Tuesday, February 26, 2008

What is this Feeling?

**P-Word mentioned**
-This post is mostly about how IF is affecting my view of this pg. Skip if you need to.

I have been experiencing an odd feeling lately. This weekend we decided to tell our parents about the pg.--mostly because DH was just so excited to share he couldn't hold back with his mom. I decided that if he told his mom I should tell my parents too (so they wouldn't feel like they were second class grandparents). Both sets of parents are aware of the problems in the past so both of them responded with cautious optimism. They all also know that we aren't telling the world at large until the 2nd trimester. Then, I think hubby was on a high so he told some friends on this online role-playing game we play (I wasn't going to mention anything to them until the 2nd trimester and he didn't talk to me first...). At least these friends don't know other people we know in real life... And, since we told parents, I felt like I should tell my sister (the only sibling I have). She actually had a great reaction and cried out of joy. She is also cautiously optimistic (knowing our background).

Now comes the part where I am conflicted. This weekend we are traveling to hubby's home town. I have a conference and hubby decided to come so he could see family and old friends. He hasn't been home for a year and a half and he is very excited. He wants to tell everyone on his side while we are there. I will be 8 weeks at that point. This is where I start to get nervous. I feel weird coming out of the IF closet. It feels weird to tell people about a bfp when they don't understand everything that lead up to this for us. Infertility Just Sucks recently posted about the struggle with telling people about a pg who don't understand the IF struggle. I really resonated with her urge to accompany the news with a clarification...

"It was really hard to get here. It took a long time and lot of faith, hope and money. I feel the need to offer a reason for why I'm just now pregnant. Part of me wants to raise awareness and another part just wants to let that painful chapter of my life close and be done with."

I, too, feel the need to temper the news with a, "Wait! Don't throw a party yet. I don't want you to jinx anything. It's not a sure thing that I will get a baby out of this deal." I also feel the need to bring up the specifics of what we have been through to get here. I want to say something like, "Well, it took 21 months, 2 m/c's, 1 surgery, months of acupuncture, and countless tests and pills, but we seem to finally have produced a viable pg." Unfortunately, I don't think this urge comes from the altruistic place of wanting to raise awareness of IF in general. I have the urge to say all that because I think, in some sick and twisted way, I want 'credit' (whatever that means) for all that we have been through to get to this point. At least, I think that is about half the reason for the comments.

The other reason is that I don't think I have truly made the mental leap from barren woman to pregnant lady. In a way I just feel like I'm walking around playing the part of a pregnant woman, but it's not real. It's like I'm an actor who is going to go home at the end of the day and go back to being my real self: the barren woman. If I temper pg news with all the IF baggage then I am 'keeping it real.' If I say all that stuff then I am not pretending. I can't experience this pg like some naive fertile woman, so why should anyone else be able to either?

My extended family and friends are not going to hear anything until the 2nd trimester. The only tricky thing about this weekend is that the co-workers who are also attending the conference with me CANNOT find out yet! My co-workers aren't invited to the family dinner Saturday, (where husband plans to make the announcement) and the in-laws know not to spill the beans when they bring us to and from the airport, so hopefully it will be ok. I don't think I could handle word getting out at work and then end up m/cing and have to tell everyone there won't be a baby after all... Frankly, that sounds like hell on earth.

So, how do I handle this weekend's announcement? Honestly, if it were up to me, we wouldn't say anything at all. But, hubby is so excited to be able to share this with his best friends I don't want to take that away from him. I guess I just gave myself my answer, didn't I? I should let hubby take the lead on the announcement. It is his family and friends. This particular announcement is more for him anyway, so he should be able to make it however he wants.

So, there you have it. Now that I have put these thoughts down in black and white I feel kind of weird about it. I know feelings are neither bad or good, but I feel kind of ashamed of some of the things I am feeling about this pg. Like I'm already a bad mother for not feeling like a mother yet and wanting credit for all the suffering I've been through... I swear, I will not be one of those mothers who constantly reminds their child how many hours she was in labor with them! Nor will I hold my IF struggles over my child's head! Gosh, my kid's not even here yet and I'm already feeling guilty about being a bad mom... Uugghh.

Oh, in other news... I have lost 4 pounds in the last week because of being sick. That puts me down at least 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. I'm both ecstatic about this and a little worried. I've heard that a baby will take the nutrients it needs from the mom, so I'm just trying to focus on the positive...


Kathy V said...

I can understand why feel the way you do about letting the news slip out. It is a hard place to be to transition from barren woman to woman with child. many people have said it is like always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even if you reach one milestone, then you are looking for something else to happen. People that deal with if are very guarded because of that. They have been through the struggle and heartache. Good Luck and I hope all goes well for you emotionally as you let hubby start to tell the family.

Fertilize Me said...

good luck with dealing with all this ..there are no correct ways to do the annoucing - you and your husband decide, and go with what you feel best. I was worried about telling people in fear of jinxing something - which I know does not happen but I was afraid of all of those what if's - and the matter of the heart was that even if a misfortunate thing did happen or i needed prayer - these people could be our support system - it would change nothing, i would still feel sad but i would have many people supporting me through my sadness and That would change something for the better

as for the weight loss don't you worry a bit about that - i lost 40 lbs this yr then lost 15 more in my first trimester - i am slowing starting to gain weight again - i gained 6 of those 15 back and my dr's are not worried at all. You just keep practicing enjoying that feeling

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

I also feel that I can't tell people about this pregnancy without a note about how difficult it was to get there. I plan to email a group of friends once we hit the 2nd trimester and I was already planning to include something like "due to the miracles of modern technology." Maybe I want credit for all of those shots. Maybe I also want to educate people that many couples don't have the "oops" experience. My hope is that people are a bit more sensitized about my feelings surrounding this pregnancy because they know it was stressful to get there. It would put any fearful comments on my part into a larger context.

Would it make you feel better to ask Hubby to include something short and to the point in his announcement - as in "It's been a difficult road for us to get here but..." That way you both get what you need....

Good luck! And I know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. My coworker knows and I said something like "now that I am pregnant" this morning and wanted to take it back. I think I imagined and fantasized being pregnant so many times that it feels like a bit of a dream....

Good luck!


LifeHopes said...

Gosh I feel like if I ever get pregnant, this is exactly how I will feel, too.

My thoughts? Well, my first thought is that - even though you might feel the need to "educate" others about what some of us have to go through to get pregnant, my humble opinion is that they simply will never ever understand unless they've been through it themselves. This journey is between you, God, and the rest of us that share it with you! It is so unfair. But hey - we don't expect people to understand infertility while we are trying to get pregnant, why would they understand it now?

As for your feelings of guilt, I bet that it will subside over time.

I pray that you will allow yourself to experience some joy during this special time (I know it must be easier said than done!).

I will be praying for you!!!! You are already a wonderful mother!

Beth said...

yeah, I'd say don't feel like you have to share everything, just the great news!

I also lost 13 lbs my first trimester from throwing up so much. The good news is I only gained 15 lbs so losing the weight was EASY!

AND honestly, I didn't feel like someone's mother until they put that baby on my chest when she was born. I think I just didn't REALLY believe it until I saw her with my own eyes :)

Katie said...

I got ANGRY with my mom when I found out that she was telling a lot of people all over my hometown. I don't live there anymore, but I got an e-mail from an old high school friend, congratulating me on the pregnancy - and this was at six weeks with multiple miscarriages! It was too late, my excited mother was already spreading the news and wouldn't be stopped, but I was horrified. I was so worried that each person that we told was someone that we would have to "untell." I had to do that after my last pregnancy loss and it made the devastation even more so.

As for the weight loss, I lost weight in the first trimester, too. My doctor said it was FINE, that the baby gets everything it needs. If you are able to take your prenatal, then you are fine. If you can't take your prenatal, then try children's chewables. For some reason, those were a lot easier for me to take and give you essentially what you need. Once you have moved away from the first tri, you can start taking your regular prenatals again.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what the answer to "tell or not tell" is. Knowing how hard it was on us when we lost the last baby and everyone knew we were pregnant makes me think that I would not want to tell anyone until I was absolutely sure... but when would you be that sure??

Its a hard decision to make but no matter what, just remember that people want to be happy for you, they want to share in this joy, even cautiously. So in that sense you're not just doing it for DH you're actually doing it for everyone (gosh that sounds stupid, but you know what I mean)!~!

Oh and I am one of the mothers who reminds her (now almost 17-year old son) about the 33 1/2 hours of horrible labor I went through. I figure for all the crap he puts me through, its the least I can do! HA!