-This post is mostly about how IF is affecting my view of this pg. Skip if you need to.
I have been experiencing an odd feeling lately. This weekend we decided to tell our parents about the pg.--mostly because DH was just so excited to share he couldn't hold back with his mom. I decided that if he told his mom I should tell my parents too (so they wouldn't feel like they were second class grandparents). Both sets of parents are aware of the problems in the past so both of them responded with cautious optimism. They all also know that we aren't telling the world at large until the 2nd trimester. Then, I think hubby was on a high so he told some friends on this online role-playing game we play (I wasn't going to mention anything to them until the 2nd trimester and he didn't talk to me first...). At least these friends don't know other people we know in real life... And, since we told parents, I felt like I should tell my sister (the only sibling I have). She actually had a great reaction and cried out of joy. She is also cautiously optimistic (knowing our background).
Now comes the part where I am conflicted. This weekend we are traveling to hubby's home town. I have a conference and hubby decided to come so he could see family and old friends. He hasn't been home for a year and a half and he is very excited. He wants to tell everyone on his side while we are there. I will be 8 weeks at that point. This is where I start to get nervous. I feel weird coming out of the IF closet. It feels weird to tell people about a bfp when they don't understand everything that lead up to this for us. Infertility Just Sucks recently posted about the struggle with telling people about a pg who don't understand the IF struggle. I really resonated with her urge to accompany the news with a clarification...
"It was really hard to get here. It took a long time and lot of faith, hope and money. I feel the need to offer a reason for why I'm just now pregnant. Part of me wants to raise awareness and another part just wants to let that painful chapter of my life close and be done with."
I, too, feel the need to temper the news with a, "Wait! Don't throw a party yet. I don't want you to jinx anything. It's not a sure thing that I will get a baby out of this deal." I also feel the need to bring up the specifics of what we have been through to get here. I want to say something like, "Well, it took 21 months, 2 m/c's, 1 surgery, months of acupuncture, and countless tests and pills, but we seem to finally have produced a viable pg." Unfortunately, I don't think this urge comes from the altruistic place of wanting to raise awareness of IF in general. I have the urge to say all that because I think, in some sick and twisted way, I want 'credit' (whatever that means) for all that we have been through to get to this point. At least, I think that is about half the reason for the comments.
The other reason is that I don't think I have truly made the mental leap from barren woman to pregnant lady. In a way I just feel like I'm walking around playing the part of a pregnant woman, but it's not real. It's like I'm an actor who is going to go home at the end of the day and go back to being my real self: the barren woman. If I temper pg news with all the IF baggage then I am 'keeping it real.' If I say all that stuff then I am not pretending. I can't experience this pg like some naive fertile woman, so why should anyone else be able to either?
My extended family and friends are not going to hear anything until the 2nd trimester. The only tricky thing about this weekend is that the co-workers who are also attending the conference with me CANNOT find out yet! My co-workers aren't invited to the family dinner Saturday, (where husband plans to make the announcement) and the in-laws know not to spill the beans when they bring us to and from the airport, so hopefully it will be ok. I don't think I could handle word getting out at work and then end up m/cing and have to tell everyone there won't be a baby after all... Frankly, that sounds like hell on earth.
So, how do I handle this weekend's announcement? Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn't say anything at all. But, hubby is so excited to be able to share this with his best friends I don't want to take that away from him. I guess I just gave myself my answer, didn't I? I should let hubby take the lead on the announcement. It is his family and friends. This particular announcement is more for him anyway, so he should be able to make it however he wants.
So, there you have it. Now that I have put these thoughts down in black and white I feel kind of weird about it. I know feelings are neither bad or good, but I feel kind of ashamed of some of the things I am feeling about this pg. Like I'm already a bad mother for not feeling like a mother yet and wanting credit for all the suffering I've been through... I swear, I will not be one of those mothers who constantly reminds their child how many hours she was in labor with them! Nor will I hold my IF struggles over my child's head! Gosh, my kid's not even here yet and I'm already feeling guilty about being a bad mom... Uugghh.
Oh, in other news... I have lost 4 pounds in the last week because of being sick. That puts me down at least 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm both ecstatic about this and a little worried. I've heard that a baby will take the nutrients it needs from the mom, so I'm just trying to focus on the positive...