless of your current state- will you be able to handle it? If you go based on your current state and that changes down the road will you be mad that you went? or that you didn't go? Can ypu decide to do something emotionally better for you that day if the shower is not going to help you? If it was your shower, how would you do or feel if someone was in your current shoes?

After you wade through your answers - trust your heart - you know what is best for you regarding the shower.

I am glad to hear that all is progressing normally - I am so excited to read of your good news. As for those 12 steps, if you find them let me know. I am mulling through life trying to just make the most, trust god and lose my insanity and anxiety!

allyouwhohope said...

I am always torn between doing what could be considered the "selfless" thing (going) and taking the more "selfish" road (staying home). But then I decided not to look at it that way and let myself off the hook. It's not about being selfish - it's not like you feel good staying home either! We are dealing with enough and why be part of a celebration if you're holding back tears the whole time (which is the worst feeling by the way)? You can be a good friend and celebrate new life in other ways.

I would see how I feel that day (you never know with hormones!) and play it by ear. But don't beat yourself up over it if you don't think you can do it.

Mrs. B said...

I would wait until the day of and then decide. it may not be the most appropriate thing to do but screw that.. you need to do what is best for you. ANd you probably won't know how you are feeling until that day...

Kim said...

Good question! I did attend a shower a few weeks ago but it was for a friend who really understood my IF issues. She actually called me before I got the invite to tell me that I didn't have to come but I hadn't told her about my BFP yet. It worked out. But I'm opting to bag one this weekend because I really don't want to go because of IF issues with this person. I'm sure this doesn't help but I wanted to say a big CONGRATS!!!! to you, too.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I think you did the right thing in asking if you can be a maybe until you've officially decided. I would say go with your gut at that moment. Don't fret over the decision now, as you don't know how your going to feel in a couple of days. I would tell her that if you're there you are there and if you're not then to please understand you just couldn't do it.

In my opinion, you have to put yourself first here. And if that means being a no-show but being comfortable with your decision then so be it.

Good luck! :)

Beautiful Curve said...

You must do what feels right! I'm glad you listed yourself as a 'last minute maybe'. I know, I also feel like I can only do certain things now because I am pregnant.

And that's really OK.

Let us know what you decide.
HUGS

s.e. said...

I truly believe it is your choice and you should felt no guilt or shame in your decision. I have been bravely going to many baby showers over the last two years. (66% of my friends are pregnant or have babies) I always did fine. The last shower I went to had 5 pregnant girls in attendance besides the recipient. I put on a good front but had one of my hardest sobs to date in the car on the way home. Sometimes our emotions are too unpredictable. Protect yourself!

~Carrie said...

I just came across your blog. Congrats on your BFP and I'll be sending sticky thoughts your way.
As far as the baby shower, I think you probably won't know until close to the actual day, if not that very day. And that's fine - you need to think of yourself first. You've been through a lot. You told the hostess that you were a maybe until the last minute, which I think was the best thing to do. See how you feel when the time comes.